How to Deal With Differences In Marriage

It's not easy learning to deal with differences in marriage, but it means the difference between having a good or great marriage. #womenLivingWell #marriage #marriagegoals

All marriages deal with differences. If we traded in our marriage for another, we would just be trading problems with this guy – for problems with that guy – because the reality is, all marriages have problems to varying degrees.

Sometimes I wonder why God made men and women so incredibly different.  And while I understand that our differences should make us complement each other – some days it just feels like a huge hurdle.

My husband and I are very, very different people.

I am an extrovert – the more the merrier is my mentality!

He is an introvert – he is very private.

I love social media and social gatherings fill me up!

My husband does not participate in social media, and social gatherings drain him.

I am a very cautious person when it comes to safety.

My husband loves to shoot guns and ride motorcycles and prefers I be on the back of the motorcycle with him…which is not really my cup of tea!

motorcycle riding

He even bought me this jacket……let’s just say, I wear it for him 😉 and pray the entire ride!  I appreciate how he has enhanced my prayer life! Lol!

motorcycle jacket

He has also enhanced my prayer life by taking the kids on very long road trips on the back of his bike. 😉

I like pop music (anything with a beat), Christian and classical piano music (weird mix right? Lol!).

He likes country music and talk radio.

I like Diet Coke.

He drinks Sweet Tea by the gallon.

I prefer new cars – you know with a cup holder and a DVD player.

He loves old classic cars…without cup holders and DVD players.

I love big cities and living in a neighborhood.

He prefers to live on a huge piece of land and not see the neighbors!

I love to sing.

He does not.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg friends.  Our temperaments are very different.  Our family histories are very different. Our school experiences were very different. Our hobbies are very different.

And while I list all these things and wonder how in the world we ended up vowing our lives to each other –“till death do us part,”  I am amazed at how like-minded we are on faith, our view of the world, our morals, values, love for each other and love of family.

I could sit all day and focus on the things that are different between my husband and I and get very frustrated.

Let’s face it – you can’t change a zebra’s stripes. God absolutely changes people from the inside out and I’ve heard testimonies of dramatic changes in marriages where God was at work on sin in their lives…but I don’t foresee my husband’s taste of country music or sweet tea or personality traits, such as loving social gatherings, changing anytime soon.

During different seasons of life, I have tried to get my husband to change. This always brings fights and it’s miserable and he feels disrespected.

Philippians 2:3 -5 says:

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus.”

This is truth!  When we look only toward our  own interests, our own selfish ambitions will ruffle feathers in our marriage and stir up trouble.  We will create misery and though it may feel unintentional – it is very real and it can put a wedge in our marriage.

So how do we deal with differences in marriage?

1.) Do not be selfish. (verse 3)

2.) Humble yourself and look at your husband as more significant than yourself. (verse 3)

3.) Do not discount your husband’s interests. (verse 4)

4.) Have the mind of Christ. (verse 5)

This my friends, is nothing like how the world would advise us.  But this is God’s way.  Number 4 is vital to overcoming the selfishness and pride in marriage.  We must pursue having the mind of Christ.  Christ was humble to the point of death on the cross for us.

Have you humbled yourself and considered laying aside your own interests for the sake of your husband, for the sake of your marriage and for the sake of Christ?

**Chime In: What differences in your marriage has God brought to mind while you were reading this?  Will you selflessly put that issue in the hands of God and trust Him with it?  

And one final thought, when we pray that God changes something about our husband – if it is done in selfishness, most likely it will not be answered. One thing I have learned is to pray for these changes for one reason alone – so that our marriage would be more unified and bring more glory to God by the way we love and care for each other.

Next week, we’ll talk more about unity in marriage but until then – let’s pray humble, selfless prayers that focus on God’s will for our marriage rather than our own will.

Walk with the King,

Courtney

**This post is a part of the…

Embrace[3]

This week’s group marriage challenge is:

Embrace Your Differences – Don’t just tell your husband that you love him today. Tell him some of the reasons you love him.

Today my friends pictured above are also writing on
Embracing Your Differences in Your Marriage.

Darlene Schacht at TimeWarpWife.com Jennifer Smith at UnveiledWife.com Sheila Gregoire at ToLoveHonorandVacuum.com Ashleigh Slater at AshleighSlater.com Lisa Jacobson at Club31Women.com

23 Comments

  1. What an excellent post. I am blogging through the bible and I have to pinch myself. So much meat that I am finding in these verses. I always had a problem with quiet time and discipline, but I have been faithful to my reading because it sounded doable. I’m loving the personal input from you and other ladies. It makes me see God does put people in one’s life for growth,encouragement, and a few giggles. Keeping it Real…..

  2. Courtney I like to sing too! So your post TOTALLY made me think of Toby Mac’s song “Made For Me” which is FULL of opposites like you posted! Here’s the link… such a good song! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyphewNt5y4

    But as for me and my husband, the biggest way we’re different and what I totally respect about him is his long term vision for supporting our family. He is a wonderful provider whereas I think more about this coming week. Glad God made us so different in that way!

    Great post!!!

  3. Hmm…I’m with ya on the Motorcycle thing. Eek!! I’ve taken care of FAR too many motorcycle accident victims. I’d like a Huge piece of land in the country. WHO NEEDS NEIGHBORHORS? Lol! Never shot a gun before. Would like to, I think I need one for personal protection.
    My hubby and I are polar opposites. Im about social media and semi-social. I will talk to you. I love to sing. I love pop music. He’s stuck in the 5O’s. He hates clutter. Dust doesn’t bother him though.

    Lots of work to be done. Marriage is a CONSTANT work in progress.

  4. Differences… we have so many! Your list sounds alot like ours…. complete with motorcycle -jacket too – sweet tea and country music. :). Your advice is so good! When we lay down the selfishness we can see more clearly how to bridge the gaps and build a closer relationship.

  5. My husband and I are very much like Courtney and her husband. Except, he doesn’t have a motorcycle. Yet! My husband is the most private and least talkative person I think I’ve ever met. I’m also fairly introverted, but have such a hard time connecting with others as I feel like I’m not at liberty to talk about our lives/family as I never know what my husband might deem as sharing too much. I certainly don’t go around and spew all the ins/outs of our family life, but I don’t get how I’m supposed to make a real connection with anyone when I feel like I can’t even be myself, which is pretty open with people I feel I can trust.

  6. I really appreciate your article. My husband is not saved, and he considers our differences to be a huge liability (and that I should be more like him); while I consider our differences to be complementary, and I’ve always told him that. Alas. So I pray for his salvation.

  7. Oh Sharon, I can so identify with you on having a hard time connecting with others. I have struggled with this all my life. I feel very guilty about it sometimes as I feel that because I’m a Christian I should be able to talk to others more. We hear so often from the pulpit ” Go and talk to someone you’ve never spoken to before” other than introducing myself, asking their name etc., that’s me lost for conversation. I really feel pathetic sometimes.

  8. I totally can relate to this post, thanks for sharing your heart Courtney! I have always been pretty watchful about not looking to change my spouse (after growing up in a household with a mother that always did this), but recently after 5+ years married we are getting seasoned and dealing with tough stuff, I’m finding myself more regretful that things don’t go “my way” especially when it comes to parenting/finances. I am praying on this and using your Monday’s to help focus my mind back on Christ and love my husband more fully!

  9. There is nothing that burns me up more than my husband falling asleep on me! Let’s talk about how I pout like a baby and move about the bedroom making extra noise to intentionally disturb him! I know, so not becoming!! This has been something that always drove me crazy from early on in marriage but now that I’m home all day alone stuck to the bed or couch I especially look forward to his company. Once he turns on his right side in our bed and his feet start to moving back and forth, sleep falls upon within seconds! This happens in the middle of a show or movie particularly and then as soon I turn it off he miraculously rises from among the sleep and says “what happened”? Ugh…. Can you feel the heat steaming from my body! Although I love my husband very much and he and I share lots of common interest there are several things we do and character traits that are so different. I have spent lots of unproductive ways of trying to get him to do things my way. Trying to get him to change because waiting until the last minute to pull up carpet and paint a nursery is way too late or going outside to clean the gutter an hour before were supposed to have guest over is poor timing! Right?? Whelp, I’ve come to realize three things.. One, no matter how much I complain, nag or show him my annoyance about these things it hasn’t changed him. Two, one of the great things that attracted me to him was how different he was. I loved that fact that I’ve never dated anyone like him. His passion for God spoke volumes, his admiration for me was captivating, and his genuine care and concern for people esp. those hurting and lost was admirable. The third and final piece I’m just now getting, is that my husband is a child of God! He’s been brought with a price and held accountable for all that he does and doesn’t do! While my prayer should always be for him to be used and totally submitted to God it shouldn’t necessarily be “God make him more like this or me “for that matter! As I reflect on the scripture, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”Isaiah 55:8-9 . I am left to not try and make my husband do things as I would do them or be completely compatible in such silly things like staying up later. But I must trust that how God has made him …even the things that drive me bonkers , is all in his plans for him! I can’t begin to fathom what and how God will continue to use him and do in his life personally as a husband and soon to be father! So instead of wishing away our differences and wishing him more like this or that I will submit my thoughts to how and who my husband should or shouldn’t be, to the One who’s thoughts and ways are higher than I could ever imagine!

  10. Courtney, how I loved this post! It was so much fun learning a little bit more about you! (I don’t think your taste in music is weird…mine is similar though I don’t mind country 🙂 Love the motor cycle jacket…not sure I’d like to be on the back of a bike either but I love how you love your husband enough to do it!

    It took me too many years to see the truth in this. My husband could sit and look at sports for hours…not my cup of tea. I would get upset that he hogged the television but more that he wouldn’t spend time with me. I’d grumble that I had to take care of the children all day and when night rolled around he’d be in front of that stupid tv and I’d be ignored. Well, we both grew up and, though there are times when he slips back into these habits (mainly when he’s stressed at work and wants to just sit numbly staring at a tv) he’s learned to compromise too and we’ve found things we like to do together. Occasionally when on vacation I’ll go sit with him while he tries to catch a fish..I even bought him a new rod a couple of years ago (still hasn’t caught one). I have learned the value of doing the things he wants sometimes which has encouraged him to give in to me as well. Truth be told…I sorta learned it from you a few years ago..thanks Courtney! <3

  11. I think you and your husband share the most important trait: your faith. I wish more than anything that my husband was a believer. But alas, maybe that’s why God put us together…so I can be a living example of what a Christian is. My husband and I have many differences: age, generation, music, faith, and more. But the one thing we do share is a slightly twisted sense of humor And as nuts as he makes me, he also makes me laugh like no one else.

  12. Very good, Christlike things to consider about marriage and our husbands! Gives me in new perspective in how I should pray for my husband. In our marriage, my husband is the extrovert that I wish I could sometimes be. Oh well, such is life that opposites attract! 🙂
    Appreciate this post!
    God bless,
    Rosalyn

  13. LOVED, LOVED, LOVED this!! I think the scripture and outline you gave are so vital to remember in marriage, that I have written this in the front flap of my Bible so that I am reminded everyday! This is something that needs to be shared with our daughters as well as we train them for their day of being a wife. Thank you SO much for sharing this today!

  14. I enjoyed reading this post. My husband and I got married 3 years ago and we were both married before. One of our strongest points together is that we learned all about compromise (or the lack thereof) in our first marriages. I thank God every day that he brought us together. We have a huge list of differences but we also learn a lot from each other. We both listen to the other and try our hardest to stop and put the other one first. That said, it is definitely not easy to do. I came into the relationship almost ready for a fight – ready to say see I’m right! But instead, God humbled me greatly by giving me a good man and taught me that I don’t always need to be on the defensive. And now, because of the many blessings and lessons God has given me, I am able to be the encouraging and supportive wife and stand beside my husband whatever comes our way……even if he does complain about my driving! 🙂

  15. I was preparing for Sunday School this last weekend and the lesson was all about unity within the church. I couldn’t help but think about unity in our marriage. One of the things that God spoke into my heart while preparing the lesson was the importance of keeping things in perspective. In the scheme of things, most of those little differences between my husband and I (like you and your husband, we are VERY different people with different backgrounds and personalities) don’t really matter. At least, they aren’t of eternal importance. And it has helped me a lot over the years to try and weigh things against things that are of eternal importance. It helps keep things in perspective when our human emotions get going and turn small disagreements into huge issues.

  16. I had to laugh when I read this post…my husband also likes to shoot guns and ride motorcycles (with me on the back). He asked me if I enjoyed it one time after we rode in on a date. I told him truthfully all I’m thinking when we are going down the road is how bad am I going to get hurt if we crash at this speed…ha!!! But I ride with him because he enjoys it and he loves me to go with him. I’m thankful for a christian husband who provides for us. The rest I will have to let go and let God!!!!

  17. This really hits me. I have been praying for change in my husband our whole marriage (all 3.5 years 😉 ) and I have been recently convicted that I was praying selfishly. I have been working on changing my motives, but it is hard to do something you have always done like that, yet for a different reason. We are really different like you guys (down to social gatherings and motor bikes) but I’m discovering more differences spiritually too. He doesn’t see any reason to change, to examine himself, to root out sin, to become better/more Christ like, and that is what I live for.

    1. Kaelin – Andria! I can’t tell you enough how much of a bessling you were to us. Not just your amazing skills But your wonderful, relaxed, joyful presence. I love what I’ve seen so far and I am so very excited to see the rest of the pictures! I know you were able to capture all of the joy of this amazing time for us. You’re such a gem and we’re so thankful for all of your hard work!

  18. I try so hard to have a mind like Christmas when it comes to my marriage, but I feel unappreciated, taken advantage of, and like I’m the only one trying and working on our relationship. It saddens my heart because our problems do not get solved and his nonchalant attitude makes it worse. And I talk to him all the time. The conflict I have is I feel like I’m betraying my self.

  19. Oh my goodness Courtney, I’ve been going through the archives on Marriage and I could have written this post nearly word for word! Except the country music and sweet tea, you’ve described me and my husband to the letter. I also used to pray on the back of the motorcycle! Lol! Now he’s sold the motorcycle and has bought a boat. I did not like the boat when he bought it, but he got it so we can go out on it as a family, whereas we couldn’t take the kids on the motorcycle. I’ve learned to like the boat, lol, but he likes rougher seas and I definitely don’t!!! Not hugely rough, but he’ll put up with a few waves to catch some fish. I cling to the side of the boat and pray – a lot. I’m with you on being super safe and cautious.

  20. My relationship is complicated as my husband to be is overseas in a war zone. I can’t for the life of me get him to open up and tell me more about himself and as for me I’m an open book and bruthe ally honest and tell him everything about my life including my past. This secrecy is very unnerving as how am I to get to know him better if he doesn’t open up to me as I have to him. I love him so much because he’s such an amazing awesome man who continously inspires me to be a better Christian person. But like Iris says how she feels unappreciated…. I feel as if I’m being taken for granted as I’m always emailing him all of the time & while the time difference is he is 8 hours ahead… I stay awake at night so we can email each other but yet I am resentful because he doesn’t do the same for me! Right now I am not talking to him as he has tried to call me three times but for fear of him scolding me like a parent does a small child (as he has done before when I have talked negatively about myself… I have learned my lesson well to not disrespect him by only talking negatively about myself), it seems that no matter what I say or do he makes me feel like I’m always at fault or always wtong. But I’m the one who has always emailed him telling him that I hope that he has a good rest/sleep, tell him good morning and how much I love him and how he inspires me to be a better Christian person. Complement him continously, he says that I have no patience for him but there have been times where I didn’t hear from him in almost 24 hours(twice in the past week!) and I was very patient. I just got some disturbing news from him that he’s hurting really bad in his lower abdomen and thinks it’s food poisoning, my gosh I can’t believe that this man always forgives me of all of my faults and my negativity, sometimes I feel so unworthy of his love for me as I have been going through a lot of very personal trauma in the last two years. I’m trying very hard to get him to understand that I have bouts of depression and self hatred because my mom verbally abused me when I was growing up and he had once said that I’m not a child anymore but verbal abuse scars you for life… when things start going wrong I start blaming myself. It’s a vicious cycle where I get angry and upset and then not much later I start hating myself and beating up on myself(literally and verbally) I hate feeling this way and my husband to be says that it hurts him to hear me talk negatively about myself so I know that he really loves me . We have a very strong spiritual connection and there are times believe it or not that I can feel his pain too or have visions of things he has done already. .. like running on the treadmill (the other night I had visions of water and was so thirsty all night… he was sick with a cold and thirsty all night too!), I had the vision of someone jogging or running. And now my left lower abdomen is hurting really bad too… he called me too and I could hear the pain in his voice as he was crying out that it hurt so badly. I used to think that I was very sensitive but he’s much more sensitive than I am. Please pray for us as there are reasons why he is unable to come home to me, I’m truly blessed to have such an amazing awesome man who loves me, adores me. I fear everyday for his life and have been praying to God to watch over him and bring him home to me if that’s his will. My husband to be has already went through several food poisonings as well as being shot accidentally back in October. I pray for peace and a miracle to bring him home safe and sound into my waiting arms. He’s not in the service but is an Avionics Engineer Expert on a contract with the US Army but has requested vacation leave and is still waiting for his leave.

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