11 Resources for Wives Whose Husbands Are Addicted to P*rn

You my reader are so valuable.  Yesterday many of you offered in the comments section amazing resources that could help a wife whose husband is dabbling with porn.

So I compiled all that you shared and made a list below – but first let me share 3 resources that I personally recommend:

1. Arousing Ourselves to Death by Dr. Moore was a blog posted today!  He writes:

The couple will typically tell me first about how stressful their lives are. Maybe he’s lost his job. Perhaps she’s working too. Maybe their children are rowdy or the house is chaotic. But usually, if we talk long enough about their fracturing marriage, there is a sense that something else is afoot. The couple will tell me about how their s*x life is near extinction. The man, she’ll tell me, is an emotional wraith, dead to intimacy with his wife. The woman will be frustrated, with what seems to him to be a wild mixture of rage and humiliation. They just don’t know what’s wrong, but they know a Christian marriage isn’t supposed to feel like this.

It’s at this point that I interrupt the discussion, look at the man, and ask, “So how long has the p*rn been going on?” The couple will look at each other, and then look at me, with a kind of fearful incredulity that communicates the question, “How do you know?” For a few minutes, they seek to reorient themselves to this exposure, wondering, I suppose, if I’m an Old Testament prophet or a New Age psychic. But I’m not either. One doesn’t have to be to sense the spirit of this age. In our time, pornography is the destroying angel of (especially male) Eros, and it’s time the Church faced the horror of this truth…read more

2.  Juli Slattery’s article from Focus on the Family titled: The Impact of Porn on Marital Sex Once you are there – just keep reading all the articles connected to this one – it is a really helpful series!

3.Kristen Welch – a co-speaker at Relevant 10 with me and the founder of the Mercy House tells her story on We Are That Family in a series that includes a post with a plethora of resources – I HIGHLY recommend this post!!!!

Now here are some of the resources that I have not read nor reviewed completely myself but that you the reader shared in the comments section yesterday:

4.  Stephen Arterburn’s book titled “Every Man’s Battle.”

5. Not Even A Hint by Josh Harris

6.  The Peasant Princess sermon series by Mark Driscoll – http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/the-peasant-princess

7. Sheila Wray Gregoire blogs at To Love Honor and Vaccuum.  Every time I visit her blog I learn from her – she is wise, funny, Godly and so easy to read!  She is currently writing “The Good Girl’s Guide to Sex” right now (out with Zondervan soon).  This should be a great resource!

8.  A reader named Kristi (who has 5 children – including one set of triplets!) recommended one of her own blog posts: Courageous Homekeeping

9.  Focus on the Family’s broadcast of Linda Dillow and Loraine Pintus authors of Intimate Issues : listen here

10.  One reader wrote: “There is a free resource available at http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/  for wives who discover their husband is struggling with sexual impurity.  This is a 60 day Bible study. Most people are assigned a personal mentor to help them along in their journey as a source of support and encouragement.”

11.  Some technological tools that were mentioned:  Safeeyes, K9 browser, K9 iphone app, http://www.covenanteyes.com/

Thank you to everyone who shared these resources above.  Please feel free to share more in the comment section below.   If you are a woman who feels isolated and does not have a Pastor or godly woman to talk to – please consider calling Focus on the Family at 1-800-232-6459.  They have family care specialist available Monday through Friday – 6am to 8pm.

I have to share one last thing.  One reader wrote and told me that she took yesterday’s blog post to her husband and asked him what he thought…he confessed.  Let’s pray for their marriage today.

Walk with the King!

Comments

  1. Rachel says

    May I also recommend Dr. Paul Weiss. He came and spoke at the (Christian) University that I got my masters in counseling from. He is very good and has some interesting ideas. He has a counseling agency called "Heart to Heart" counseling agency. He has written several books as well.

  2. Kristi says

    Wow, thank you Courtney for linking my Courageous Homekeeping posts! I would also like to mention, that I wrote my "life" story recently, including finding out about my husband's pr*nography problem and how God worked in our marriage to create a beautiful picture of redemption. My hopes are that it will help to give someone courage and hope as they deal with things in their own marriage. Thank you for taking on such an important topic.
    http://www.courageoushomekeeping.com/featured/kristi-my-story-the-beginning-2/

  3. Stacy says

    So thankful that you are posting about this important issue. I found out a year and 1/2 ago that my husband was addicted to porn and it tore me apart. I had just had a miscarriage right before and felt so betrayed. I had no idea that it was going on. He went through the Setting Captives Free course (a free course) and had a mentor. It was wonderful for us and I am so thankful for that website. We also have safe eyes installed on our computer. Thankfully he's been away from it since he confessed it to me, but it took awhile for me to trust him again. Thank you again for this information.

  4. Mrs. K says

    For me, one of the best resources was Every Heart Restored by Stephen Arterburn.

    Thank you for tackling this topic, it's rampant and destroying God's holiest of covenants.

    Please let your readers know that sexual addiction is one of the most rapidly growing, which means the "drug" must get stronger and stronger in order to achieve the "high".

    My husband's addiction was out of control and looking back on it now he says that Every Man's Battle was baby food for him. Title's that he suggests are "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes and, the second book that changed his life (after the Bible), "Breaking Free" by Russell Willingham.

  5. Mrs. K says

    Wanted to add, the computer filter we use is from BSecure and it is absolutely top notch, excellent.

    If your husband (or sons – we *MUST* be talking to them while they are young) has a smartphone, he can download a filter from xxxchurch (not what the name suggests) and it will monitor his surfing and email accountability partners.

    The most important tool is to find trusted accountability partners and GET THIS ADDICTION out of the dark. The devil hates the light and the more people who know of your struggles and can join you in praying, the less of a foothold satan can have. I know this sounds tragically embarrasing and trust me, no one knows this more than I, but the absolute best thing for my husband was everybody finding out about it.

  6. Anonymous says

    Great resources! I love your blog!

    BTW – Women struggle with porn addiction too but just don't talk about it since it's usually a "man's problem."

    I haven't ever found help for women who struggle with this.

  7. Rhoda says

    Affair of the Mind is by Laurie Hall – here is a link to it on Amazon – a true story about someone who went through it with her husband.

  8. Anonymous says

    To the post a couple days ago…

    What I am wondering is why are wives just finding out during marriage? This issue should be discussed when couples are dating (in my opinion).

    Also, there was a woman who said her and her newlywed husband rarely make love and he is more affectionate to the dog than to her- this is another thing to look for in dating.. if he is affectionate or not. One woman mentioned he might be homosexual, which at first I thought was extremely harsh but the topic of affection is something to consider during one's courtship, instead of waiting until you're married to find out he is not an affectionate person. That's not to say God can't change his heart, but these things would be good to know before going into marriage.

    • EA says

      Dear Anonymous,
      I can’t agree with you more. The old sayin if I knew then what I know now!!! My husband has been viewing porn most of our marriage, but up until a year ago, I was unaware. I have the same old typical sad story. One thing I can say, back in 90’s, when we were dating, I truely did not know to ask nor was Internet Porn so availiable. It was just not thought of to dicuss, not in my circles anyways. I have a daughter who will be will informed when it is time. BELIEVE ME

  9. Jennifer says

    I'm sorry you were receiveing hate mail. My DH and I had this problem, it was a year and I finally asked him if he was disinterested in me or cheating and he was so shocked and upset! He told me no he just wasn't interested in ANY female. We went to the DR and his testosterone levels were completly bottomed out. We decided not to to the meds but use a holistic approach and I'm happy to say it seems to be working :-)

  10. RatherNotShare says

    I’m a military wife struggling with this and my husband. He does it while he’s away and deployed and has brought it into my home and our marriage after returning from deployment. Since then, our sex life is almost extinct which is had when babies are supposed to be in our short term future. He doesn’t see what’s wrong as it’s a “means to an end” for him.. but if he needs something while he’s away, I’m not sure why his fantasies have to be about some disgusting woman and why they can’t be about me – his wife who has stood by his side through 3 VERY long deployments and over 5 really long and hard years together.

    • says

      I’m so sorry you are facing this :( Please take some time to read through these resources. It’s no mistake that God led you here tonight. I pray that you find some answers here.

  11. says

    Covenant eyes computer filter/accountability reporting. It also has a mobile app for iPhone’s and androids once you sign up for the computer service. It has really helped my husband.

  12. says

    I would like to make a comment about the Every Man’s Battle book, straight from my own husband who has dealt with and moved on from a life filled with sorrow. He has read that book an chosen to skip a good portion due to the graphic explination of other men’s sins in the book, he has told me he feels, at least for himself, he does not need to draw a picture from descriptions in the book, when his desire is to escape that. It is a wonderful book, but we chose to get it out of the house once he read it. I also read the women’s book: Every Heart Restored and it was heart-wrenching to go through and carried many of the same stories that I felt were unnecessary for the men to have to read through, though enlightening to understanding for myself. I’ve come through this horror with my husband, helped him by understanding his pain & addiction. We’ve been through counseling both together and individually. He today, just a year and a half later, is free from it all, he is constantly on guard, and is disgusted rather than curious. He did tell me any man addicted who wants to be free has always be disgusted, just trapped. Sorry, I’m ranting here. I have a heart to help others with this struggle and sorrow. I would never wish this evil and hurt upon anyone, ever.

  13. Anna says

    This is such a needed list! Thank you…however, I would encourage strong caution with the settingcaptivesfree.com website and thei United Front course. Their heart is in the right place but their method is dangerous. They use the Excellent Wife book which I strongly believe does more harm then good. Anything that leads a women to believe she is sinning and committing idoltry for feeling hurt or frustrated with her husband and tells women they are wrong to expect love aand commitment from their husband is sad. Peace (the author) also claims that if a wife is in a physically abusive relationship and nothing is working and husband does not change, that is okay because she is suffering for “Christ’s sake” as she puts it.
    She encourages submission as in no conversation with husband, whatever he says goes no matter what, right down to how you wear your hair and make-up. If you don’t completely and utterly submit you’re husband won’t love you, you will have a terrible marriage, and you rebel against God.
    Also concerning, Peace takes Scripture and cuts it up to say what she wants it too.
    When I did this course I began to struggle with so much opression…which broke when I started comparing what Peace says to what the Bible says. This book broke my heart for all the lies in it and I am so sad that Setting Captives Free uses it :-(
    On a happier note, Vicki Tiede just came out with a book (Oct 10th release date) called “When Your Husband is addicted to P*rn*grophy: Healing Your Wounded Heart” which (so far) has been one of the best in-depth resources I have found for this particular subject…though I loved Sheila’s book too ;-)

  14. Sheila says

    To the anonymous woman who wrote “What I am wondering is why are wives just finding out during marriage?” It is extremely common for women to not know until after they get married if their husband has a problem with porn. From my experience with many of my family members with women, the men have kept it a secret and completely hid it and even after they are married many men don’t come out with it but the wife will eventually find out unexpectedly. Luckily last year, my husband came out and told me last year and I didn’t have to find him. This is a big reason why I stayed. If he doesn’t come out with it and you “catch him” then chances are it will be a whole lot harder to change because it shows that the man is not asking for change. My husband didn’t grow up in a godly family and looked at porn since he was 12. He was actually taught that this was a good thing, but after he asked Jesus in his heart and with us being together for a while he knew it was wrong so he finally told me. Sadly, I wish it was still easy. We have to make sure that we don’t watch bad movies and stuff because it is still and probably will always be harder for him. What pisses me off is that men are not being raised properly. God did not mean for men to look at porn! It doesn’t necessarily help that a lot of people wait until they are in their 30s now until getting married either. More power to those that can be strong that long until marriage, but the reality is most people don’t have that willpower.

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