Fear

When the Bottom Falls Out

March 19, 2012 by Courtney 42 Comments

Last summer, my husband was walking down our deck stairs holding my daughters hand… they stepped on one stair (these are higher up than they appear in the picture) and it gave out – then they stepped to the next stair and it gave out too! Thankfully my husband had my daughter by the hand and she did not fall through. He strong armed her onto the 3rd step down but he got injured from gripping the railing – the wood punctured his hand and later developed an infection - it was just a mess!

The bottom fell out literally for him that day.

But I think of so many blessings in that moment. I am thankful he was holding her hand…if he had not been holding it – she would have fallen through! I am thankful that he has a strong hand that was able to get her to the next step safely. I am thankful that he took the injury in place of her being injured…and it makes me think of Jesus and his strong hand and how he has endured the pain of the cross for us..

In Hebrews 13:5 he says “Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you.”

God is always with us – he has a strong hand that upholds us when the bottom falls out. He has taken the pain of our sin upon him and covered it over at the foot of the cross…he loves us, protects us, comforts us and never will leave us.

So the bottom fell out for me today…

I had a rough week last week with a cold that turned into Laryngitis and then my washing machine broke with a load in it and more loads to go… and really I was just feeling whiny last week! I thought surely this week would be better…

But today my son tied our wagon to his bike and my daughter got in and he pulled her along – until she flew out! She knocked out her two front teeth (which thankfully were baby teeth) but really scraped up her face. Her lips are swollen and right now she can’t close her mouth to drink or eat…I’m pouring water into her mouth

Waaaaaaaaaaaah!

Sitting in the emergency room – I put on a smile for the kids…but inside I wanted to just throw up! The blood was a little more than I could bare! And the butterflies came as I worried about all the worse case scenarios. After X-rays, some reassurance from the Dr. that her mouth will eventually close again when the swelling goes down (lol! I needed that reassurance!), and some comfort from facebook friends :) I am feeling a little better.

(I took a picture of my daughter’s face but I could see at the Dr.’s office she was embarrassed of it – she complained that she looked like a clown – so I thought it best not to share it with you all right now…but on Saturday we are having her 7th birthday party – so I’ll be taking pictures then – you’ll get to see her toothless smile next week when I post pictures.)

But as we drove to the ER, I prayed with the kids and I told them - even though this took us by surprise, this did not take God by surprise. When we woke up this morning – God knew this accident would happen today. His strong hand was with us – and he carried my little girl to the 3rd step down.

And in hard times like tonight – when the tears seem to flow easy…I’m reminded of John Piper’s words:

It is crucial that in our darkness we affirm the wise, strong hand of God to hold us, even when we have no strength to hold him. This is the way Paul thought in Phil. 3:12 “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.” ESV

The key thing to see in this verse is that all Paul’s efforts to grasp the fullness of joy in Christ are secured by Christ’s grasp of him. Never forget that your security rests on Christ’s faithfulness first.

Christ is faithful first! It is HIS mercies that are new every morning (Lamentations 3:23). HE gave me just enough mercy to make it through last week’s inconveniences. HE gave me the mercy I needed for today – when this frazzled mama just wanted to cry her eyes out in the waiting room and I am counting on HIS mercies for tomorrow’s trials! I can testify - HE is faithful first!

Some days we have to fight for joy. We have to fight to see God in the hard things of life. It is crucial that in our dark moments we remember that though our grasp on God may feel weak – He has a strong hold on us.

Walk with the King,

Filed Under: Fear, Jesus, Joy

5 Steps For Determining God’s Will

December 4, 2011 by Courtney 26 Comments

Lately, I have wrestled with trying to figure out God’s will for some areas in my life. Two weeks ago, my pastor gave this 5 step process for determining God’s will:

1. God’s will is revealed in his written word – the Bible.

2. God often uses wise people in our lives to advise us and help us determine God’s will.

3. God reveals his will through open and closed doors.

4. God reveals his will through inner peace or turmoil.

5. God uses our obedience for his glory.

Number 5 resonates with me during this holiday season…because Mary the mother of Jesus comes to mind – her obedience to God’s plans are staggering!

Have you ever thought about Mary’s friendships and how they must have been affected by this baby that appeared to show up out of wedlock…how some of the women probably talked behind her back and said “ya right – an angel appeared to her!” Those stares and the slander must have stung.

But Mary followed God no matter what the cost.

Then Mary gave birth to this perfectly behaved child…do you know how hard it’d be - to be friends with a new mom whose child is PERFECT!!! Let me be the first to raise my hand and say that going to a play date is already intimidating for me…I never know what my sugar plums are going to do next! But then to live next door to the woman whose child NEVER does anything wrong…oh dear…again Mary was most likely the talk of the town!

But Mary followed God no matter what the cost.

Mary enters the scene in the Bible at Jesus’ conception and then she is only mentioned a few times throughout Jesus’ life. She is there at the foot of the cross on the day that he is crucified. Jesus was her son and Jesus was her Savior – can you imagine? What did people think of her – the mother of this perfect man? The mother of this hated man?

But Mary followed God no matter what the cost.

This must have been a hardship yet we never see her asserting herself – trying to control Jesus so people will think better of them. She understood she was just the vessel that God used to bring this God/Man to earth. How her heart must have ached watching her son be beaten and nailed to the cross…the cost…

Though Mary could not possibly understand all that God was doing – she was open to God’s plan for her life. She offered all of herself – her pride, her plans, her time and talents to be a servant to God. She understood that her life was not her own. She followed God no matter what the cost.

I Corinthians 6:20 says “You are not your own. You were bought at a price, therefore, honor God with your body.”

This baby Jesus, who we are about to celebrate the birth of, was born to pay the price for my sins. I am not my own…

I want to live my life completely surrendered to him no matter what the cost.

And yet,

falter

because of the cost…

and I

wrestle

because of the cost…

and I doubt God’s will

because there seems to be a cost attached…

and then I am reminded of this beautiful young woman Mary…

and I find strength.

And then I reflect on her son Jesus and I’m reminded that – yes – there is a cost…but not the selfish one I’m so focused on…there was a cost for my sins and it was paid by Jesus’ shed blood on the cross…and I serve a Worthy Risen Savior…I surrender!

Walk with the King!

Courtney

Filed Under: Christmas, Fear, Holidays, Pleasing God

The Biggest Disappointment of Relevant

November 2, 2011 by Courtney 60 Comments

: Me with Ann right before we spoke on a panel about “Upside Down Blogging”.

There was one HUGE lesson God revealed to me during the Relevant Conference…

I’m a huge disappoinment and it’s time I embrace disappointing others - to the glory of God!

Let me explain.

The closing speaker for the Relevant Conference was my #1 favorite blog writer – Ann Voskamp of A Holy Experience. Her writing takes me to the throne of God each time I read it. I simply can’t get enough of her writing.

Previous to her closing session, I had shared the platform with Ann in a session titled “Upside Down Blogging“. I spoke about Genesis 11 and the tower of Babel. The men building the tower of Babel wanted to “make a name for themselves” and in God’s eyes this was wicked and brought judgement. As bloggers, this temptation to “make a name for ourselves” exists and we have to be so careful of this trap.

I also talked about Paul and Silas – when the jail doors fell open they stayed in the jail and the jailers family was saved! Opportunities have arisen this year for me – doors have flown open – but thus far I have stayed put believing that it is God’s will for me to stay right where I am at. But I’m not always so sure this is completely noble.

To be honest, I’m scared to death to put myself out there much more than I have on my blog…I fear that expectations may be too high – it raises the bar in every area of my life. From my marriage, to my parenting, to my homemaking – I feel pressure to not disappoint. And this fear of disappointing has caused me to stagnate.

Those closest to me in my real life - know I’m just Courtney…wierd, passionate, talkative Courtney…I have hurts, pains, problems, and fears just like everyone else…I say immature things. I say sinful things. I am SO flawed – the cross says I am flawed! Hallelujah for the cross!

Trust me, I’m a big disappointment in real life.

And so as I sat with pen in hand, ready to receive the message Ann had to share at the closing session of the Relevant Conference – this fearful, weary, wrestling mommy blogger found hope and tears stung as she spoke these words…

“You have been appointed to disappoint so you will point to the one who doesn’t disappoint.”

Did you catch that? It’s my calling!

This is my calling – to be a disappointment to the glory of God!

I am free! Free to be a big disappointment! Because it’s NOT about me – let me point you to who it’s ALL about – Jesus!

Here’s more from my notes that I wrote down that night:

There are no rock stars in blogging. God is our rock and we are all stars shining for him.

Jesus does not need our help to be famous.

Fame is the ugly world of over exaggeration.

Jesus rejected, retreated, and resisted fame. When he healed, he told them go and tell no one! He reteated from being crowned King. Jesus knew he would be used more with a crown of thorns than with a crown enthroned.

Be willing not to be esteemed but to be sacrificed.

Our method of ministry must be as counter cultural as our message is.

There’s a dark underbelly to blogging. Satan would want nothing more than to destroy us.

All the Christian bloggers united are thunder -we are signaling God is about to rain – rain on the wilderness of parched and dry souls. Since Jesus is the rain, we must be thankful people are reading at any blog.

And so I conclude, I am but thunder…I pray that when you come here, God rains on your soul. And when I post something unsettling, don’t answer your email (oh the guilt I carry for not answering your emails I just feel terrible I’ve disappointed so many in this way) or you meet me accidently in the supermarket (multiple times I’ve met strangers who are readers in stores) and my kids are standing on their heads lol!…I will remember I am but dust…you can’t expect too much out of dust (as Sally Clarkson says).

And I am learning to make peace with my new identity.

“I’ve been appointed to be a disappointment so I can point others to the one who will never disappoint.”

It’s my honor to be a disappointment to the glory of God!

Walk with the King,

Courtney

Filed Under: Blogging, Fear, Guilt, Jesus

My Battles With Loneliness

January 31, 2011 by Courtney 59 Comments

After posting the picture of my Good Morning Girls Group, I received a few comments and emails from sisters in Christ who are lonely and long for Christian friendships. My heart broke, as I can recall the seasons in life where I was caught in the dark cloud of loneliness.

I remember weekends in college in Chicago, when most of the girls either went home or out on dates with their boyfriends – I was homesick. I would sit in my dorm room alone eating popcorn and listening to George Winston’s Pachabel’s Canon play on repeat for hours(I still do this! lol!). I never did go out on dates in college – not once – I was dating Keith long distance. I poured over God’s word on those long weekends and filled in the gaping dark hole with God’s presence.

Finally, I married Keith after 4 long years apart and we moved to Columbus, Ohio for him to finish college at Ohio State University. I was in a new town – with a new name – with a new job – and a new church. I recall walking into my first Bible study in the new church and no one greeting me. I sat alone and was very uncomfortable. I had made some non-Christian friends at work. But I longed for a safe refuge of Christian friends where I could let my guard down and be myself. It took about 18 months before I developed my first “real” Christian friendship…it was a long lonely 18 months.

Then I moved home after 7 years away. I had finally made Christian friends back in Columbus – but here I was “alone” again! I pulled out a prayer journal from my first week home and I had written in there… “Help me Lord to not get into a rut of self pity as it is hard in a new town with no friends.” Looking back it’s humorous. I wasn’t in a new town? I was in my hometown. These weren’t new friends? They were old friends. But I was scared – I had changed in 7 years – so had they – would they accept me?

David, “a man after God’s own heart”, was lonely. In Psalm 25:16 he said to the Lord, “Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.” David turned to God.

If we choose to turn away from God in response to our loneliness we will go down a very cold road. Job and Elijah felt so alone they wanted to die. Jeremiah wished he had never even been born. Satan can use this time to enter sinful thoughts into our minds such as self pity, self-centeredness, bitterness, anger, and jealousy. We may attempt to put a band aid on the pain by turning to the television, alcohol, shopping, binge eating, or excessive computer time.

But, the only comfort I ever found was in releasing my needs to God in prayer and then trusting God. If you are struggling with loneliness today I encourage you to read Psalm 84:11,12. Place your trust in God, then go one step further and delight yourself in God as the rest of Psalm 84 says.

Stop being jealous, stop shopping, stop suppressing the pain with food. I testify as one lonely sister to another (*tears are stinging as I write this next line because God has taught me this truth through tears over and over and over and I pray with all my heart you will grasp this) - it has been in my trusting and delighting – that God has filled the God shaped hole inside of me, to the brim.

In time, God will bring you the fellowship you long for but never let your friends replace your Walk with the King,