The Importance of Intimacy In Marriage

I Corinthians 7:5 says:”Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

I’ve received a lot of emails asking me about intimacy since the Rachael Ray Show aired in November. Here’s a few of my thoughts on this topic, plus I share in the video my all time FAVORITE book on the subject!

If you have further questions, I prefer to dialogue via email rather than on the “world wide web”. I have recently added a note on my contact page that I want to be sure my readers are aware of, the wait time for a response to an email from me is around 10 days. So if you emailed two weeks ago and have not had an answer to it yet – I’m working on it.

Please be patient with me as I LOVE hearing from my readers and am working feverishly to give you all the wisest answers I can. I pray over my answers and I like to take some time with each email to find the appropriate scripture passage and counsel.

I love you all and care deeply about your walk with God and your marriages!

Walk with the King!

holy experience
PS. Now go love on your husbands and have a wonderful day!!


  1. Julie@comehaveapeace says:

    Courtney, thanks for linking up to MM today. You address such an important topic that is reveals so much about our oneness. It's meant for God's glory and our enjoyment, but it can fall prey to all of the distractions and temptations of life as well.

    ~ Julie

  2. Your home is so beautiful.

  3. Great post. Thank you. It's funny – I had just recently decided I'm going to try to say yes to him every time, too. I haven't been 100% faithful to that decision, but your post has furthered my resolve. Thank you. I do have one question for you, but I'll shoot you an e-mail, as you requested!

    Blessings! :-)

  4. I have that book! Courtney let me tell you. I was so bad in the intimacy issue at one time that I was looking for Christian marriage books that would tell me that it was okay for me to not HAVE to be intimate with my husband. Needless to say, I found no such book but I found liberation and freedom instead! Side note: It is my pleasure (even sometimes forced) to be the wife that God calls me to be in His Word. That command is not contingent on if my husband has an "on" time or "off" time. My husband does a great job in matching that with me. I'm thankful and grateful to have a wonderful marriage.

  5. Valencia says:

    My hubs always says that this is one of the biggest reason he appreciates me because I never turn him away from intimacy. I so agree that I for or do not want my hubs looking at any other women due to lack of closeness at home.

  6. Wordy Wife says:

    I've been married slightly less than a year but from the beginning, I made the decision to never turn my husband down. Instead of thinking, "I'm tired, I don't feel like it, I just want to do my own thing," I remind myself how good it is to have a husband who loves me, is attracted to me, and wants to share himself and be intimate with me. And even if I'm not in the mood to begin with, I always end up that way eventually!

  7. Courtney (Women Living Well) says:

    Ham1299 – Great job – your husband is lucky to have you!

    Kela – it is awesome to hear the testimony of how far God has brought you! You have safeguarded your marriage by your willingness to have a teachable heart- great job!

    Valencia – amen! I love that your husband verbally praises you for this – I hope other women see that and realize that when we meet this one HUGE need – most likely their man is going to say a BIG thank you – my man does!

    Wordy Wife – what wisdom you have had from the start of your marriage -you are unique!!! As children come into the picture – you will be tempted to waiver on your decision. Your strong foundation from the beginning is going to be a gem to your marriage. Keep it up!

    Much Love,

  8. Thank you, Courtney. It's definitely something I have to work at. we've been married 11 years, and old habits die hard. *blush* But, I know God can help me with this. I think I'm going to read the book you recommended. You aren't the first one I've heard speak so highly of it. Perhaps it's a gentle nudge from God …

    Blessings to you!

  9. Thank you for approaching so many important topics for your readers.
    Thank you, also, for the book recommendation. This was such an appropriate and well-spoken message!

  10. Julie in Scotland says:

    May our lord bless you for walking in His truth and being so bold as to share it with us ladies, Sisters in Christ who inhabit blogland. You are blessing me and my home more and more each day. Bless you, bless you, bless you.
    In Him

  11. Anonymous says:

    Uh oh… I think you have spurred some women to start "praying without ceasing!" LOL!!
    No, seriously, this is a very important topic and I'm glad you addressed it. A wisened woman told me the same thing years ago. I wish I could say I'm 100% Yes-girl, but I fail. I've GOT to be better in this!
    Thanks, Courtney,for the godly encouragement even in the face of adversity.

  12. Dear Courtney, here is Sandra (Suzel) from France, Thank you for your great post. Since I read your blog I find many answer to question I have.
    Thanks for sharing all with us.
    God bless you.
    I hope you can read my english.

  13. Just wanted to let you know I think your advice is spot on! Very Godly, sound, scriptural advice. Wonderful that you included the scripture references in your video. I am looking forward to reading the rest of the content on your site! Keep up the good work, and may God bless you in your efforts to share the Word with other women.
    Birmingham, Al

  14. when i first read this i did have questions, how after all day can you have the energy all the time?. that was the big one. i have struggled with this for a long time. i am a stay at home mom of 4, ages 10,4,3,2. by the end of the day i am so tired. my husband is very understanding, but like you said i fear if i don't change he will just find it elsewhere. i dont think he ever would but i still fear it. so i thought about what you said your word stuck in my head about that it is a mindset. you are so right, i thought and prayed about it and i got it. i am the one who can change my attitude and not only will he be happy but we will be happier because of that one small action. my attitude! thank you so much for your post, i really needs it! also can i say i love reading your blog, it helps me so much, and my family is better because of it. again thank you!

  15. I just stumbled across your blog today while looking at your recipe for resurrection rolls. What a fantastic blog! I just thought I'd share my personal experience with this issue. My husband and I have had intimacy issues throughout our marriage of 5 years, which led to counseling and threatened our marriage. My counselor recommended the book "Sheet Music" by Dr. Kevin Lehman and addresses the same issues you have discussed. I have not yet read "Intimacy Issues" and will have to pick up a copy, but "Sheet Music" changed my whole perspective on intimacy with my husband and has saved our marriage (well…no, God saved our marriage-but used the book to speak to me). I highly recommend it!

  16. Courtney (Women Living Well) says:

    I have not read "Sheet Music" but I have heard great things about it! I need to get my hands on a copy soon! Thanks for the suggestion!


  17. Thanks for linking up with Marriage Monday today, Courtney! For some, this was not an easy topic. Thanks for fearlessly diving in!

    Blessings on you and your marriage,

    e-Mom @ Chrysalis

  18. Mac an Rothaich says:

    Thanks for sharing with us so honestly about how it all works for you! Your view is very similar to how I was raised and I appreciate the selfless twist it has as well as how clear you where that it is too our benefit too. I have to be honest thought, I often pray that my man can be and learn selflessness too and if intimacy is difficult for me that he will be considerate of me as well. I am thankful that the Lord made us both different to reflect different parts of him and thankful that husband and wife have intimacy as a beautiful connection and joining of those two different natures.

  19. Very well said Courtney! I can see you inspire lots of women like me. Keep the faith! thanks!


    A Time To Weep and A Time To Laugh

  20. Anonymous says:

    Courtney than you for posting this today on your FB page. I don't feel comfortable replying on there so I hope that it's o.k to post it here instead.
    I read this a while back and made the decision to say yes every time and it truly changed my marriage and changed me, I became softer towards my husband and more aware of his needs. A few weeks ago after speaking to a girlfriend and telling her about your post and video and how making the decision to say yes has truly changes my marriage she didn't seem to agree with it and told about how we have to be careful even when sleeping with our husbands because there is no room for lust in marriage. She just went on about how sometimes it's God's will for is to say no even for long periods of time if when our husbands approach us is because they are lusting after us. It was along conversation in which she did most of the talking and for some reason during that conversation I remember being really confused and then questioning my decision to say yes. Lets just say that for weeks now I almost feel like it's wrong being with my husband and where I once felt free I now feel like i have no clue what I'm doing or how to approach this area. I found it interesting that you posted this again today because it's been such a struggle since speaking to her, I really need to watch this video again and try to get back to the place where I was. I felt so much closer to my husband and vice versa and now I feel like I don't even know how to approach him and almost feel wrong when he tried to pursue me. What a mess, amazing how speaking to her affected me so much and how it changed something in me that is allowing it to mess things up. Sorry this is so long, not sure if it makes any sense but just wanted to share and maybe get your input.

  21. Courtney (Women Living Well) says:

    Anonymous – oh dear – this friend of yours is completely unbiblical and has whispered a lie into your ear – like the serpent did in Eve's ear. Don't believe this lie – it will lead you astray.

    Read Song of Soloman and you will see that their passionate marriage is pleasing to God – he rejoices in the two lovers coming together. So drink your fill and enjoy your man.

    God created it for our pleasure – also I recommend you purchase Intimate Issues. It will help you through many of these hurdles.

    Much Love,

  22. anonymous says:

    what do i do when my husband has had an affair… it’s all i can do to stay in this marriage, let alone say “yes” to that request now…

    • Anonymous – you need to see a pastor or counselor. If you do not have someone in real life you can talk to, I highly recommend you call Focus On the Family’s Hotline: 1-800-232-6459.

      I wish I could help you but there’s so many questions that would shape my counsel such as – was it one time or a hidden long term affair, is he repentant, have you two had counselling, how long ago was it etc.

      If it was hidden, long time and he is unrepentant – Biblically you have grounds for divorce according to Matthew 5:31,32, Matthew 19 and possibly I Cor. 7…read those passages in scripture. I always first counsel towards restoration – especially if he is repentant…but at the end of the day – you have a choice – to divorce or to forgive…the worst choice you can make is to remain – and be bitter – it will eat you alive and leave you in a miserable marriage. So, that is why I first want to direct you toward real life christian counseling to see if there is a marriage to savage. If you want to save your marriage – a book I recommend is by Dr. David Clark titled I Don’t Want a Divorce…I would recommend you and your husband read the book together.

      Saying a prayer for you tonight.


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  3. [...] made an entire video on this – and it’s along the side bar (or click here to see it) – so I won’t belabor this point except to say that this is mutual.  Just as wives are [...]

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