4 Ways to Become Your Husband’s Best Friend
Welcome back to the
Messy Beautiful Love*Book Club!
Today we move into chapters 11 & 12 and Monday we complete the book club!
Our final guest for this series is Misty and she is a part of the Good Morning Girls Leadership Team.
Misty is a Daughter of THE King, Texas girl always, Navy brat at heart, loving Fisherman’s wife, blessed homeschooling mother of 2, author of Beautiful Ashes and founder of Marriage, Motherhood and Missions. She is passionate about being real throughout all of life’s struggles, successes and dreams. Her heart is full of ideas and passions, but the hours in her day never multiply to get it all done. Misty loves writing and reading in her spare time. Music and photography are favorite past times of hers as well.
**********************
Misty writes:
Each day is a gift from God.
What we do with that gift is solely up to us.
Though we don’t know what each day will hold, God has a purpose for everything that will come our way. We may not understand why some things happen, but God does and with His direction and strength we can glorify Him through it all.
Chapter 11
In chapter 11, Darlene writes about seizing the day and encourages us to make the most of every moment because none of us know what lies ahead in our future. The little things that bug us today, we may miss in the future.
Cherishing the moments of each of my days is extremely important to me.
My husband is 17 years older than I and I know that unless Christ returns to take us home together, someday all I will have left are the memories of today. I want those memories to be precious to me, not full of things I regret or time I wasted.
There are situations throughout our marriages that will frustrate or disappoint us, but how we handle them is important. While it may seem frustrating to put the toilet seat down or place the dirty laundry in the hamper, one day we may wish we could do these things, just one more time.
Frustration over our husband forgetting the soccer game start time or our birthday, may seem disappointing or nerve racking, but what if we stopped and whispered a prayer of thanks that we have our husband by our side?
I believe that seizing the day and cherishing every moment, all starts with counting the gifts each day holds. I’ve used a simple notebook to keep track of the gifts I find in my day and I’ve used Ann Voskamp’s devotional as well.
No matter how you count your daily gifts, I believe that by opening our eyes and hearts to see and acknowledge the gifts God gives us, we will truly be seizing each day that God blesses us with.
Chapter 12
Darlene shares an important truth in chapter 12.
Having a best friend is truly a God thing.
Not everyone has one and it’s even less likely in this day and age, that wives consider their husband to be their best friend.
I was in fact one of those wives who did not consider my husband my best friend.
I didn’t confide in him about anything of importance for many reasons. My husband was not aware of struggles I was facing because he didn’t understand my past, due to the fact that I hadn’t healed enough to share it openly…I was fearful of how he would respond and I didn’t want him getting too close because I was afraid of being hurt again.
After going through serious difficulties and struggles in our first 6 years of marriage, God worked a miracle in both of us. He saved our marriage when no one thought it was possible. With our 10 year anniversary coming in 2015, I’m still amazed at the fact that God brought us to this place.
As Darlene mentioned in her book, I can now trust my husband with my emotions. I know without a doubt he stands behind me and desires the best things for me in my life and my ministries. What a blessing this is to me and what a long road it was to get here, but God is good and it is by His grace alone that I am able to say that my husband is my best friend today.
As our husband’s help meet, we need to ensure that we have the qualities of being a best friend to them.
They need to know we support them.
They need to know our focus is on them and our home.
They need to know they can trust and confide in us.
Most importantly though, our husband needs to know he is respected.
God has given our husband a big responsibility in being accountable for the spiritual side of their families and the decisions they make regarding them. While we may not always agree with our husband’s decisions 100% of the time, it is our responsibility to support him unless he goes specifically against God’s word. It is during these disagreements that we can take our concerns to the throne of God and when we lay them at His feet (instead of arguing or trying to take care of it ourselves), we allow God the opportunity to perform a miracle and God can change our husband’s heart. I’ve been blessed to see God do this in my marriage a few times over the last 10 years.
Having your husband as your best friend takes a lot of work.
Here’s 4 Ways to Become Your Husband’s Best Friend:
- Start by making a list of the qualities you look for in a friend.
- Add attributes or actions that you know are important to your husband.
- Work on cultivating these qualities in yourself and visualizing them in your marriage relationship.
- Seek the Lord in prayer asking specifically for wisdom, strength and perseverance.
Every day with our husband is a gift and we need to make the most of each one. I’m praying for each of you that God would bless you, your husband and your marriage. God’s desire is that your marriage would be a picture of Christ and the church, and that is also part of my prayer for each of you today.
No marriage is outside of God’s miracle working abilities, so if you’re struggling in your marriage, don’t give up hope. God is on your side and is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that we can ask or think!
Misty, Beautiful Ashes
***********
Thank you Misty for being with us here today!
Join the Discussion:
1. If your husband was suddenly gone would you live with regrets? If so, what needs to be said or done to change things today?
2. Is your husband your best friend?
3. What are some ways that you can improve the friendship between you and your husband?
Misty: I am so proud of you and Joe and thankful for what He has done in your lives. Beautifully written. Haven’t read everything you have written but what I have I like.
Love you dearly.
Aunt Sandy
Thank you Aunt Sandy <3 It's truly a God thing that we are where we are today. <3 you!
What a great article, Misty. I am getting there, too. Its a journey. When we were dating, we made the choice to keep our relationship relatively “hands free” and spend more time talking. 🙂 And so we grew very close in a relatively short period of time (considering we got married 1 year and 1 month from the time we started dating, and we started dating about 4 months after we started to truly get to know one another). But, shortly after we got married, we experienced several huge disappointments both with the miscarriages and situations that happened outside of our home (not due to our marriage), and it affected the both of us deeply – and has continued to affect us over and over. I was newly pregnant with our firstborn and so from that time on, it has been a series of changes in us and in our home.
I truly believe that our decision to talk more and save the physical stuff for marriage helped to lay a strong foundation that has withstood the emotional trauma we’ve faced and the enormous changes we’ve walked through as a family. And our struggle to find where we fit in all of this has drawn us closer together. We trust each other more deeply, we understand each other more fully and there is a steady “knowing” that we’ll get through this together – one way or another. I think it has meant so much to me to know that I can share literally everything with him – secrets that only he knows…and no one else does. Sometimes he doesn’t always “get” me…but he honors me. And that’s even better.
It truly is so important to begin a relationship like you and Z did Ros. By eliminating the physical side of things it provides such an amazing opportunity to get to know each other on a deeper level than physical intimacy can provide. It is my prayer that my children learn from my past mistakes and that they are given the blessing of a best friend from the start of their relationships. You’re always in my prayer sweet sister <3
No regrets. We’ve been lucky really. Like Rosalind, we dated five months and then married a year after we were engaged. It was fast but we both knew that it was right. We had also both been in serious relationships prior and knew what we weren’t looking for so when we found each other, we knew.
Brian is my best friend. I tell him everything. We make a really good team and I’m so thankful for that!
That truly is a wonderful blessing isn’t it Cassie? I love that my husband has become my best friend and am so thankful for him! <3
I don’t really know how to approach this with my husband. We’ve been married 2 years now, and sometimes when I share my feelings about something in particular he does not bother to even stop what he is doing or make eye contact. Where is the line between things you should gab about with a girlfriend, and things you should tell your husband? I am struggling deeply with finding ways to connect with a man who must have at least 4 things going on at one time (phone, tv, computer, cocktail, etc). It’s bleeding over and I don’t want to be intimate because I feel like he only pays attention when it’s convenient for him.
It sounds like you and your husband has different love languages, that is also a difficulty in my marriage. I love to talk and want to tell my husband everything, while he would rather hear the “short” version. I try to share all of the details with my friends and get to the point quickly with my husband. As for you not desiring to be intimate, that is something that you need to push through sweet friend, the devil knows that if he can take away your intimacy then he has successfully begun to separate you and your husband. Marriage is greatly under attack because it is the very picture of Jesus and the church, so we must stand strong and rely on the Lord for the strength to remain faithful to our marriage vows and commitment. I recommend faithfully praying about your specific situation, and maybe even having a friend (or friends) commit to praying for you and your marriage as well. God knows what the next step is for your marriage and He will guide you perfectly if you seek Him and His will. Praying for you Cecilia. <3
My husband and I also recently experienced an unexpected miscarriage, and in a low moment, my husband told me that he doesn’t feel we are best friends anymore and feels unfulfilled. I am so shocked and saddened by this…as I consider him my best friend and have never wavered from that. It seems he is experiencing a depression, I think in response to the loss, but I am not sure where this is coming from. It seems he is reevaluating everything after a decade of togetherness. I understand everyone grieves differently, but I am so hurt and lonely in response to his “declaration” that we aren’t best friends. He says he loves me but just feels alone alot of the time. I have been praying fervently for God to soften my husband’s heart, take away his hurt, give me wisdom and restore our relationship. I feel him pulling away from me and it is frustrating to me because this is a time when I had hoped we would lean on one another and grow closer together! We have two young children, and life can be chaotic and stressful at times. We have not made a ton of time for each other or God for the past couple years. Clearly it has taken its toll. Trying to figure out how to get my best friend back and break down the wall between us . We are scheduled for individual counseling in a couple weeks here, and we are sticking to weekly small group and church on Sundays. We also read daily devotionals. I have been arranging for more frequent date nights, and trying to get the kids to bed earlier so we can have at least an hour together to connect every night. Also trying to make time for things we enjoyed as individuals before parenthood. Really tough situation. How do I get back to a place where my husband sees me as his best friend? I love him dearly and want this connection!
First, I’m sorry for your loss sweetheart. I can’t imagine the depth of pain that both you and your husband are feeling. It is true that everyone processes loss differently and it sounds like you desire to be close to your husband when he wants some space. This must be incredibly painful and I am praying for you even now. Your plans to meet with a counselor, added alone time, church and devotions together are all wonderful places to start. Have you ever heard of the Love Dare or seen the movie Fireproof? I highly recommend using the Love Dare book, but you must be ready to take on all 40 days and complete each task even when you don’t feel like it. When my husband and I were in a very bad place, I took on the challenge and saw great rewards and answered prayer during that 40 days. I will be praying for you Beverly and for your husband. <3
Beverly (and all others here who are struggling or experiencing pain in their marriages), my marriage was renewed when I read Created to Be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl.
Beverly my husband and I have struggled with his feelings of depression, insecurity and that I don’t love him..we found the Love and Respect series by Emerson Eggerichs has been a great resource in our marriage. ..maybe it can help yours too.
We were married 3 1/2 months after we were engaged and 9 months after we started dating. We have no regrets but have shared many struggles. It is worth it all to say that we have worked through most of them and have memories of the past 35 years of marriage to share together. marriage isn’t easy. It still isn’t easy. Misty, that was such a special post. My husband is only 2 years older than me but I never know more than today. Being thankful for each moment is what counts most.
I think the part about thinking about what attributions are important to your husband is key. My husband’s love language is words of affirmations. If I bought him gifts all that time that is a nice gesture, but it does not mean as much to him as a kind note or encouraging words. Great reminder today!
Hi Misty, this is the first time I have read one of your articles, and how timely it was. I am currently dating (not married) to a wonderful man who is nearly 17 years older than myself. He is definitely the one that I see marrying however it has been a struggle. Right now, I am currently trying this process of trying to be his best friend but it is not easy, especially with his issues with depression. However, I just have this gut feeling that this relationship is right. This article is a nice reminder of why I am fighting for him. It has not been an easy path but I can’t give up on him, and this article reminded me that it is not all for nothing.
THankyou Misty for this lovely word, my husband and I got married at the ripe young age of 21, and 6 nearly 7 years of marriage a 3 year old boy and we are still going strong! only problem is my husband is backslidden has been for the last 6 years and its very difficult but God somehow gets me through each day. I’m blessed at the fact he gives me and our son lifts to church when we need them and I read my Bible infront of him, the only stuff that concerns me and the reason why we probably aren’t each others best friend at the minute is because I can’talk to him about spiritual stuff without him rolling his eyes at me. I try and get him to talk to me but he just seems to shrivel up and get really uncomfortable, no eye contact from him, he tries to change the conversation so I can’t really talk to him about Godly things. Also hes a gamer (I knew this when I married him), and that’s how he chills out, playing games online with his “best mate” he says im his best friend and hes his best mate, but im not sure that’s true!
My husband does make time for us and we do do things together, its just the love languages im struggling on and talking to him about God. I pray for him nearly every day too, my spiritual family are wonderful got a few close sisters at church who are brilliant and praise be to God for that.
I guess I just need to know my husband love language I just don’t know how to know it if that makes sense!
Godbless you Misty
xxx
My husband to be is my best friend and always will be because he loves me just the way I am. He loves the fact that I’m brutally honest and real. We have had our disagreements, misunderstandings, and arguments but mostly because of my low self-esteem, depression, anxiety and panic attacks. He has always forgiven me and loved me even when I didn’t love myself or couldn’t forgive myself for hurting him. But through much praying and asking for God’s grace and help, I have changed for the better. I asked God to soften my heart towards my husband to be and believe that my fiance knows me better than I know myself. Our relationship is complicated by the distance and time difference but I see our love for each other growing stronger than ever and I find myself falling more in love with him every day. We are both believers in God and Jesus Christ and I try hard to read from our bible and also have subscribed to spiritual and inspirational websites. My husband to be has made me believe in love again and inspires me every day to be a better Christian person by his actions towards me and others. Because of his unconditional love for me I have asked for God to come into my life again but this time it’s wholeheartedly sincere as before I was just going through the motions to satisfy family members. I have recently been separated and now divorced, I tried for 35+ years to make my marriage work because my ex husband was an alcoholic but the last 5 years of our marriage I lost all of my respect for him and his alcoholism killed whatever love I had for him a long time ago. I used to think that my ex husband was my soul mate, my best friend but he wasn’t because he loved the alcohol more than his own wife. Now I know for a fact that my husband to be is my soul mate and my best friend because he’s always there for me no matter what, he loves everything about me and I love everything about him and believe that God saw us both suffering and put us together for a reason .
I appreciate this post so much! My husband is my best friend, and I’m so thankful for him. He inspires me to keep growing in the Lord, as I see the growth in his life. I like the point you made about considering what qualities our husbands would value in a best friend. I’ve never thought about it quite that way, but it’s definitely worth pondering. Thank you for sharing from your heart!
This book is such a good taught. Women were also made to comfort men.
wow, thank God for your lives women of God. I have really been inspired and educated by all that you have posted. I am dating a man who is also God fearing and devoted to God like I am. but I used to have issues fitting into his life as his best friend since he had this childhood best friend before I met him. Gradually by the Grace of God, he has totally acknowledged me as his best friend in these couple month(after he was betrayed by his friend). My only prayer and request from God are to give us the financial enablement to be able to get married and have a home. we do not want to get intimate before marriage.
I am late to this post. Wow, it’s exactly what I needed to read tonight. Thank you for all the tips, Misty and others. I found myself taking notes.
My husband and I have been married 13 years. We dated without getting physical for one year. We got to know each other by going camping, hiking and asking random questions from a question book. As we got to know each other, our love grew. We married where I grew up, never went back after college as expected. At three years, we were struggling to get prego. At seven years, his Dad died, then at 11 years, his mom died. He is nine years older. We went to therapy, learned about The love languages, were given tips for fighting: 10 minute time out, all helpful. I also learned about the Retrouvaille Marriage Help program, which has helped us immensely. Yet, our marriage isn’t perfect. Almost a year ago, I found some things on his computer because an email got stuck, while I was working from home, during covid, I got on to his laptop as he asked of me. Well, after I helped him send an email, I explored.
Saw a boundary break in our marriage. I caught him flirting and others too. I called him on it and he denied it, even though there was proof. It hurts! I am therapy for it. It helps. I can tell you and all that who reads, in the last 11 months, it’s been tough. Things feel different. Monthly talks that lead to arguments. My husband is my best friend, yet it has been hard to give him compassion. My therapist said to provide him with grace. I am giving him grace. Sometimes it is hard.
Meanwhile, I have been focusing on me, self-care, etc. God has a plan. I am keeping the faith and hope, one day at a time. It’s a new year. God has a plan, even though I don’t see it yet. Believe it.