Monday’s post brought up a question that I have received numerous times. This past March, I ran this question by Dr. David Clarke – a marriage counsellor of 20+ years and author. He confirmed that my answer was the same answer he gives and therefore I feel comfortable sharing it with you.
So the general question usually goes something like this:
My husband does not seem to need physical intimacy as often as most husbands. He is the one saying he is too tired or not in the mood. This leaves me feeling lonely, rejected and confused? Is it me or him?
And here is my answer:
First, the scripture I refer to in my video on this topic is I Corinthians 7:5. This passage commands wives to not withhold from their husbands and LIKEWISE husbands are not to withhold from their wives…lest it opens a cracked door in the marriage for Satan to tempt one of the spouses to fall.
So if your husband is withholding from you – Biblically he is wrong.
Okay, determining that he is wrong is the easy part. But determining WHY he is doing this is the more difficult part. Statistically speaking, 20+% of women say that their husband needs to make love less often than they do. So if you are feeling this way you are not alone.
Here are 3 reasons why your husband may not be as interested as you are:
1. He is under a high level of stress, depression, in a period of grieving or has been abused as a child.
2. He has a medical condition or is taking medication that is affecting his drive.
If #1 or #2 is the case, you need to encourage him to talk to his Dr. about this and get help.
3. He is involved in p*rn.
I am sad to say that many married Christian men are secretly involved in #3 and it is affecting marriages in the bedroom. I had one woman email me with this very question. I read the scenario to my husband…he immediately detected that it was #3 but I sent her back the 1,2,3 analysis above. She confronted her husband and he confessed to #3. A man can almost detect this better than a woman…because he knows how a man thinks.
#3 (sorry I’m not saying the word but I know many who read have filters and I don’t want to get bumped due to this post) is rampant nowadays because there is easy access on the Internet and Satan has made it free! Ugh! Satan is working overtime in this area and taking ground everyday.
So what if this is you and you are stuck in a marriage with issue #3? This is a huge can of worms that CANNOT be solved in one blog post but I can give you a simplified version of some of the things that may need to happen.
The first time you discover it demand a change because it’s not the first time your husband has been participating in it! If you overlook it you will enable him.
First, he will need to admit his problem, secondly, he will need to recognize this hurts you and apologize to you, thirdly you will need to understand the depth of his involvement – is this an addiction and for how long? Finally, he needs to get help from a Godly man in your church along with accountability.