10 Ways to Rekindle Intimacy In Your Marriage {Song of Solomon 1-3}

Is intimacy in your marriage waning? Here are ten ways the Song of Solomon shows you how you can rekindle intimacy in your marriage. #Biblestudy #SongofSolomon #WomensBibleStudy #GoodMorningGirls

We live in a culture where sex has been twisted, perverted, and redefined.  The culture is saturated  to the point that children need to be taught the birds and bees at a very young age to avoid Google teaching them what parents ought to teach them.

Porn is prevalent – it’s out of control.  It dominates the internet and is said to get more visitors each month than Netflix, Amazon and Twitter combined.

Those who value purity are few.

Sadly, the next generation will miss out on understanding the beauty and symbolism of what God created and intended sex to be because of the unending lies of the enemy.

So this week, we will hold up the book of Song of Solomon as a bright light in a very dark world.

What is significant about Song of Solomon is that it is poetry.  The language used guards the privacy of the marriage bed and keeps this book of the Bible from giving explicit details while still encouraging us to freely explore and enjoy our spouse.  Let me remind you that this lovely book is also an allegory of God’s love for his people.  As we look at these points below – remember this is how much God loves you and may we respond to that love in the same way the bride responds to her groom.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”  This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
(Ephesians 5:31,32)

10 Ways to Rekindle Intimacy in Your Marriage

Solomon 1

In Solomon chapter 1 we are introduced to the bride and the groom.

1.) They use endearing terms for one another.

The word “beloved” is used 31 times in Song of Solomon.

Application:  What terms of endearment do you use for your spouse?  Did you call him honey, hottie, or handsome in the past and somewhere that has fizzled out?  Use a term of endearment today when you speak or text your husband.  Let him know how much you adore him.

2.) She enjoys kissing her beloved.

“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine.” (v.2)

Application: Their kisses and love were intoxicating.  Is this how you feel about your husband’s kisses and love? In some seasons of life, kissing can get brushed aside.  Watch this video I made with Dr. David Clark regarding kissing your way to a better marriage.  I’m giggly (nervous) and chewing gum (my apologies) but the 50 second message is right on point! You have to hear this!

Wives, lay one on him tonight!

3.) She loves his name!

“your name is oil poured out.” (v3)

Application: In those times oil was expensive and valuable.  She values the name of her husband.  It speaks of who he is – his character and strength. I love the name Keith Joseph!  Tell your husband how much you love his name and how glad you are that he is yours.

4.) She is insecure about her appearance but this does not get in the way of their lovemaking.

“Do not gaze at me because I am dark because the sun has looked upon me.” (v 6)

Application:  We all have insecurities. There is not a woman I know who does not have at least one thing she would change about her body but this must not get in the way of our lovemaking.  I know it can be tempting to want the lights very very low but remember men are visual. God made them that way – it is not something to disdain in them but rather to accept and embrace. Be confident – your husband chose you over everyone else in the world and he loves seeing you!

5.) She seeks him out for an afternoon of fun.

“Tell me, you whom my soul loves; where you pasture your flock, where you make it lie down at noon.” (v7)

Application: She is seeking out her love. She wants to know where he’ll be at noon so she can steal a kiss midday!  Look at the calendar – perhaps you can arrange a time to meet your husband midday and bless him with your kisses!

Solomon 2

6.) She praises him as the finest man she knows.

“As an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men.” (v3)

Application:  When she considers all the men “of the forest” she says he is the finest…or “an apple tree.”  Our husband’s should know they are #1 in our lives – there is none that surpasses them or even comes close!

7.) She encourages others who are single to remain pure.

“O Daughters of Jerusalmen…Do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” (v.7)

Application: As this bride enjoys her groom she pauses to remind her single friends…remain pure.  She longs for every bride to experience the joy and the freedom that God intended couples to have inside of marriage.

8.) She asks him to catch the little foxes.

“Catch the foxes for us; the little foxes that spoil the vineyards.” (v 15)

Application: In those times, foxes would dig holes that would loosen the roots of the vines and spoil the vineyard.  In our marriages, there are little things that get in the way of our lovemaking and spoil this sacred time together.  The bride asked her husband to help her catch them – or stop this problem.  Perhaps you need to ask your husband to do some fox hunting for you – maybe the kids or anger or communication issues or porn or health issues or overworking are getting in the way of your enjoyment in the bedroom. Discuss these issues with your husband.  Do not let this go on and on until you sleep 6 inches from your husband but feel like you are miles apart. Catch these foxes before your vineyard is spoiled.

Solomon 3

9.)  She longs to be with her lover.  Being away from him is intolerable – she needs him!

“Have you seen him whom my soul loves?”  Scarcely had I passed them when I found him whom my soul loves. I held him, and would not let him go.” (v 3,4)

Application:  Do not be afraid to say you “need” your husband. Our men need to hear this.  Being a strong woman is good – but being a strong independent woman…inside of marriage will damage intimacy.  Hold him tightly and let him know how much you are glad he is in your life.

10.) She remembers and treasures her wedding day.

“Go out, O daughters of Zion, and look upon King Solomon, with the crown with which his mother crowned him on the day of his wedding, on the day of the gladness of his heart.”

Application:  In this passage, she reflects on her marriage ceremony.  Pause and reflect.  Do you remember your vows? They probably went something like this:

“I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge myself to you.”

Our vows were our covenant promise to our husband.  On our wedding day we assumed the days ahead held good things…but sometimes they don’t.

When worse happens, we must keep our vow.

When poorer happens, we must keep our vow.

When sickness happens, we must keep our vow.

Let’s close with these thoughts from John Piper on this passage of Song of Solomon:

“The Song of Solomon confronts us with the challenge not just of literary allegory, but of life allegory.

It calls us to look into and through the physical pleasures of sex both in Solomon’s song and in our bedroom. In other words, it is not just that this song is really physical and also points to something spiritual in relationship to God and the Church, but that life is physical and points to something spiritual. In other words, the literary sex and the real sex are both allegorical.

God didn’t just give us the Song of Solomon to show us something of his love. He gave us sex to show us something of his love.

Let’s enjoy the freedom God has given us inside of marriage.

**Chime In**

Which of the 10 ways are you already doing in your marriage?

Which of the 10 ways is a struggle for you?

I’d say I have some work to do with #4 and #5.

Let’s work on these together!  Pick one and commit to doing it this week for your husband!

Walk with the King,



  1. Number 6 seems to be my area of weakness. I know how much he needs it and have always tried to fulfill that need but he is a very melancholy kind of guy and doesn’t take it well so I have not been trying as hard anymore. Even though because of his melancholic personality he needs it more from me than anyone.
    The rest are pretty even on my effort, some of them such as the kisses verses pecks he struggles with more than I do, we have had many fun conversations about his tendency to peck me when I want saliva… lol.. but the conversation really is a fun one not a negative one when it comes up.

  2. Good morning Courtney,
    I’ve been looking forward to today’s post! Thanks so much for this study.
    I need to work on #4 & #8. My husband and I will celebrate our 39th Anniversary this October. And with so many years we (I) tend to take things for granted. I will do my best to apply these principles, because I am committed to a “till death do us part” marriage.

    1. I read your comment a few times…and just hate this for you. I will be praying that you get more than a peck on your cheek…and that hubby’s heart can be molded to show you the love you deserve. Don’t give up on him!

  3. #4 that’s for sure, I have a ton of insecurities coming my way and sometimes I just do not feel sexy enough to do anything with my husband, no matter HOW many times he says I am beautiful, sexy or calls me by my nick name, I just wish to feel as beautiful as I did on my wedding day and night, sexy. To say I am not good enough or sexy enough. His affection towards me makes me feel great, but I am very scared for what comes next because I am insecure in my own skin. DEFINITELY need to work on that in my life. I also need work on number 6&7.

    Number 6 because we need to address this early in our marriage we are going on a year and a half now. I get scared to even say something that I feel may not work because of how he may take it again going back to insecurity (which I am very much working on I have a blog and everything to help me out with this).

    and number 7 because I need to tell them to wait and encourage them to really think about it before, if you are not going to be with this man forever and there is no ring coming in the future, don’t. I really need to work on the encouragement for younger couples and individuals.

    As for the peck, NEVER if I feel a kiss is not good enough I say “no way! Come here you sexy man!” and lay a big one on him. Both smiling and laughing excited to see each other once again. If a kiss does not last for more than ten seconds, its not a kiss.

  4. Sadly, I’d have to say #1, 2, and 3. I had breast cancer at age 34, and with the chemo and hysterectomy, I went into menopause and have since then had zero interest in intimacy. So the pecks don’t bother me, in fact that’s probably all I’m interested in, and I hate that. I know my husband needs more. I guess I feel like if I give a little, if I talk sweetly to him, it will open the door to sex which i just am not interested in. So it’s completely selfish of me I know. I would appreciate prayers for all 3 of these items on the list. (I’m sure my husband would appreciate them to-haha!)

    1. I just prayed for you Christy.

      I hope God can help you find what is missing, so that you can freely give yourself to your Husband again.

      I don’t know what you’re going through, but I truly believe HE can help you find what you need to WANT to be with your Husband again when he needs & wants you.

      HE can shows you what will make you passionate for him again.

    2. Hi Christy. I just prayed for you too. The verse that came to mind was Joel 2:25, the Lord restores what the locust has eaten.

    3. Christy, I can relate to this so much! My hubby and I were only just dating for a little less than 2 years when I was diagnosed (age 24) with Stage IV Breast Cancer. I suffer thru quite a bit of these, actually. There are a lot of things that Breast Cancer robbed me of over the past 3 years but it’s nothing related to saddness I feel over all that he has been robbed of as far as intimacy, infertility, and everything else that Menopause, Mastectomies, etc. take (or gives) from our Men. With the never ending rise in woman getting breast cancer, I can only hope and pray they find a way to treat breast cancer in a way that doesn’t include shutting off “the switch.” Praying with you and For you!

      1. I love this community! Thanks Courtney. My dear SIL was diagnosed with stage IV BC after 4 years of marriage and they were in their late thirties. With a toddler and a new baby to raise, they agreed that she would not have to go through reconstruction after the double mastectomies. As she has been in remission for 10 years+ now, they have grown strong in their marriage and they are the most fun couple to be with. Yes, it is hard but their wonderful friendship to each other is so precious. They don’t let BC define them. She truly inspires me to love life with what’s given to you.

  5. Thank you so much for this post, Courtney! After 27 years of marriage, my husband and I still are like newlyweds, but this post is such a wonderful reminder of what we need to do keep our marriage fire burning. I know so many women need to hear this message, and will be praying that God may use this to help them in their marriage.

  6. Ye ole #8……a many a marriages have disintegrated because of these sneaky foxes!
    We must be vigilant in keeping those sneaky things away. Our families are being torn asunder at an alarming rate!

  7. As a widow of nearly 2 years, I can look back and see the things we did right. And things I can improve on even now. I am looking forward to meeting the next husband that God has for me and taking this time to study. I desire to stay in the “wife” mindset as it tends to keep me faithful. It’s interesting the books that God has been leading me through lately. It will be fun to see how He intends to use these teachings in my life and the lives of those around me!

    God Bless!

  8. I really am seeing this book, and my marriage, in a slightly different way. This book is an allegory–but so is my marriage! I never thought of it so powerfully before! My marriage is designed to show others how God’s love works.

    Numbers 5, 6 and 7 are ones I should improve–I don’t broadcast my husband’s great name as much as I should, and afternoon time is tough when he works in another city from where I work. I don’t let single people know how truly sacred it is to be intimate with that special person who will be my forever partner and lover. (I didn’t do this by God’s design myself, so that is a tough one.)

    Number 4–I have pretty much gotten over that one! I am FAR from the most glamorous thing in the world, but it all works for my husband, so there is no reason to be ashamed or hide. Maybe it is my age when we married–I was in my 30’s.

    I really am learning from this study, and I love that! 🙂

    Carissa in eastern Iowa

  9. This was a great post! We’ve only been married 7 years but between 3 kids, job loss, family matters, health problems, and unfaithfulness- well…we’ve had it a little rougher than others. God’s word got us through it all! Things are improving greatly and I cannot wait to adapt the Song of Solomon into our marriage!

  10. I need to work on #2! Saliva and tongues gross me out! My husband is really understanding about that, and never pressures me for more than the many “pecks” I give him, but I know he would enjoy a “big one” every once in a while to remind him how wanted he is. Thanks, Courtney, for openly talking about this!

  11. Thank you for this post!
    I am looking for a devotional book that I can complete with my beloved to rekindle intimacy. Can anyone recommend one that they have enjoyed?


  12. I’m unable to do any of them for my Husband right now.

    We’ve been seperated for over 4 years, BUT I LONG to be able to show him how much I sill love & appreciate him.

    No matter what’s happened, it won’t matter once God touches his heart & brings him home…

    I wait patiently until our marriage is restored, spending time reading my Bible, learning how to be a better wife & PRAYING for a new beginning with JESUS in the midst of our marriage.

    Reading these things adds to what I’m learning about what went wrong, when after 20 years of marriage he left…..


    1. Shari, my heart aches for you and your husband. God has healed my best friend’s marriage. They were divorced for 3 years and are now remarried for 2 years. They both are thankful for the new things God is doing in their marriage as He is still healing old wounds and creating new joys, as they walk in obedience. I pray that your love will be rekindled and will be a blessing to those around you who need to see His miracles. Like you, my friend survived the betrayal as she hung on to God. She was blessed by rejoice Marriage Ministry, on FB. I claim victory for you and your family! https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rejoice-Marriage-Ministries/150587665032166?ref=ts&fref=ts

      1. Thank you Bella!

        I’ve been blessed by RMM as well, and I pray GOD’S WILL for our marriage which I feel HE has promised me will be restoration.

        I would love to be restored before October 29th, which is our 25th Anniversary. But if not, I won’t give up on GOD to still bring him home some day.

        1. I am reading this with my eyes pouring and my heart sobbing.
          I love the Song of Solomon and am so drawn to it which is crazy because at this point in time because my husband of 16.5 years had chosen to give his love to a woman I thought was a very special friend.
          I have already resolved not to give up on our marriage, but I have to say that the 4 years you have been waiting sound incredibly daunting right now.
          I am also trying to develop a closer relationship with the Lord and with our two children (13 and 11).
          I dream of him puckering up for me, but I get only half-hearted hugs when he comes to see the children.
          I know I just have to be a beautiful woman on the inside and out and not drive him away with my frustrations.
          Thank you for the FB link – I will definitely check it out!
          Sorry if these writings are inappropriate for here – please feel to remove them.
          Be blessed.

  13. #4 for sure! My husband is a truck driver and is only home on the weekends so I constantly try to convey my love for him through phone calls and texts! Sometimes I’ll even post little love notes on Facebook which grosses my friends out but at least they can see that we love each other! 🙂 We don’t have children yet but life is still busy especially when he doesn’t get to spend as much time at home as I would like for him to. Sometimes I have to tell him to kiss me like he means it lol

    Absence really does make the heart grow fonder though! I still get that little giddy feeling when I hear that big truck roll in and the air brake make that big “swish” sound! I know that my honey is home! I’m getting a new perspective on my relationship with my husband through this study not to mention my relationship with God as well!

    Thank you Courtney for your hard work in this ministry!! May God continue to bless you abundantly!

  14. We’ve been working on the foxes. After four years of marriage that was my husband going to school full time and working and me working and being ill, we haven’t tended our marriage at all. We’ve started having a weekly meeting about us, our family, budget, and our coming week. My husband also has committed to spending time listening and talking to me every night – this is such a blessing as we work on building intimacy back. I try to respect his need for space as well, and work at making sure that I am praising him and thanking him for all the many manly things he does for us.

    I find #3 to be very interesting. My husband has never been proud of his name. He feels like his first name is a girl’s name and he has never taken pride in his last name because of the damage his father has done to him throughout his life. This one makes me think I should speak of us as “(last name)” proudly, of the family we have started, it’s been 4 years since I changed my name and we use it so little that I often forget that my last name has changed.

  15. Without sounding like my marriage is perfect I am at a loss for words and can only say that my marriage is really great in every area. It may sound impossible or you may think I am clueless to something going on in my marriage, but honestly I am able to say this with all sincerity. We are open about everything, we respect one another, we recognize and speak often of how grateful we are to have one another, etc….we are very close and in tune with each other.

    The one point or thing that stands out to me is the “not wanting to, or not being able to be apart.” From the get go both my husband and myself voiced the facts….He is not my be all and end all and I am not his, God is and always will be number one. However in this life he is my number one human relationship and I am his. We are considerate of one another and give thought to one another in the making or planning of our days, weeks and year as far as our schedules go. We are not the couple that is physically inseparable. We are inseparable as far as the enemies atracks are concerned and breaking our triple cord. But we are apart for sometimes 2 weeks at a time and all is good, our hearts are not skipping beats or feeling as if half is missing. In fact we will start with calling every night for maybe 3 days and then we laugh and say calling every day isn’t necessary unless we have something we just need to share.

    Anyway I am not putting this out there for review or because I am wondering is this okay or normal, this is my marriage. Surely not everyone out there finds being apart intolerable. Anyway just saying…..

    1. My marriage is wonderful like yours and God is the center of our relationship. I don’t take it for granted and we are truly blessed!!

  16. I am only 52 and my husband is only 56. We have been married 14 years and we haven’t been intimate in over a year. Things just weren’t working on him anymore. And to be honest, he has gained a ton of weight and I just don’t find him appealing, so I haven’t pushed the issue. I’m sad that this part of my life seems to be over now. =(

    1. Sonia, we are close to your age. I have learned to trust God fully here. I prayed that our marriage and our desires for each other would glorify God, everyday. We have been married 25 years and it has not always been good. But He has given us back “the years the locust have eaten” Joel 2:25. Keep praying and ask Him to love your husband through you and don’t be afraid to try… Things don’t always end well for us during these encounters as insecurities and distractions take place… But I know that as I humble myself, He will be glorified and will help us through. Praying for you guys!

  17. #’s 4, 5, 6 & 8 are my challenges – especially the “foxes”. I have an extremely difficult time shutting off my mind of the things that need to be done before I am able to “get in the mood” to really enjoy time with my husband.

    But thank you for the challenge. Prayers said that I am able to shut those out tonight & spend some time with my beloved.

  18. What did dr Clark said on the video? The reason why I ask because I’m deaf And I didn’t get all what Jr spoke thank you

    1. Colleen,
      Basically, he said that we get in the habit of doing “the peck” ….bone dry lips, hitting each other as we our spouse goes out the door in the morning. He said saliva is required for a good kiss 🙂

      Take care,

  19. #5 really stands out to me and is something that I plan to work on. My beloved actually said recently that he misses me seeking him out for a midday visit….So thankful for this Bible study..

  20. I love being married. My husband and I have been married for 13 years and we have two young children. I thank God every day that he brought my husband into my life. I will admit that after two babies I do struggle with #4.

    Courtney, I will say that I am so encouraged by your ministry. I have been watching your various videos for a few years now. Your words inspire me to be a better wife and mother.

  21. I’ve fallen into the trap of giving pecks. 5 & 8 are also things I need to work on. I really have to learn to turn off my mind when we have time alone.

  22. I would like to know how do you rekindle intimacy when it was never there in the first place? After 15 years of marriage.

    1. Jenny, I’m sure you intended for Courtney to respond however, perhaps I can offer some advice since Courtney was not able to respond.

      I’ve been married for 23 years and I have 7 children. My husband was a pastor for 15 of those years and worked a secular full-time job as well. There have been many challenges over the years to intimacy within our marriage.

      What stands out to me when building intimacy (barring that there is not a physical reason, like a hormone imbalance on one of your behalves) is that for intimacy to abound you need 1.) to forgive immediately any hurts you may have 2.) practice thinking positive things about your husband and then *voicing* them to him.

      This past 2 weeks I’ve made a personal challenge to send my husband a message while he’s at work telling him something each day that he’s good at and I love about him. He’s responded with so much gratitude and love!

      I don’t know if these suggestions would help (they are definitely not exhaustive) but I hope they will at least give you some ideas. ?

  23. I guess i need to work at all of them. Especially 3 and 6. Since we’ve become parents our live changed and our communication and sex life as wel. We are at the point of catching up but it seems we still have a road ahead of us. I will try to keep up with reading from now on. 🙂

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