I hold my 6 week old baby in the rocking chair. He is restless and crying so I cuddle him in and begin to nurse. He drinks for a moment and then cries. What is wrong – why is he doing this? He latches on again for a couple minutes and then stops to cry…we do this for 45 minutes and now I am sweating, unsure of myself and uneasy with how nursing is going. We stop and I just rock him. He is peaceful. We rock. He sleeps.
I go to my computer and google “baby crying during nursing”. I call my sisters – we discuss it – but I still don’t find my answers. He awakes, we again nuzzle into our chair and I bring him to my breast. Again he cries and fusses. No one told me this would be so hard?
It’s Easter Sunday – I am so proud to bring my new baby out into public for the world to see – but I have a dark secret…our nursing sessions are stressful. I head up to my old bedroom in my parent’s house where I try to nurse him but he refuses to eat. Tears well up in my eyes – what is wrong with me – what is wrong with him – what do I do?
I sit with the lactation consultant at the hospital. She weighs him and then I nurse him for 45 minutes and then she weighs him again…I wait to hear how much milk he took in… he took in 1 ounce. “1 oz – 1 oz – 1 oz in 45 minutes!!! What have I done? My sweet baby boy is starving!” He is immediately given formula – I go home weeping. Weeping over my first failure as a mother.
Have you ever laid in bed awake at night and wondered – Why me? I don’t understand these circumstances God? Have you ever felt like a failure – like the rest of the world has it figured out and you are the only one who just can’t seem to pull it together? Your will and determination just simply aren’t enough? Your 2 year old won’t let you buckle them in the car, your 3 year old bites, your four year old hits, your 10 year old struggles with reading, your teenager is defiant, or your grown child is making poor decisions and you sit there helpless.
Ecclesiastes 8:14 says “There is something else meaningless that occurs on earth; righteous men who get what the wicked deserve, and wicked men who get what the righteous deserve.”
Have you ever seen a mom of little ones dying of cancer, a young child’s life snuffed out in a car accident, a noble man losing his job while a wicked man succeeds. Do you look around and ask what’s up with this lopsided world? It doesn’t make sense?
"Your 2 year old won't let you buckle them in the car"
That resonates. Thanks for the post, Courtney.
thank you for this today….he cares for me…
What a comforting post. Thanks, Courtney!
This was beautiful!
Nursing doesn't make you a good Mom, loving God and doing what pleases Him does. Your kiddos are blessed to have you! I know these struggles in life right now have a purpose but remembering "He cares for Me" is so comforting, esp. when my children bring me to the pits of humiliation…lol:-) Love you!!
Thanks for this post. I had a very hard time with breat feeding too. I had to go to farmula. I still don't like to talk about it much.
Beautifully written. I am in such circumstances right now. I am trying to remember to stay under the wings of the almighty and remember this scripture:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23
Thank you for the reminder to focus on the TRUTH. I needed that(especially as the mother of a teen). Blessings, Jenny C.
thanks for the wonderful post this morning….just what i needed today.
I have to admit – when I pushed the button to post this blog I felt unsure – was it too "raw" – too honest – too much information? If it encourages a tired mommy today it's all worth it. Your comments have encouraged me and I am thankful now that I posted it. I have the best readers in the world! Thanks!
I loved this post. Beautiful. Thank you Courtney.
Whatever the circumstances and however bad things may appear, He holds us in His hands.
Awesome post. I am sending it to all my weary mom friends. We are mostly military wives and many of us are dealing with separation due to deployment. We get tired and worn out. Your post today is so encouraging. It will be to many of my mom friends as well.
As I get older I see myself experiencing things I never thought I would. Watching a dear friend loose a child, marriages fall apart, and so on.
And through it all I've learned to stop asking why and repeat to myself.. I trust You no matter what.
Beautifully written post, Courtney. Thanks for sharing some of your struggles. Sometimes I feel like I am a big old mess and everyone around me has it all together. This was comforting.
Very comforting indeed. It's good to know that life was unfair even when Solomon was alive.
Sometimes the unfair part is good, though,(there's a Newsboys song about that) We deserve death, and yet Jesus Christ died to give us life, something we didn't deserve at all. God is good!