3 Lies Women Believe About Making Love

Oh friends – I BLUSHED hitting the publish button to this post (this one is not for your little readers so send them away lol!)!  Writing on this topic is not my calling!  But thankfully this is Sheila Wray Gregoire’s calling lol!  Sheila is the author of Zondervan’s newly released book – “The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.”  and today she’s sharing with us how to heat up our marriages!  This is written for the wife who is struggling in this area.

Sheila writes:

Making love is supposed to be a beautiful part of marriage. We’re supposed to feel intimate, and cherished, and amazing, all at the same time!

 Unfortunately, too often sex becomes something where women feel put upon, obligated, and guilty. It was supposed to be something beautiful; but it turns into something stressful—and something we’d rather just avoid.

I understand. I really do. For the first few years of my marriage, sex just wasn’t fun. It didn’t feel very good, and my husband seemed always to be ticked at me that I didn’t want it more. I was a disappointment, both to him and myself. I figured sex was a big lie, something like The Emperor’s New Clothes. Obviously it was a rip off for women, but we were all so brainwashed that no one would admit it.  Maybe your outlook on sex isn’t quite that bleak, but you still think it’s highly overrated. Chocolate is good, too, and chocolate isn’t nearly as demanding.

If making love, to you, seems like a hassle rather than something good, there’s a problem in your marriage. When I look back on those early years, what makes me sad is that I spent a long time believing what were basically lies. And I’m worried that many Christian women are letting themselves believe lies, too.

Usually we’re quick to counteract lies. If your daughter tells you that she feels like she’s not worth anything, what do you say? “God loves you so much. You were bought at a price.” Or if your son says, “I didn’t make the basketball team. I’ll never be good at anything,” you turn to him and say, “God made you just the way you are. He has such amazing plans for you!” We tell our kids the truth to combat the lies they’re believing.

 When it comes to sex, though, we often choose the lies. Do you recognize these?

1.     Sex will never feel good

 It could very well be true that for you, up until now, sex hasn’t felt that good. Maybe you and your husband have never really figured out how to get you aroused (women do take a long time!). Maybe you’ve experienced some pain.

But that doesn’t mean that it will never feel good. In fact, when I conducted my surveys for “The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex”, I found that the years of marriage when women enjoyed sex the most were not the honeymoon phase at all, but instead years 16-20. We get better with time.

 And you can get better, for one simple reason: you were made with the cl*t*ris, the little bit of anatomy that has no purpose in the female body except to feel good. Men don’t have anything like that (all their sexual organs fulfill other purposes, too). So combat this lie with this truth:

I was created for pleasure.

2.     Sex is ugly

 Maybe you were abused when you were younger. Maybe you’re just overwhelmed by the pornographic culture we live in which makes sex seem so base. Maybe your marriage is still reeling from your husband’s porn use. Sex does not seem beautiful at all.

But God made it to be beautiful. When He finished creating Adam and Eve, he called them together “very good”. And He devoted a whole book of the Bible to celebrate physical love. He even uses the husband-wife analogy to describe how Christ feels about us, His church. God doesn’t ignore sex and treat it as an afterthought; He celebrates it because He actually likes it.

God made sex to be beautiful.

3.     Sex is gross

We women like things orderly, neat, and in control. Making love isn’t like that. For it to work, we need to let ourselves be vulnerable and a little out of control. And the act itself is kind of messy.

So it’s easy to think that while love and affection are good, sex is lower on the totem pole. But God made it to be beautiful, and He made it just the way it is to help us bind together not just physically, but also spiritually and emotionally as well.

Making love connects us in a profound way.

If we started believing the truth about making love, we wouldn’t see it as something we “have to do for him” anymore. We’d see it as a beautiful part of our relationship.

You may not know how you’re going to actually experience a great intimate life yet. That’s okay. You’re just taking the first step. But you’ll never get to where you want to be until you get in line with the truth about how God made us.

For many of us it’s a matter of faith. We don’t see how it’s possible. But if you believe in God’s goodness, then you can also choose to believe that sex itself is good. Can you do that in faith? Choose God’s view, and then ask God to start making that a reality in your life.

If you want to move forward and experience sex as something positive, join Sheila over at To Love, Honor and Vacuum or purchase her new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex*.

Thank you Sheila for joining us!

Walk with the King!

Courtney

*Affiliate Link

Comments

  1. says

    Courtney & Sheila, I just want to commend you on an excellent post! This may be TMI … but I can SO relate to this topic of not viewing s*x positively. I wish I had this information prior to marriage, but God has been so good and provided me some wonderful Christian women early on in my marriage that were able to help me see s*x as the beautiful gift God intended. I am SO HAPPY to see you providing information like this so more women and marriages can flourish as God intends. Blessings to you both with much appreciation, Kelly

  2. KimS says

    Oh, Courtney & Sheila!! What a wonderful post! DH & I are “MCing” an Art of Marriage weekend, starting this Friday, and I will definitely be mentioning Sheila’s book after the session on s*x. We have 41 couples attending, and 2 of those couples are friends. They have shared their frustrations (who knows HOW we got on the subject, lol) and I am SO praying for that area of their lives to turn into an area of joy. Thank you!

  3. says

    Oh, thank you. Four babies in five years has left me a bit tired and a bit damaged physically, meaning that this particular aspect of marriage is something we’ve let go. My husband is incredibly patient, understanding, affectionate, and loving to me, despite my mental roadblocks. Have I mentioned that we also live with his parents? Yeah. I know it’s important, and I want to get back to a place of wanting this more, so thank you for writing on such a delicate matter, in such a tasteful way.

    • Sara p says

      I too, have alot of physical issues from the birth of my first child. It has been very stressful. I am also lucky to have a patient and understanding husband. But there is so little help out there, and I dont have any girlfriends who have the same issues. It has been something that I just try not to think about. Other articles and shows on ” spicing things up” always suggest “just do it” and the feelings will follow. Well in my case, that doesnt happen and just makes me feel more guilty.
      I do like the suggestions here of having fun. I do need to just get out and play. My husband travels alot so it is hard to carve out time together. I know I need to get out of my mommy role and remember I am a woman too! Thanks for reminding us!

      • Carrie Smart says

        I empathize with you. I have physical issues after having kids and a hysterectomy. I am also on antidepressant medication, which greatly effects my interest, desire, and ability to “feel it”. I’m trying not to feel guilty or inadequate anymore, but I know my husband isn’t as fulfilled as he could be because he knows it’s such a struggle for me. He is so patient and understanding. I wish I could feel more and respond more to him for both of our sakes.

    • says

      I can relate to the living with parents part! It has incredible awkward, mood-killing potential! We lived with with our new baby, at my husband’s parents for over a year, in their upstairs living room area with a make-shift door (bookcase + shower curtain!). Awesome, right? There were many tears involved. What a happy day when we moved into our own place! I know this comment is nearly a year later, but you are in my prayers tonight!! :)

  4. Valerie says

    I recently (the beginning of the year) found Sheila’s blog from another blog and I was so excited to see her post! Thanks :)

  5. Rachel says

    There are some medical reasons that s*x can be painful. It’s important to talk to your doctor if you are in pain. While it can just be that you need more time for ar**sal, it can also be more complicated. This is fairly rare I think (not trying to scare anyone!), but that makes it all the more important to talk about because I would hate for a woman to think that it’s her mind or her fault.

    • Betty says

      Good advice. Too, diet is a big part of natural desire. I would advice researching the
      needed nutrients that play the biggest role in libido.

  6. Jeannette says

    Great post! And I hear ya about the search engines. I was looking up potty training for my toddler and NOTHING was coming up. Turns out all the sites were blocked because I still had my safe search on.

  7. Jean says

    Great post. Wish I had had this when we first got married. This has been a real issue in our lives.
    Thanks for taking the time to write this post and I so look forward to the book. This is a topic that isn’t covered enough in the Christian circles for women. Thanks again.

  8. says

    I wanted to encourage readers who struggle in this area: Freedom is possible and worth it! The enemy wants us to be trapped in bondage but God wants to set us free in all areas of life to experience the abundant life Jesus died to give us. Our intimate lives with our husbands is part of an abundant marriage. I will say a prayer for all who are reading today. Blessings!

    Megan

  9. Anonymous says

    These articles always leave me so sad. We had great sex the first years of marriage. But then the babies came and physically damaged me. My husband’s neurological illness caused ED so we are only “successful” a small percent of the time. I get discouraged because things beyond our control have come into our sex life forever, and it’s NOT just a matter of changing my views on sex. It also doesn’t help that we are trying to avoid another pregnancy but can’t use barrier or hormonal types of birth control. That leaves us maybe 8 days a month to try having sex.

    I’d love to see an article that addresses how to have a fulfilling sex life when your bodies are damaged and don’t work so well but the interest is still there.

    • says

      You raise some very deeply personal and painful realities in your life, so kudos for your honesty. Try to remember that although you view your body as “damaged” God still knows your heart and if you are willing to let Him guide you, there is still hope in experiencing pleasurable times with your husband. Try not to think about **tercourse as the only “acceptable” way to give and receive pleasure. If you find other avenues of physical touch enjoyable then you won’t feel as disconnected as you might think.

      • Anonymous says

        My struggle is that those other “methods” leave me feeling very empty inside…I don’t find them unifying. They create this emotional barrier between us because I don’t like it. My husband doesn’t mind being on the receiving end of alternative methods, so he’s okay with it. I’d just rather he not touch me at all, honestly, if I can’t have “the real thing.”

  10. says

    So many women need this information! I know the subject feels “risk-ay,” but s*x is meant to be beautiful, and too many Christian women are missing out what God intended s*xual intimacy to be like.

  11. Anonymous says

    I love this article too! It’s a subject Christian woman do. Not talk about enough! I found it silly to not spell out the words: sex, aroused etc. This just shows how intimidated we are to talk about the beautiful thin God created to bring husband and wife together physically, spiritually and emotionally! There is nothin like it! What a gift!! With that said, I would love to see more about the subject when there has been infidelity. My mind issues aren’t so much due to physical pain or damage, but it’s a mind issue of lack of trust, a fear of being vulnerable when it has been stomped on and hurt in the past. What comes to mind is needing healing both physically and mentally to defeat the lies that have separated us as husbands and wives! Please share your wisdom here, I welcome it.

    • says

      Anonymous – Under my signature I explained why I used the asterisks – there’s no underlying reason except that my entire blog could end up permanently blocked for readers with filters because of this one post…so that’s my only reason for the **** :)

      As far as infidelity – I’m so sorry you face this :( I have one post where I touched on it here – and it’s loaded with resources for you – I hope it has something there that could help: http://womenlivingwell.org/2011/04/11-resources-for-wives-whose-husbands/

      Courtney

    • Carolyn Masterson says

      I think Courtney put asterisks in in order to keep the content from getting blocked by Christian filters so we can all read it.

    • J says

      I too have suffered thru infidelity. I’ve found a website that helped lead me to the truth and lead me away from feeling vaunerable. Rejoicemarriageministries.com and/or charlynecares.org.

      My husband & I are currently “separated” (his wishes, NOT mine) and during this time, he’s been unfaithful. The way I get thru horrible horrible hurtful thoughts of my husband with another person is Scripture. I think & recite Philipians 4:8–Finally brethern, whatsoevery things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on those things.

      These things have helped me “trust” the Lord instead of “relying” on my decieved husband. Plus, in my case, it helps to thank God in those hesitant moments, because I am so thankful my husband still desires me & God has blessed us to be able to be together again.

      That being said, if I’m being honest, there are times that I’ve wondered if he’s thinking of someone else or maybe even if I can “compete” with the other woman. That’s something no wife is meant to go thru. So, thats when I think on the lovely things etc. which includes God’s blessing to me of my one-flesh husband.

      Prayers for you, Sister. It isn’t easy.

  12. says

    Thanks for your realness! Although after over 20 years, my husband & I have a great marriage, reading this such as this refreshes the heart, mind, body and spirit!

    • Kristen says

      Ahh! Thank you for saying this, I just posted about my issue about craving intimacy more so than my husband! And yes, it does lead to feelings of inadequacy and hurt, so I can imagine what the husbands of so many must feel when their advances are put off by their wives.

      • Deb says

        I love when posts speak to issues we are going through but think we are alone! I too am reading this blog and thinking “is there something wrong with me”? I’m the guy in this picture..lol. I have discovered a lot of things about myself since turning 40 (now 48) and one of them is my love language is definitely physical. All the others are nice and all but somehow never quite make up for the physical part that I seem to need to feel complete. We are having issues in this area for quite some time and I still haven’t figured out how to deal with them or a tactful way to discuss them. Finally decided a couple of weeks ago to just start praying for peace.

  13. says

    This is such an inspiring and encouraging post. I’ve been married for thirteen years and throughout that time, this has always been a struggle for us. Sometimes, getting the spiritual, mental and physical to align is not the easiest thing. Actually, I believe it’s one of the hardest, especially when you add abuse, fornication, shame and guilt. I know there are books and articles out there for this topic, but most of the time the solution is to just get over it and please your husband. It’s your job. It’s your duty. That’s not true. God has given s*x for the beautiful union of bodies, the union of spirits and the picture of Christ and the church. But, reading that, injesting that and getting a true revelation of that is something that I am just now beginning to see.

    I do believe this topic needs to be addressed, but honestly, it needs to be addressed with women who have had the same issues. I personally don’t want advise from a woman who has no issue with physical contact because she can’t understand what I’m going through for my husband to touch me and my skin to crawl. Ya know. It’s more than a head thing. It’s more than a heart issue. It’s mind, body, soul and spirit.

    However, I’m not saying Sheila(or you Courtney) doesn’t understand! I am taking and meditating on all that this post says and I am saving my pennies now for this book.lol And I saw someone mention her blog, I want to find that and read more of her writing.

    Thank you, Sheila and Courtney for touching on such a sensitive subject, but one that truly needs illumination for women who suffer through shame and guilt and uncertainty.

    Another good book–which I just received because Courtney had recommended it–Intimate Issues. I am only into the second chapter, but man! What I am gleaning from that is amazing.

  14. Kristen says

    Well you know they say one partner craves lovemaking more than the other, only problem is that it’s me and not my husband! I very rarely see anything on that topic. It’s not like we don’t have s*x often, I just seem to be willing and wanting every day (and this is after 3 kids in 4 years); and my husband is a police officer who is just plain exhausted after his shifts (3-12.5 hr days plus about 2 hrs commute roundtrip). Maybe I’m still just in the honeymoon stage after 5 years. :)

    • Laura Barrett says

      I am a police Captains wife :). One thing I can say, I find my hubby comes home emotionally tired after his shifts, same situation as yours. He doesn’t desire physical intimacy with me because he is worn because of all the ugly “stuff” he has to deal with. We’ve found if we can start with non sexual intimacy ( back rub etc) it opens the door for him to decompress, and talk if he needs to, then sexual intimacy can occur. If you would liked to talk more about the special challenges faced by LEO wife’s, I’d love to talk more , but don’t want to violate the commenting rules. If this is allowed, here is my email. If not allowed please delete. Laura.olymoco&gmail.com

  15. says

    Thank you for this post:) Fortunately for me, my husband and I have a very strong and happy love life. Although, I have a couple of friends who frequently come to me about problems that they’re experiencing in their marriages, dealing with this topic. This article may help:) I must say though, that what you said on Rachel Ray, Courtney, has helped me… you’re such an inspiration in so many ways and I appreiciate you!

  16. says

    Oh, Courtney..bless you! I wish more influential Christian women would have the courage to share and speak up on this subject. I struggled through the first 9 years of our marriage in this one area. I wasn’t saved until after I married, and I had a messed up view of s*x because of my teenage years, and things I experienced even as a young wife. I didn’t begin to heal and see it for what God meant it to be, until I read Intimate Issues a few years ago. I think of how much sooner I could have begun to heal if other women in my church would have been willing to speak up on such issues. We need to view it as God does, and if He’s not ashamed of it, than why should we be?! We have let the world influence our thinking again, and it’s hurting our Christian women! :(

    I speak out now about these issues in mom’s meetings, and wherever I can. I’m not hiding anymore. If I can help just one woman, or stregnthen one marriage, it’s all worth it! Thank you for the post, and let’s continue to be part of the solution!!!!

  17. Janice says

    I too have been thru infidelity. Not long after it surfaced, my husband hit rock bottom due to the
    consequences, and alcohol etc. Praise the Lord he was saved & did a complete turn around. Unfortunately, due to the devastation that I felt I fell into the same trap & was unfaithful.
    I was saved as a teen but had gotten far away from God. A couple years later, I re-dedicated my life to the Lord and He restored our relationship. That has been about 13 yrs ago and we are better than we ever were. I just wanted to share this to help someone who may have gone thru the same thing.
    God can heal relationships after infidelity if you let him have complete control of your lives.

    Blessings,
    Janice

  18. says

    Sounds like a wonderful resource for women who are struggling in the bedroom. Bravo to you for posting about something the church seems to want to ignore, yet God found to be so important He has a whole book of the Bible devoted to it!

    Another great book on the subject is Real Marriage by Mark and Grace Driscoll, I’m reading it now and it is awesome! Driscoll also did a great sermon series a few years back called The Peasant Princess- http://marshill.com/media/the-peasant-princess. My husband and I watched all of the sermons together, confessed, repented and changed our Marriage Bed for the better! I can’t say enough good things about it!

  19. says

    Hi everybody! Thanks to so many of you for clicking through to my blog and reading 29 Days to Great S*x!

    I just wanted to say to some of the women who have noted that their big problem is that their husbands aren’t interested: you are not alone! In the surveys I took for my book, about 25% of marriages share your frustration. And I know it’s especially difficult because other women take the attitude “I wish he would just give me a break for a while!”, and talk as if you actually have it good.

    I did write a post for women like you right here: http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2011/09/posts-3/, and it’s also addressed in my upcoming book, too. I hope that helps, because I know it can feel very lonely walking through a marriage where you feel as if your husband doesn’t really desire you.

  20. meggin says

    Thank you! A much needed post for Christian woman. I look forward to checking out this book another winning book on this topic “Love your Husband love yourself” By Jennifer Flanders

  21. Teresa says

    This is awesome! The church needs to address sex and all issues concerning it way more. This is not something we should leave up to the world. We need to talk about it and get rid of the shame that seems to surround this topic. I believe that we could help so many people if we could do this and i am excited to read this book.

  22. says

    This is a great post. I actually read it yesterday (and don’t think I commented!) but I’ve been thinking back over it in my mind all day, so I returned to thank you.

    Honestly, sometimes I’m just so darn tired. My son has Type 1 Diabetes and we’re up every single night checking on him. But…I still need to make sure that I find the energy to take care of my husband. And I know that if I pray about this, God will help me. I just haven’t made it a priority. But I need to. Thank you so much for the reminder. : )

  23. Sophia says

    Thank you for writing on this topic! And thank you, Courtney, for being sensitive about those of us with filters!

    I just wanted to comment on something regarding s*x that the Lord has recently put on my heart. We need to remember that we are God’s gift to our husbands and that we can be, and are, one of the greatest protections for our husbands. I know that this can be very complicated and there are a lot of factors that go into pleasing our husbands and having a good love life, but I think that it’s so important to remember. I want to protect my husband and show him that I am ready and willing to help him in the area of his s*xual needs and desires!

    God made men so different, and that’s not bad because God made them that way! However, while I may never understand my husband, I was designed by God and given to my husband to be his helper, and that includes the area of intimacy. My husband has a grave responsibility before the Lord to protect his eyes and to keep his mind pure. But I feel a grave responsibility to love my husband by putting his needs and desires first. I want to give him memories and times with me to think about.

    I know this is not an easy topic and that many struggle in this area for a myriad of reasons, but I wanted to encourage women to remember that we can help protect our husbands. And what a special calling that is!

  24. says

    EXCELLENTE`!! My fave quote: Chocolate is good, too, and chocolate isn’t nearly as demanding. – HA!

    This is truly a great post. I love the logic and reasoning about what we instist on combating: low self esteem, etc… in our children, but we dont’ take care to have such vigilence over this ULTRA important area of s*x and the lies WE believe! I wanted to say… important area of s*x with our husbands… but I didn’t because as the author stated, s*x isn’t just our obligation for our men, we have an actual anatomical part that is ONLY for pleasure pruduced during intimacy. Made me blush! But I receive these truths. GREAT JOB, COURTNEY for facilitating this topic!

  25. Kathy says

    Great post!! I checked out Shelia’s site and I’m going to follow it. Very good advice and I’d like to add….communicate! It is so very important to open up and talk about sex with your husband….out of the bedroom.

  26. Leslie says

    I love that you posted this. Three years ago I attended a conference with speakers Kay Arthur, Beth Moore, and Priscilla Shirer, and when Priscilla talked, she mentioned the “pretending to sleep lying completely still” method to keep her husband from wanting to be intimate. The entire arena erupted with applause from women agreeing with her, and I sat there by myself looking shocked and saying to myself “What is wrong with all of you?????”

    Nine times out of ten, I am the one asking my husband if we get to make love on any given night because I love being with him in that way! I’m sure there are others who will look at me and say the same thing (“What is wrong with you?”) but I don’t care. I’m glad God gave us husbands to be intimate with! I won’t ever take it for granted!

  27. says

    We are very blessed. It is a part of marriage that is cherished and valued. We are very thankful for a mother/MIL that was caring enough to give us the book “The Act of marriage” that talks of the physical aspects of s*x, that make sure that it is fulfilling for both sides of the marriage. Yes, you may work it out for yourselves, but understanding it from the beginning is a huge bonus.
    The lack of physical intimacy, and the not understanding of it’s beauty and importance, is a major cause of problems in Christian marriages. Thank you for addressing it.

  28. says

    I totally get what you are talking about. When we first got married, we were great. After having kids…ehhh…not so much. But the past year or so I got my “groove back.” God has showed me that He is not prude, but Christians are.

    The world has dirtied the white sheets of love making. I noticed sometimes I would feel ungodly afterwards. I would never read my Bible after having “relations” with my hubby. Why?!! God is the one who created it.

    I am currently doing a Couples Love Challenge on my blog. There are weekly themes along with a daily task each day. Next week we’re onto kissing and the week after tackles s*x.

    Feel free to join us!
    http://passionateandcreativehomemaking.blogspot.com/search/label/Feb%202012%20Couples%20Love%20Challenge

  29. Marilyn says

    Thanks so much for sharing this marvelous resource with your readers, Courtney. So many Christian resources do a marvelous job of explaining how important it is that a wife be responsive to her husband. But how much better it is to also help wives understand female sexuality and give voice to their own preferences. Kudos to Sheila for writing this book. Kudos to you, Courtney, for helping to get the word out.

  30. Michelle says

    I think I may be one of the few women in the world who does not have this problem at all. The roles are actually swapped in my relationship. I am more like a 14 year old boy as far as hormones go and my husband is the opposite lol. We’ve come a long way and are continuing to work it.

  31. Amy says

    I was raised in the Deep South where talking about sex is still very taboo. I was raised with statements such as “sex is for procreation not recreation” and “men have different NEEDS than women, so women just have to grin & bear it” and “good girls don’t enjoy sex.” It was many years into my marriage before I stopped asking God for forgiveness after everytime.

    More Christians (men & women) need to hear the truths spoken about what God intended for sex to be. Maybe we need a book for men “The Good Guys Guide to Great Sex”

  32. Stefanie says

    While I think every marriage has its issues, I think most sex issues can be resolved by open and honest communication. I am still shocked to hear that many men do not know how to give a woman pleasure, they think sex is just about penetration. I am thankful my husband was educated on these things before we got married and that he tries hard to find things that please me in the bedroom. Women trying to be martyrs and ignoring their need for pleasure is good for no one.

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