Women Living Well Book Club – Chapter 14 {When Moms Lose Their Temper}

chapter 14 header

Let’s Discuss Chapter 14

Do you struggle with losing your temper –you are NOT alone!  Long ago I turned to the book of Proverbs in my Bible, grabbed a highlighter, and marked every.single.verse that referenced how I am to communicate with others (there’s a TON of verses between chapters 10 and 31 regarding our speech).

Some of the verses I both marked and committed to memory are:

“He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.”  Proverbs 13:3

 “A quick tempered man does foolish things.”  Proverbs 14:17

 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”  Proverbs 15:1

“A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.”  Proverbs 17:27

“A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.”  Proverbs 29:11

 

yelling-at-a-bud

In this video, I discuss “when mom’s lose their tempers” and our children’s perspective of us:

(if you cannot see this video – click here)

Ask your children to fill in these blanks for you:

My mom is______________.

Everyday she likes to _______________.

When she is angry she  ________________.

My mom makes me feel _______________.

One thing I wish my mom knew about me is __________________.

I encourage you to ask your kids to fill in these blanks – to get the temperature of your home through your children’s eyes.  Of course, sometimes moms are unpopular for not letting the kids eat candy, making them do chores and homework or saying no to certain activities and as a result they may say something negative –that’s not what I’m talking about here.  This is about getting to our children’s hearts and giving our kids a safe haven and a place where they can be honest, so we can hear their truth.

Let’s ask our children to tell us our story.  Listen. Learn. Love.  And know – none of us are perfect. We all must turn to the perfect one – Jesus – to help us in our battle with our flesh.  Let’s apologize to our children when we lose our tempers.

Perfect Women Aren't Real

Discussion Questions:

1.) Do you struggle with your temper?  If so, what is it that tends to set you off?

2.)  Look at Galatians 5:22-25.  What qualities are mentioned in verse 22 that you could apply to these tense situations?

For Extra Discussion go to the Forum and click on the thread that says “Chapter 14″

Walk with the King,

Courtney

Comments

  1. Courtney, I know you get this all the time, but thank you SO much for your encouragement!

  2. I think we all have a temper since birth, anyone who says they don’t have a temper deceives themselves. All hearts are fashioned alike, but by God’s Holy Spirit working in us He helps me to do things the right way! If I’m worked up I’ll get out of the way until I can deal with things calmly. “Don’t bring your children to wrath.” Ephesians 6: 4 . I’ve noticed when I do things the right way the kids are much more receptive to correction and sorting things out lovingly with their siblings and with each other.

    Things that set me off are being on a spiritually low ebb, tired and irritable, pressure.
    All of the Fruits of the Spirit apply when correcting our children. And cultivating it daily in our relationships with them!

    • Rhonda White says:

      I used to be sooo patient with my son. After my second child, I devoted a chemical imbalance. Began with post partum depression that turned into something much worse. It was like PMS on steroids. I knew I wasn’t being rational, or spiritual, but it was like I couldn’t control myself.i felt so guilty. Finally, in desperation I sought medical help. I’ve learned a few things about myself. When things happen and I feel like I can’t control them, I get scared, or sad. But when I showed fear or sadness growing up, I was ridiculed, so instead I learned to get angry. Ours kids make us so vulnerable because we love them so much. I have to step back, like you say, and take the time to see why this behavior or situation makes me angry. Usually goes back to fear. Fear that my kids will grow up to be mean, or disrespectful, dishonest, etc. Mostly fear that I’m failing as a mom and it makes me angry. Thank you for your wise words and encouragement. Let’s pray for each other. I know i need it.

      • same happened after my second child and not only that she became chronically ill so that made things tougher. I did seek help from my obgyn but she said she wouldn’t do any bloodwork bc she knew I couldn’t be going through a type of hormone change. She said that wouldn’t happen till I was much older. I wish I would’ve sought another dr. I finally did, but many, many yrs later. Come to find out, my hormones were way out of walk and not only that I was vitamin B difficient. I take troches now and vit B shots. It seems to have helped a ton. The dr I saw said that many women will get misdiagnosed with some sort of mood disorder from their hormones being out of whack when simply a hormone adjustment works. i know I scared my kids many times just from the look in my face and tone in my voice. I regret so much, but I also did ask for forgiveness a lot and shared Christ with them daily.

  3. Excellent job with your post. Thanks for sharing things.

  4. Yes I do get angry. However, I feel I get angry not so much at my children, but at what I feel my shortcomings are. I get angry at myself for getting angry at my children or for not taking the time to find out what’s wrong with them or me, before I lose it.

    But that God that He reminds me that I can “be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath”Ephesians 4:26. So when I get anger I try to stop myself and ask the ‘Why’ questions.

    “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control” Galatians 5: 22-23. I believe self-control is the one I can take about from this verse.

    Peace to all.

  5. Kelley Howard says:

    Such a great post. Courtney you are sooo awesome.

  6. I have teenagers. So, I can easily tell you I get angry w/ disrespect the most. And it tends to make me act just like them. Recently, I’ve also noticed that I feel anger when my soon-to-be 14 yr old son doesn’t want my affection like he used to. It hurts, especially when I show him I’m hurt and he doesn’t back down. I know he does but, I still walk away unsatisfied that we’ve both expressed our love for each other enough. I know it will pass, but…. From Galatians 5:22, patience and kindness would be a great start.

    • yes, the outright disrespect and disobedience gets to me, too.
      One thing I’ve had to work on is that when they are like that, it is not about me. It’s about them…it’s their problem. I tend to get offended at how they respond to me, but I need to let it go and realize they need to work it out.

      • I have a 13 year old son and on a daily basis I get the same thing from him. He can be disrespectful and talk out of turn. When he does I stop him in his tracks and we talk. It’s not something I allow him to get away with. I didn’t let my 3 oldest children get away with it so….the reason I stop him an talk with him is because it’s a heart issue and it must be addressed. If it’s not these heart issues will build upon one another and turn into a monster of an issue that will be hard to deal with. It’s good for us to train our boys how to communicate their thoughts and feelings as well as how to properly deal with heart issues. If not they can grow up to be closed off and not really know how to deal with issues that come up. They may think it’s ok to act out and be disrespectful. Right now they’re at that age where they want to be treated like adults but also still want to behave and act like children. They’re just trying to grow up too fast. Its’ up to us as parents to set the pace for them. They’re too immature to set it for themselves or to realize that a pace needs to be set. As far as expressing love, emotion, and affection, I’ve never experienced that with my boys. I’ve always been very loving with them and to them children who aren’t affectionate towards their parents are an oddity. I am SO very blessed in that area with my boys!! Lots of prayers!

  7. Michelle T. says:

    WOW. Talk about making me feel guilty. Okay. Back to the scriptures I go….. I’ve given these questions to my children and we’ll see what they say. I thank the Lord for my children and pray for them often. God has blessed me with motherhood. I want to give back to him all the good he’s given me. So I’m doing my best to walk with the KING!! :)

    • the enemy wants us to live in guilt but thankfully God has freed us from that. you may not get what you want to hear. They may even write what they think you want to hear. We need to be willing to hear the bad things and learn from it. We can do our best.

  8. Crystal Espinoza says:

    The one main thing that triggers my anger is having to REPEAT myself!! Having to discipline over and over about the same things! Trying different ways to discipline & getting no results!! That’s my main one! Next, when I misuse time & start running late! Totally my fault but my poor kids end up being innocent bystanders and have to hear mommy’s yelling & barking of orders! Hurry up! Hurry up! :( Last, I would say another big trigger is when I get caught up in the same old routine day in & day out! I get so bored of it & feel pity for myself & easily take it out on my kids :( There’s no peace when I talk, just all negative feelings. So, looking at this I know it’s all me, not my kids being kids that anger me! It’s things I have to work on myself, in me! So easy to blame the kids…my kids make me angry! They made me yell!! LOL!! Sounds like something my kids say about their siblings ;) But I ask God to help me be patient, slow to anger, to love like Him…so in order for that to happen I must go through storms that will help train me in those areas!! Its like boot camp here for me!! One day I’ll graduate :)

    • Crystal,
      I struggle with the same thing. I repeat myself constantly and it drives me nuts!! What I’ve realized about my son is when I talk with him or tell him to do something he isn’t fully engaged or focusing. Sometimes he tunes me out and doesn’t realize I’m talking with/to him. About a year ago I took him in to have his hearing checked as I was convinced he had a hearing problem.Turns out he has perfect hearing. The doctor told me that boys can be notorious for focusing SO much on what they’re doing in the moment that they tune everything out around them so they truly don’t know they’re being talked to. I’ve started to walking over, stopping my son and whatever he’s doing, looking him in the face and communicating clearly to him. If it’s a matter of straight out disobedience I’ve just tightened the screws on discipline…he’s responding. Many blessings to you Crystal!

      • Crystal Espinoza says:

        TY Jamileh! Sounds like my husband!!!! He can seriously tune out the world when he’s doing something….like watching TV ;-)

  9. 1. I don’t yet have children, but I generally have a short temper when I’m tired and/or hungry. Or don’t get my way! God has been working on me in this area through my marriage!

    2. All of the qualities apply, but I have to start with love. It is the basis of all my choices.

  10. I definitely have a temper, some of which has been tamed by time and maturity. Mostly though, it is me praying “Please, God, help me keep it together!”. Books like Women Living Well and this website/forum are such blessings! They remind me I am NOT alone and have practical, Godly advice of how to be an intentional mom. I have noticed that things such as tiredness, not getting “alone with God time” and hunger can set off my temper. I try to calm down and say to myself “This is 3 years old-this is what it looks like. You are 36 and you are the one who has to train this little heart, so suck it up sister!” or give myself little pep talks like “C’mon Mama, you can do it-you can stay joyful!”.
    Love, peace, patience, gentleness, kindness and self-control are all qualities that belong in my little mantra to help me get through those “on my last nerve” moments :)

  11. And this is kind of dorky, but it seems to diffuse tensions when they run a little high. In the Happy Feet movie, there is a little penguin who sings “Don’t push me cause I am on the edge, I’m just about to lose my head.” I sometimes sing that or “I’m about to lose my mind, up in here, up in here” (that is from some random song long ago that I don’t remember!) It always makes my son crack up and I accompany it with some break dancing or dancing like a robot. His laughter is salve to my anger and frustration!

  12. I’ve been working on this, and I find usually it stems from exhaustion (or if something is going on with me personally). I’m learning how to pick and choose my battles. I thought about this a lot after reading this chapter and after an incident with my son’s swimming teacher. She was overly aggressive with him in the water. Once she splashed water on him and “yelled” to get his attention when he was standing on the edge of the pool and even pulled him into the water hard after he told her he was scared to jump in. This made him very fearful of her and not want to swim again (he always loves to go swimming until his old teacher left and this new teacher was assigned to him). He told my mom and me and my husband late that he was afraid of his new teacher and so we changed teachers. (It’s good now that he is a preschooler because he can let us know how he is feeling.) But the scar still remained as he became scared to jump in the pool with his new teacher. This got me to thinking, those times I acted out in ager towards my son, how did that make him feel? How did it effect our relationship? So now before I act, I speak in a lower calm voice to give myself a chance to calm down. I’m a work in progress and being a mom in her mid 40s with a soon to be 4 year old, I find often I just don’t have the energy like a used to. I rely on The Lord to help me with this so much, I often find myself just calling His name.

  13. I enjoyed reading this post, Courtney, and I’ve enjoyed reading the comments just as much. Thanks to all the wonderful ladies for sharing your struggles and things that help you in trying moments. I loved the mom who sings a funny song and does a little break dance, that is hilarious! Humor is such a great tool to get through a difficult situation.

    I used to be a “yeller” until 8 or 9 years ago. That’s when I realized that it only made me lose the respect I wanted so badly. I would get frustrated looking into the faces of the children I sacrificed for in so many ways for so many years only to have them say or do something hurtful, careless, selfish, etc. But yelling caused the opposite reaction I sought.

    So I began lowering my voice, speaking softly and even smiling when dealing with my children’s unwanted behavior. They respect me so much more for it. My conclusion is that kids NEED a mother who is composed and in control. They are not mature enough to always be in control, but we are. They depend upon us to show them how it’s done. Sometimes I just pause and go into another room to quietly pray before dealing with a problem and it gives me a chance to pull my self together. It is wonderful to have the respect of my teenage sons and have a good relationship.
    Thanks again for a great post, Courtney!

  14. 1. Totally not by chance, I was reading this chapter as my two year old was fighting his afternoon nap (again); the timing was perfect! Unfortunately I do struggle with my temper. I think what triggers is the most is unmet expectations and things generally not going the way I intended or planned or hoped that they would. (This really shows the selfishness in my heart!!)

    2. All of them!! (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control)

I love hearing what is on your heart.

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