Deanna, answered: An unequally yoked marriage is a difficult path to walk. But I want to encourage you by saying that one can have a happy, fulfilling marriage with an unbelieving husband. You do not just have to survive your spiritually mismatched marriage, but you can actually thrive in the midst of it.
On November 14th, I (Deanna) celebrated 28 years of marriage with my beloved unbeliever. God has had to do a mighty work in my heart and I have come to know my Lord and Savior intimately as God has taught me how to be a godly wife to a man who had no interest in spiritual things. My life verse has been, “I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me.” (Phil 4:13)
As I reflect back over the years I would like to share with you some of the Pitfalls to having a marriage that thrives:
First, I had a “Holier Than Thou Attitude”. I esteemed myself above him because I was a Christian and he was not!! Oh my!!! God’s word says: Phil 2:3-4 “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others.”
Second, I had a judgmental attitude. I was often mentally critical of his actions and words. I felt since my husband did not seek God, how could he speak into my life! I used sarcasm as a weapon. I played the martyr and treated my marriage as a cross I must bear for being unequally yoked. I did not treat my husband with respect. Ephesians does not give us an option on respecting our husbands. It does not say “if he deserves it” or “if you feel like it”,” if he is a Christian or not”- just to respect our husbands- period! (Ephesians 5:33 “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”)
My focus was on my circumstances.
I focused on the negative attributes of my husband.
I focused on my pain and heartache I felt when I was sitting in the church pew alone…again. Looking around with envy at all the couples wishing my husband was next to me.
I focused on the burden of being the spiritual leader in my home. I focused on not having the spiritual under girding from him because sometimes moral support was not enough.
I focused on my children not having a godly dad. I focused on the weight of teaching and nurturing the spiritual upbringing of our children.
I focused on the pain and despair I felt when my teenage son decided not to go to church and his excuse was “Dad doesn’t, so neither am I”
I focused on the fear that would well up inside of me when I faced the reality that my husband may never accept Jesus Christ as his Savior. This fear fueled my tactics of manipulation and scheming in an attempt to get my husband to see his need of a Savior! Before I knew it, I felt responsible for his salvation!!!
I focused on my loneliness and spiritual isolation.
I focused on the deep, deep heartache of not being able to share anything spiritual with my husband. Yes, I could tell him how God answered prayer or how God’s word touched my heart, but he does not understand. (1 Corinthians 2:14)
I focused on the longing I had for the day we could worship and rejoice together over God’s blessings to us.
All these desires and strong emotions are valid and real, but my focus was wrong. My focus had to change from my circumstances to Jesus. I was tired of being miserable. I wanted that abundant life that I read about in the Bible. I began to cry out to God and asked Him to change my heart. I asked God to help me die to self and began to consciously choose to yield and be submissive to God. This allowed me take on a submissive attitude with my husband also.
I prayed for God to renew my love and passion for my husband. I prayed for God to show me how to respect my husband when I did not feel like it or feel he deserved it. Through the power of the Holy Spirit I was able to love and serve my husband with joy, placing his needs above my own. When I am feeling frustrated, lonely or angry I cry out to my Rock and Redeemer. In Christ I can be gentle and kind, desiring to be a blessing to my man. When I fail, I ask for forgiveness and try again. 1 John 1:9, Ps 116:1-2
So, how do you deal with a husband who doesn’t believe but you do? 1Peter 3: 1-4 says, “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words, by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”
Abiding in Christ enables a believing wife to live with and thrive in a happy marriage with her unbelieving husband. It is about a daily, sometimes minute by minute laying down of selfish ways, forgiveness, not neglecting God’s word or quiet time with your Savior and being obedient to God’s word- and pray, pray, pray. (John 15)
Here are some practical ways to apply God’s word:
1. I am paraphrasing 1 Peter 3:1, Keep your lips zipped. Allow your actions to speak of God’s love. Wait for the prompting of the Holy Spirit to use your words.
2. Read or study your bible, visit with Christian friends or teach your children godly principles when he is not around.
3. “Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.” 1 Cor 11:3 It is very important for your husband to know he comes BEFORE church activities and friends.
4. Take your frustration, anger, loneliness or hurt feelings to God first. Pour your heart out to Him and allow Christ to quiet your heart and heal your wounds. Then, if necessary, address the issue with your husband. (Ps 62:8)
For more encouragement, I recommend the book “Beloved Unbeliever” by Jo Berry
Do not give up hope. After 27 years of prayer my husband accepted Christ as his Savior!!!!!
~Deanna
Today’s post is a part of the “Put Your House In Order” Series. Please visit the ladies below for more on Parenting, Decorating, Cooking and Finances!Walk with the King!
Thank you to Tammy from Tammy Labuda Photography for her photos today. Tammy is a friend from my college days at the Moody Bible Institute. She is a Wedding and Lifestyle Portait Photographer based out of Dallas, Texas and she is willing to travel to you if you need a photographer. To see more of her portraits go to Tammy Labuda Photography or “Like” her Facebook page.
Decorating Hearts With Love from My Blessed Life
Showing Love Through Cupcakes from Good Cheap Eats
Marriage and Money in the Christian Home from Kingdom First Mom
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Thankfully, this wasn't the providence God had for me, but I know many, many Christian women (and many husband too) who are with unsaved spouses. Two of my best Christian friends are in this position – they were saved after they were married and their husbands are not saved….yet. One of my husband's best friends is a Christian with an unsaved wife. It's hard, but we certainly see love and happiness in these marriages between the couples. It can be done! Let's pray for them all today….
Dear Courtney – How I loved this post. It really spoke to my heart. I, too, had those challenges early in my marriage. My husband, though baptized in our church, didn't really pursue a relationship with God. I felt like Deana in your post. I resented all the 'ungodly' things he did. I felt like a martyr because I couldn't become active in my church without his support and I did focus on the negative. Then, after 12 years of marriage, the unexpected happened, my husband fell in love with God. The roles were now reversed. Now, HE wanted me to do the extra I had wanted from him. I became resentful of the fact that he could give so much to the church and I had had to give up everything. I resented how he took for granted that he could give his time to others when he wasn't giving it to us at home. I, ashamedly admit, I was JEALOUS of his relationship with God! Incredible, isn't it? It took another 9 years, but we're finally on the same page, both looking to serve God together. Praise God for His love and mercy! Thank you for this post!
What a great post – thank you for sharing!!
Oh love this post so much. My unsaved husband and I have been married for almost 11 years now. I continue to have faith that God will soften his heart but I also have all the same thoughts listed. Thank you for speaking a much needed word.
I was wondering if I could ask your readers (and you), what do you do if you and your spouse are on disagreements as to which church to attend?
Thank you for this post…I have much of the same feelings as Deana. What an encouragement this article has been.
Courtney, and all ladies, would you please pray for my sister Barbara and her husband, they've been married for over thirty years and we thought they were christians, now in the last several years he has become very verbally abusive and threatens to take her to court, he's always quoting scripture to prove his point. she often doesn't say anything to keep things from beoming worse.They have eight beautiful children with the youngest becoming 18 in March.
Oh Courtney!!
God is using you sooo much!! This was an awesome post!! I can identify with Deanna… my first marriage lasted 19+ years and then he chose to walk away… i am now married to a godly man who loves the Lord but i catch myself with the same attitudes especially the criticizing and not respecting just because his thoughts & ways are different than mine! THANK YOU THANK YOU for this reminder and lesson I am enjoying the James study and todays verse 2:1 goes right along with this–show no partiality oh so difficult to do (at least for me)
keep up the excellent work the King is using you to minister to many sisters!! I am so thankful I found your blog
All you ladies, please pray for my sister Barbara and her husband, they've been married for over thirty years and we thought they were christians at that time. now for several years he's been very verbally abusive and threatens to take her to court for things she has no control of, using scripture to prove his point. she often doesn't say anything so things won't become worse. they have eight beautiful children the youngest will be 18 in March. what is she to do?
I appreciate so much this post. When my husband and I got married almost 8 years ago we were both Christians. After suffering greatly with his health a couple of years ago my husband decided that God was no longer relevant here on earth and has since fallen heavily into agnostic and even atheistic teachings. It has been a huge struggle for me since I desire to raise my children in the knowledge and way of God. This post has given me a new perspective on the wife that I need to be for him and the woman of God I desire to be. Thank you so much.
I love reading stories like these. Its comforting to know that while it may not happen tomorrow, with much prayer i CAN happen.
i'm only 2 years in but covet your prayers!
This post was wonderful. My dad was not a believer when my parents married. They were together for almost 30 years and it was such a blessing when my daddy finally accepted Christ a few weeks before he passed last year. We didn't get to experience him being involved in church and walking with the Lord on this side of Heaven but it was such a comfort to know that we'll see him again in Heaven.
The post offers wonderful advice. This is a difficult situation that many people face.
How inspiring to hear that after 27 years, her husband was saved! What a wonderful article.
Thank you! I got married in the church with a willing husband over 10 years ago. I knew our faith experiences weren't the same, but I felt we would balance each other and grow together. That's happened in a lot of areas, except in church. I haven't gone to church in many years, siting as my excuse "I want it to be something we do together." And that's true, but not necessarily a good excuse. I've recently been trying to find ways to increase my faith…I've been missing it. Thank you for pointing out that I can pursue my faith with his being different.
This is the first time that I have seen a post on Spiritually mismatched marriages – it seems to be a topic that is normally ignored – and something that I need encouragement in!! Thank you for the encouragement.
I've been married for 34 years. Early in our marriage,my husband was thinking of becoming a minister. He brought me back to church. A few years later, he became bitter and lost his faith. He is a nonbeliever. I have felt so alone, and desperate. I am thinking of divorcing him. He has a harsh temper and I could never confide any of my thoughts or needs because he would erupt in an outrage. I can't believe God wants me to stay in a situation like this. I have tried to leave before and kept giving him another chance. I'm just so tired now. I don't know what to do. I want to follow what God wants me to do, but I feel God wants me get away from this and find peace in life somewhere else. I hope you'll pray for us. Loved this post.At least I know I'm not the only one facing this battle.
Dear Courtney ,
I love this post.I have been through the same situation.The moment I decided to change my attitude and behaviour towards my Christian husband who is a non-believer in Christ, rather than to change him,I could love him as he is -more and more.This love melted his stand.My husband slowly started to believe in Christ.He is growing now in his faith in Christ.Sometimes I wonder if He trusts in God more than me!!! Meanwhile I am learning that patience and love wins.My turbulent heart changed to a quiet and calm one now.It took about 10 years for me to understand this.
My husband was unsaved for the first 8 years of our marriage. One thing I learned was to pray but keep quiet. I never forced my beliefs on him or made him feel badly because he wasn't going to church with us. It wasn't me witnessing to him that finally brought him to saving grace, it was other men he worked with and a neighbor. I think my meekness in this area, really made him wonder what I had. We've been together for 17 1/2 years now and now enjoy a love and life based in Christ's love.
Blessings,
Mel
Please feel free to stop by: Trailing After God
Courtney-Thank you for this post. It is something that is weighing heavily on my mind lately as I grow in my relationship with Christ. My husband would say that he is a believer, baptised, confirmed, and a regular church attender. While I know that he believes, I know that he does not really have a relationship with Christ-in the words of Francis Chan "Lukewarm" at best.Sometimes I feel like I am pushed into a sinful situation by trying to be submissive to my husband. We don't really agree about which movies to watch, what friends to hang out with, and what is appropriate to expose the children to. I was just wondering if you have any thoughts on how to be submissive without being sinful. Thanks so much for all you do.
Tiffany
this is so beautiful!! what an encouragement to so many women.
Thank you so much for this post. My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years and after going through personal struggles, he decided several months ago that he doesn't believe anymore. It has been SO hard, and I have been experiencing all of those feelings Deanna wrote in the post. While it is difficult to know that I could have to endure this MUCH longer than a few months, I do have hope that he will come to know the Lord again one day. It is also encouraging to read everyone's comments. Thank you again…
What a beautiful and encouraging post! I'm married to a believer, but found many of the points to be just as valid for me.
And it gave me some insight into what others are working through too.
Thanks!
I've been struggling with this for several years and this is the first article I read on the subject. Thank you so much for this post!
Much love,
Karla
What an encouraging post! I too am married to an unbeliever and now that we have a son I find myself returning to some of these thoughts. I am going to post that passage from 1 Peter where I can see it daily as a reminder. My husband isn't a believer (yet), but I can still experience God's joy daily as I witness to my husband as He would have me to. Thank you!
What an amazing post!! My husband is a Christian. When we met and married, he had a very close walk with the Lord. He was such a great example to me; a baby Christian back then. But slowly as years went by and lots of tribulation, far beyond our control, began steam rolling thru our lives, he became backslidden. Tho' I have no idea what it is like to be unequally yoked, I do feel I've gotten a true taste of it. So, I gleaned A LOT from this post! It was very encouraging. I want to be a godly example to my hubby and not lose heart that he will one day be walking closely with the Lord again.
~A
Courtney,
Thank you for a great post on living in an unequally-yoked marriage. I have been married for 29 years and was saved 7 years into our marriage. It has been a difficult road over the years – but God is good and indeed gives us the strength to carry on and be a light to those in darkness. Asking God to renew the love you have for your spouse is key to seeing your mate as a gift from above, and not as a "burden to bear" or the old "martyr" syndrome.
I wrote a Christian book for women titled MISSION POSSIBLE. It gives the reader a glimpse into my marriage and quest to reach my husband for Christ.
Great blog you have Courtney. God bless…
http://www.Godmissionpossible.blogspot.com
Beautiful post. I love it!
What an awesome post, and great encouragement to those with unbelieving husbands. I want to forward this to my Mom, my Father is not a Christian but He attends church. I know the seeds are planted and I am just waiting for that bud to crack threw the dirt and flourish. Please keep my Dad in your prayers, that He would accept Jesus Christ in His heart and that He would become his Lord and Savior. Thank you!
Blessings!
Adrienne
Wow! What an excellent post! My heart is so convicted and encouraged and my husband is a believer.
Thank you so much Courtney and Deanna!
What a wonderful encouragement! Doing the right thing isn't always easy, but it is always RIGHT!
I wasnt going to read this post has i am no longer married and didnt think it applied to me. I divorced my husband 12 yrs ago but it wasnt an easy decision and life hasnt been easy since. I thought we believed the same things. We went to the same church and we appeared to walk the same road. However we cannot hide what is truely in our hearts and eventually it comes out. We were married for 12 yrs but for 8 of them years i lived in an abusive relationship, which both myself and my children continue to pay for. Attending the same church does not guarantee anything but having faith brings hope that things can be better. I still walk the same road i have always done but he, he walks a very different road.
What a great post! Thank you so much for sharing!
Thank you so much, I needed to hear this right now. I know I have been judging too much. The author's story is just like my life. It gives me strength to know that after 27 years her husband is saved. I pray that being faithful will create the same thing in my marriage.
Thank you for posting this!
Wow, I couldn't imagine being with a husband who doesn't believe. Although my marriage has had to deal with other issues. The children that my husband and I have LOVE God. But when it comes to my step children they don't believe in God. That can be hard as well. But we work our way through it.
Hi Courtney,
I want to thank you for sharing this beautiful woman's story. There are so many women who live in a spiritually mismatched marriage. They feel alone and judged by other believers, they struggle with how to honor God and their husbands. I so appreciate Deana's story. It's my story as well. It's also the passion the Lord has given me to help these women find others who are traveling this path.
We pick them up, dust them off, and we travel this crazy and mixed up journey to heaven, praying for and loving our husbands with fever. We also pray for them. Send them to us and we promise to help them see Jesus fresh and powerful in their marriages, BIG hugs, Lynn
http://www.spirituallyunequalmarriage.com/
Dear Courtney, I love this post. It spoke to my heart!!!!
Blessings from France
Thank you so much for this. My husband knows Jesus, but does not live for Him in a way that I desire for him to…. while I dig into my Bible for hours each day, listen to at least one sermon every day, and read Bible stories with my children, my husband tends to lean more toward Sunday Christianity, and it breaks my heart. This is a wonderful post not just for the wives of the unsaved, but for those of us who are married to "Sunday Christians".
I personally have read Beloved Unbeliever, and although I think it's a pretty good book, I know of a better one.
It's by Linda Davis and it's called "How to be the Happy Wife of an Unsaved Husband."
Here's a link to Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Happy-Wife-Unsaved-Husband/dp/088368358X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1297191695&sr=8-1
What a great post. It's great to apply this not only to husbands, but unbelievers in our life in general. Respect is KEY! Thanks for the post.
Awesome and encouraging post! What a mighty God we serve!
Thank you for this! So needed a different perspective!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for this post! There is nothing we need more than hope the constant reminder that our Beloved is more than enough.
I lived 1Pet3:1-4 with an unbelieving spouse for several years. I came to Christ first, and actually those verses were the first time I ever heard God speak directly to me. We had had a pretty big fight (worse than an argument, actually) over my faith and his refusal. I cried out to God to SHOW me what I was to do in the midst of his unbelief. That evening, as I read my Women's devotional bible, I was instructed to read those verses. I couldn't get over the very direct answer I had received. My husband loves the Lord today, and I still marvel at God telling me what to do as I waited.
Blessings,
Toni
Thank you for this post. I was saved a few years into my marriage, and my husband is still unsaved. For a while, I meant through many of the things you mentioned – fear for him, as well as anger that he wouldn't just "wake up & see the truth", then the smug "superiority" of feeling like I was more spiritual, judging him and treating him with resentment instead of respect.
I was also greatly helped by the book "Beloved Unbeliever". That book helped me to see that I needed to just live my faith and accept who he was, and stop trying to force a change in him. I was finally able to put his salvation back where it belong – in God's hands, and in God's timing.
It is still hard at times, not knowing if he will ever be saved, and wishing we could be the "model" family so many others seem to be, but I can respect and appreciate him as he is now, rather than feeling burdened by things beyond my control.
Thank you so much for the encouragement!
I've had young women come up to me and say to me, "well, you're happily married to an unbeliever, so I could be, too." I would tell them, "Yes, I am. I love my husband and God blesses marriage, even unequally yoked ones because He created marriage, but we're not receiving the FULL blessing he gives to a couple who are one under Him completely. It's also heartbreaking to know that should something happen now, my husband is going to spend eternity separated from God."
Thankfully, after 8 years of marriage and prayer, my husband has accepted Christ. Now it is a whole new ball of wax in wifehood for me as he journeys through Christian infancy and I must also toss aside preconceived ideas as to how he should be as a Christian. I also have the responsibility as his sister in Christ now concerning spiritual things as the Lord leads!
Very well said. You captured well some of the painful realities of women in unequally yoked marriages and gave very sound, Biblical advice for overcoming them.
I have been married to my beloved unbeliever for over 21 years now and I can add my endorsement of Jo Berry's book as well. It is one I read recently but wish I had read earlier in my marriage. My own review is here.
This is a very enlightening post and a great encouragement. I'm thankful I'm not in that situation, but I pray this will be beneficial to help me be more understanding of those who are.
One of the best posts I've read this year. Thank you so much for these precious reminders and teachings, they were just what I needed.
This is a great post and I agree with Deanna. I just want to point out a couple of things. One, having a joyful marriage to an unbeliever is possible but it's not permission to get married to one. Single ladies, please, let a relationship with Jesus be the top requirement for even considering dating a guy. Two, don't put up with abuse and addictions or any behaviors that put you and your children in danger in the hopes of "winning his soul". Your and your children's welfare come first. This is a lesson that, sadly, I learned the hard way.
Thank you so much for this post…. my husband is unsaved, grew up Catholic, and was not exposed to the Word himself much, and it's frustrating to love someone so much and not be able to share this deep part of life with each other. And yet often he is a better person than I am. We can learn lessons from each other and yet I know it's God's will that he come to know Christ. What I long for is to be pulling together toward the same goal, on the same road. And that our 3 young children would see us both united in faith as well as in our daily life. If anyone would like to pray for him, his name is Peter.
Just writing – thank you for adding your thoughts – I agree 100%!
Anonymous, saying a prayer for Peter right now.
Much Love,
Courtney
I can very much relate to this post. For the first 14 years of our marriage my husband was an unbeliever. After my son turned 5 we would go to church every Wednesday and Sunday on our own. My husband's heart changed slowly over time and now is a believer and was even a deacon at our current church. God obviously answers prayers. It was a long go but we made it thorugh, it was not easy. My mother has been married to my father for 50 years and I wouldn't say that he is an unbeliever but he has never gone to church as an adult. We continue to pray for his salvation.
Blessings
Diane
Another great book on mismatched marriages:
"Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch in Marriage" by Lee and Leslie Strobel
Very encouraging and confirming. Thank you!
Thanks a lot for the post, i washed my face with tears reading it, but make me fee better knowing that i am not the only one who feels like this, after 27 years, God give wisdom and strength to run my race with grace. May God bless your family evem more.
I too have been saved for about 16 years and in an unequally yoked marraige. Experienced all of those emotions but THANK GOD his word has been my guide so even though I have stumbled over and over -I confess , get back up and go on. My question is ,is it my imagination or is this subject not talked about too much in church circles? I was in a church once and wanted to form a group for support or at least be a part of it and there was great resistance to that. My understanding was that they thought it would be a big pity party or something. Sadly I think not allowing a group to be formed did more to cause us to feel isolated and discouraged. Praise God though He is faithful in everything. Still praying and believing for my unsaved husband!
Maid4Him – I'm so sorry there's not something for you in your church. The ladies ministry in my church has a group for ladies with unsaved husbands called "Caught in the middle". Many testify that it has helped them to have this community to comfort and encourage them. I do think there's a need…pray that God changes your pastor's heart…or consider starting it yourself!
Courtney
This is such a beautiful post. I have been a Christian for years and I know that deep within me, I love the LORD. But then, I fell in love with an unbeliever. He likes it that I am a Christian and is very supportive of my church involvement. In fact, he encourages it. He just could not grasp yet the concept of Christianity. I know that it is highly discouraged to marry an unbeliever because of the difficulties involved in it. And so I am preparing myself for the possible struggles that I will face should I pursue a marriage with this guy.
Thank you for this post. Truly helpful.
Thank you! I found this from Kelly’s Korner. I have been married for almost 7 years to someone who is not a believer. I take our two children to church and I sit alone, surrounded by my friends and their husbands. It is very hard. I sit here in tears right now because I have not been a Godly wife. I love my husband dearly, but I too have been plagued with how I want him to be versus how he is. I feel responsible for his salvation and get angry when he isn’t the husband I think he should be. I want him to care and love me, yet I am quick to cut him down and act as though I don’t love him. When we argue I know exactly what to say to hurt him as bad as he has hurt me. We had an argument last night that spilled over into this morning and I was not nice to him and it ended with me getting frustrated at my children as well. I was ashamed and embarrassed all the way to work this morning because of my words and my actions. None of my actions were Christ worthy. I want and need to be a better wife and mother and somehow I continue to think that can only happen if he is a better father and husband. Thank you for reminding me that is not the case. I need to do as the bible says, “1PE 3:1 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,” It does me no good to claim to be a Christian unless I act like one at all times. Thank you!!!
Oh my word, you just melted my heart with this post. It’s one I’ve needed for so long and I felt like you have shown me a sign from God that I have been praying for. Thank you!
Thank you so much for writing this post. I am a 21 year old daughter of an unequally yoked marriage. I can testify that I often see the pain and struggle that my precious mom has to go through, being married to an unsaved man. But I can also say that it is just as hard for my sister and I to have a dad who does not know Christ. It is our greatest desire for him to be saved, but we oftentimes struggle because we see the amazing men of Christ in our church and desire the same thing. It’s also hard not to get bitter at him at times; we have to constantly be reminding ourselves to set a Godly example, and to love him because he doesn’t know Christ. I want my father to know Jesus before walking me down the aisle. I want him to respect my commitments and my heart for missions, and not question whether or not I am wasting my time when I could be pursuing my professional career. I love my dad with my whole heart, I am a Daddy’s girl all the way… it’s just hard. Thank you!
I found your blog a few weeks ago as I was looking for more Godly women reading to influence my life. I searched your blog and found this post after recently talking with my husband about his beliefs. I grew up in a Christian household and his childhood was different. They believe in God, but it wasn’t as traditional as mine. When we met and began dating he began to go to church with me and eventually we were both baptized in our current church. He had expressed some of his beliefs and disbeliefs when we started dating, but I thought by the point he was baptized those things had changed. We were married a year ago and now I’m finding myself focusing on many of the things you mentioned in this post as he has again expressed his doubts about the Bible and other beliefs. My heart feels broken. Not by him, but for him. Oh, how I want him to firmly believe. Thank you for this post. I was struggling to see what I should do. Thank you for the encouragement and the reminder of how important respect is. I would really appreciate you prayers for my attitude and both of our relationship with God!
we have been married almost 8 years. we have a 4 and 1 year old. this post basically sums up our marriage to this point, except for one more MAJOR issue. i found out in june that my husband was having an affair. he says it’s over and he wants to work on “us” but he still denies that he needs God’s help. i know i should forgive him as God forgave us, but i don’t know that i can trust him ever again. how do i move forward in this marriage? we are up to our ears in contempt, bitterness, distrust, hurt, anger, defensiveness… i feel like i’m drowning when i’m with him. the only thing keeping me from serving him with the divorce papers i have in my inbox from my attorney is God and our kids. but i really have no desire to stay with him.
OH girl! You need more than what I can offer you in this little comment section! I am SO sorry this has happened in your marriage
I want God to restore your marriage but absolutely your husband has much repentance and proof of trustworthiness on the road ahead.
I have only one blog post I have written on this topic…and you have reminded me that I need to address this more deeply – I apologize that I don’t have more for you
http://womenlivingwell.org/2010/05/restoration-of-marriage-after-adultery/
I recommend that you talk to a counsellor or a trusted older woman friend or pastor. I also recommend this book titled “I Don’t Want a Divorce – A 90 Day Guide to Saving Your Marriage” by Dr. David Clarke. It would be a book you and your husband went through together – it is EXCELLENT and gets everything out in the open and on the table to deal with! Even if your husband doesn’t do it – I recommend you read it and try to do some of it.
Hope something here helps!
Love,
Courtney
Wow, this was the smack between the eyes I needed, thanks Courtney and Deanna! I came to know Christ after my husband and I got together. Immediately (not even a month) after I gave my life to the Lord my eyes were focused on my husband’s actions. I remember crying (literally) out to God in my car one day asking Him to show me how to react to and treat my husband. I “heard” a clear-as-a-bell voice speak softly, “Love him as I have loved you and have forgiven you. I’ll take care of the rest.” Those words still give me goosebumps today! It’s still undetermined by my human eyes as to where his heart is but I have learned to trust the Lord with my husband’s faith and I know God is totally trustworthy. Reading the comments truly touched and encouraged my heart. I do have to say sometimes I long to simply know where my husband stood. He goes to church, is involved at church, but his actions and words at home don’t often show that He really loves the Lord (he is NOT abusive though)Oh to only know which side of the “fence” he’s on. BUT the Lord used this post and the other comments to remind me I have SOOO much to be grateful for. I have a husband who attends church with me and does TRY and desire to be the leader in our home… now if I would just back off and let him
I can’t help but add just one more comment. I want you all to know Diane, Rachel, Dominque, and the many anonymous commenters out there that you have been lifted up to the Lord in prayer. And you too Courtney! Thank you so much for the encouragement you continue to bring to us. I also wanted to say that I have been a believer for 5 years and if you read my previous comment you know it wasn’t long after being saved i started to try and “save” my husband. Oh how I deceived ymself in thinking my intentions were “because I love him”. Just as Deanna stated in the post, my focus was wrong. Courtney I lvoed how you worded this in the post linked to this one. “How we handle our husband’s short comings reveals more about our own character than our husbands.” I just want to encourage you, and remind myself, that while God desires and longs for us to have spiritually equal marriages ( He longs for this more than we do btw), He is doing a great pruning in your life molding you into the WIFE He wants for your husband! Be Blessed Ladies
A million thank-yous! Doed Deanna have a blog? Please say yes!
Thank you so much for this!! My husband and I have been married for 7 years. I was saved about a 1 1/2 years ago and my husband took that walk down the aisle 5 months ago…and has since decided that he has no desire to pursue God in any way. He is annoyed with me as when I teach our children from the bible, talk about Jesus and he complains that he does not want to go to church and critizes anyone we meet at church. I have been focusing on all these wrong things and have been living defeated. It is so difficult to climb out of all the negativity at home and just be joyful in my Savior. After reading this I know that I need to change my focus off of all these things, and put it back on Jesus. So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” – Hebrews 13:6 I need to firmly recommit myself to cast all my cares on the Lord and just love and respect him even when I don’t feel like it. Thank you so much!
Oh! I just found this post, and although I knew everything you mentioned, I can ALWAYS use a reminder…however, you have given me such hope just by sharing that your husband accepted Christ after so long! We have been married 6 years…and sometimes I do worry that if He hasn’t accepted Christ as his savior by now, maybe he never will…but I just keep praying, and submitting, and being a quiet example as best I can! Thank you so much for the renewed hope!
I thank God for your post! I believe the Holy spirit lead me to this page. when i read your introduction to the page i had to stop every 5 seconds because i couldn’t stop crying because everything you wrote was how i viewed every aspect of my marriage in such a negitive sense. my husband is loving and caring and was brought up in a bible based home and i just didn’t understand why he didn’t know the Lord like i did. He doesn’t mind going to church though he is not living a christian lifestyle and the Lord let me know that people may know of Me but my husband has never really met Christ and tht there is such a big difference. My husband is a daily Weed smoker and it bothers me so much, even when we were dating i hated it, we got married when i was in a backslide state and after marriage the Lord drew me back to Him. to make a long story short i’ve always felt a sense of guilt about my marriage because no one on my side of the family knows he is a daily weed smoker and my mother is a minister and i am just so ashamed. in all i just want to thank God for you and the words of wisdom he has given you. please keep me in prayer for God to change my heart and for salvation for my husband thank you.
What a fantastic post. More encouragement like this is definitely needed. Often we can feel judged by other christians and can be hard on ourselves, carrying around the guilt of being spiritually mismatched. Thank Jesus for his grace and strength. I am married to an unbeliever. At the time of my marriage I was judged so incredibly harshly by some christians telling me I wasn’t obeying God’s will and this wasn’t what God wanted for me. I experienced what I can only describe as a terrible period of doubt and confusion. I had prayed so much for God to provide me with a partner, somone I could love and who would love me and my now husband came into my life. He knew from day one about my faith and belief in Jesus and he has shown me nothing but respect and encourages me to pray and go to church, even though he is ‘agnostic.’ As time goes on I thank God for him, he is a wonderful man. I won’t deny it’s not always easy, there are times when I wish we could pray together and he would just believe. I find the devil and often reminds me that I am unequally yoked and I can be overwhelmed with a feeling of guilt that I have disappointed God, but I try hard to pray and remember that there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. I found this post so very helpful and encouraging. It is vital to focus on God and the strength he gives and commit everything to him in prayer. Thank you so much for this post.
Amazingly said. I loved every word.
I will be sharing this post next Tuesday at my {Wives Book Study}. We are studying “The Politically Incorrect Wife.” – THis is perfect! THank you!
I have looked over several Christian blogs, looking for posts on this issue, but until now haven’t found any. Thank you to Diana for sharing her heart.
We were married two years when the Lord saved me. It’s been a long ten years since then, but my husband is still outside of Christ. I have so often struggled with these same thoughts and am even now struggling with respecting him and the decisions he is making for our family. He goes to church with me every Sunday, every service. He hears the Word. He gives generously, regularly, and for extra needs. I get discouraged wondering when the Lord will work. I’m learning to be patient in the waiting, but it’s something that God keeps bringing me back to–His timing is perfect, not mine!! Thank you for sharing this and I hope you will pray for my husband too.
27 years! Today, I don’t know if I will survive that! I know that it is wrong to feel this way. I know that that is just a feeling. I know that God will restore my wounds, even if he never finds his way to Christ. BUT today…the thought of dealing with this for 27 more years makes my stomach turn, my heart race, and takes my breath away. Thank you for your story. I know that another day God will bring it to my mind and I will feel hope. But today…is not that day.
I just want to thank you so much for you post. When I married my husband he claimed to be a believer. We went to church together, we grew up in church. But life threw so much at us between him losing several jobs, financial troubles, that he just snapped and said there is no God. I have been praying for him. We have a young daughter and oddly enough even though he feels this way, he still goes to church, he encourages her to go, pray, and even teaches her Bible songs. I am so thankful to God for that. Seeing all of this made me think he does believe again until yesterday. He said he believes that the institution of church is nice and great for guidance but does he believe if he prays to God he will ever answer a prayer. He said no. He hasn’t been living a godly lifestyle at all, and his view is so if when he was praying God did so many things to him and didn’t answer his prayers, what does it matter. To him the bad things happen if he believes or doesn’t, so to him what ‘s the point. He said the only incentive he sees is not going to hell. If you would all please prayer for him and God will show himself to him and soften his heart again. To be honest my husband knows the Bible better than I do and I find it hard talking to him about all of these things when he does know about God and everything. Thank you so much for this post. It is nice not to feel alone in the situation. I didn’t knowingly marry an unbeliever, but it sure seems like everyone avoids talking about unequally yoked marriages, but what about those that fell away from Christ and decided not to believe after marriage. God Bless you for posting and thank you for the prayers!
Wow. My husband is the Pastor of a new church plant. We have about 170 ppl and about 15 women who come faithfully without their husbands. I have recently felt such a burden for these women (knowing how I struggle as a wife even with a godly husband). I put together a group we are calling “adorned” (after 1 Peter 3) where we will meet only once/month to encourage these women and plead with the Lord to save their husbands and give them grace so they can be a means He uses. I’ve been putting together notes, feeling so inadequate to speak on this. I’m compassionate toward these women in our church, but this post showed me that I’m not near enough. You pointed out some things that I would’ve never been able to assume they go thru. Their burden is so much bigger than my words could ever soothe. I pray the Spirit will speak thru me and point them to the “God of all comfort” who will strengthen them for the amazing calling He has given them. Thank you for your insight.
I have only been married four years. My husband was devoted to God and church while we were dating, then the Sunday after we were married he stopped going to church and having a relationship with God. My biggest standard was to marry a godly man, now i just feel trapped in misery. I feel very sad when I’m at church by myself and everyone asked,”where is your husband?” it embarrasses me. Our relationship struggles because we have nothing in common now and I cant share my relationship with God with him. God is the most important person in my life. I know its wrong for me not to believe, Gods word says all things are possible with him and I do try my best to believe that. But some days are so hard. Not only that most of the time I feel like he doesnt love me I dont want to start a family with an unsaved husband. I dont know what to do. Any suggestions?
Tracey,
I have been married almost a year and a half. The exact thing happened to me, except it was about 8 months into our marriage. It has been SO hard. I had the same standard of marrying a christian man. I honestly wouldn’t have married my husband if he had come to this decision before. I feel stuck and trapped and that my life is going to be miserable because God doesn’t want me to divorce. My husband is just a different person than the man I married and we barely have anything in common anymore. Over the weekend I tried start up some conversation with him and asked, “How do you want to make a difference in this world?” He said, “I don’t really want to make a difference.” How did I marry someone who doesn’t want to make a difference! We don’t have the same dreams or goals. This is so hard. I would love to maybe keep up with you and we could help each other.
Great, inspirational and educational story! Thank you for giving me the answers to every question which has crossed my mind about my husband. I will continue to pray and have faith that my husband will accept Jesus as his Savior.
thank you so much for this post It has been a big eye opener
I found your site online after searching and searching for an answer. My husband told me last night that he is pulling away from Christianity and no longer believes. We have 2 daughters, married for 11 years and have always gone to church, been part of small groups and lived Christian lives. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, I don’t know how to carry on as a Christian wife and mother.
Thank you so much for your reflection and humble sharing of your initial negative focus. I am struggling with this right now, and I could hear my voice in each of those negative statements. This is a very powerful reminder for me to worry less about what’s not being done and focus more on prayer, showing God’s love even though the situation is not how I’d like it to be, and to spend more time “abiding in Christ.”
Hi, I know I am soooo late from when you posted this, but I found it just in time. I was married in 2007 to a christian man. He worked for God, all the time, giving bible studies, praying, etc.. and I was the one who was not in the vision with him. I was a christian, but didn’t walk close to God. He would wake up to pray and wanted me to pray with him, I would ask him to let me sleep. He would want to have bible studies at the house and I would tell him not to count with me, I was too busy. I was dumb, because in 2010, he walked away from God. We had our 1st son in 2011 and am expecting our 2nd due in July 2013. And I can’t take it anymore. I feel like I can’t wait soo much for him to come back to God. I know some women have waited 20 or more years, but I just can’t see myself waiting that long. I hope someone reads my post.
God Bless You! This post is timeless, and right on time for me! Your points are spot on and so true. Thank you for speaking the truth in love!
All I can say is thank upi so very much. I’ve been asking myself everyday during this first year of marriage what do I do when my husband seem to have no desire for God. Many times, I’ve simply wanted to walk away. He has been more of an influence on me than I have been on him because I’ve wanted to please him. I’ve been rebelling against Gd for the last year. But fortunately, I’ve Ben faithfully going to church…. Only because I work in ministry….but if I didn’t, who knows where I would be. My husband doesn’t trust Christians and definitely not ministers. He is stong willed and his mind is convinced that church is a fraud…. And to him… He knows there is something bigger than him out there….but not God….in his life…he believes he controls everything….not some God as he says. But I’m gonna hang in here and try some of your tips….AGAIN THANK YOU.
Both articles are good and what surprised me is just HOW MANY women are in mismatched situations and/or with husbands who don’t believe or are unable to lead. This is very sad. I read many of the comments and I believe one thing missing from the conversation is an acknowledgment that some women may be in such an unsafe or unhealthy marriage they truly should get away from it. I do not believe our Lord intends women to remain in some situations and to live their life as the sacrifice for their husband. A Godly woman who is in fear for her life need not ‘hang in there’ and allow herself to be abused either emotionally, verbally or physically. Sometimes it is not the woman’s responsibility to ‘save’ her husband or to subtly ‘teach’ her husband or to ‘live with’ un-godly treatment. Sometimes the Godly thing to do must be to be strong enough through Christ to remove yourself from evil.