Respecting Your Husband {In Opposite World}

respecting your husband picture 2 

Many sitcoms play on the idea that men are stupid and if they didn’t have their intelligent wife to help them think clearly –they’d be in BIG trouble.  The wife is smart, strong and has it all together.  She keeps the family together and really the husband is only needed for a goofy laugh.  She uses sarcasm and eye rolling to show her disrespect. And this goes both ways.  There are some sitcoms that make the men look fun-loving and hard working and the women stay home, whine, complain and have no sense of humor…at all.

The reality –Opposite World does not portray a Biblical marriage –so we can’t follow Opposite World

And so, I was at a get together recently and a wife pulled me aside with her husband.  They had a question for me. 

She asked, “would you ever say, ‘Just wait a minute buddy’ to your husband?”

Uh Oh – I could tell I was in the middle of a marital conversation and I certainly did not want to answer this wrong and be in hot water.  But I was honest, “If I were running late and being rushed, I would probably say – ‘just wait a minute.’  But the word ‘buddy’ on the end.  That could be fightin’ words in my house.”

Now I don’t think that she put the word ‘buddy’ at the end to disrespect her husband but it felt disrespectful to him.  And I can tell you, that would feel disrespectful to my husband also and here’s the tricky part…

We wives do not get to define what feels respectful or disrespectful to our husbands…our husbands get to define that for us.

And vice versa, we should be able to define for our husbands what things they say and do that make us feel loved or unloved.

Every husband must love his wife as he loves himself, and wives should respect their husbands.
~Ephesians 5:33

I’ve said plenty of things in my marriage that were not from a heart of disrespect but made my husband bristle.  I’ve had to learn where his sensitivities lie and how my words come across to him. Because choosing to obey God’s command in Ephesians 5 and respect my husband, is really not about my husband at all. 

It’s about who God is and his commands.

It’s about who I am and my character.

It’s about controlling my tongue and mannerisms.

It’s about the grace I’ve received from God that I freely give to my husband.

It’s about keeping my word and the vows I made at the marriage altar.

It’s about heart issues and sin I need to confess.

It’s about not focusing on the flaws or short comings of my husband but focusing on all of the day in and day out ways he blesses us.

I think it’s important I emphasize that God does not command women to give respect and high esteem freely to the whole male population. 

This is a special respect that wives are called to give specifically to their husbands.

And yet, I find that in Opposite World, women balk at respecting their husbands while they go to work and respect their bosses or go to church and respect their pastors or go to the gym and respect their trainer or well, –you get the idea. 

And I wonder, why is it they are so willing to respect other men but the man they make love to and is the father of their children –no way.  They try to control him, criticize him,  mother him and treat him as their extra child…but then they are frustrated and exhausted with the man their husband has become. 

We all know the saying –behind every great man is a great woman.  I believe that our men stand taller with a wife who is their biggest fan.  And I know when our husbands got on one knee and proposed –we thought so highly of them – we said “yes“!  We loved who they were and who we dreamed they’d become…but some husbands have failed to deliver. Maybe our expectations of marriage and our husband were too high.  Or maybe, he’s just not what we thought we married.

But this is where the road gets bumpy and in Opposite World – you’ll be told to check out!  But that’s not in God’s plan for marriage…this is when you check in.  This is when I Corinthians 13 and true love is lived out.  This is when we walk in the Spirit and practice love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  This is when we lean hard on God and Opposite World takes a second look at you as a wife and says “there’s something different there.”  This is when we protect our marriage by respecting our husband and not airing out all his issues to all of our friends. This is when you are the light of the world.  When you stay in the trenches and you fight for your marriage and you obey God’s word and you pray and you wait on God to show up and work a miracle in your marriage. 

 Dr. Emerson Eggerich says “No husband feels fond feelings of affection and love in his heart when he believes his wife has contempt for who he is as a human being. Ironically, the deepest need of the wife – to feel loved – is undermined by her disrespect.”

 In the end, showing respect is a choice we make in obedience to God. When we push our husband away through disrespectful behavior – we are pushing the Lord away. Don’t assume because your husband quietly accepts your sarcasm or competitive spirit that he feels respected. He just may not have the heart to tell you the truth because he loves you so much. 
 
Now, let’s do something completely counter cultural, wrap your arms around your man and tell him –you respect and admire him!  Now watch him walk away just a little bit taller.

Walk with the King,

 

**Dear wounded one, are in you a relationship where your husband is abusive or unfaithful? This post is not for you.  Please seek counseling or outside help.  God is not calling you to stay in a dangerous marriage and respect a man who is putting you or your little ones in danger.  Matthew 19:9 clearly states that divorce is permissable in the case of marital unfaithfulness. If you have no one to turn to – I encourage you to use Focus on the Family’s free counseling hotline: 1-800-232-6459.

5 Ways to Worry Less About Your Husband’s Safety

Some of us have husbands with very dangerous jobs like roofers, police officers, firemen, military men, loggers, fishermen, construction workers, electricians, steel workers, miners, ranchers, truckers, pilots and more.

Some of us have husbands with dangerous hobbies like skydiving, mountain climbing, white water rafting, biking, hunting, full contact sports, wood carving and more.

And let’s be honest, while our men are out slaying their dragons, our minds can wander to that place –that place where we imagine the worst case scenario.

Over the years, my husband has taken up many jobs and hobbies that have given me reasonable cause for worry.

One sport he loved back when the kids were very small was Mixed Martial Arts (MMA).  After some injuries, a broken nose (as seen in the above photo –somebody missed a block from a black belt) and surgery he shelved that sport (thank goodness).  But it sure did give me a lot of reasons to wring my hands in worry.

Another hobby he enjoyed since the day I met him was flying.  His father was a pilot and he flew with him a lot –so he got his license at age 17.  When I met him –he was already flying. The job of a pilot is ranked 3rd most dangerous in the list of most dangerous jobs of 2012 on multiple websites. My husband is not a commercial pilot but he flies for business.  When the sky looks cloudy, windy, stormy, and snowy –my heart skips a beat and I say a silent prayer, “Lord, please protect Keith.”  Sometimes he takes our son as his co-pilot, and I worry.  How could I ever go foward in life if I lost my boys? I just couldn’t…

Then there’s truck driving that he does for His business from time to time.  Just last week he drove a truck 400 miles in icy, east coast conditions and I prayed –actually we prayed. My kids are quite the little prayer warriors for Daddy.

The photo below shows my son sitting on an oversized truck that daddy had just driven home, hundreds of miles through a large city.

How do I handle all this worry and anxiety?

1. Pray. Pray. Pray. 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6,7 NIV

As I said above, we pray a ton for Daddy.  When I feel anxious –I hand it over to God.  This was not a burden I was meant to carry, it’s just too much to bear somedays.  I have to pray to find peace.  And God is faithful and he always delivers peace just in time. 

2.  Trust.

“When I am afraid, I will trust in you.” Psalm 56:3NIV

“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.” Isaiah 26:3

After praying, I have to choose to trust God.  I know that He is sovereign and in control of all things. If this is the appointed time for death or a trial in our lives –nothing we do, can thwart that.  God is in control and will see us through the good and bad times.  I can rest in knowing that my husband is in great, mighty, and loving hands.

3. Listen to praise and worship music.

“Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together. I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:3,4

I can’t worry and sing praises at the same time.  Singing and setting my mind on God takes my eyes off of what I’m worrying about and sets my heart free to have peace.  I have found much peace of mind through soft worship music playing in my house.

4. Know God’s Word.

“I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” Psalm 119:11

Worry is a sin :(  because it means that we are not trusting God.  When I am in God’s word, meditating and memorizing –I have the tools to combat worry.  Knowing God’s word is key to overcoming our fears and anxiety. 

5.Use it to bless others

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
2 Corinthians 1:3,4 NIV

God wants to use our trials to bless others.  After he comforts us, he wants us to serve others by comforting them.  Serving for me has been a huge outlet that has turned my trial into a joy. 

*Give thanks.

 ”Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.” Psalm 107:1

Everytime my husband returns safely – I give thanks.  God continues to answer our prayers and I am so grateful that he does. 

There are no guarantees in life.  Just as I worry about my husband –there are many other causes for worry in life.  I have found that the above list helps me in the face of all my trials.  It’s a daily discipline of praying, trusting, worshiping, and being in God’s word that brings us through our trials with joy and peace.

 **Chime In: What are you worried about today and how has God helped you find peace in the midst of your fears?

Walk with the King,

 

 

 

How To Maintain Your Marriage When Your Husband Travels – Part 2

In Part 1 – I laid out all my personal struggles with my husband traveling…the loneliness, the hardships of having to manage the children and emergencies alone, the fears and exhaustion and even the underlying bitterness from seeing other couples together while we were apart.

I was honestly surprised by the response! I had no idea there were so many of us out there experiencing the SAME thing.

I mentioned that I “felt” like a single mom…but I’m NOT.  Single moms do not have a provider or a man coming home soon to father their children.  I cannot pretend to know the depth of their trials.  The small taste I have had of running the show alone gives me a deep respect for single moms across the globe who daily press on for the sake of their children.  You all amaze me! {and I wish I could give you a long hug and look you in the eye and say -”God is with you, keep leaning on him for strength.  He has helped me and I know he will help you too.”}

Now let’s turn the tables and take a look at our husbands.

Why are they traveling?  To work…to provide a paycheck, home, clothes and food for their family. This is a good and noble thing.  I Timothy 5:8 says, If anyone does not provide for his family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. So our husbands working is a good thing and don’t let the critics steal that honor from your husband.

Is traveling easier than the work we do at home while they are gone?  {I tend to focus on the one steak dinner he had and forget the other 4 nights he had Burger King}…

It’s not easy catching flights, sitting in airports for hours trapped, or driving long distances sometimes late into the night in snow storms, finding their hotel and living out of a suitcase for a week, hearing about their child’s little league games and carrying the guilt of having to miss them.  Then there’s the actual business they are carrying out while they are gone –a man’s work has many challenges including dealing with co-workers whose personalities are hard, customers who can be difficult to please, or bosses who are less than reasonable.  Sometimes the work they went to do goes sour – the deal falls through or the project they were working on is a failure…

And they come home to us – tired and exhausted.

But what they find is their wife –tired and exhausted too.

And if we aren’t careful, this is a recipe for a disaster in marriage.  I’ve been there – I’ve been ready to break out for the weekend and party! And he just wants to watch football all.day.long. 

Hold it right there mister!  You mean you leave all week and I support your endeavors and now you are not catering to me and my desires!!!  Let World War 3 begin!!!!

Marriage takes team work and for it to work we have to get ON our husband’s team. 

We have to look outside our selfish desires and look to the needs of our husband.  I think it is important that we do voice our needs…but if we are voicing them to the point of WW3…then pull back.  Let it go for a while. 

Here’s is how we have maintained our marriage while my husband is away:

1.  We talk daily. Every single night that my husband is out of town we talk on the phone.  We usually call him before the kids are in bed and he talks to each of them and they share their favorite part of their day and chat a little.  Then after the kids are in bed – we talk.  Our norm is to talk for about 1 hour.  Some nights he can’t – so we talk 5 minutes – other nights we get carried away and talk 2 hours. But we NEVER go a day without talking.

2.  I choose to not get bitter.  Bitterness can creep into every crevice that you allow!  Banish it!  I do not waste energy dreaming of him being here and or how our lives would be better if he didn’t travel.  This is my life and I will choose joy.

3.  I Choose contentment.  The grass will always seem greener if you choose to envy other people’s grass.  But rather than looking around at everyone else, I have to work on watering and fertilizing my own grass to keep it green and choosing contentment is the first step.

4.  I’m thankful for a working man.  So many women long to have a good man in their life who loves them and their children and who is willing to work and bring a pay check home.  Be thankful your man is out slaying dragons for his family.

5.  I take care of myself physically, spiritually and emotionally.  I learned long ago that no one was going to say to me “sit down and take a break” or “go take a bubble bath and read a good book.”  I had to choose to make sure that I took care of myself so I had more to give to my kids while my husband was away.  For a short season in life, I even got a babysitter to come one day a week for just 3 hours while my kids napped in the afternoon.  I used these three hours to run a few errands without kids attached to my hip and then I always ended with 30 minutes at Starbucks or the library reading a good book.  I was pro-active and I blessed myself. lol! (remember bubble baths are FREE and a great stress reliever!!!)

5.  Turn to God for all your needs This is a BIG one!  I know what’s like to feel lonely.  Job and Elijah felt so alone they wanted to die. Jeremiah wished he had never even been born. Satan can use this time to enter sinful thoughts into our minds such as self pity, self-centeredness, bitterness, anger, and jealousy. We may attempt to put a band aid on the pain by turning to the television, alcohol, shopping, binge eating, or excessive computer time.  But, the only comfort I ever found was in releasing my needs to God in prayer and then trusting God. It has been in my trusting and delighting – that God has filled the God shaped hole inside of me, to the brim.

 6.  We’re his greatest fans!  Before my husband leaves I always know his schedule.  Daily the children and I pray over the specific meetings, challenges, customers and appointments he has.  This keeps me feeling like I’m on the same team.  I like to help him pack and we always stand and wave on the porch – and he honks as he pulls out the driveway.

When the children were little and had no understanding of time, we would count down “sleeps” until daddy was home.  If there were 3 days left till he’d be home, I’d say three more sleeps till daddy’s home.  If they were still nappers, I’d say 6 more sleeps until daddy’s home.   We also text photos and facetime him. 

And I try to look on the bright side…for me, when he travels that means I can spend all evening on my computer socializing and blogging – wooohoo!!!  God has used my husband’s travels for good ;)

 **Chime In: How do you maintain your marriage while your husband is away?

Walk with the King,

 

 

 

 

How To Maintain Your Marriage When Your Husband Travels – Part 1

During the Valentine Challenge, I had quite a few women mention that their husband’s were away either in the military or traveling for business.  And I want to say – I know the life of being married to a traveling man.

My husband’s heaviest year of travel was back in 2007 when he was away for a total of 210 days on business.  He traveled Monday through Friday and was home on Saturdays and Sundays – that adds up to 7 months away that year.  At the time, my children were ages 18 months and 3 years old.

I know how hard it is to wake up Friday morning and realize the only adult I spoke to was 3 days ago at Bible Study or the cashier in the grocery store (well it wasn’t much of a converstion - I was probably apologizing to the lady for my child’s wild behavior. lol!)  I know how hard it is to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with little people who can’t carry a conversation…and the chair at the head of the table –empty.  

I know the burden, boredom and sadness of long lonely days without daddy home. 

I know what it’s like to “feel” like a single mom – all the educating, disciplining, spiritual training, boo boo kissing and cooking and cleaning and emergencies were handled by me alone.  I know what it’s like to have the heater break while it’s 20 degrees out and not be able to figure it out – so I plugged in space heaters and prayed for morning to come quickly. 

I know what it’s like to live in fear of someone breaking into the house at night…when you hear that sound that is mysterious and know – it’s up to me to protect everyone in the house.  I know what it’s like for your husband to come home exhausted and all he wants to do is rest and stay home – while inside I cry because I’ve been stuck at home with the kids all week and all I want to do is go somewhere fun!!!  

I know what it’s like for my husband to be out eating fancy steak dinners and going interesting places while we sat at home eating spaghettios and watching Barney.  I know!

I know what it’s like to watch other couples enjoying fellowship together while my husband is away and does not have the time or energy for casual friendships with other couples.  I know!

I know what it’s like to go to the garage in the morning – after wrestling the children into their clothes and find the garage door frozen solid shut –and cry…because there’s no man of the house to bail me out…

I know what it’s like to feel like a burden on others when you need help.  I called my wonderful dad, he came and in the freezing cold – chipped the ice away for me while running a blow dryer on it. Three cheers for a great dad – but I hate being a burden on others because of our life choices.

I know what it’s like to be alone on a Sunday morning getting the kids ready for church…driving there…parking super far out in the parking lot because I was running late – then walking in on ice, in slippery shoes, carrying a baby and trying to wrangle a toddler and making it into the service and just wanting to lay down on the pew for a rest because getting the kids there was so exhausting. But I put on a smile and press on – for the kids sake, for my husband’s sake – for my own sake.

I know.

I know what it’s like to come home and find a mouse alive – in a trap – in the middle of my kitchen floor because some how it squirmed out from the pantry closet and there it sits with it’s beedy eyes staring at me and there’s no man to dispose of it! @#$@! BAH!  Now I should have put a bucket over it and waited 3 days for my husband to come home – but the kids were screaming and on the counter and I was disgusted so…I got the dust pan – put it over it – and then stepped on it – DUH!!!  Big no no – it’s not a bug – you should not attempt to squish a mouse to death!!!!!! (just stating this for the record)…but I did – and blood splattered everywhere…

So I took a bad situation and made it WAY worse – I KNOW!  I know what it’s like to not know how to handle everything thrown your way and cry because you just want your man to come home!

I know!

And so…this Friday, I’ll share with you – how I made it through those years…and be glad this post is too long already - so you don’t have to hear the story about when the bat was in our house flying around - another @#$!@ moment!!! Or when I came home, opened the door and the house was completely filled with smoke AHHHHH! Or the multiple trips to the emergency room for things such as swallowing strange objects or my daughter’s teeth being knocked out - for some reason these emergencies only seem to happen when he is gone :( !

Friends, I really do know.  If you are in this place today my heart goes out to you.

To be continued…{this Friday I will post Part 2}

**Chime In: Are you in this place right now – how has God helped you through these hard times?

Walk with the King,