Oh friends – I BLUSHED hitting the publish button to this post (this one is not for your little readers so send them away lol!)! Writing on this topic is not my calling! But thankfully this is Sheila Wray Gregoire’s calling lol! Sheila is the author of Zondervan’s newly released book – “The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.” and today she’s sharing with us how to heat up our marriages! This is written for the wife who is struggling in this area.
Making love is supposed to be a beautiful part of marriage. We’re supposed to feel intimate, and cherished, and amazing, all at the same time!
Unfortunately, too often sex becomes something where women feel put upon, obligated, and guilty. It was supposed to be something beautiful; but it turns into something stressful—and something we’d rather just avoid.
I understand. I really do. For the first few years of my marriage, sex just wasn’t fun. It didn’t feel very good, and my husband seemed always to be ticked at me that I didn’t want it more. I was a disappointment, both to him and myself. I figured sex was a big lie, something like The Emperor’s New Clothes. Obviously it was a rip off for women, but we were all so brainwashed that no one would admit it. Maybe your outlook on sex isn’t quite that bleak, but you still think it’s highly overrated. Chocolate is good, too, and chocolate isn’t nearly as demanding.
If making love, to you, seems like a hassle rather than something good, there’s a problem in your marriage. When I look back on those early years, what makes me sad is that I spent a long time believing what were basically lies. And I’m worried that many Christian women are letting themselves believe lies, too.
Usually we’re quick to counteract lies. If your daughter tells you that she feels like she’s not worth anything, what do you say? “God loves you so much. You were bought at a price.” Or if your son says, “I didn’t make the basketball team. I’ll never be good at anything,” you turn to him and say, “God made you just the way you are. He has such amazing plans for you!” We tell our kids the truth to combat the lies they’re believing.
When it comes to sex, though, we often choose the lies. Do you recognize these?
1. Sex will never feel good
It could very well be true that for you, up until now, sex hasn’t felt that good. Maybe you and your husband have never really figured out how to get you aroused (women do take a long time!). Maybe you’ve experienced some pain.
But that doesn’t mean that it will never feel good. In fact, when I conducted my surveys for “The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex”, I found that the years of marriage when women enjoyed sex the most were not the honeymoon phase at all, but instead years 16-20. We get better with time.
And you can get better, for one simple reason: you were made with the cl*t*ris, the little bit of anatomy that has no purpose in the female body except to feel good. Men don’t have anything like that (all their sexual organs fulfill other purposes, too). So combat this lie with this truth:
I was created for pleasure.
2. Sex is ugly
Maybe you were abused when you were younger. Maybe you’re just overwhelmed by the pornographic culture we live in which makes sex seem so base. Maybe your marriage is still reeling from your husband’s porn use. Sex does not seem beautiful at all.
But God made it to be beautiful. When He finished creating Adam and Eve, he called them together “very good”. And He devoted a whole book of the Bible to celebrate physical love. He even uses the husband-wife analogy to describe how Christ feels about us, His church. God doesn’t ignore sex and treat it as an afterthought; He celebrates it because He actually likes it.
God made sex to be beautiful.
3. Sex is gross
We women like things orderly, neat, and in control. Making love isn’t like that. For it to work, we need to let ourselves be vulnerable and a little out of control. And the act itself is kind of messy.
So it’s easy to think that while love and affection are good, sex is lower on the totem pole. But God made it to be beautiful, and He made it just the way it is to help us bind together not just physically, but also spiritually and emotionally as well.
Making love connects us in a profound way.
If we started believing the truth about making love, we wouldn’t see it as something we “have to do for him” anymore. We’d see it as a beautiful part of our relationship.
You may not know how you’re going to actually experience a great intimate life yet. That’s okay. You’re just taking the first step. But you’ll never get to where you want to be until you get in line with the truth about how God made us.
For many of us it’s a matter of faith. We don’t see how it’s possible. But if you believe in God’s goodness, then you can also choose to believe that sex itself is good. Can you do that in faith? Choose God’s view, and then ask God to start making that a reality in your life.
Thank you Sheila for joining us!
Walk with the King!