Last week, I shared the 1st video titled “The View” on the topic of submission. So today – here is our second video. We are answering a readers question.
A wife wrote in and said: “I have a 20 month old and my husband wants the house to be cleaner. I wish I had a typical husband because I’m starting to feel resentful.”
Here’s our view:
The ladies in the video from left to right are: me 
, Peak313.com, TimeWarpWife.com, GraceFullMama.com, and TheBetterMom.com
Be sure to visit these brilliant women during our 10 days adventure between November 7th-18th! I love these ladies and we know you will too.
10 days of Character Studies | Confessions of a Homeschooler
10 days of Christmas Countdown Ideas | Milk & Cookies
10 days of Creative Writing | Chocolate on My Cranium
10 days of Crockpot Meals | The Happy Housewife
10 Days to a Godly Marriage | Women Living Well
10 Days of Growing Leaders | Mom’s Mustard Seeds
10 Days of Homeschooling High School | Weird Unsocialized Homeschoolers
10 days of I Wish I Had Known | Fruit in Season
10 days of Keeping Your Marbles | The Tie That Binds Us
10 days of Kid-friendly Food | Planner Perfect
10 Days of Language Arts Lesson Planning | Jimmie’s Collage
10 Days of Learning Apps | Daze of Adventure
10 Days of a Mason Jar Christmas | Cajun Joie de Vivre
10 Days of More JESUS in Christmas | Preschoolers and Peace
10 Days to a Peaceful Home | Raising Arrows
10 Days of Raising a Life-Long-Learner | Bright Ideas Press
10 days of Science with Math | Blog, She Wrote
10 days of Teaching Values | Our Journey Westward
10 days of Winning your Child’s Heart | I Take Joy
Oh you have no idea how timely this was for me to hear! I have been doing a lot of complaining lately about cleaning and things always being messy, etc (we are in the midst of reno’s so always dusty, and then normal everyday living with a 5 and 3 yr old, plus a home daycare during the day)….a huge wake up call in this video for sure!
So I have enjoyed the Godly Perspective Panel…..These “view” video’s were so encouraging to me…now, a way to get you ladies together to film a series!!!! Grateful for all you do!
I enjoyed “The View!” Thankfully my husband does not complain, but it was still hard for me to have little people and have what felt like always a messy house! I can remember feeling like my kids would never grow, I felt like I would be picking up after them forever! That time really does pass, and now things are able to be cleaner for longer periods of time, but during the thick of it I really needed help. I started doing the FlyLady system, and that really helped me (If you are interested, just google it, she is free!). Doing make-ahead meals, keeping my pantry fully stocked, and trying to stay on top of laundry all really helped too!
Courtney, you said it all so well. I spent the first three years of my marriage waiting on something better to happen, looking at homemaking as a chore and an inconvenience. I did the bare minimum, many times even less. I was tricked by the “feminists” that made me feel like being a homemaker wasn’t good enough and my self-esteem was so low. It was only when I gave in and submitted to The Lord and to my role as a wife and mother that I learned what it means to joyfully serve. I now look at homemaking as a blessing, a specialty of mine that I do with great care and skill. I do things with a smile and I take pride in the end result and my capabilities. My role has taken on a new, beautiful meaning because I am working not only for myself and my family- but for God. Thank you for all that you do!
I so needed this. I have been there a while and often feel overwhelmed with all that needs to get gone. keeping up with the house, making sure my Special needs son gets his therapy, working with my 3 yr old on educational thing…This video was so encouraging… thanks.
Kim
Yes, I so enjoy seeing each mom’s unique perspectives. You need to get together again! I am so torn over this issue. I homeschool and take care of the business end of my husbands construction business. I went to school to be an art teacher. So I have this “need” to inspire my kids with all the cool things from God’s creation–which can be messy. I like them to explore and play and experience. My husband grew up with a mom who allowed one toy out at a time. He has OCD with a focus on neatness/organization. FYI “Organize” is like a four letter word to me! He likes only black hangers for his work clothes, white for his good clothes….very picky. I struggle to respect his wishes, and yet NOT stiffle the learning going on. We try to meet in the middle with bins like Ruth suggested. I would cringe if someone came over to hang up their coat in our front closet! Thanks for this timely advice.
Yall’s answers make me think of this Martin Luther quote: “What you do in your house is worth as much as if you did it up in heaven for our Lord God. We should accustom ourselves to think of our position and work as sacred and well-pleasing to God, not on account of the position and work, but on account of the word and faith from which the obedience and the work flow. “
I really feel for the Mom who wrote this request. It is so hard to maintain a clean home when you have little children to care for. I bought a few storage bins that we keep in different areas of our home so we can quickly put all the toys/books etc away. I am in the process of teaching our 22 month old to clean up and even sing a song to get her motivated and make it more fun.
My husband and I both like our house uncluttered, but I feel like the reality is that in the season of life that we are in, our house is just not going to be uncluttered. It certainly looks better than it has in the past, but it’s not perfect, nor will it ever be. My husband said to me a while back that he had given up on doing his part to maintain our home because it was such a disaster area. Ouch! I have really stepped up the organization since then and just feel so much more peaceful when our house is in order.
My toddler and I try to run around and clean up as much as we can, right before my husband comes home from work. That way he walks into a nice, clean, peaceful environment. (Full disclosure: This does not happen every day).
Perhaps this ladies husband can take the kids for a while on the weekends so she can do some cleaning? (I know, just how you want to spend your weekend, huh?) The first step might be going through everything and getting rid of things you don’t need/want. Then finding a home for everything you do want to keep. I’ve found that I can’t keep my desk clean if I don’t have a place to put everything on or in it. Oh, we also rotate our daughters toys so all 1000 aren’t out at one time. We just put them in a box or two in her closet and then change them out from time to time.
I often clean the kitchen (do the dishes, put away groceries, sweep/mop the floor, wipe down counters) while my toddler eats lunch and on the weekends, I can do some deeper cleaning.
One last thing. If you can take some time do a deep cleaning (like sinks/counters etc), it will only be that first time that is so hard to get everything clean. Then you can go into maintenance mode and KEEP things clean versus starting over at square one where you have an inch of dust on your counters (yes, I am speaking from experience!)
I’d love to hear a working wife on your “The View” segments. I strive to be a godly woman/wife and its hard to find a good role model for my particular situation. Certainly the elder women in my church can’t understand my position. (And yes, I’m working because its where I need to be for my family, not because I want to.)
Hey Brooke:) I work outside of the home, so I understand the different dynamic that it brings being a wife & mother. I used to get very discouraged and stressed out trying to figure out “my role” and keeping up with everything! And the majority of my friends are full-time homemakers, so it has always been hard to find encouragement in this area. However, I have realized over the years that the most important thing in avoiding discouragement and stress is to keep an ongoing, open line of communication with my husband regarding our expectations and desires. Just like Joy said in the video, it is SO vital to find out what is important to your husband….and to focus on doing those things first. For example, I know that doing laundry is one of my husband’s least favorite household chores…but emptying the dishwasher is not a big deal to him. So I make every effort to make sure to keep up with the laundry so that I can bless him in this way. Now, there are weeks where I work more hours than others (I’m a nurse)…and if I especially work two 13 hours shifts in a row, then the laundry is going to pile up. Sometimes I have to ask him to do a load, and this is where it is SOO important that we extend that grace and understanding to one another!! We both have to realize that we are in this together to make for a peaceful and functional home. And ultimately we need to remember who we are serving….”Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does, whether he is slave or free.”—Ephesians 6:7-8. I encourage you to not look at the people around you and compare. Have an open and honest conversation with your husband to find out what will work for your marriage specifically…..this will be different for each and every one of us! If you haven’t already read Courtney’s earlier post about this, I highly encourage you to do so (http://womenlivingwell.org/2011/11/day-1-my-marriage-looks-nothing-like-your-marriage/). I LOVE this post….it’s SO beautiful to see the uniqueness that each marriage brings!!
Blessings to you Brooke!
Just a hard, honest thought: A “typical husband” cheats on his wife. A typical husband” is addicted to pornography. I pray you NEVER have a typical husband!
The other thing is, is you are not “roommates”. Even if you were, there is an expectation to do “your part” in the house. If he is working, and you are staying home, his expectation apparently is that your “work” is the house as well as your (collectively) child(ren). But as a husband he gets to desire and even if in a demanding way, expect you to “manage your home”.
You can train your child to pick up after him/herself. It’s a great time to start! Have fewew toys. Children for thousands of years, and in many countries still around the world, have very little by way of toys. The best thing for children is interaction. Teach your children to work with you!
My husband isn’t a typical husband, he extends me GREAT amounts of grace and decided years ago not to “nag” ME about the messiness or dirtiness of the house. Guess how much that has helped me to keep up with the house?
ZERO!
Reading the question, listening to the answers, and now looking at my computer desk mounded with papers and junk, the floor that needs vacuuming, the bathrooms that need tending makes me realize, I should have humbled myself years ago, I should have welcomed my husband’s requests and DESIRES (he gets to be a person with real desires and disappointments) and recognized those things as LOVING me, instead of complaining that they were burdening me or making me feel like overwhelming expectations were being put on me.
I NEED someone to challenge me and keep me on my toes. Now my house overwhelms me even more! I have SEVEN children, six under 12yo still living at home. You can’t imagine the chaos in my house. And my husband usually says nothing. But reading this question reminds me, he still DESIRES that the houe be kept up. And it’s not fair to him for it not to be because I don’t want to be challenged. It’s my part of the bargain. What if he came home with only part of a paycheck?
God equips us – even when we don’t feel like it. I agreed with the practical answer of “What 2-3 things are most important” to him so you can keep those most important to you. If he says the whole house, then the whole house it is! Get rid of a lot of stuff that makes it hard for you to keep up with. Only cook 10 meals and just vary when you eat them. When you always have the same 10 things, it cuts down on groceries, the forgetting of groceries, the wondering what’s for dinner, and so forth!
I knew a lady whose husband expected her to teach their tone-deaf son how to sing!! I thought that was crazy and IMPOSSIBLE! But she prayed and relied on the Lord. That child would wake up with sleepwalking/night terrors. Her husband wanted her to take care of that too. She would sing to him and get him to sing in his sleep!! Eventually this made it’s way to his waking hours. I still think SHE is married to a demanding husband, but before God, he is STILL her “head”, her authority, and the one she has to follow, respect, and “obey”.
Know that God sees your distress, but allow him to direct you in stretching and challenging you beyond what you think you can do.
CFloyd – married 20 years with seven children
I guess I was a bit discouraged by this video. Isn’t it possible that her husband really is expecting too much of her in the cleaning department? My hubby travels a lot and stays in nice hotels, and this distorts his view of what clean should look like. (He came to this realization on his own, when we were having a discussion about clutter and cleanliness in our home.) I admitted that I struggle in this area, and probably always will, but we were able to discuss it and see each other’s perspective, which is helpful. I would hope that you could encourage women more to have respectful, loving discussions with their spouse on issues like these, rather than just accept what her husband says as 100% true. Yes, it is his opinion, and it has merit and value, but a wife also has hers, and perhaps rather than placing the burden all on her to work harder, he could step back and examine if his standards are really too high in light of their current stage in life, and they could “meet in the middle”.
I love this series and I love all of the women’s perspective but do feel there is something lacking in this answer. Perhaps it is because you all are addressing the woman’s side of the issue only. I had a hard time hearing, “I came to accept that being home there will never be any down time it’s always work.” To me this inferred that the woman writing in was complaining about having to work or work hard while at home. But, there is a chance I’m sensitive to this subject.
While, I agree that it is part of my job to upkeep our home and feel called to this I also know (because it’s in the bible, I think in Peter) that it is my husband’s call to live with me in an understanding way treating me as the weaker vessel. He likes the house clean and organized but also understands that when the kid (soon kids) are little I will just do the best I can and it will change in a different season. This means I need to be searching my heart deciding if I’m doing all I can to keep our home clean, our child fed, entertained, stimulated, etc.
Thanks again for making these videos and sharing your home and hearts so we can learn!
You both asked a very good question that I answered to another commenter below. Thanks for sharing your “view”
!
Courtney
This was a great video! Something I really needed to hear!!!
I have just returned to college and my husband is in the military so it seems our day to day life is already so stressful… the last thing I want to do is clean! He has mentioned house work to me before, but like the video said, I resented that he even mentioned it. I really need to change me perspective! Thank you for sharing!
http://allmytomorrows-funsize.blogspot.com/
I agree with Shannon about meeting in the middle. My husband and I both work, I am in charge of dinner unless I ask him to help out with it, but as for cleaning my way of communicating with him is with a little jokes like this weekend I said alright family I just cleaned this whole house nothing gets dirty until Wednesday, including you Mister and looked at him and he laughed but we are all pitching in to see if we can really keep the house clean until wednesday.
Thanks for this video Courtney. It is very encouraging. Cheryl I loved your comment and especially when you mentioned our husbands coming home with half a paycheck. It makes me appreciate that my husband voices his opinion and he does help me out so much. This really puts things into PERSPECTIVE, which is soo important when we have little children.
I agree that it is difficult to tell from the question whether the husband is expecting too much or the wife is giving too little. When my first was that age, I had a hard time being a “homemaker” and it took me years to learn and grow in that roll. At the time, I would have told you I was doing everything I could, but looking back, I really wasn’t. My two pieces of advice would be:
1. Get a routine! Some people do fly lady, others totally together, or make your own! I use the home routines app on my phone and created my own routine/schedule. It really keeps me on track.
2. Remember there are two purposes to marriage: 1. Help your spouse get to heaven. 2. Raise Godly children. Cleaning the house in itself is NOT a function of marriage. Keeping the house clean as a sign of being Christ’s love to your husband, or to keep enough order so you can focus on your relationship with each other and God, or training your child to keep things neat – these are good. Striving for perfection at the expense of your relationship with God, your spouse, or your child is bad.
Thankfully, my husband does not expect to come home to a clean home. It’s more of what I want! But I do it for him and for our family. I have 2 little ones and it is a hard job to do everything, but I try to spend an hour in the afternoon cleaning things up and I try to do one area a week. It’s never ending! But yes, we do it for the glory of God. Also, I would watch this “The View” any day! You girls are so godly and I love each of your blogs. Thanks for sharing with us.
Very timely post for me. I thought I was the only one and my husband was just being hard on me. I am a recovering “good girl” (in the Emily P. Freeman sense) and felt like it meant I was lacking. I can’t do it all! I am more of a Mary instead of a Martha. I am trying harder (just not today cause I am sick) but tomorrow is another day and I will trying to get in better shape.
WOW!!! I have been reading this verse everyday for the last 2 weeks “and whatsoever ye do, do it heartily as unto the Lord, and not unto men. Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance , for ye serve the Lord Christ’. Col 3:23-24.
So today God totally put me to the test! Yesterday my hubby did something that hurt me. He knew I was mad about it but said nothing. Today at lunch, he sat down with the kids and started playing with the baby in is high chair. I served the older kids and he just sat there, expecting me to serve him. Did he not know that I was mad at him? Was he seriously expecting me to serve him after he hurt me??? As I am grudgingly serving him, the Holy Spirit brought this verse to my mind. BAM! Yes, tears filled my eyes as I put the food on his plate…. and yes, I did change my attitude.
Can I ask….what’s wrong with saying “you know hunny, I respect you’re wishes for a cleaner house however thare are only 24 hours in a day. I can’t pour into our child(ren), you, spend time with the Lord and keep the house looking like a museum. It would really be a helpful if you would pick your own socks up off the floor and put them in the hamper.”
I mean if I go to the shed looking for Christmas decorations and I pile boxes on the tool bench it would make more work for him later. It would be wrong of me to just leave them there and expect him to take care of it. Is it then wrong for him to lay socks (insert whatever object here) around and expect me to clean it up?
I’m not trying to be combattive, I truly am asking b/c I find it hard to find the line between naging and asking. Courtney said it in the video, we all have areas that we can’t see. I think that applied to our hubs too. I used to nag and b*tch all the time about what HE left laying around but now I feel like I’ve gone the oposite way and I never say anything even though there are things that he does that make my job harder. Does that make sense or am I rambling?
Blessings!
Danielle – it is possible that the husband is requiring too much and a deeper discussion needs to be had about the issue. It sounded to me that the discussion had already taken place and she was at a stalemate and as a result wrote this email to us.
I know that our answer is counter cultural which is why we are saying it. Turn on any talk show and the advice you gave above will be the answer…but Christ calls us to die to our fleshly desires for his glory. Luke 9:23 says “If any man will come after me he must deny himself, take up his cross daily and follow me.” There is a dying to self that must happen as a follower of Christ and in this dying and humility we find joy in the Lord.
If the man is a wretched abuser demanding harshly a cleaner home – then she needs outside help from a pastor or counsellor – but if this is a good willed husband making an honest request because this is important to him – then a good willed wife will listen and acknowledge humbly her blind spots.
Her husband needs to be patient with her as a homemaker who is learning and growing but vice versa – she can embrace this role to the glory of God by maturing in this area. Reading good organizational books, asking friends for tips and being diligent are all things she can do! She can do better for her husband! To argue and not be willing to try will most likely lead to strife in their marriage for a very long time.
I have four toilet bowls to clean every week so I know that cleaning is not an easy task. I homeschool, write on 2 blogs and my husband does not help with housework. I can choose to fight with my husband or to clean to the glory of God with joy and move on.
I have chosen the latter and have reaped great blessings from it – so that is where my “view” is coming from – my life experience.
I started off this series with this post – please read it: http://womenlivingwell.org/2011/11/day-1-my-marriage-looks-nothing-like-your-marriage/
I do not think that every marriage should look like mine practically speaking – we all have different husbands with different needs and are in different situations and walks of life BUT we must all abide by the same Biblical principles:
We must all respect our husbands. (Ephesians 5:33)
We must all submit to our husbands. (Ephesians 5:22, 24)
We must all be a helpmate to our husbands. (Genesis 2:18)
This was a great question and I thank you for asking it – it is definately not easy to resolve these things in marriage…marriage is a lot of hard work and takes a lot of selflessness to make it last “till death do us part.”
Walk with the King!
Courtney
Whoa… okay, so here comes a “view” from a man’s perspective. Without getting into too much detail, when I was living at home with my wife (am now separated), I would help out alot with the housework. Unfortunately, my wife then grew accustomed to me initiating doing the laundry, vacuuming, etc., and got lazy. Yet I still think that the more the husband complains to his spouse, the more he should be willing to help with some of the mess! Unless the husband is working to the bone to provide for his family, he should be able to help with a few things, don’t you think?
I just read your last post, Courtney, and it really hit me… as I said, I am separated from my wife as I type, and as much as I have issues I need God’s direct help and change with, my wife did not even remotely follow the three Biblical principles you stated:
We must all respect our husbands. (Ephesians 5:33)
We must all submit to our husbands. (Ephesians 5:22, 24)
We must all be a helpmate to our husbands. (Genesis 2:18)
She always said I had to earn her respect, and submission to her was an ugly word, even when I tried to explain how the Bible was demanding even more from the husband!
Anyhow, talk about getting off topic. Why is it that the Christian woman of the blogosphere have such profound wisdom and such God-centred thinking? Praise God for godly wifes!
Benjamin,
I think many women feel or have been taught that submission is an ugly, 4-letter word. I struggled with that myself and still do from time to time. Same thing with earning respect. It’s sad but many of us grew up that way
I think helping around the house can be an act of love from the husband to the wife. Sure it’s not glitzy and glam or overly romantic but I venture to say a woman with several children who homeschools would love to see the sink cleaned one morning or a load of laundry done.
I am sorry that you are seprated but bravo for seeing that helping with housework doesn’t make you unmanly.
Thanks Courtney. I realized too that I feel additonal pressure because I want to be a SAHM however at this time I am working fulltime. So from my perspective a little help seems fair. I long to be at home to cook, clean, manage our home and raise our son.
I am on a learning journey and I appreciate your wisdom as I go!
Blessings