My Husband Wants Me To Work

Anonymous wrote:

Could you talk about how to handle when your husband is not on the same page as you are in feeling God telling you to be home with your children. I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed. I’m afraid I will resent him in this area for the rest of our lives! I’m also afraid when he realizes that I should, it’ll be too late. =(

Dear Anonymous,

No matter what the issue is – when we do not feel on the same page as our husbands it hurts.  As women, we have a need to feel understood and being understood completes the intimacy that we long to experience in our marriage.  But here’s the kicker…your husband longs to be understood also – actually - he longs for you to highly respect his opinions…just like during the dating days when he could do no wrong.  So you are at a stale mate.  Let’s consider the situation.

There are a lot of factors that go into making a decision like going to work.  How many children do you have?  What age are they?  Is there a need for childcare?  What is your financial situation? Do you have heavy debt, college coming up for the kids, is your husband out of work, ill, or working in a field that is not secure right now?   And what is your husband’s reason for your working?  Is there some grain of truth or a respectable reason for why he wants you working?

I would suggest that you go to him (after 1-2 weeks of prayer) with creative alternatives that are well thought out and planned to show him.  Giving your husband concrete information will help him as he processes your different perspective.  Here’s some things you could do:

1. Evaluate places where you could possibly cut back and save money.  Make a list to show him the total savings. Read some of these blog posts by Money Saving Mom .  She is a Godly woman who writes her blog to help women just like you!

 31 Days to a Better Grocery Budget

Is it Possible to Save Money When We Barely Keep Our Head Above Water?

How To Start Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace Plan

Less is More!

I highly recommend you look into some of Dave Ramsey’s Resources, subscribe to his newsletter and really focus on showing your husband by your actions (not just words) that you are ready to work hard to cut corners and save money.

2. If your family cannot make it without your income, look for ways you can earn money from home.  My oldest sister (who is married to a pastor, homeschooled for 7 years, has done inner city ministry with the youth for over a decade and is an amazing cook, keeper of the home, wife and mom) is a virtual teacher from home with a regular paying salary.  Nowadays there are many jobs that can be done from home.  Pray and look out on the web for jobs you might be qualified to do from home.

Here’s more advice from Money Saving Mom:

Becoming a Work-At-Home Mom Series

Income Earning Ideas

3.  If making money from home is not a good option – consider looking for a part-time job.   My other sister – who stayed home until her children began attending school full-time, is a beautifully Godly wife, mother, homemaker, and co-laborer with her husband in ministry for over a decade.  She is financially savvy and could tell you where to get every deal in town! She works just 2 days a week in her children’s Christian school. It is perfect because she rides to school with them, can see them through out the day, has summer and holidays off with the kids and still has time to keep her home and serve along side her husband at church.  Keeping a part-time job could be a good compromise for you both?

If none of these solutions work and he is not giving you the option but rather saying ” you must work” then sweet Anonymous… you need to submit to your husband, as unto the Lord.

Ephesians 5:22 says: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.”

Many women are godly wives and mothers and earn income. What this means is your life will be a bit fuller…you will have to be a good manager of your time to keep up with your family’s needs and you may need your husband and children to chip in with housework. While your children are in your home, you will need to say a strong ”no” to many opportunities that come your way for fun or ministry.  These  “no’s” are only a sacrifice for a season.  I have found this to be comforting on days when I must say “no” to fun or ministry opportunities because of homeschooling.   The children will eventually grow-up and this guard on my time, will expand to include the things I wish I could do right now.

Your challenge will be finding contentment and joy in the midst of submitting to your husband in this area.   

I wrote a post, long ago, about how I dealt with some bitterness in my marriage …here’s how it began…Dare I admit that it was my husband who first detected my bitterness. In the midst of a heated discussion a few years ago – my mouth overflowed and he was shocked and immediately he said – you are really bitter about some things! That was a dagger in my pious heart. In my pride, I certainly was not about to admit that he was right…but when I opened up my prayer journal that night and began to pray and talk to God I was completely convicted. The Lord had used my husband to open my eyes to a poison that was eating me up – bitterness. (To read more click here.)

In closing, I want to remind you that the Proverbs 31 woman was creatively industrious and brought in an income. 

Proverbs 31:24 “She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.”

Readers - have you been in her shoes?  Do you have some wisdom you could share with women in this position?  Please share it in the comment section. 

Anonymous, remember to take your concerns to the throne of Jesus and Walk with the King!

Comments

  1. I have been in this situation. In my part of the country, it’s very common not only for wives to work but for wives to commute long-distance and work in very demanding jobs that keep them away from home long hours. If you only work part-time, you’re bucking the culture here and if you stay at home, then you’re REALLY countercultural. I think this mentality is what made it such a struggle for me to start coming home. However, rather than fight my husband about it, I prayed and from time to time the topic of how to make our home life a little less hectic would come up, and we could discuss the advantages and disadvantages of bringing me home. It was a process that took about 2 years, but my husband decided in the end that we should try having me come home and work from home part-time.

    It can be a process, and I would just advise you to pray and hang in there. What Courtney said about there being godly women out there in the workforce is true. I’ve had the honor of knowing some of them, and while I know it’s not what you want in your heart for your family, you can still find joy in serving Christ and blessing those who work with you, if your husband will not agree to your being home. Sorry this comment is so long!

    • Amy – thank you so much for sharing this. This is a very hard issue that women face today. It is good to hear from other women who have been there. Thank you!!!
      Courtney

      • Hi Courtney,
        I’ve been a reader for quite some time now and have found much encouragement and confidence in your ministry. Thank You :)

        I wanted to see if you would email me or discuss the “agree to disagree” angle. My husband recently got a Harley Davidson motorcycle and I now have no idea who this man is. He has joined a motorcycle group (albeit, a family friendly one) but only hangs out with the single guys “because they are the only ones who ride.” He stays out in bars or drunk on the motorcycle until 3 and 4 in the morning and does not seem to think there is anything wrong because he’s “not doing anything bad”. Last Thursday, he came home at 4 am, drunk as could be, spent the night in the bathroom and I found a girl’s number in his pocket. He says he doesn’t know where it came from. As I type this I feel like a stupid person who keeps trying to reason his decisions. I know he doesn’t respect me. I know he doesn’t “care” anymore. He said if I need to leave then I should. AGAIN, this is NOT the man I married. He’s just…I don’t know where he is…I love him and I’ve taken to scripture to see what I can do..it’s getting hard. I’m afraid he’ll cheat and mess up all we’ve worked for. How do I deal? I pray constantly that he’s not up to no good, but it only brings temporary peace. How can I go on this way? Thank You again and I really appreciate your Godly, honest advice. It means so much.

        • KDavi,
          Hello! This is something I can relate to. I have been in your very shoes. And I just wanted you to first know that I am praying for you. And second I wanted to share quickly how I got throught those times. I prayed and I had all my sweet prayer warriors along to help. And God changed my husbands heart. Now it wasn’t instant and it took time. But God moved in a mighty way. My husband says that seeing me at the foot of the Cross pleading his case if you will was a constant reminder and sting. I recieved counsel from our pastor at the time and he said I needed to stay in my marriage I did and it was so worth it in the end. Please know that another sister in Christ is praying for you and your family.

        • I can also relate, when my husband got his motorcycle, at first he included me. Gradually he was living in a life of his own. I kept quiet about his secret life until I discovered he was cheating, when I confronted him he convinced me that everyone was doing it. And besides he said, I care for you, but I am not in love with you anymore. I know if I had known the Lord at the time my marriage would still be intact. The pain I endured was unbearable. I tried coping on my own, I didn’t even tell my family. This is a wonderful site and there are so many supportive christians. I became a christian since my breakup and have continually leaned on the Lord for everything. I never thought I would ever experience joy and peace. My life is still a challenge, because I have 2 angry children who say they hate me, however I can endure even that; the Lord is truly amazing. I am praying for you and your family my sister in Christ.

          • I am so sorry Rita. I honestly completely understand what you are saying. I never expected to go through any of this. On the outside you’d never tell we were anything but happy. It kills me. he hides the ugliness and shame to our family but not to me. It’s a problem I can’t fix. I lift it up to God every morning and ask for strength for our daughter. I’m not sure what will happen from here but your prayers are so very coveted. I appreciate you very much. Thank you sister in Christ :)

        • KDavi,

          I felt so sad reading your post. I know wives are to submit, but I don’t know that means you have to be an enabler or doormat. Riding a motorcycle is dangerous on its own, much less doing it drunk and at 4am. He could kill himself or kill someone else. Your situation is serious and I would hope your pastor and other men at church could intercede and help you out here by speaking with your husband. Maybe he needs to go through a treatment program to address his drinking problem or attend AA meetings or both. Lifting you up in prayer. I hope the man you married returns.
          In Christ,
          Kristi

        • Kristi,

          I can not see how the motorcycle gang he’s joined is a family friendly one who is of single men who stay out at bars till 2-3am drunk. This is not family friendly or even good for them as single men.

    • KDavi – the situation that you are describing sounds like it goes MUCH deeper than a Harley, a drink, and another woman…it sounds like he is having serious emotional issues. If you are fighting about all these peripheral things and not getting to the heart of the matter this problem may never be resolved.

      I encourage you to look past all of the garbage that are signs that he is angry, hurt, bitter, has past issues that are unresolved etc. and work on getting to the heart…why does he not want to come home? Why is he drinking till he is drunk? Are there problems at work? Are there problems with relationships with his family? Did his father drink and get drunk? Why is he throwing away his marriage?

      I would not address these symptoms but rather go to him in love, with gentleness and respect and tell him that you are just plain concerned about him and his needs. What is it that he needs at home that would help him? Is there anything you can do for him?

      This takes serious humility and self-control and I am NOT saying any of what he is doing is okay… but only that he may not open up to you until he feels safe…that he won’t be criticized or ridiculed or hated or rejected etc.

      If going to him in this manner, does not help him to open up to you…then I would absolutely get outside help right away…because truthfully he is going to kill someone or kill himself if he is driving drunk. Offer to pick him up or get someone to do this…oh girl – this is a terrible situation no doubt…but you have to push yourself to the side for a moment and really focus on how you can be his helper as he is completely blind right now to the danger he is in. You will not persuade a man to change with arguing, accusations and insults…you must take the helper approach and see if he will allow you to “help” him. If he will not, I suggest you get help and see a counsellor, pastor or trusted friend for more advice.

      Praying for you right now!
      Courtney

  2. I’ve been there. I tried everything I could think of not to go back to work after my first dd was born, but my dh would have none of it. I resented him for years after that. I just recently got rid of my bitterness (after 6 years). I understand that working is the right thing for my familiy. I’m a teacher so I’m off a lot– and I get to see my 2 oldest at school now with me. It’s hard, but being bitter about it makes it harder. BIG hugs to you, Mama. I’m not saying it is easy– but sometimes it is necessary. And God has put your in this situation for a reason. Maybe you are supposed to minister to some people at work? Maybe you will do something/say something that leads someone to God? No matter what, God has put you where you need to be– :) ~Kelly

  3. Another perspective:

    I am a full-time working mother who desires to be at home with my 3 and 4 year old. My husband too wants me to work. His reasons are that my career field has more stability and earning potential. In other words, I can make much more than him in the work force. My heart longs to be home, though. Instead, my husband stays home with our children and works very part-time. Although I am grateful that at least one of us is home with them (i.e. no daycare), I still wish it was me. Dads are great, but I still believe that God wanted mothers to be home.

    The main challenge I face is balancing what I believe God calls me to be and do as a wife and mother with the hours I actually have with my family. I’m still working on this. I basically only have from 5:30 pm until bedtime to nuture and teach my little ones, keep up with the house, meals, and attempt to give my husband ‘special’ time. I’m exhausted to say the least.

    I hope your husband will reconsider or that you can find a job working from home. I truly believe if we are to be the women God wants us to be, it is ideal for us to be more in the home environment and less out in the work force.

    • HI Karen, have you presented to your husband biblical reasons why you want to stay home and what the bible has to say about it? It doesn’t necessarily say it in black and white but it does encourage it. In proverbs 31, you can see that the lady was at home for awhile too. Those were all different seasons of her life but nonetheless she did stay home and be with her kids, then she invested, and start making things, etc. Titus 2 is another example.
      Then give reasons why you want to stay home and how the kids will benefit from their moms. As moms we are very influential whether we believe it or not. Husband are to be the head, to lead and guide and also to provide. Pastor Mark Driscoll did a whole sermon on homemaking and how the MEN needs to provide (doesn’t matter who makes more or less). It is very good and if your husband is a Christian maybe you both can listen to it? If you feel called to be at home present it in a way he can grasp and understand it. No nagging needed. :) Be blessed.

  4. I remember so well my husband and I going through a similar scenario. I was a public school teacher and he worked in the real estate market. Our incomes were equal and I carried the insurance through the school system. When our little boy was born, I felt such a tug to be home with him. I became increasingly miserable at school every day and couldn’t wait to get home to him. If I quit my job to stay home, our income would be half – and we would have to buy our insurance privately – very expensive. After much prayer, many discussions, and a few tears, we agreed that I would send in my resignation and not return to teaching in the fall. Here is our miracle and confirmation that we made the right choice: within the year, my husband’s income had doubled and his business continued to grow. He says he felt such a freedom to work harder and provide for us knowing that I was home. Our life became so much less stressful. I’m still at home twenty years and four children later. I’ve done several home based businesses (floral arranging for weddings, tutoring, etc.) I’m anxious to hear your outcome!

  5. Firstly, explain as honestly as you can to your husband about how you feel. Why exactly do you want to stay home? Think about it. Are your reasons selfish?
    For me I told my husband before we were married that my dream was to stay at home for my children. He accepted that but in recent years we have fallen on hard times to some periods of unemployment for him.
    I live in Australia so i decided to take part in a scheme here called family day care to look after other kids in my home and still take care of my kids while earning money. God has recently called me to become a foster mum and that will let me pay the bills and send my oldest son to a Christian school when he starts school next year.
    Pray and keep searching for answers. Husbands and wives should submit to each other but at the end of the day you only control yourself. You should find a compromise I think. Doing what you are told can lead to resentment. You have to want to do it for the right reasons – to help your family.
    Sometimes we mothers are asked to do too much and it can often lead to depression, etc. Take care of yourself.
    Also why does he want you to get a job? Selfish reasons? A bigger flat screen? I’m guessing not. I’m guessing that as the provider he is feeling a lot of pressure as he can’t seem to earn enough money for you to live on. Think of him, be kind and loving to him and think of his needs. Would your husband be easier to live with if he wasn’t so pressured all the time? Unburden him and he will be happier. You are his helper and lover and he is yours.

  6. I am also a public school teacher who longs to be home with my children. In our case, it isn’t so much that my husband wants me to work, it is more that he doesn’t think we will survive if I don’t. All I can do is keep praying. I think that since God has laid this so heavy on my heart, He will make a way. I just need to be patient and trust Him. The song “While I’m Waiting” from the Fireproof movie has become my theme song. I keep looking for opportunities to grow and learn but sometimes I feel really anxious and desperate. I just have to be very careful about bringing up the topic with my husband because he feels like he’s not a good provider and that he’s stuck so I’m just going to keep waiting and praying. :)

    • Rebecca:
      I feel like you are speaking for me. My husband feels the insurance, possibility of him loosing his job (just because it “could” happen) and retirement are his main concerns. I want to be in a place to HAVE to rely on the Lord to make it work. I pray without ceasing but there are many times I get discouraged and anxious. Thank you for taking the time to voice your situation; it has made me feel not quite so alone. I would love to know how your journey is going now.

      • This is exactly where I am! I feel such comfort knowing I’m not alone. Its been a while since you ladies wrote this, if you get a notification of my reply, I would love to hear if things have changed for you. I pray constantly for my husband to experience a heart change on this matter…

  7. I have found that every time I fight my husband and do what I want, I end up regretting it. It is hard to submit when we see things that we think are right and should never be altered, and then our husbands see the need for us to go against our expectations, what we think is best. The Bible tells us to submit while our husbands are told to love. Sometimes, often, I get it backwards…if he loved me like he was supposed to, I could easily submit. But I have been learning that that isn’t what the Bible says. It tells me to submit. No cause and effect involved. And it’s funny, b/c when I just let go and submit, I find it is easier for my husband to love me, and he often listens to me more, and I often find he actually was right and could see things from a different perspective.

  8. Yep, I am a wife and mother to an 18 month old and pregnant with my second, and I have an interview coming up for a part-time job in the evenings at a popular bath and and beauty product store at our local mall. It’s only for a season just to help out with prenatal care expenses, since our health insurance policy doesn’t cover maternity and my midwife is out of network. I have already let them know that I can only work in the evenings after my husband gets home from work. Childcare is not an option for us; we just aren’t comfortable leaving our baby in the care of strangers. And the woman in Proverbs 31 encourages me also, so thank you for quoting that verse! Have faith, Anonymous.

    • Amen….been there! You work when you must to make ends meet. But, why not work nights so only you and your husband raise your children? I just got to finally quit my job a few months back, and it’s been wonderful being home full time and being able to take care of my family, and give my wonderful husband REST when he gets home! But, I am thankful that I was able to have a job that allowed us to be our baby’s only caregivers. When made certain sacrifices then, and we’re making others now. So worth it!! God is honoring our obedience, and we see/feel it every day.

      On another note, AWESOME that you’re using a midwife. We’re TTC now, and are planning a home birth. I’ll keep you all in my prayers <3

  9. Is there a compromise you can reach whereby you take you skills and create a self-employed style business from them? This is what I did when my eldest daughter was born and it has been the solution for our family. So much so that now I am pregnant with number 3, my husband has now chosen to do the same thing. The freedom to pick up work when it’s needed and say ‘no’ when we want family time has absolutely liberated us. The pay has been far better too. Think outside of the box – in October my husband will be freelancing for an old employer of his for double what they paid him as an employee.

  10. I think it’s a hard spot to be in. My husband and I often disagree on this issue. My husband is not a Christian, which I believe adds much tension in this area. I believe that God will provide a way, and we just have to do the best we can. We don’t have children yet, and I work part-time. My husband wants me to work full-time but at least acknowledges that it is partly for reasons of just wanting more. He is one of those people who unfortunately has not experienced God’s love, despite the many areas of our lives in which everyone, except him, can see God at work. So he is constantly looking for the next thing that will make him happy. It’s hard seeing him struggle like that, but he does listen to me mostly. Sometimes it takes a gentle reminder to show him that more money is not going to make him happy- but it’s hard. Pray. Talk to God and just pour your heart out. Then, approach your husband and try to explain to him that while you are willing to get a job if it is necessary, your heart is breaking over it. Let him know how much emotional anguish this will cause you, but always keep an open mind to at least getting a job. He may have a good reason – maybe he is worried about losing his job! That can cause a man to make MANY demands (it’s happened between me and my wonderful hubby a few times) that make us feel like all of a sudden we aren’t good enough for them and don’t make them happy. They get scared, but often men show anger and unhappiness when scared. I think it is some male macho thing. :-)

  11. My husband and I are in a similar situation as well. In our dating years, I told him I always wanted to be home when we had children. We decided to wait a few years before trying to have children, so I have been working full time the past 5 years. My husband was going to school 2 of those, and now he is working full time, but also going back to school again. We have not had any children yet, but are planning to try very soon. My husband has told me now that he would like me to work at least 2 days a week when we do have children. I feel so torn about this. I want to be able to stay home all the time, but I also want to be respectful of him. I do have family near by and they have already stated that they would help watch children when that time comes, so I will not need day care. That is one area that both of us agree on, no daycare. Since I work in the schools, I would be off in the summer and holidays etc. as well. It is definitely an area of prayer. I would make a list of pros and cons about you working. Take it to your husband and talk about it. Maybe he will have some more pros or cons to add to the list. Discuss it and find a good alternative or solution that makes him feel at ease and also gives you some peace. It may not be exactly what you want, but God will bless if you are sincerely following your husband’s lead and God’s plan for you at that time. God bless!

  12. I’ve been in this same situation and I was not ready to go back to work. But I was obedient to my husband because I love the Lord and follow His biblical teachings. After almost two years he wanted me to quit because we got back on track financially. I’m so glad I didn’t nag him or go against him as the head of my home because I can see how much more he respects and loves me for being understanding.

  13. Praying for any women in this rough, probably very emotional, situation… :(

    My husband and I are definitely budgeters, and what was really helpful for us while we were engaged was to lay out a sample realistic, comfortable (through certainly not extravagant) budget on his income that we could live on once we were married. We did that, first, because we never could know for sure if or when God might bless us with a baby, and didn’t want to jump into marriage feeling like we were doomed if we found out we were expecting (which we now are – so we’re definitely glad we thought ahead!). The other reason we did that was because it paved the way for us to take a realistic look at how much I personally could add to our monthly income. After taxes, the portion of income we choose to give (1 Cor 16:2), and the other added expenses that we knew would or easily could come up if I was not a housewife (a second car/insurance/extra gas money, extra food money for more eating out or convenience groceries, a work wardrobe, etc)…we were a little bit surprised at how little of a dent it made in our monthly income. When those few extra dollars weren’t meeting any essential need, we chose my flexibility over the money. And this is pre-kids! Everyone’s situation will have different details (for example, my degree is in Women’s Ministries – which is great but not much of a moneymaker, we started marriage with just one car, I enjoy looking for ways to save money, etc)….but for us this was the clear choice.

    All that to say, if a husband’s (or wife’s) desire for the wife to work is financially motivated, it would probably be wise to take an honest look at where you’re genuinely at with and without the wife’s income – you may not come to the same conclusion as us in your case, but it just might be surprising how little difference it makes.

  14. I’m sorry to hear that you are in this situation.

    I would suggest asking your husband if you can try living on his salary alone for a trial period of 3-6 months. Continue working and save your salary. It may help him see that you can live on his income alone. Also, when you stay home, you save a lot of money on food as you have time to prepare more items from scratch. My husband always tells me that we are doing so much better on his salary alone then when we both worked full time. Oddly enough we have more money at the end of the month. We also are a lot happier as I am able to devote more time to keeping of the home.

  15. In Brazil most of the qualified educated wives work and leave their children with nannies or childcare.
    Even though it is a heartbreak leaving the children behind it is out of the question that a woman needs to work outside. Firstly because of economic needs and secondly it would be countercultural. You become a lazy person on everyone’s mind if you don’t go to work. And I do not agree with this culture at all. Kids nowadays are emotionally lost and needy because they simply don’t get the proper attention from their parents. They’re just spoiled materially and left aside.

  16. I agree, submit to your husband. Hopefully he will have a change of heart. This can be a tough situation indeed! But you must truly submit with a cheerful heart, only then will the Lord answer your prayers in this and every area of your (and our) lives.

    Think of Abraham and Isaac, the Lord only intervened when Abraham had the knife in the air.

  17. Courtney,

    Do you think it’s possible to go from working outside the home to working from home? We have tremendous debt and I just don’t see it happening.

    I’d love your input!

  18. I told my husband from the begin that I plan to stay home with our kids, when we had them. I had made my living keeping other peoples children and I did not want someone else rising my own kids. So, before we even had kids we decided I need to fine a job that I love to do and could work it around his busy youth pastor schedule. I decided to go to Massage Therapist school. I am not saying become a MT but it works great for me bc I work in all my massage around times when he can be home with the kids and I love my job. I also make bows when I am at home and sell them at a shop in town. So, you may want to find a side job that works for you. You could keep other peoples kids in your home to earn extra money, do something crafty and sell it on Esty, or go to trade school, find something you enjoy doing and make it work for you.
    And always pray, pray, pray about it. God will give you the answers just don’t try to rush Him.

  19. Excellent response, Courtney. I would encourage Anonymous to remember that there is a season for everything. Her working may only be for a short time – because God may prosper this family as they seek unity above all else and the wife’s income is no longer needed or maybe because the wife working doesn’t go well and the husband agrees she should return home, etc. The decision to work is for a season and is not irreversible. Anything can happen in today’s world – unemployment and layoffs included. God sending this lady to work may be just what is needed to put this family in a good place for what is coming next, a few months or years down the road. Pray. Respect. Communicate. Submit. God will bless and give His peace.

  20. For the majority of my now 16 years of marriage, my husband has wanted me to work outside the home. I like you felt called by God to stay home and care for my children, and homeschool them. He made a good enough living that we could afford to live on one income, but he was raised in a two income home, and never considered the alternative. So, I year after year persuaded him to allow me to stay home, with the obvious arguments any of us would pose. He wasn’t in whole supportive, and in his heart he did resent my staying home. Especially when finances were tight. Finally when our middle child was in Jr High, and my husband brought home an application to a company that he had heard about, I submitted, and went to work. I worked there for nearly 3 years, and was very blessed for my submission. I remember in the interview, telling the man that would be my boss, when he hasked why I wanted to work for the company…I replied, trying to hold back tears… “I am here because I am submitting to my husband, he wants me to work, I would really rather be home with my children, but in honoring my husband I am honoring the Lord which is what I promise I will do in my job if you decide to hire me.”
    A little less than three years later I would be hugging my boss as I said good-bye, with us both tearing! God gave me a mission field at my offce, I was able to share my faith with over 100 co-workers before I left that job to move across the country to help my husband start a church. I have friends from there that will last a lifetime. I attended a lunch hour bible study, and saw the difference I was able to make. I was able to lead a young muslim woman to Christ! Many people took the time to tell me when I was leaving, and even before…that I made a difference in there life. That was the Lord using me to reach them.
    I am at home again with my children homeschooling, and I am thankful for the great opportunity God blessed me with as I worked outside the home. And now finally, my husband is 100% in support of my staying home and homeschooling. That is something I can not put a value on! I really do wish I would have submitted sooner!
    Praying for you and your family as you are dealing with this decision!

  21. My husband and I are also talking about me returning to work. We have one child who will be starting school possibly as early as next fall. We live in an area where I cannot return to work before he goes to school, as my returning to work will cause us to need a new car as well as have to put him into daycare. Those 2 things coupled with the insane cost of auto fuel right now, prohibits me from working until daycare would not be needed. My husband is currently working on some certifications so that he can earn more money, and will be strongly searching for a new job/career once he has the certifications. We hope that he will earn more money than he is now, so that if we can’t get my son into a public school next fall (some schools don’t offer PK4 before Kindergarten and if they do, they are sometimes only part-time) I will be able to stay home with him an additional year. After that, we have agreed that I will go back part-time until he is old enough (and we are comfortable enough) to get him into some after-school programs (I saw one nearby that was a combination after-school program and tae kwan do class). It frustrates me when he talks about me “needing” to work. But in my heart of hearts, I know it is true. We have quite a lot of debt to pay off right now. If we didn’t have the debt, then my returning to work wouldn’t be as much of a necessity as a luxury and we could talk about it more. I love the idea of working from home, but at this point haven’t had success at finding something to do from home that isn’t MLM. I continue to keep my eyes open for WAH opportunity.

  22. I see you’ve gotten many replies, but I’m going to add mine anyway. My husband is a business owner and when the economy tanked, so did the business, our only source of income. First we cut back as many ways as we could (cable, couponing, combining errands to save gas, eating at home 100% of the time, among other things). When that was no longer working, DH insisted I get a job, which killed me because my youngest (our “rainbow baby” after our 33 week loss) was only 3 months old at the time. So, for 9 months, DH would come home from work and I would walk out the door to my job at a department store (I worked an average of 30 hours a week). This way we didn’t have to pay for childcare and our children were with at least one parent at all times. My husband already worked 6 days a week, 8 hours a day ( sometimes 12-13 hours on nights I didn’t work and he had appointments with customers), it would not have been fair for him to get a second job while I stayed home. In the end, it was only for a season. The instant we were financially stable again and could do without my job (which I ended up loving), he told me to quit. If needed, we would do this arrangement again in a heartbeat because it’s what was best for our family. Good luck with this decision, Anonymous!

  23. I think this needs to be a reminder to us to teach our daugthers to talk about this with a future husband BEFORE they get married. Also, teach them that if they work when they are first married to not live on it (either pay off debt with it or save it) so that they can start off not counting on their income for living. I am thankful my husband let’s me stay home; and it was something we talked about before getting married. I couldn’t believe how many my friends never talked about that before they got married! In the same respect I believe we need to prepare our sons to be hard workers and providers for their family and the benefits of having a wife at home.

    • I agree with “Homemaker.” I have seen so many women broken hearted over discussions like, “Can Mom stay home full time?” or “How many children should we have?” because they didn’t ask the questions until after they got married. I am not saying that we will not change our minds, or that situations will not arise that would lead us to need to alter our plans. But just knowing where each person stands before saying, “I do” could really help things. Someone who doesn’t want more than 1 child is not as likely to demand 12, and someone who believes that women need to work, might be set in his ways.

      Of course, if before marriage a husband was saying he was happy with the idea of his wife being home, and after the marriage he decides it is more important to buy motorcycles or boats- then perhaps loving council from your pastor could help? That seems like a seperate set of issues. It is hard to pray for our husbands to see the virtue in us staying home if their hearts are not on God, but instead are focused on earthly gains or pleasures. In that case, loving and respectful conversations need to take place- and I would think it appropriate to explain how you feel. And, I believe, advice from a pastor or Christian councilor may help.

      I really liked what so many great people had to say on this subject! Great advice! I appreciated a mention of not allowing yourself to be a doormat. Getting therapy from a Christian person may lend some really good results. Any good therapist will try and understand your goals, but can also help you see if there need to be some major changes or interventions. If your husband demands you do X, Y, and Z, but feels free to run around at all hours of the night, drinking, and spending everything in your checking account- pray, and get help.

  24. I have a story to share. :)
    My husband wanted me to work outside the home. It was more because of lavish wants or lifestyle and to help with some of the bills. After much prayers and through the grace of God we were able to refinance. Our mortgage went down, I wanted to stay home. He still did not agree. Asked a few months later he RELUCTANTLY agree. I took it as a YES and ran with it. 2 years later here with are thriving with only one income. We have more than half of his pay to save. Before we were struggling pay to pay with no savings, life insurance, 401k, college fund, etc. Here we have all of this, we tithe, give extra to our church, help those in need, bless others around us, need I say more? It was a huge step of faith and GOD has tremendously blessed us. We even have one child in a private Christian school! What a blessing it has been and the best decision ever made for our family. All I can say is that staying home takes a step of faith and through it God will honor it. Show your husband this testimony and watch God work. We rely on God for our income, He is our source. Not the mom or the dad, but he is. If we are obedient, He will bless. What he ordains, he sustains.

  25. Thanks for the post and I do hope that the woman who wrote will find peace in the decisions. I worked at first to help my husband get through school. We had two children during this time. When he graduated from school; I stopped working. He lost his job 8 years later so I went back to work for about 10 years. I tried mainly to work part time and I was a nurse so I could work more family friendly shifts. I always thought my husband really wanted me to work and we didn’t really explore his feelings on the subject and then one day we do and he told he never really wanted me to work.
    I like the links you have given to help with household expenses.
    Blessings for your thoughts today!

  26. Have you looked at the cost of working? I know it varies by couple, but sometimes it actually costs you more to work than what you are making. For example, taxes, gas commuting to and from your job, work clothes, lunches out with co-workers, daycare, eating out because you don’t have the time or energy to cook each night etc. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 20 months and I spend a lot of my daughters nap times following frugal blogs and mapping out my grocery store shopping for the week to cut back on our grocery expenses. You would be amazed at the things you can (legitimately) get for free: toothpaste, toothbrushes, floss, deodorant, body wash, pasta, barbecue sauce, feminine products, mascara, pens, tape, etc. My husband always brings his lunch to work and we rarely eat out. Every little bit you can save can really add up. You might also want to make a list of reasons why you want to stay home and have your husband make a list of reasons why he wants you to work, and then discuss them. There have been a number of times when my husband and I didn’t see eye to eye on something and then once we finally realized why the other person felt the way they did, our minds were changed.

  27. Courtney,
    I’m in the same spot as the woman who sent you the question. But I am a certified teacher and would love if you could let me know what your sister is doing part time at home working as a virtual teacher. I would be so grateful.
    Thanks for all the you do. I love your blog.
    Leslie

    • Leslie – I apologize for taking SO long to answer your question – I just realized it was marked to answer and I had not done it :( My sister works for OHVA (Ohio Virtual Academy) and it is full time. Thanks for your encouragement :)!
      Courtney

  28. I wanted to quit my job after my first daughter was born and my husband didn’t. I went back to work for a few month and I couldn’t stand it, so I quit working full time and was lucky to be able to work at the same company but only for one week a month (accounting) being a contractor, I was able to make almost as much money working that one week without benefits. However, when I had my second daughter my contracting job came to an end and my husband was ready for me to go back to work fulltime. It took about a year halfway looking for a job and then my old company just happened to call me and asked if I was ready to come back. I wasn’t but my husband was ready. The financial burden of being the only income provider was very stressful for him. So, I got the job and went back to work. Cried everyday on my way to the office for weeks and my girls cried at daycare for a few weeks but we adjusted. After a month, my husband asked me to quit. He couldn’t stand it and it wasn’t good for his career. I needed him to pick up the girls from daycare when I was working late or help more around the house, help with things he didn’t or wasn’t ready to help with. He thought I would still take care of the house, the kids, the groceries and help our family finances. It was an eye opener for him and now he prefers that I stay home and luckily I am able to work a part-time job from home and go into work one day on the weekend. It all works out for the best in the end. My prayers are with you!

  29. I can totally relate to this topic. When my first child was born I worked from home and was able to be with him all the time and still have a job. I was also putting my husband through college at the time. When he graduated and my son was three we moved back to our hometown. My plan was to stay home and have another baby but God had other plans. My husband couldn’t find a job. It would have been easy to dig in my heels and say no but God spoke to my heart and I knew I had the ability to help provide for my family. So, I went to work and eventually my husband found a job although it wasn’t in his field and didn’t pay much. We did have another child and it was very hard to go to work but God kept reassuring me that he knew my heart but he was God and I was not…to trust Him. Eventually the job I took led to an amazing job both for myself and my husband and five years later that first job I took has led my husband to an unbelievable job beyond anything we could have ever dreamed. If I would have told God or my husband no the job he has now would have never happened. God knows what he is doing. Be obedient to him even if it doesn’t seem to jive with the “desires of your heart”. I would also say if God wants you to stay home then pray that your husband’s heart will be changed by God toward that decision but if it is not then you also need to be open to God changing yours. Don’t worry about what others think, don’t worry about being the only working mom at church (been there and felt that judgement). Be obedient to God regardless of what the end decision ends up being. You never know the reason why God has us do the things He has us do.

  30. I cannot describe how much this post hits home for me. My husband and I had our oops baby, and I have been pushing and pushing to be at home. This makes me realize, I need to stop pushing and respect his opinions and just wait for the opportunity to arise. We are both on the same page that we want me to stay at home when we have a second child, but he wants be to continue to work 3-4 years until then… I feel like I’m losing out on my little girl growing up and I really need to pray on this and give my problems to God.

    • Michelle Van Gorder says:

      Me too Michelle… I’m in the same spot and just praying and waiting for God… I’m due June 15th with out first little boy, and my heart it to be home also…but I feel like I’ll be missing out too. Praying my husband will have faith to trust God. He has faith in many other areas…but I guess in this one he doesn’t think the Lord will provide.

  31. Thank you for this post and thank you to the women who have made comments.

    My situation is that we are unable to have children and have come to terms with this. I know that He has a plan for me. However, I do long to be a full-time homemaker or at least leave my demanding job and work part-time.

    My husband does not see the point in a wife who isn’t a mother, staying home. He feels that not only would it be a financial strain but what on Earth would I do all day? I pray and pray about this and perhaps someday this will change. I do feel that our marriage would benefit from me being home more. There would not be a mad dash for cleaning on weekends, errands only on weekends and we could have a nice homemade dinner.

  32. Some time before, I really needed to buy a car for my corporation but I didn’t have enough cash and couldn’t purchase anything. Thank God my fellow suggested to take the personal loans from reliable creditors. Hence, I did so and used to be happy with my short term loan.

  33. I worked outside the home until about eight months ago I got to come home FINALLY. My husband had debilitating seizures, had a business failure that left us in crushing debt due to a partner who was not honest. I worked a lot. At one point I worked 2 jobs totally about 95 hours per week because my husband was unable to hold down a job after his business failed because the stress from that made his seizures worse. I did resent him– A LOT. Then I felt guilty for resenting him because I knew he could not help it. The creditors were breathing down our backs and it just seemed like things would never get better. They did. My advice to anyone wanting to be home with the chidren is to keep talking to the Lord and don’t give up. You never know what might happen.

    Four years ago my husband had brain surgery. God healed him totally and he is better than he was before. We still had a pit to climb out of, but we could climb it together. Ten months ago I had a discussion with my husband concerning the toll my work was taking on my own mental health. My husband listened and I quit. It was a leap of faith esspecially since I brought in 65% of the income. I am home full time, homeschooling, and even though I am still finding my groove I am glad to be home. I remember what it used to feel like trying to balance work, wifehood, and motherhood. Now I have much more peace and so does my family.

  34. I, too, have a husband who has always wanted me to work. We are not on the same page Spiritually and he likes to enjoy the finer things in life. I have often resented it and often prayed. Once I had a dream that just made me cry… that he would think he was making my dreams come true by one day coming home and telling me that I could quit my job, only for me to grieve because the kids were already grown and I felt like there was no reason for me to be home any more. I shared that with him, but I’m not sure that I should have. Well, the kids are grown now, and about to leave the nest. I have grown and realize several things…
    God has used my jobs in many ways… to bless me, my husband and family, and also countless others. Even the Proverbs 31 woman worked!
    I do need to submit to my husband (without resentment) and do my best to show him my love in ways that he will feel and understand. This is important to him and I do need to consider his needs and feelings.
    Maybe someday he will come home and tell me I can quit my job… even if the kids aren’t home, I see now that there will still be benefits for all of us.
    I urge you to pray, pray, pray, that God will change your heart on this issue if he will not change your husband’s. Perhaps things will turn out the way you wish… but you must tread lightly and really take his wants and needs into consideration. Obedience is hard. But it won’t be accepted the same if you grit your teeth or put on a fake smile. You need God to help you truly do it with a right heart and attitude for things to change.

    I came to Christ a year after we were married and it caused all kinds of problems. He hated the changes in me. I never imagined it taking years for him to be saved. One day as I cried out to God, He told me that it didn’t matter if my husband accepted him at 90 years old on his deathbed… that that was good enough. Oh, I hated to hear that! Thank God it didn’t take that long! It took 10 years or more before he started coming to church willingly. We have been attending together for almost another 10, but we are not growing at the same pace. But I know God is working and He will work for you, as well!
    Blessings, Sister!

  35. When my husband & I met, we were both in the US Navy. I finished my time & got out. Then he got out & we found ourselves trying to live in the lovely Northwest without money, college or much skill. He asked me to go to work and without hesitation, I did as he asked. Once he felt settled enough & I found myself pregnant with #2, he saw it was a better time for me to be home.

    One week after #2 was born, he was laid off. He sent both of our resumes to a contracting company. Guess who was called! Yep, that’s right. When #2 was *two weeks* old, I submitted and returned to working. My husband was home with the kids & looking for work for 4 months. A few months later, it was ok to be home again.
    I was requested to go back to work when #2 was 2 yrs old. Again, without hesitation, I submitted to his request. At the end of a year he reenlisted in the Navy.

    Since the reenlistment, in 2000 we have been secure & he has not asked me to go to work. Now and then he talks about the work force “needing” my skills. 5 yrs ago #3 joined the crew & then #4 came along within 18mo :) Now I’m homeschooling. But, retirement from the service looms. Recently a job notice popped up for me to do what I did in the Navy. He asked me to apply. Without hesitation, I did so. We’ll see what happens.

    But, what I can tell you is that I trust my husband, yes. More than that, though, I trust my husband to seek God’s will and to be the head of our home to such a degree that he hears my preferences & seeks nothing but the best for us. If I doubt what he’s asking I pray two-fold: God, please be clearly speaking to my husband. God please help me to hear what he’s asking. God I just want us to be in unity with Your will. Please don’t let this be about me trying to fill my will or him trying to fill his. Please give us unity, in Your will.

    I understand that not everyone has a husband that seeks God like mine does. I don’t know what your situation is, but I encourage you to trust that God will direct your steps no matter where you serve Him. I hope that you can trust Him with your children. I just pray that you remain in His will whatever it. If our husband is not asking us to sin against God, we can trust that submitting is the best option. I see submission as choosing to stand under an umbrella of protection from the storms of life.

  36. Stephanie says:

    I wanted to stay home and homeschool; my husband insisted that I work. He is ok with homeschooling, he is not ok doing without cable and high speed internet or driving ‘old beaters’.

    SO I work nights and homeschool during the day. We partner on the house work. It works for us.

  37. I do not have children (we’ve been married just over 2 years) and am having difficulty defending a stay-at-home position. My husband tells me I just need to work temporarily, so that we can buy a home and get settled, but I’m afraid that he’ll come to depend on my income to make ends meet. I remind him of how many times I’ve been able to help him in desperate situations on his truck-driving jobs (his GPS not working, forgetting his wallet/truck keys etc); I wouldn’t have been able to spend hours navigating his routes from home or rush to him at 4-5 am had I been outside of the home working. Furthermore, my health is shaky. I barely have the energy to keep up with household tasks, much less add 30-40 hours of stressful work (as an LVN) on top of that.

    I feel that he doesn’t value me unless I come with a paycheck, and I’ve told him so. I know that a Proverbs 31 women earns income, but in examining the passage she is doing work from within her home, not for an outside employer. I feel he has placed an unnecessary burden on me, saying things like “don’t you want our living situation to improve?” as if it’s all my fault that we don’t have our own home.

    Now that I’m done venting, I should add that I have been working for 3 months, part-time, a job that came straight from the Lord. The problem is, it’s probably temporary and I’m making a fraction of what I would at a hospital. So I’m going to start fervently praying (as opposed to occasionally) that the Lord would intervene, because I do get depressed and think it would be better to just end it all, and he would be relieved of me as a burden. It’s a difficult struggle. Please pray for me.

  38. I am struggling with this same issue. The bigger issue with my situation is that I am unevenly yoked with my husband(non-believer) and that I waiver in and out of the world. I have been able to stay at home with my daughter on/off for the past 4 years. My husband completely resents this though, and I always feel like I am in rebellion towards him. I know it is something that God wants for our family though, so I am always torn and feel very unrested. I either feel like I am settled with my homemaking life and get very motivated to take care of our home and daughter, decorating, meal planning, sewing, etc; but then my husband gets stressed out with money and points the finger at me not working- I then focus all my energy and time into finding a job. I can’t ever catch a break, and just feel satisfied and comforted that I am following what God wants for my life. I was given a book ‘Created to Be his Help Meet’ by Debi Pearl. There is a chapter in this book that is very specific about the wife working. She advises that it is blasphemous to God’s word. I encourage everyone to read this book. It has changed my life. I am to submit to my husband no matter what. In the meantime, God has taken care of many financial problems with our household. I am now in a time where my husband wants me to work again…*sigh* I have since started a part-time cleaning position and my daughter is in daycare. I don’t like this situation at all. My daughter is scared all the time now, and sick:-( The only thing I can do is trust that this is another season, and that God will take care of this situation. I am doing what He wants me to do first-submit to my husband, and then God will take care of this burden. Trust that He is in control of your husband and let go of your control. You will see amazing blessings and miracles. Godspeed—-

    • Michelle Van Gorder says:

      The only thing I can do is trust that this is another season, and that God will take care of this situation. I am doing what He wants me to do first-submit to my husband, and then God will take care of this burden. Trust that He is in control of your husband and let go of your control. You will see amazing blessings and miracles. Godspeed—- <—This was very encouraging Michelle… I pray I could be a full-time Mom someday too… Just waiting on Jesus…

  39. Ganemed Collins says:

    My name is Ganemed Collins from Switzerland. My boyfriend is going out with his boss daughter and he wants to marry her and become the owner of the company when her father died because she is the only child. He broke up with me February last year and living me with a shattered heart. I never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster when i went to Africa in June last year on a business summit because i am a petroleum engineer. I met a priest who is powerful, he helped me restored my relationship that was already broken. I was surprise that when i came back from Africa during July, Robbert came back and apologize for all that he has done wrong and we got my married October last year. It pleases me that i am a happy woman now with a baby boy who sleeping besides me. I promise to tell the whole world the truth about the priest because he is a nice man. Anyone who need help should contact him through his email address templeofpermanenthealing@gmail.com

  40. My Name is Mrs Angela, I was married to my husband for 8years and we were both blessed with three children, living together as one love, until 2013 when things was no longer the way it was [when he lost his job]. But when he later gets a new job 6 months after, he started sleeping outside our matrimonial home. Only for me to find out that he was having an affair with the lady that gave him the
    job. since that day, when i called him, he no longer pick up my calls and nothing good since to come out from him. Yet my husbands just still keep on seeing the new girl friend till Dr. Orinoko cast a spell for me, now he is back with me and me only. And i am happy with my family if you need his help
    contact on via email, orinokosolutiontemple1@ gmail. com

  41. Michelle Van Gorder says:

    I’m in the same spot and just praying and waiting for God… I’m due June 15th with out first little boy, and my heart it to be home also…but I feel like I’ll be missing out too. Praying my husband will have faith to trust God. He has faith in many other areas…but I guess in this one he doesn’t think the Lord will provide. Pretty said and down…but praying God will provide a way. All I ever wanted was to be a homemaker, wife and mom… and my career is so demanding.

  42. I currently work an avg of 35-40 hours /week at a part-time day job & 2 contract teaching jobs as an college adjunct. Once of my teaching jobs will be not be renewed in 2014. My husband wants me to seek full time employment. This is a conversation we have had over and over again. I have tried & applied to so many positions. I have applied for dozens of jobs, gone to many interviews, but not been able to gain full time employment. (we live in a small town of 30,000) On the same token, my husband still expects me to be home when the kids get out of school at 3pm, and take care of the home and chores. I am increasingly frustrated with his attitude towards me and am running ragged from job to job and taking care of him, the home and 2 elementary age kids and dog. I have an advanced degree & have not worked “full-time” in 10 years. My husband doesn’t seem to understand how challenging and frustrated this is for me. And I don’t feel appreciated for all the paid and unpaid work I am doing for our family. I just feel like we are not seeing things eye to eye or that he changes his mind about how much I need to work or what I should be earning. We both have hefty student loans and a mortgage. My current income “helps” us make ends meet but doesn’t help us pay down debt, which is what I think he desires with a full time job. My current employment has no benefits, no opportunities for advancement. I have already trimmed the budget down to the bare minimum. His response is to just “take over the budget” and tell me to go work full time. I am increasingly distraught about this and seeking a counselor for myself.

  43. I have struggled in this area. I home schooled our 3 children for 12 years and then, all of the sudden, my husband of 17 years turned from God, said he was leaving me if I did not obtain full time work immediately, and then demanded that I place my precious daughters in public education. They are 12, 9 and 5. I am still trying to cope, after having become a successful Realtor. My children are often left to their own devices. My eldest was recently;y caught online looking up lesbian practices and more. She had been home unsupervised. I’m really struggling!

  44. I just read numerous posts. Some shocked me to be posted on a Christian website ( It is a Christian website right?) Spells? – I am far from child bearing age these days but the “working/submitting ” conversation is focusing on Prov. 31 only – Putting all responsibility on the woman/wife to go on out and work because she has to submit. Perhaps it would be wise to seek what it says in scripture about the responsibilities of a man/husband. Is his failure your responsibility? If both of you feel working is working for you, then by all means do it. But, I’m seeing quite a bit of misery based the “enablement” of submission from the wife without the honor from the husband. Has it occurred to anyone that perhaps the waters are rough because God’s design for marriage is being neglected by both parties? Look at the root of the infection. More than that, look at what’s happening with our young people in the news. We have a very angry ” melennialist” generation. Ever wonder why?

I love hearing what is on your heart.

*