Revive Your S*x Life – Week 5


Photo credit: Time Warp Wife

 

 We began the Revive our Marriage series with prayer, then we worked on our attitude, our shoulder-to-shoulder friendship, and our appreciation.  Now it’s time to give our husbands some lovin’ {*wink} if you know what I mean :) !

(**I apologize in advance but I will be using an ‘*’ when I write the word s*x because I’ve been told that my blog gets blocked by Christian filters when I don’t use it.  If you leave a comment with this word – could you use an asterick too?  Thank you!!!)

 

 A friend wrote on her facebook wall this week that she’s been trying to be a Proverbs 31 woman for her husband and all this time he was hoping she’d be a Song of Songs woman! lol!  If you are familiar with the Song of Solomon then you know that there is an ENTIRE book of the Bible written on the physical and emotional love of King Solomon and his wife.  It’s a {hot} read!

God created s*x as a pure expression of love between a man and his wife and the world has twisted and perverted it.

As John Piper says:

“The world should not have its nose or its cameras in our bedroom.  S*x is not a spectator sport – in spite of the billion-dollar industry designed to make it one…it has an audience of three: husband, wife and God, who sees all.” (This Momentary Marriage pg. 128)

 Our culture has degraded the marriage bed.  Purity is mocked and immorality glorified.  The singers and actors applauded with Oscars, Emmys and other awards, flaunt their s*xuality and the consumers buy it hook, line and sinker! 

But God says  ” Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the s*xually immoral.” Hebrews 13:4

 We must not take our cues on what s*x is – from the world but from God’s word.  Here is some of God’s word says:

1. S*x creates oneness.

In Mark 10:8 and 9 Jesus says “and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate”

This is a serious text! What God has joined together, let NO ONE seperate. You are one with your husband. God has done this – yet our culture treats marriage casually. We applaud anyone in Hollywood who makes it to their 10 year anniversary because it’s so unexpected! Our vows are our covenant – we are to hold fast to our husbands!

2. Do not deprive each other.

I Corinthians 7:5 says “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

I made an entire video on this – and it’s along the side bar (or click here to see it) – so I won’t belabor this point except to say that this is mutual.  Just as wives are not to deprive their husbands – husbands must not deprive their wives. Why?  Because if you are not ‘doin it’ Satan will tempt you and your husband –and you will lack self-control to overcome the temptations.

3. Your husband is to be satisfied with you. Do You seek to satisfy him?

Proverbs 5:19 says “A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.”

Isn’t it interesting that no where in scripture wives are told to be satisfied with their husband’s body. Men were created more visually oriented. This is why p*rn is more prevalent among men than women. And so when you want the light off while you are ‘doin it’ and he wants it on – just know, this is where the tension lies. He wants to SEE you! And I will admit that as I get older and my body changes, I prefer a dimly lit room to help me out a little. lol! But here is the key – if you are not ‘doin it’ how will he be satisfied? Help your husband out by making yourself available to him to meet his needs.

“Just as the devil will do everything he can to bring two people together s*xually before marriage, he does everything he can to keep them away from each other after marriage.” ~ Dr. Emerson Eggerich (Love and Respect pg.250)

Statistically speaking – S*x and money cause the most marital problems.  What Dr. Eggerich says is true – before marriage – the devil tempts couples to be s*xually active too soon – and after marriage he does everything he can to keep us away from each other.  This is not an issue to turn a blind eye to.  So what can we do?

In For Women Only Shaunti Feldhahn gives four ways to overcome the S*x Gap within marriage:

1.  Choose to love him in the way he needs.  For most men, s*x is a physical need AND an emotional need.  It makes him feel loved, desired, counteracts stress, fears and loneliness.

2.  Get involved and have fun.  I must admit our most memorable and pleasurable moments were the times that I decided to plan ahead and have a little fun. 

3.  If you need it, get help. I know that there are women reading this who have encountered past abuse or are currently in a marriage that is completely unhealthy.  I do not want this blog post to heap frustration or guilt on you in anyway. I know that you whole heartedly wish you could respond to your husband’s needs. I want to say to you – that I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing.  I wish I could ((hug)) you through this computer and tell you – this post is not for you..right now.  Right now you need to seek healing.  Please get pastoral or professional help. 

4. Make S*x a Priority.  Talk to your husband.  How does he think the two of you are doing in this department?  Do you regularly say “no” to your husband?  Now would be a good time to reconsider your priorities.  What is zapping your time and energy? I know the answer because it’s my answer too – the kids and your housework (and a certain little blog I write on lol!). 

Our husband’s must not come dead last on our ‘to do’ list.  Purpose to say ‘yes’ to his advances.  As you might have seen me say on The Racheal Ray Show - “I make love to my husband anytime he wants it.”  This is mostly true (I’m certainly not perfect) but I have purposed in my mind to say yes yes yes!  I want to meet my husband’s needs and as a result I feel amazingly blessed in our marriage.   

This week’s challenge:

**Chime In: I know this is a senstive topic – I don’t expect you to hang it all out there in the comments – but if you would like to share your thoughts in the comments section.  We’d love to hear them. :)

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Comments

  1. Jasmine says

    Hi, I love you blog, kisses from the London,UK.
    I agree with you 100%
    im not married yet and I am waiting for marriage and can’t wait tbh to give my virginity to the man I love.
    It does make waiting worth while. Anyway :) I agree that you have to say yes or I belive he will only look for it somewhere else once you say no and not think of your mans needs.

    Xx

    • erica says

      Hi Jasmine,

      Kudos to you waiting for marriage! I am a virgin as well, and i do know sometimes it can be difficult to wait, but it is definitely worth it. I want to be the best wife to my husband, and keep him happy at all times.

  2. Auntie Em says

    Courtney, a big thank you for helping host the Marriage series! It has challenged me as a new blogger to get busy and write, and as a wife to be sure I’m practicing what I’m preaching!

  3. says

    The hubby and I are actually planning a whole date day this weekend!! We’re celebrating 9 years of being married!! It is so important to plan intimate time with him. If not, kiddies and life take you over and you wonder who that is snoring next to you….

  4. jennifer says

    I agree with all of this so much, but this topic always stings a little because my husband does not want sex very often and it hurts me and I feel like it damages our relationship. I would love to know I am not alone in this.

    • says

      You are NOT alone!!! 25% of women are in marriages where the woman is more interested than the man. Sometimes this is just normal or maybe you think you are having it less than you really are and your marriage is quite healthy … but if long periods of time pass – like months… sometimes it means the man is under great stress, on medication, depressed, has suffered from past abuse or maybe is looking at p*rn :( I would definately talk to your husband about this just to be sure he is not needing outside help because it is an important aspect of marriage.
      Praying for you tonight,
      Courtney

      • anonymous says

        Or maybe some husbands are getting older and are not able to get an erection. I do think it is important to talk about to find out why. My husband and I talked and I have found it “works better” in the morning for my husband. I know my least favorite time but I have had to adjust to please him.

      • Deborah says

        I am so frustrated in this area. My husband never asks. I am always the one to initiate s*x and I am/was rejected almost everytime. I would beg almost. At the begining of our marriage I had caught him looking at porn. I confronted him and he said he would never look at it again. But, a year later I caught him in the act of looking at porn. I confronted him again and told him that it was a sin. It seemed better when I initiated s*x; he didn’t reject so much. Now I am frustrated again, because now he is masterbating…I have laid it at the Feet of my LORD Jesus. But meantime what can I do?

      • Irene says

        Hi Courtney and all,
        I would probably be considered “older” to most of you, probably the age of many of your moms. :) What I want to encourage you all in is this: Intimacy in a marriage is a work in progress and there is no formula that is right for everyone, even within biblical boundaries. The most important thing is NOT whether or not a wife says “yes” all the time. The most important thing is communication between the a husband and a wife. So many things can make a woman or a man not “feel” like it. TALK ABOUT IT. PRAY ABOUT IT. This takes trust and work and time. There can be abuse issues, physical issues, illness, stress, debilitating fatigue, sometimes medication can cause a loss of desire. I do not think our merciful God intended women to take the burden of intimacy on themselves. I have known too many women who feel guilty for saying “no” under circumstances where the husband should be understanding and vise versa. I would also advise putting away the “how to” and Christian “help” books for awhile. Go on a weekend retreat and talk about what works for you as a couple. Find out the issues that may be getting in the way. Pray together. Enjoy each other. Relax. Intimacy is not just s*x. Intimacy is a life built together.

    • Jess says

      Jennifer…I’m right there with you. A lot of times, I feel like I “want it” more than my husband does. All to often, I’ve been rejected (twice in the past two weeks) which causes feelings of bitterness and resentment. It is very frustrating and I completely get where you’re coming from. Hang in there girl. You’re not the only one in this sort of situation. {hugs}

    • Nicole says

      You are not alone! My husband says he wants it more than it happens but is never interested. He acts bothered when I initiate – so I stopped. We have had s*x 3 times in 2011 and 3 times in 2012 so even though I want it more often, I don’t think I’m asking for too much. It hurts so much and so deeply, but I am praying God will reveal the problem to me. I’m focusing on other areas to be a godly wife hoping once those areas are taken care of – this will fall into place.

  5. says

    AGREED!!!! I’m one of your older readers — I just asked my husband if I’ve ever told him “no” with regards to s*x. He smiled really big said “all he has ever heard is YES with smile and winkled in my eye.”

  6. Ashley says

    Courtney, thank you for tackling this delicate subject! I watched the video on the side bar & am planning on getting the book you recommend. I’m a fairly newly married gal but feel my insecurties regarding my weight & looks defintely hinders me in this area. Maybe the book will help.

    • Coach says

      Try not to let your insecurities get in the way. The things that you think are unattractive probably don’t bother your husband at all (IF he’s even noticed them!). Honestly, there are times when I think my husband is crazy for wanting to do the deed with the woman I see in the mirror who still has too much baby fat, hasn’t shaved her legs in a week, and is wearing a ball cap because she hasn’t showered…but he loves me no matter what, and he still finds me attractive even when I feel completely unattractive. If you’ve married a half-way decent guy, I’d be willing to bet that he feels the same way about you. And trust me, things will be so much more enjoyable for you when you can let yourself believe that you’re just as hot as he thinks you are and just totally let go. Allow God to bless your marriage in that area :)

  7. Chela says

    Jennifer, you are not alone. My husband doesn’t want to have s*x very often either. It does hurt when I’m lying in bed wishing we were cuddling and he’s asleep on the couch. I also see how the enemy wants to keep us apart. I know we are to find our satisfaction in God alone and trust Him to meet our needs, but that doesn’t mean we don’t grieve over areas of our life that aren’t what they could be. Hugs to you and a prayer for your heart.

  8. Amy says

    Courtney,

    Thanks for sharing this post. I am challenged and inspired by your “I always say yes” comment. I KNOW I say no more than yes and I don’t want to be that kind of wife, yet I’m SO not in the mood 95% of the time. sigh. When you choose to say yes, does this mean that you are “fully into it” each time, too. My husband asks AT LEAST 2-3 times a week and I’m trying to wrap my brain around the fact that I’d say yes every single time. However, I know it would be good for our marriage. Thanks for your honesty in this department!

    Blessings~
    Amy

    • says

      Amy – we have it no less than 2-3 times a week (unless he is traveling or I’m having my time of the month) …{blush} this is a little personal but maybe I should have offered that in my post. And…the mood thing is hard for me too – but please don’t think you HAVE to say yes EVERY time – baby steps – just try to come from a place of yes as often as you are able…you’ll be amazed how your mood will follow and how happy your husband will be :)
      Courtney

      • Sabrina says

        Courtney,
        I bought that book a few weeks ago that you recommended – Intimate Issues. It has been a great resource! Talk about God showing me my own sin….2-3 times a week is my husbands ideal…..I’m working on it. We’ve had a few busy weeks and have both been tired so I’ve gotten a free pass, but I’m going to try to say yes as much as I can and see what happens from there. :)

  9. says

    Personally, I’ve said “yes” about 98% of the time. However, I fail to initiate as often as my hubby would like. Part of the reason is insecurities concerning my weight and looks. But, I know I need to overcome them in order to fulfill my hubby in this area.

    • says

      Alana, I completely understand. I was there to. Can I offer a suggestion. You need more me time. Make some time in the day or in the week to be all about you. Find time with a friend, go shopping, get a complete makeover in clothing and you period. New Haircuts, something more attracting but styling that you like on yourself. Find things that make you feel good about you. For the concern of weight, Try to eat more things that are healthy and limit the portion size. What is something you can do alone or with your family that may help motivate you in a little exercising. If you have a goal(s) make it more visual. If it is more visual, it will help keep your motivation thriving. One thing that threw me on the band wagon was, my husband and what was going on in our marriage. To be up front and honest, he was addicted to porn and flirting on the internet. The way he looked at other women is the way I wanted him to look at me but in the way of respect and love. I was uncomfortable with me after 3 babies and wanted to be me the slim, Bubbly happy and sexier me. It honestly angered me that he would lust at other women when I his wife was here beside him. The more angry I got, the more motivated I was to exercise and take care of me. (not always the right reasons for motivation but it got me going) After that I started replacing the reasoning to, its all about me. I need to be fit to be healthy for me and my family as well as my husband. Still on the thrive to save my marriage that is what set things to course. Next year we are celebrating our 10 yrs of marriage and my goal is to lose 40 more pounds so I can be in a beautiful summer dress to renew our vows. Nothing fancy or all of that but He has set the plans up and all I have to worry about is what I am going wear. I want to knock him off his feet like I did our wedding day.

      So, I just want to encourage you to make time for you and start finding things to motivate you, or friends that will help encourage you along the process.

      (Sorry Courtney, I left another long post. Lol)

  10. says

    Ok, very personal but I shall share. This is the ONE main area that my husband and I have “arguments”. Well, not really arguments but I more often than not turn him down, ignore him, stay up later than him and sneak into bed or go to sleep before him. Ahem! My husband wants it often, me not so much. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it or him or love him because I do, he’s my best friend. I am usually tired or busy, etc… Not really a good reason but thats it. I want to please him and I do try in this area to say Yes as much as possible. It is a work in progress.

    • says

      Wow! We sound soooo much a like! My husband would LOVE loving nightly and, more often than not, more than once. I have a very low libido so…well, you can just imagine :\ I have gained a good amount of weight since we met and I had my tubes tied about 3 years before we meet. I think that has a lot to do with my predicament. I just keep bringing to God a few times a month. I hope you find a happy medium!!!!

  11. says

    Courtney, I have always enjoyed your blog as well as following you on Fb. Now I am off of FB because of the prioritizing, especially in our marriage. I just want to say to anyone working to revive your marriage, even if you are in midst of restoring/saving your marriage. Marriage is truly a hard work for all of us. My marriage was nearly shattered and almost destroyed. While it is always encouraged to seek help in counseling, most women/men are uncomfortable sharing outside the realm per say. Meaning they do not want others knowing their business for a lot of good reasons and some honestly prideful reasons. The one thing I want to encourage anyone looking to restore their marriage is first and foremost, seek the Lord for direction and counseling. If you are or spouse is not willing to seek professional counseling from a pastor or therapist, which ever you prefer. Then the best answer is to hit your knees in prayer for direction. The next thing I also recommend is trying the 40 day Love Dare. You do not have to do this dare with your spouse, in fact in most cases the spouse is not always willing to. Just you doing the dare alone will be enough to set things on the right track heading in the right direction. I know this because this is what the Lord led me to do for my marriage and it literally saved it. My husband is now growing in to the man of God just like God had promised. Understand it is not a process that will happen over night, It takes time and patience and truly pursuing God and your husband with your whole heart in order to bring that healing. The more you seek His help and truly seek and pursue His counsel be it professional or Love Dare you will see the work of the Lord in yours and yours spouse life.
    Once the healing has set in, the next most important thing of all is pursuing your spouse just as you did/they did in courtship. Get to know them and pursue fullfilling eachother with intimacy. I can tell you, Honestly, my husband and I are like HighSchool Sweethearts all over again. We find time for eachother, plan dates a little more often, express our love more – be it phsyical touch (kiss, hug, intimacy) or just writing silly heartfelt love letters or calling eachother by pet names, (kwim) Sounds cheesy and corny, but I will tell you what, we are closer then we have ever been in our whole marriage and we enjoy eachother more so then before. Not only that, it makes a huge difference in our family. Our children see us loving eachother as well as loving them more, the stress is less in our house and we all enjoy eachother more.
    Courtney, Thanks again for your posts. Keep em coming. Sorry I got a little more in to the comment then I thought I was going to. Your super, God Bless you and what your doing to help others.

  12. says

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Courtney! And, every marriage is unique, because every person is unique. So, I think the important thing is to remember that. I don’t ever really turn my husband down, but it’s because he doesn’t initiate a lot. Not because he doesn’t want to do anything, but because he wants ME to initiate. So, for those of us in that situation, I think it goes beyond just “saying yes.” No, I can’t read my husband’s mind, but I have to try to think about it more than I would on my own because I know that he still has that need, even if he doesn’t initiate. I hope this makes sense.

    • Shelly says

      Crystal, I am in exactly your same position! My husband doesn’t “ask” very oftern, and he says he wants me to initiate more. I feel sure that my lack of enthusiasm for s*x has affected both of us, but I am encouraged by this post to be more proactive! I treasure my husband and want to make him my FIRST priority! (After Christ!!)

      • Sarah says

        Shelly and Crystal, I’m in that same boat! I don’t turn him down very often, but we still fight because he wants me to initiate and be all over him. But I want him to be more “aggressive” and initiate, to show me that he’s interested in me. So we have this back and forth about it, with neither of us really getting what we want.

        Courtney, thank you for this blog post! Can I share a little something that’s been going on in my head recently? I’m doing the Bible study Divine Design with my women’s group at church, and between that and something you said in this post, I’m feeling discouraged. My Bible study talks about how God designed women to be, and I just feel like I’m almost completely opposite than what the Bible says. And your comment about men’s and women’s bodies made me feel that way, too. I’m definitely more visual than my hubby, and I actually struggled more with porn before we were married than he did. Thank the Lord that I’m doing so much better with that now, but I still at times will have that draw. I just feel like I’m the only Christian woman who has that problem.

        When I get together with my ladies group to go over our Bible study, they all talk about how they see these Biblcal characteristics of woman in their own lives, and I am not comfortable to say that I’m struggling with this. I know God made me just the way He wants me to be, and I’m growing in godliness, but just right now in my life, I’m feeling discouraged. :(

  13. Tegan says

    Thank you Courtney! Ive been reading your blog from over in Australia for a couple of years now and love the way you go about teaching, helping and guiding! The world values marriages differently and i too was raised with a more biblical understanding of marriage and feel so appreciative of the more natural balance i feel in my home. Thank you for tackling this subject with such understanding. I too make a conscious effort to be “there” for my husband, and vice versa too. Xx

  14. says

    I really do enjoy your blog and the many others you are linked to. I appreciate the fact that you are open and honest about really serving The Lord Jesus in all areas of your life, especially in your marriage relationship. Unfortunately too many couples don’t enjoy each other s*xually. They don’t fulfill each other the way The Lord intended us to. We just celebrated our 40th anniversary and are more in love with each other and desiring to meet each other’s needs more than ever!!!!! I must say that it takes practice and desire, but then, that is the fun part!

  15. Amanda says

    Thanks for posting this. I have enjoyed reading your blog. I highly recommend it to all. My husband and I have been married almost 15 years now. I honestly got bored with things. Till I watched your video on the subject. Then I thought about it in a different light you could say. Made me start looking for ways to make things more interesting. Thanks again for all you do.

  16. Terri says

    Thank you for this blog post! My husband and I have been married 14 years now and are blessed to get to meet with newly married couples quite often. Your blog post summarizes some of the most important things we tell them in our meetings.

  17. Heidi says

    Hi,
    I love this post and this blog! It is so helpful!
    I just want to say a little something to those of you who are struggling with the fact that your husband doesn’t seem to be interested in sex. Think about the possibility of a hormone imbalance. My husband suffered from Low Testosterone for YEARS! and we didn’t now it. He slowly spiraled down in to depression and he lost interest in everything. He barely participated in our life at all. He did his best to spend time with his kids but after 20 minutes, he was exhausted. I finally broke down one day crying and telling him that I couldn’t live like this anymore because, not only was he not interested in sex, but he quit being affectionate. He quit kissing me, touching me, even hugging me. For a while we just assumed it was the pressures of his job. He started going to a Men’s Sunday School class and one of the men there encouraged him to go to the Dr. because his lack of interest in life was a problem. It turns out his body makes almost no testosterone.
    I have often remarked to my husband how many divorces could have been saved by a simple blood test at the Dr. ! The symptoms are unexplained depression, weight gain, loss of muscle mass and muscle strength, easily bruising, hair loss, low libido.
    I have often lamented that there aren’t very many places when I can share our 7 year struggle with this. It seems to be a taboo subject. We’ve been married 17 years and our marriage is stronger then it has ever been, but I shudder to think of what my life might be like right now if we hadn’t found out what was going on. If sharing can help even one relationship, I’ll be thankful.
    I am not saying that this is the answer to everything but I do believe it is a problem that is out there that few people talk about or even know about. That is why I am sharing.
    God bless

    • amy says

      Yes, THANK YOU for sharing!! We have been struggling for this our whole marriage (10 years). We have talked about this until we are blue in the face. We have even seen a counselor about this. I am going to see about it being a medical issue. Thanks for the suggestion.

  18. Megan says

    Courtney,
    My husband and I will be married 2 years on the 16th. I am his second wife he is my first husband. We both had children when we got married (long story on my part) and I work a full time job on a research farm- outside manual labor kinda stuff. He works nights as a Policeman. When we are home together at night (very rare) I get angry that he doesn’t do more to help me out with the children and house work. Then I want to punish him by saying ‘no’ even if I am in the mood. I try very hard to live like the Bible says to, I must say I fall very short in that area. Most times I feel like a terrible spouse and a failure as a mother. Being a step mom is very painful. I know my husband is tired of listening to me cry about not feeling loved by his children and that affects us in the bedroom BIGTIME. I want to be ‘Super Mom’ and ‘Super Wife’ and when I realize I am none of those I don’t feel very desirable. I am trying to let go of my insecurities as a parent and just enjoy my family and my wounderfully handsome husband the way God intended me too. Thank you for always being there for me when I need some female spiritual guidance, and for writing on tough topics like this. You are definitely my inspiration when it comes to being a wife and mother.
    God bless you for all that you do.

  19. Lisa says

    I have been reading a book that is changing my life and marriage and has opened my eyes wide open to what God wants from us as wives. It’s called, “Created to be his help meet” by Debi Pearl from No Greater Joy ministries. She makes it all so clear how sinful a lot of us wives have been living in our marriages. I highly recommend this book to ALL women married and considering marriage. I will share this book with women for many years to come. Let me say one more time, it has changed my marriage and how I view s*x and it’s changing my life! My husband has noticed a real big difference. What a blessing! Marriage is a blessing from God, His design. Thank you, Courtney for stepping out with a much needed topic to be discussed. When the world freely puts it in the spotlight in the sinful way, Christians seem to tuck it away and be terrified to discuss or give it proper attention. Thanks for being courageous. Praying for God to bless each one of your marriages! He restored mine and I’m eternally grateful and committed to encouraging others to do the same. God bless.

    • Laura says

      I’ve read some of that book. I got it off of the recycle table from the MOPS group my kids and I were a part of. Thus far, it seems that the only good thing about it is that I got it for free. From what I read, it seemed as though women are supposed to be spineless and submissive to their husband and strict disciplinarians to their husbands. I’ll give it one more look to see if it’s worth keeping. If not, I’ll strip the covers and take it apart and send it to recycling. I can’t imagine why somebody gave it away. (I was at a rummage sale last week and I saw a copy there too. I actually thought, sarcastically, “Gee. I can’t imagine why they gave it up.”)

      • Amy says

        I read Created To Be His Help Meet, after hearing how some women love it, while others want to burn it. I found myself in the burn it category! I found it so offensive to women. The writer encourages wives to be totally submissive (doormats) to their husbands. She also appears to blame women in cases of abuse and encourages them not to divorce their abusive husbands. She is way to extreme for my taste.

  20. Midon says

    Thank you so much for this Courtney! This was becoming the downfall of my marriage and I didn’t even realize it. After reading Created to be a HelpMeet by Debi Pearl I realized how much I was hurting my husband. I probably told him no 80% of the time. I had also caught him looking at porn and not coming home when work was done. Who would want to come home to a wife that wasn’t filling his needs? God made men to need IT, that’s just the way it is. At first it was really difficult to change my attitude and be comitted to saying yes. But you know, you have an option to be into it or not. If your thoughts are towards your husband throughout the day that helps. I send him cute texts and when he gets home always plant a big juicy on on him. I cann’t express fully the amazing change in our relationship!!! It was 3 years ago that I changed and it has been the most amazing of our marriage. We have been marries almost 10 years now. I didn’t realize how amazing marriage could be and how much closer we could grow. But we have and we still do. And my husband now rushes home to me and the children. We still don’t do it quite every night (almost*)but now when we don’t it is a surprise.
    I also wanted to take a moment to say, I rarely enjoyed IT before. I could have honestly done with out. But I started actually talking to my husband about it and challenging myself to have fun and enjoy. God made this to be a wonderful thing between a husband and wife, I need to let it be! Now I thoroughly enjoy and absolutely Hate when “Aunt Flo” comes to visit!!! :)

  21. Jeanee says

    I appreciate this blog, but what I find most frustrating is that 99% of articles and such on this topic assume that the woman is witholding from the man. I’ve been married for almost 6 years and my husband’s libido is equal to that of a houseplant. I was a virgin when we got married (he wasn’t but I don’t think that has anything to do with it) and was really looking forward to being s*xually active but have been tremendously disappointed in our s*xless marriage. We’ve probably had s*x in our whole marriage that most have in the first few months of theirs. I’m not asking for help, though I do pray for God’s help, I just wanted to point out this one-sided issue among Christians and non. :) Blessings!

      • Amanda says

        Jeanne,
        I feel ya. I’m in the same boat. We’ve been married for almost two years and I can count on two hands how many times we’ve done it. He won’t seek help either, even though I’ve begged for us to see a counselor.. We fight about it at least once a month. I am out of ideas.

  22. Jessica says

    All I have to say is, yes! Saying yes everytime, except when physically impossible, has changed our marriage. We weren’t having any issues, but this change had brought us so incredibly close. Once you decide that the answer is always yes you don’t have to battle the, I’m tired and not into this right now should I ask for a raincheck? No, the answer is already yes. An answer my husband needs and appreciates. Am I always Jessie on the spot? Completely ready for intimacy at a moments notice? Heavens no. Between caring for 4 little ones, homeschooling, and housekeeping it sometimes takes prayer. Lord, please help me be pleasing to my husband. Help me to meet his needs. I may start off not feeling like it, but I always enjoy myself ;) And although the middle of the day romps are perhaps the most difficult to respond to, like when you’re making lunch for everyone, it gives you something to secretly smile at each other about all day.

  23. Charity says

    We have flip flopped in this area of our marriage. When we were first married he was on medications that decreased his desire for s*x. I had much desire in this area, but he did not. I remember how much that hurt. Now he is no longer on those medications, but I am on medications that have the side effect of decreasing my desire for s*x. It is something we have spent time talking about recently. This is truly an area for us where we are both learning to let go of selfishness. That is a hard lesson for us both. There are times when I need to be more available and other times when he needs to wait. We are working this out, but we know we will continue to do this together. I still feel bad because I am not sure what happened to his ego when the last time we were coming together I really did not feel like it, but was anyway because I love my husband. Well, I did not know that part of the reason I was not in the mood was because I was coming down with the stomache flu. I got up and got sick in the middle and that was how that session ended. It was not him it was the flu, but I can’t help but think that this had to have hurt his ego somewhat.

  24. Colleen says

    Love the advice, and I agree with you 100%. However, (you knew it was coming!), you don’t touch on the subject of disabilities. My husband and I both WANT all the s*x we can get, but since he is disabled the opportunities are VERY FEW and far between. Trust me when I say this, satan tries his best to get me upset. He tries to get me to think about what I am missing and that there are plenty of other guys out there who could “take care of me”. He tries to drive a wedge in between us, especially in our bedroom. My husband does all he can to keep me “happy”, but we all know that s*x is the way that married couples really become “one”. I just work my way through every day with God’s strength and remember that God is the priority, not my s*x life. It’s not about me, it’s about me becoming the woman, the WIFE, that God wants me to be.

    • says

      Colleen, I hope you don’t mind but I wanted to reply to your comment because I’m going through the exact same thing with my Dear Hubby. He has been ill recently and frankly he just can not breathe (and thus, can not participate in sex). He’s about 5 years older than I am, and I’ll be honest…I’m 50yo and I have a drive still!! This was pretty much driving him insane, because he felt like such a loser that he couldn’t “take care of me” However, to me sex is not about “Hey I’m horny! Take care of my itch!” Sex is the way that I consider him and take care of his intimate physical needs. Sex is not me-centered” but “my spouse-centered” and “God-centered” and God is pretty clear. I Corinthians 7 tells us it is okay or good to not have sexual relations (v. 1) but if you’re going to burn with lust, it’s better to get married (v.9) . Thus, when satan does that thing about “there are plenty of guys who could take care of you” I just remind satan that it’s not about ME, it’s about honoring the promise I made to take care of my husband, it’s about being a godly woman who pleases God with her behavior including sexually, and it’s about having a marriage that demonstrates God’s faithfulness to us when we didn’t deserve it. Then I tell satan to GO AWAY and I am choosing to love only one man–my husband–the man to whom it is due. My mind is on HIS physical, intimate needs, not mine.

  25. Kristin says

    I have just started reading your blog & wow is the timing ever perfect! I know that i do not treat my husband the way that i am supposed to. we are basically roommates. I couldn’t tell you the last time that we kissed…..we have had sex once this entire year. We are almost to our 10 year anniversary & I really feel like a failure as a wife. I want to be “in love” with him and “want him” but because i havent thought about it for so long…..i’m not even there now.
    I have a lot to work on…..thank you for being so open & honest and sharing your story….

  26. Rachel Bennett says

    Thank you for the encouragement. I do ok in this area except during pregnancy. My hormone levels are so that I have no desire or feelings in this area even during. It makes me feel distant from my husband so I know that I need to find other ways to be intimate with him. I will ask God to help me in this area. My hubby is so undstanding but I know it would be better if it happened more often during regnancy. I’ve still got 2 1/2 months left in this third pregnancy so I’ve got time to put into practice what you have encouraged me to do.

  27. Molly says

    What about if you have little to zero libido to begin with? I’m exclusively nursing (first time mom) and want to for as long as the baby needs it but from my research it comes with a side effect of almost no s*x drive. It’s also really uncomfortable and lube doesn’t really help–it’s like using lotion on toast and expecting it to work. (sorry if that’s tmi). I want to try and meet hubby’s needs anyways but it depresses him that I come from that standpoint. It’s like he wants us to act like teenagers who find each other irresistible. Any moms that nurse–did your drive ever come back before weaning, or is it only afterwards?

    • Hannah says

      Molly-Please cut yourself some slack. nursing a baby, especially your first one, is an enormous accomplishment and a huge undertaking for you physically and emotionally! You are included in the category of women who can’t necessarily take this pledge right now because of your particular ‘season’ in life but iT WILL PASS! Your drive will return! Yes, it will probably be when you’re done nursing-this is natures way of making our bodies serve our roles as Mothers! You can still do ‘other’ fun and intimate things in bed with your husband, remember! It doesn’t need to be intercourse :)

    • Cindy says

      Hi,
      I know that nursing changes your hormones, so talk to your doctor about getting some extra estrogen…that may make a difference in the dryness issue. Kudos to you for breast feeding!

  28. says

    I”m truly blessed in my s*x life with my husband. We are the same as Courtney and her husband, generally 2-3 times a week. I honestly don’t think that I have ever told my husband no. I think the main thing that helps keep the spark alive is that we constantly flirt with each other and share how much we enjoy each other.

    I’ve noticed a trend with my friends who aren’t satisfied with their s*x lives is that they tend to reject their husbands any time, even when they just want a kiss or something. My advice is to always welcome any kind of physical contact. Like if you are washing dishes or preparing dinner and your husband comes up to and kisses you or grabs you from behind, go with it. Playfully respond like, ” Honey I’m trying to do the dishes or cook or whatever” but then turn around and show him that you enjoy his attention. Men only have to be rejected a few times, sometimes only once, and then they won’t try again for a VERY LONG TIME!

    We’ve had problems in our marriage, my husband had more than one affair so that took a lot of rebuilding of trust and our intimacy. I can now say that we are enjoying a much richer and more pleasurable s*x life than before his affairs. I think the major key in our relationship now is that we completely do our best to follow God’s model. Our marriage comes first, even before the kids. We make sure to spend time together and sometimes even tell the kids that no Momma and Daddy need time together right now. It has made a HUGE difference!

  29. Hoss says

    Wonderful information here… Thanks for posting…. now if I can just find a way to get my wife to read it without printing it out and taping it to her Kindle! :-)

  30. Jenn says

    Hello! Great reminders here!! My husband and I have been married for 8 years. When we got married, I was a virgin, VERY virgin. So was he, but it was shocking and overwhelming to me that he wanted to have s*x ALL THE TIME!! I ended up feeling very used, as I am also the worst of communicators (working on that)! Please understand that he is not a selfish man in the bedroom. He is very patient and loving. I have come to the place where I have realized that the gift of my body that I gave to my husband on our wedding night is a gift that I need to keep on giving, every day if need be. Sometimes if I am too tired, I will say so, but I do try to always have a “YES” attitude! If I push him away and don’t meet his needs, he will find alternatives, and I DO NOT want that!

  31. says

    I have seen your blog on this before and I enjoy reading it every time :) When you were saying how men prefer lights on and women lights off, that is exactly how it is with us. I know I personally struggle with the fact that I “lost it” when I was a teenager before I met my husband. It weighs on my heart sometimes, mostly when I read things like this, because I wasn’t his first and he wasn’t mine. If we knew then that I was going to meet my husband shortly after my first time, I would have saved myself for sure!!

    I am so glad you write this blog and I feel like I know you through it! I am only 24 and have been married 5 years already, but I look up to you Courtney and all your wisdom that you write about :)

    • anonymous says

      She didn’t censor it to be prudish. She noted at the top of the post that she has to censor it or many Christian filters will block the post. Just FYI. :)

  32. anonymous says

    Sex was a great issue to me…I just couldn’t get it right for 15 years. I was molested as a child, and so was my mother, and for that very reason she just left it. It blew up in my face when my hubby had an affair for the 3rd time. I had to face alot of demons, including my mothers issue with me. I sometimes still get so angry when I think or talk about it…I feel like I could’ve avoided this. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. But I’m still married! Which is the good news. After intensive counselling and seeing a sexologist, I now enjoy sex-alot….still haven’t said no. I think I’m catching up on lost time :-) My only problem is and it is a big problem is the trust issue…I feel so in-secure when any woman walks into a room or we are in public places. I lash out at my hubby for even glancing at somebody. I’m 40 and I look 30…I have always taken great care of my body and looks..but I battle to believe that I am beautiful…so if you have any pointers…about confidence and trust after affairs…I’ll be greatful. Have a great day from Sunny South Africa…I love your blog!

    • says

      My husband has cheated on my three times as well and it is really hard for me to deal with other women too. By the grace of God, we have been able to continually work through those issues. Sometimes it still bothers me a lot, but not near as much as before.

      • Anonymous says

        Jessie thank you for sharing this! I will be praying for you as someone that has been through the same! It is hard! We need to constantly remind ourselves that we are God’s beautiful creations! Fearfully and wonderfly made!

  33. Mom of 4 says

    Yes, she did mention why she “censored” the word s*x. She also asked her commenters to do the same as she does not want her target audience to be blocked. Anyway, we are struggling right now with 3 kids & a high-maintenance 7 month old who won’t sleep in her bed. Or stop crying for babysitters :-/. Prayers needed as I am probably one of the few-ish women who completely needs & relishes HOT monogamous s*x with my man! I actually enjoy more spontaneity. “Planning” seems to put more pressure on both of us! Anywho, if you are worried about the lights on, try a red or black light! You will be amazed at the blemishes it hides!

  34. Minnie says

    I love your blog but will admit that this one hit a sour note with me. Not sour because I don’t agree but because it is a struggle for me. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and together for 10 (2 boys, 8 & 3) To me we are a great couple, we play around all the time, make each other laugh, etc. Then it gets to night time. I’d say on average we do it 1-2 times a week… sometimes we skip a week and only do it once the next, etc. It is me in this area that fails. My husband, he still acts like a teenager. It is wonderful to know that after all this time just simple brushing by my husband when we walk or giving him a look with my eyes can trigger him. But by the time we go to bed it’s all left my system. A good 50% of the time we do it I’ve said no probably once already and since he tried again just gave in & I do normally have an attitude then. I’m just tired…and I get frustrated that every time I come to bed he tries, no matter what time or how the day has been. I probably say no a majority of the time and end up giving in.

    Why? It touches base with saying “Yes” every time. I would love to do this, I would love to not say no and get frustrated but I get so hurt sometimes by this. Inside of me I feel that if I’m not in the mood and I say no that’s it. Don’t ask again, don’t pester me, etc. Don’t get frustrated and go lay on the couch, just accept it and be done. But the fact that those things do happen I begin to think, “It’s my body, if I say no then it’s no.” I feel used and abused when those things happen. I know it is typical male behavior. But it does put me in a “is that all you care about” mind when after 4 days of not doing it I get huge attitude for a day or two until we do. Now 4 days is not all the time. We have ruts, we’ll have a month or so where it’s once a week and then we’ll have a month where it’s 2-3 times a week. Like I said, we average 1-2 times a week.

    Cause: There are some things that happened to me when I was a teenager that have made me this way I think with someone that should have been protecting me. It’s my body, don’t do anything to it without me asking and don’t violate my trust I have with you. Things I’ve never told, things I’ve never told my husband and I will be honest I probably never will. I pray about it but haven’t reached that point yet.

    How do I become a person to say yes? I would love for my husband to be happy in this area without me feeling like a tool to him. Heck, I would LOVE to be the one that starts it because that’s his biggest complaint. Even when I am in the mood I basically give some sort of signal to him that he knows okay, we can do it tonight.

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