Monday’s post brought up a question that I have received numerous times. This past March, I ran this question by Dr. David Clarke – a marriage counsellor of 20+ years and author. He confirmed that my answer was the same answer he gives and therefore I feel comfortable sharing it with you.
So the general question usually goes something like this:
My husband does not seem to need physical intimacy as often as most husbands. He is the one saying he is too tired or not in the mood. This leaves me feeling lonely, rejected and confused? Is it me or him?
And here is my answer:
First, the scripture I refer to in my video on this topic is I Corinthians 7:5. This passage commands wives to not withhold from their husbands and LIKEWISE husbands are not to withhold from their wives…lest it opens a cracked door in the marriage for Satan to tempt one of the spouses to fall.
So if your husband is withholding from you – Biblically he is wrong.
Okay, determining that he is wrong is the easy part. But determining WHY he is doing this is the more difficult part. Statistically speaking, 20+% of women say that their husband needs to make love less often than they do. So if you are feeling this way you are not alone.
Here are 3 reasons why your husband may not be as interested as you are:
1. He is under a high level of stress, depression, in a period of grieving or has been abused as a child.
2. He has a medical condition or is taking medication that is affecting his drive.
If #1 or #2 is the case, you need to encourage him to talk to his Dr. about this and get help.
3. He is involved in porn.
I am sad to say that many married Christian men are secretly involved in porn and it is affecting marriages in the bedroom. I had one woman email me with this very question. I read the scenario to my husband…he immediately detected that it was porn but I sent her back the 1,2,3 analysis above. She confronted her husband and he confessed. A man can almost detect this better than a woman…because he knows how a man thinks.
Porn is rampant nowadays because there is easy access on the Internet and Satan has made it free! Ugh! Satan is working overtime in this area and taking ground everyday.
So what if this is you and you are stuck in a marriage with this issue? This is a huge can of worms that CANNOT be solved in one blog post but I can give you a simplified version of some of the things that may need to happen.
The first time you discover it demand a change because it’s not the first time your husband has been participating in it! If you overlook it you will enable him.
First, he will need to admit his problem, secondly, he will need to recognize this hurts you and apologize to you, thirdly you will need to understand the depth of his involvement – is this an addiction and for how long? Finally, he needs to get help from a Godly man in your church along with accountability.
It is important that you communicate to your husband your needs. Get to the bottom of why this is happening but gently. Do not turn this into WW III in your home. Start with prayer – maybe even a week or two of prayer. If this is a touchy subject and you have had fights over this previously, write out what you want to say and pray over it. Then find a quiet time when there are no children and your husband is not in the middle of a television show, an email or a nap and ask him if you can have a little talk. Then open up the discussion and seek restoration. I am praying for any of you who are in this situation right now. I know it hurts. God is with you - lean hard on him.
Walk with the King,
Addendum - Thank you for your comments and additions to the conversation -some of you have recommended some GREAT resources – thank you! Some of you have added a #4 that I agree with – when a woman has not taken care of herself, is disrespectful or makes her husband “beg” for it – he can lose his desire for his wife…but please understand that truly this just leads to porn (or even an affair) - it may take a year or two…but even a good man in this digital world has trouble withstanding the temptation.
This leads me to add…that some have mentioned their husbands have a lower drive…this may outrage some of you(I got a hate email about this)…but the reality is – God created men with a biological need to have it often …all you have to do is look at our media and see that a huge percentage of it is ran by this man’s drive to SEE the woman’s beauty and respond – from comedians, to the music industry, to the beer ads to the fashion industry it is all dominated by this drive that men and women have.
Dr. Juli Slattery (Focus On the Family) explains this need better here…there is a physical build up of the man’s seed that must be released regularly. To understand this as a woman it can be compared to a nursing mom who has the need to express her milk. This is how men were created…and if it is not happening in your man – then very likely #1 or #2 is the reason. And hopefully not #3. So, though I received just one hate email thus far…I know others could be looming – I stand behind what I have shared here in hopes that it helps just one woman get to the bottom of why their marriage is struggling in this area.
And let me humbly add that I am not a counsellor or Dr. – I have turned to them for their expertise and am reiterating what I understand them to be saying. I deeply apologize if in your situation I am WAY off. But I know that there has to be one woman out there this could help – so I can’t take this down. It’s with love that I post this.