/ / / Did I Marry the Wrong Person? {Genesis 24-25}

Did I Marry the Wrong Person? {Genesis 24-25}

Marriage starts off as bliss. But over the years as conflicts arise, marriage grows hard and we may wonder "Did I marry the wrong person?  #Biblestudy #Genesis #WomensBibleStudy #GoodMorningGirls

Do you ever have hard days in your marriage and wonder if you married the wrong person? Perhaps your spouse has failed to meet your expectations or completely changed into a person you do not recognize. Then what?

Today, we are covering the reading from  Genesis 24 & 25.  We see a beautiful love story as God orchestrates the finding of Rebekah to marry Isaac.

Abraham’s servant is sent to the city of Nahor. These are the words of the servant:

“Let the young woman to who I shall say ‘Please let down your jar that I may drink,’ and who shall say, ‘Drink, and I will water your camel’ – let her be the one whom you have appointed for your servant Isaac.” Genesis 24:14

Before the servant had finished speaking – beautiful Rebekah appears and fulfills his words!

Boom – just like that we have a love connection!

And off to the father and brother of Rebekah the servant goes, asking for her hand in marriage.  The request is granted and not a day passes and Rebekah is whisked away to a new land.  Now watch this marriage as it takes place.

Genesis 24:64-67

64 Rebekah also looked up and saw Isaac. She got down from her camel 65 and asked the servant, “Who is that man in the field coming to meet us?”

“He is my master,” the servant answered. So she took her veil and covered herself.

66 Then the servant told Isaac all he had done. 67 Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.

Match made in heaven right?  Well, almost.

I mean it was clearly orchestrated sovereignly by God.  Rebekah had a beautiful trusting spirit that led her to leave her own family, at the drop of a hat, and marry Issac.  And all seems well until…the kids show up.

First, we see in Genesis 25, Rebekah is barren.  Once again, God’s chosen people are being forced to depend upon God for the opening of their womb.  After Isaac’s prayer, Rebekah conceives with twins. But her pregnancy doesn’t seem normal as the children are wrestling IN HER WOMB!  Bah!

Can you imagine?  And she inquires of the Lord why and He answers in Genesis 25:23:

And the Lord said to her,

“Two nations are in your womb,
and two peoples from within you shall be divided;
the one shall be stronger than the other,
the older shall serve the younger.”

This was a prophecy of what was to come.  Esau and Jacob would be born and Jacob would steal Esau’s blessing.

And here’s the kicker, Isaac favored Esau over Jacob and Rebekah favored Jacob over Esau.  This laid the grown work for marital issues.

Rebekah orchestrated a plan to deceive her own husband and trick him into giving the birthright to her favorite son.

Deception. Manipulation.  Failed expectations.

In Genesis 27:33, we see how Isaac responds to Rebekah’s trickery:

 33 Then Isaac trembled very violently and said, “Who was it then that hunted game and brought it to me, and I ate it all before you came, and I have blessed him? Yes, and he shall be blessed.”

Uh Oh – a match made in heaven?  I’m thinking that’s not how Isaac is feeling right about now.  But he did not marry the wrong person. We know clearly from how their marriage began, this was definitely the wife Isaac was to have.

Often times, marriage begins in wedded bliss but as the years pass on and conflict arises we can look at the person we married and think – what have I done?  I hear so many stories of women saying, he’s not who I thought I married or I married the wrong person – can I get out?

Marriage is hard.  As I read the true stories of Godly men and women in the Bible, I see that their marriages were a struggle too.  I see the pain and suffering that sin inside the marriage causes. I see flawed heroes in need of the same grace of Jesus as we need in our marriages today.

May we remember that no man – no matter how Godly he appears at the start – is perfect.  Stress and selfishness and sin can creep into all marriages. None of us are immune to the effects of sin.  Conflicts in marriage do not mean we married the wrong person.

Conflicts are not a sign you've married the wrong person. They simply affirm you are human.  #Biblestudy #Genesis #WomensBibleStudy #GoodMorningGirls

Let’s commit ourselves once again to the man we vowed before God and man, to love to the end.

Commit to work through the hard things and give grace for his short-comings.

Remember that our husbands are married to us – sinners. We fail them sometimes too and we need their grace in those moments.

Rebekah reaped some hard consequences for her poor choices and we’ll discuss those on Friday.

But until then ~

Chime In:

Do you relate to the changes that kids and stress bring into marriage? Have you struggled at times with the thought that maybe you married the wrong person? Do you see how the enemy would like to use these thoughts to break your faithfulness to your husband?

Rebekah was beautiful but she allowed her inner beauty to fade.  How are you working on your inner beauty for your husband?

 

Genesis 24 discussion question

Walk with the King,

Courtney

This week’s reading plan:

Genesis Reading Plan Week 4

**Disclaimer: If your husband is abusing you or has been unfaithful, please seek safety and counseling.

 

46 Comments

  1. I got married 5 days after I turned 18. 12 days later my husband left for Germany and 2 months after that he was deployed to Iraq. I didn’t see him again for a year. When he came back he had PTSD and it was difficult to say the least. The next year he deployed again and his PTSD became worse after he was hit with an IED. I asked myself daily what I was still doing in my marriage. I would have days where I would go to the bathroom and cry because I was ready to give up. Every time I would ask God to help me and every time I walked out of the bathroom and faced another day. That was 6 years ago. My 11 year anniversary is next month. God gave me the right person and the love and patience to get through an insanely rough time.

    1. Brandee,

      I am so thankful that the Lord sustained you and you pushed through this dark time in you life. Now your testimony of faithfulness will give strength and comfort to others who are walking the same road you have walked.

      Thank you for sharing this Brandee.
      Courtney

    2. Brandee, thank you for your sacrifice for our country! And thank you for sharing your story. It gives hope. May we always share to build eachother up, not tear each other down.

    3. I am so blessed to read your story. God has strengthened you, but YOU made the decisions you did. Thank you for being a shining example of faith in a marriage.

    4. Brandee, I too am thankful for your sacrifice and for the sacrifice/service of your husband. I cannot imagine what you both have been through, but it is such a blessing to hear that God’s grace is sufficient and has sustained you. God bless you and your family.

    5. Brandee, it sounds like the struggles that you were able to get through are similar to what I am currently dealing with. My husband a veteran of Iraq is injured and also suffering with PTSD. I am having such a hard time finding the right way to help him while also supporting and orchestrating my young family. Is there any saving grace you found in between the prayers that made it easier?

  2. I know this post is about marriage, but I just had a comment about Jacob and Esau. You said Jacob stole the birthright, but he didn’t steal anything. At best, you might be able to say he tricked Esau but I would argue even that is not accurate. Esau knowingly sold it. There is a great lesson in that story that becomes lost with the word ‘stole’. As we read in the quoted scripture from this post, Jacob was chosen and foreordained by the Lord to rule over Esau.

    1. Hi Jamie!

      Thank you so much for your input – I changed that one sentence to say “blessing” rather than “birthright”. You are correct – he sold the birthright. Thank you!

      I just googled “Jacob steals Esau’s birthright” and I see many pastors use those terms for this portion of scripture and I think it was how I was always taught – but you bring up a valid point. Thank you so much! 🙂 I appreciate you pointing this out and correcting me!

      Lots of Love,
      Courtney

      1. I always thought that Jacob “stole” Esau’s birthright, but reading the passage this morning it’s clear as day – there was no trickery, no deception, and no theft involved at all! It was a clear, simple transaction – my stew for your inheritance…
        I was shocked to realise how I could have misheard/been mistaught this idea for SO LONG!! Just shows the importance of reading Scripture FOR OURSELVES – and reminded me how valuable your Reading through the Bible series is!
        Thank you <3

        1. There are many things that are misheard or we just believe what we’re told without checking it out ourselves. A very costly mistake. I would like to add Esau had no problem selling his birthright because he thought very little of it in the first place. If you study what the birthright truly means there is so much meaning and depth to it. It’s a biblical model we’ve put into practice in our family. Happy studying! :))

  3. I don’t think I married the “wrong person”- fortunately God blessed me with the ONE person on earth who would put up with me at my absolute worst 😉 … but I’ll be honest and say there are times when I wonder why I got married at all – times when it seems like all we do is argue, complain, miscommunicate…
    I love this quote from your post: “Let’s commit ourselves once again to the man we vowed before God and man, to love to the end. Commit to work through the hard things and give grace for his short-comings. Remember that our husbands are married to us – sinners. We fail them sometimes too and we need their grace in those moments.”
    I’m going to print that out and remind myself of it often!! <3

  4. I’ve only been married exactly 10 months today. I am still to experience the worst and best parts of marriage. I have purposed in my heart to live out Proverbs 31:12 for as long as i am married to my husband through God’s mercies. ‘To do him good and not evil all the days of my life’

  5. I’ve been married for 10 months. 2 months ago, my husband allowed contact with an ex. He failed to tell her he was married and diminished me to just a girlfriend. He asked for forgiveness and as part of the healing process, we are attending a marriage intimacy class at church. Last week’s assignment was to learn how to ask for forgiveness and to forgive. At this point, he confessed that when he met me, he had been separated for 2 months after a 6 week marriage. His divorce wasn’t final until one month before we got married. He said he hadn’t told me because he was afraid to lose me. Frankly, I don’t think I wouldn’t have even dated him had I known this. I have really struggled deciding if everything is a lie and if he’s even the person I thought I married. This article helps reinforce the fact that I need to learn how to extend the grace God’s had towards me and share it with my husband. But it is so hard…so, so hard.

    1. Alma, I come from a similar situation, and I wasn’t being faithful to God during that time in my life either. Now almost 6 years into my marriage I’ve rediscovered my faith and finding that its causing me a lot of pain in my marriage. More so because of the choices I’ve made in the last 7 years which lead to my marriage and where I am at today. Its a daily struggle for me right now wondering if I should just get out but its all so complicated. I needed to find this post today 🙂

  6. I’ve been married almost 4 years in March (2nd marriage)…I’ve asked myself these questions over and over again a lot in the last 3 years. I feel like the man I married is lost by his own demons and I don’t really think he wants to let go of them. From December of last year to June of this we were separated – he went to “fight” his demons and I was just lost of not sure what I needed to do other than heal. He came back and asked for forgiveness – I prayed to help me forgive and forgave. But it seems a few of the demons have came back to play…and I wonder if I was just a fool to give this another go or if I should have walked away 6 months ago. I so want to work with your words of “Let’s commit ourselves once again to the man we vowed before God and man, to love to the end. Commit to work through the hard things and give grace for his short-comings” but at the same time I’m not sure if I’m just stuck in a cycle that won’t end.

  7. Great post, if only it were so simple.
    My husband brought me to the Lord, for that I am eternally grateful. He’s an exceptional provider for myself and our kids, but that is where it ends. Abused as a child, he’s full of anger and completely closed off emotionally. He has made drastic changes, but the initial issue remains.
    Despite all our efforts, our marriage is completely empty and non-existant. We don’t talk, we don’t share any time together,….. we live different lives. He does his thing, and I spend 24-7 tending to the kids and the house — basically working.
    We’ve literally tried everything. We may grow and change as individuals but our marriage just keeps getting worse and more distant.
    I think everyday that I married the wrong person. I regret it daily and constantly ask God why, and ask him to show me what he wants to come from this….The thought of being stuck in a loveless, emotionally empty marriage with no way to improve it is beyond comprehension.

    1. Love is a choice. You need to be the woman that God created you to be. I KNOW that this is a hard road but we have to stick with it. God is enough. He will always be enough. When we commit to our husbands it is for life, it’s a covenant before God. Marriage is about self sacrifice. Even when it hurts, even when it’s hard, even when we aren’t feeling it. Keep praying for your husband. Go out of your way to serve him. Do not give up. Keep your head up and your heart directed towards God. He will never fail you.

    2. I am sorry to hear about the emotional pain you experience each day beloved sister. You must be a great woman. Your story reminds me of a christian song by Matthew West. Hopefully he doesn’t mind if I share his words with you.

      You must, You must think I’m strong
      To give me what I’m going through

      Well forgive me
      Forgive me if I’m wrong
      But this looks like more than I can do
      On my own

      (Chorus)
      I know I’m not strong enough to be
      Everything that I’m supposed to be
      I give up
      I’m not stong enough
      Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
      Lord right now I’m asking you to be
      Strong enough
      Strong enough
      For the both of us

      Well, maybe, maybe that’s the point
      To reach the point of giving up
      Cause when I’m finally
      Finally at rock bottom
      Well, that’s when I start looking up
      And reaching out

      Chorus

      Cause I’m broken
      Down to nothing
      But I’m still holding on to the one thing
      You are God
      and You are strong
      When I am weak

      I can do all things
      Through Christ who gives me strength
      And I don’t have to be
      Strong enough
      Strong enough

      I can do all things
      Through Christ who gives me strength
      And I don’t have to be
      Strong enough
      Strong enough

      There is a purpose in all we go through. What ever we choose will teach us something. Whatever we experience will help us grow into something worthwhile if we allow it to. One thing I have thought of in my marriage is that my experiences here on earth are not just for the time I am here on earth. The relationships I create don’t have to be perfected while I am here even though that is nice. Sometimes the most difficult times can be looked back at with tenderness even though they were not enjoyable while we were going through them. One thing I know for sure is that God is very interested in marriages and He wants us to be happy. He wants to help us work things out, and if you believe in eternity that gives you a lot of time to work things out. I know of people who have died who later let their descendants know they loved one another and had worked things out since they died. My grandparents divorced when my mom was 12 and my grandma died when I was in my early 20s. My grandpa had been an alcoholic up until about 5 years ago, right before I ended up moving close to where he lived. When I moved close I decided I wanted to get to know my grandpa and develop a relationship with him. As I started doing that. I felt that my grandma still had concern and love for my grandpa and God was giving her a chance to help my grandpa through me. I know God cares about families and individuals. He has a purpose and an eternal plan. You are special to Him. Good luck, I hope it gets better.

  8. Oh man!! I have asked myself this question more times then I’d like to admit. I would see fault in my husband or we would argue and I’d say “WHAT WAS I THINKING???”. I believe that it is soooo very important to seek God and Gods match for you before marrying and I did not do that. My husband is not saved (though I am still praying and claiming it, in Jesus name!) and as a result my marriage has had plenty of rough patches, especially when our parenting styles come into play. I don’t know if my husband is the one I was suppose to be with, but I do know that God can still work in my marriage and on each one of us individually. And I’m claiming a Godly marriage, family, and household.

    1. I heard once there isn’t a one but the person you marry becomes the one when you marry them. I believe we could marry a number of different people and things may be a little easier or harder based on which person we choose to marry but overall a marriage to any of them could be worked out and succeed eventually, especially if we don’t put the limitation of mortality on it.

  9. I have been married for 18 years and it has been the most grueling and most rewarding 18 years of my life. There were times when I needed space and God opened doors for me that allowed me that time to reflect, pray, and come back to the man I pledged my troth to. There have been seasons of misunderstanding as well as seasons of such abundant love I cannot comprehend how the human heart can hold it all. Have I wondered, “did I marry the wrong person?”, I can’t think of anyone who honestly hasn’t wondered that at times, would I do it all over again? Yes, in a heartbeat. Along with turning to God, I recommend sitting down and listing all the experiences you’ve shared together. Can you imagine any of them without your mate? This exercise alone showed me that God was at work when He brought us together and is still at work today.

  10. This is a very helpful post, but my question is what if the husband doesn’t want to do the work too. After 5 years of prayers, 2 kids, and being a single parent with a husband who comes home at night to sit and do NOTHING I wonder daily WHY!?!?! I know that God put me here for a reason, and divorce is awful, but what is it doing for my kids and for myself to suffer through this? I try and I pray everyday for God to help me and him, but when it’s a one sided marriage and trying is just one person there are days where I wonder if it’s worth it anymore. There are the few days once a month that we do get it and it’s back to how it used to be, but one or two days a month out of 30/31 isn’t enough to make me feel that it’s worth it. I work, I go to school, I take care of the kids (both special needs), I do the house stuff, I do the cooking, I do the cleaning, I do the parenting, and he’s just there as a 3rd child. So, I ask “Did I marry the wrong person, who I’m now a mom to also?” Why isn’t his fault that he’s not trying. So, often it’s turned to be the Proverbs 31 wife. The bible says for a man to love his wife as Christ loves the church, that doesn’t mean he just gets to sit back and do nothing. To me (I could be wrong) that means he needs to be the person who is there for the family and the wife. He’s emotional, physically, and prayerfully there for the family and wife. They are a team as the church and Christ are. We are praying to our heavenly husband, but our hearts our tired and they are exhausted. Our eyes are dry and we keep going. We just ask every day why?!?! Even though we say it to our spouse what we need, we yell it sometimes, we cry it, we pray it, but ALL too often it’s falling on deaf ears and deaf hearts. We are praying to our heavenly husband, but our hearts our tired and they are exhausted.

    1. Oh Dear Sister, I am sorry things have been so hard for you. It would be hard to not wonder why in that situation. I have similar expectations of my husband at times and it’s painful to want good things and not be able to have them because someone else isn’t what we wish they were. The Lord loves you. He wouldn’t expect you to do something that could not be made into a blessing for you someday, especially because you are trying so hard to do the right things. Your desires are worthy. Don’t give up on your desires. The Lord understands things are difficult and with love He works with us to make the best of what we choose. You are becoming something from your experiences and someday things might look a lot better than they look now. Do your best and the Lord will bless you whatever you end up doing.

  11. Having been married over 20 years, I think everyone has that thought from time to time, but for me, it was a mindset from before our vows that this was a lifetime decision. We have each changed, but thankfully we have changed together and are more in love now than ever. Was it always that way? No. Marriage is hard work and it is never “done”. It is always a living, growing thing. It needs to be fed and nourished, or it will die. One of the biggest things for us is that we always have a deep respect for each other and I do not on purpose do things that would hurt him. Don’t let those thoughts take over in your mind (I know it is tempting when you picking up those clothes off the floor or whatever it is you’ve asked him 1000 times to do) Just practice turning it around in your brain. (I am blessed that I have socks to pick up, because that means my husband is still here and alive and loving me) I am by no means perfect and I think it is a balance to be married. No one is giving 100% always. It is not possible. Thankfully, by the grace of God, when I am not giving 100%, my spouse picks up the slack and vise versa.Years ago I was making cinnamon rolls for someone and put all the small pieces and cut ends, etc in a pan and baked them for my husband and son. My son looked at them at dinner and said “why do we always get the scraps?”. WOW – it was as if the Lord was speaking to me there. In life we give our family the scraps (our worst behaviors) and save the best for others, our co-workers, friends, etc. It made me really think about giving the best of me to my God and my family first. The other pieces of me are just as good, and will be a blessing to someone as well, but if I’m not a blessing to my spouse and child, then I need to stop and fix that first. And over the last 21 years I have prayed a lot for my husband. Lots and lots. And sometimes it took a long time to see the answer to those prayers, and I’m talking years. Just some thoughts. Marriage is work, but so worth it.

  12. I think having children GREATLY increased the stress in our marriage. There are other factors, too, but I will focus on the parenting part.

    Becoming a parent has brought my own extreme selfishness, fear, and insecurity to the surface like nothing else has. My selfish desire to have more free time for other interests and less time and energy spent on cooking and training up humans. So I am grumpy and whiny a lot. I’m sure that’s REAL fun for my husband. I’m sure he wonders where the “excited for life” woman he married went.

    On the flip side, I wonder the same about him. I think we have simply lost joy due to the demands and the unpleasantness of child rearing. I think we both feel we have had to give up a lot when children came along. Maybe that is a big disadvantage to marrying later and having children even later.

    Also, I think we are so tired because we haven’t been taking care of our bodies, our temples. Or dang it! Maybe we’re just old! lol

    I think we need to take care of our bodies and start focusing on spending quality and memorable time together as a family. And I definitely need to extend grace to him. He is so good. Not perfect and not the man I held on a pedestal at the altar. But so good. So faithful. So dedicated.

    On that note…let me go joyfully pick up the playdough and finalize dinner options. 🙂

  13. I just happen to see you post this or someone did on Pinterest. I really need to read this… My husband and I have been together for 7 years but married 5. Things have been really rocky with a loss of a baby and jobs. He also has an ex wife and a child with her that is a constant battle. He has said some very absent minded of the world hurtful things that I just feel unbearable at times because I don’t know how to view myself after them. He says he doesn’t feel that way and that he love me unconditionally but so hard to feel that when you’ve heard him say other things in front of his friends.. He just becomes more of the world when they are around because they aren’t believers like we are and he has only been since meeting me 7 years ago.. I do believe he is my soul mate and we have 1 beautiful daughter and another on the way so this helped me to remember that there is always good and bad but God has a plan for it all! 🙂 THANKS!

  14. What would you say to someone dealing with an abusive husband? My husband is currently sitting in jail waiting to go to court for a release date. After several beatings and being strangled, are you telling me I should stay with this man? Maybe I did marry the wrong man. How do you know when is the right time to let go?

    1. Elle,

      I am so sorry for what you have been through. I would never tell a woman to stay and not get out to safety or get help if she has an abusive husband.

      You must have missed this sentence at the bottom of the post:

      “**Disclaimer: If your husband is abusing you or has been unfaithful, please seek safety and counseling.”

      This is something that comes up often as I write about marriage which is why I included this disclaimer before publishing this post. I always point women towards protecting themselves, leaving for safety, enforcing the law to protect themselves and getting outside counsel from a pastor or counselor. If you do not have someone in your life who can counsel you – please call the Focus on the Family Free counseling hotline at: 1-855-771-HELP (4357)

      Saying a prayer for you now Elle.
      Lots of Love,
      Courtney

    2. Elle,

      You do not stay with someone who has tried to harm you the way you describe. You take yourself and your children and you get to safety and you get some counseling. Different circumstances, but I’ve been where you are. After 12 years of abuse, I took the steps necessary to save myself and my children. There is a fine line, some people will quote scripture and tell you to prayer harder. But the advice given to you by Courtney IS gospel truth. I would find it very hard to believe that God expects us to be treated this way when His Words tell us different. PLEASE be safe and know that WE will be praying for you, your safety and that you feel God’s arms around you!!

  15. ” Is He the One I was Suppose to Marry”? I have been extremely confused. Being Married for 16 years and the last four, staying for my kids to keep our family together. After years of off and on again Emotional Abuse plus Drinking issues. I have had no emotional , physical or Spiritual connection with my husband over the last four years. My heart has no feelings for him. I am ready to do what I want for myself, but that includes Divorce. Church family and friends say this is salvageable. It took me many years to feel this way, which will takes years to be back in love with him. Will God forgive me if I do Divorce?

    1. One thing I have thought of in my marriage is that my experiences here on earth are not just for the time I am here on earth. The relationships I create don’t have to be perfected while I am here, even though that is nice. Sometimes the most difficult times can be looked back at with tenderness even though they were not enjoyable while we were going through them. One thing I know for sure is that God is very interested in marriages and He wants us to be happy. He wants to help us work things out, and if you believe in eternity that gives you a lot of time to work things out. My grandparents divorced when my mom was 12 and my grandma died when I was in my early 20s. My grandpa had been an alcoholic up until about 5 years ago, right before I ended up moving close to where he lived. When I moved close I decided I wanted to get to know my grandpa and develop a relationship with him. As I started doing that, I felt that my grandma still had concern and love for my grandpa and God was giving her a chance to help my grandpa through me. I know God cares about families and individuals. He has a purpose and an eternal plan for each person and family. He has given us the power to choose and because of Jesus Christ atonement for us, we can learn from and become better from what ever we experience or choose be it right or wrong. The Lord understands things are difficult and with love He works with us to make the best of what we choose. You are becoming something from your experiences and someday things might look a lot better than they look now. Good luck. I hope things get better whatever you choose to do.

  16. My husband and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary yesterday. We married after dating for 4 months. I love that man with every fiber of my being but sadly there are times I wonder if I made the right decision. He came in to the marriage with 2 high school age daughters (now 22 and almost 20) and I came in to the marriage with a 3 year old daughter (now 6). If only the older girls were accepting as the youngest. 😉 Unfortunately I am not exaggerating when I say 100% of our fights are because of the older girls. While my husband and I have both said how much we love each other and want our relationship to work and reaffirmed that we are committed to each other, there are many days when I wonder if it will work. Like Rebekah, I know without a doubt, that the Lord brought my husband and I together for a purpose. He is the one I am supposed to spend my life with. On the hard days I have to remind myself that the enemy is working overtime to tear us apart, because we are so strong together on those good days. We follow the Lord, the oldest girls follow the Lord, and the youngest has begun her journey as well. We are a mighty strong family when we work together and get along. It’s taken a while but I’ve had to realize that the only thing I can do is pray and focus on myself (growing in faith in the Lord, not a selfish focus). We have a long way to go to rebuild our strong foundation but I have faith that in time it will happen.

  17. I have been married for 12 years and always thought we’d always make it work. But the past year has been rough. I don’t like my husband and every thing he does irritates me. Sounds so petty, right? He is a good man who tries to be the best but I am unworthy of it. I don’t appreciate it or reciprocate it. I wonder every day how this marriage will last when I am so apathetic about it all. When the children are grown I don’t feel like we will have one thing in common. I don’t see how to make it work for the rest of our lives.

    1. I am sorry it’s been so hard this past year. It sounds to me like there are things you need to work out with yourself. Opposition can hit our marriages at anytime your experience seems to prove that. I hope things get better for you.

    2. @ Confused I have said exactly the same thing but from my own experiences you really have to turn to God in those times. Your husband wasn’t meant to be your happiness and fulfillment God is suppose to be that to you. You have to turn to God and seek him and his word. Draw closer to him, lean on trust in him. Pray for your husband and your marriage but primarily seek God as you do that he will reveal things to you, he will give you a better understanding of the situation and of you and your marriage. Marriage is messy but I am learning that it takes two to mess things up. Please know that you are worthy of love but you have to understand and accept God’s love to help you be loved and give love.
      Hang in there…If you can read Romans 5: 3-5 (It reminds me that sometimes we have to suffer to learn and grow and love more so that we don’t stay stagnant doing the same things and expecting different results.

      You are blessed and you are loved regardless of how you feel

  18. I can relate to “confused”. I was hurt emotionally by his coldness and distance, his inability to even care about my feelings, remember a birthday, think of someone other than himself for years. I would cry and do whatever it took to be noticed so that I felt loved. Well the last two years I’ve just become apathetic. I tell him what I think, whether it’s cold or not. I honestly don’t want to spend time with him. I just think without realizing it, I’ve grown a scab or scar over my feelings. I used to be so giving and would make his favorite meals, dress the way he wanted, not the wholesome way I wanted, etc. I would parent the two kids on my own, he would be down in his man cave watching tv. Now I just leave him down there and go out with the kids who are now tweens. I honestly don’t know what’s better. My marriage isn’t happy but I’m not on a roller coaster of emotions either. Now and then he’ll come up from his man cave for food (since I’m not waiting on him) and say “Oh, why didn’t you ask me to play Sorry with the kids too? or I would have gone with to…..” Without making a conscious effort to stop waiting on him or trying to please him, I just got fed up I guess. I’m not sure what the next step would be. He works hard for us and I only work part time out of the home. He points out what I have “let go” since working and yes, our house isn’t as neat. I thought he wanted me to contribute $$ since he complained about having to go out and work so hard for us. He won’t go to counseling…. I understand “confused” and feel the same way. Nothing in common, irritates me with everything. Then I feel guilty… It’s a cycle.

  19. Courtney,
    May God continue to bless you, your family and your ministry. I stumbled upon this article by the grace of God. I started my day feeling very bewildered as if there was little hope left in my marriage. I truly believed that I had married the wrong man. I prayed on it and my day and outlook began to change. But it wasn’t until I read this article that I felt renewed. The way you explained these scriptures has truly given me a new sense of purpose, thank you. Last year was my 33rd and my fiance at the time asked me what I wanted for my birthday. All I wanted for my birthday was your book, so we pre-ordered it and it arrived shortly after its release. Unfortunately, I never finished reading your book. I can honestly say that this weekend I am going to hunker down and get back into it. I am a subscriber of your site and have shared your wisdom with many friends and family. I can not tell you how much you and this site have impacted my life and as a result my family, for the better of course. Thank you does not seem hardly enough, but thank you anyhow and God bless you.

  20. Saw this heading on Facebook several days ago, didn’t have time read …busy life. But want you to know that it made me remember simply that the devil ius ALWAYS working against me doing good. So when I’m tired, it is easier to get swayed into bad thought/ feelings. What I have learned over 20+ yes of marriage is that marriage is not 50-50 but rather giving of your self 100%. Also that love is not a feeling but rather a decision you make. I have had many ups and downs throughout the years, enough to write a novel. But what I have learned is simply relying on God and trying to be the best version of me will hopefully reflect upon others including my husband. Blessings to all trying

  21. Good article, Courtney. What do you do when your husband makes everyone besides his wife a priority, i.e. coworkers, his mother, his family’s opinions? I feel so miserable when this happens. I always feel like I’m the lowest on his list of priorities.

  22. But what if the man I married is constantly lying to me and everyone else?My husband is a habitual liar and I can’t tell you how much it has torn me up. I’ve made peace with his other flaws and pointed out my own to give me some perspective. But we’ve almost been married for two years and his constant lying and deception is stomping out my motivation to work this out. It’s even gone as far as lying about not being involved with a girl on Facebook after we had gotten married. How do I trust that my marriage to him was the right choice? These aren’t just little quirks we can work through. This would have been a deal breaker for me when we were dating if I had known.

    1. Steph, I can relate. I have been with my husband 6 years, 5 yrs married. A year and a half into our marriage I found out he’d been having an online romance with a woman he went to high school with, for over a year starting before we actually married. We stayed together, for I love him very much. Even after I found he’d started looking again, online, this past summer,I stuck it out. Now, I’ll tell you honestly, I’m a very difficult person with many many faults, being with me is NOT easy. But I continue to question if we are to remain married, or acknowledge that even though we love each other, it’s just time to let go. Idk, I’m a little lost right now.

  23. I loved your article and occasionally throughout 32 years of marriage and four children, that question has crossed my mind.
    I did have a reaction to your comments in the “Chime in” questions. You asked, “Rebekah was beautiful but she allowed her inner beauty to fade. How are you working on your inner beauty for your husband?”
    I believe we are sending the wrong message to give the expectation of “working on ourselves” for our husbands. I have worked with the youth for many years now and this kind of message has been harmful. Inner beauty is a quality someone else may never notice or appreciate. It is something we do to love ourselves and become more Christlike. It should make our countenance more beautiful but the idea we do it for the benefit of others over ourselves is false. I have been in many discussions with youth who have been taught to do good things to please others, unfortunately, if they do not do them to please themselves first and learn why they want to do it for themselves, they instead become resentful, rebellious and feel unloved or unaccepted if they fall short of the high expectations put upon them to live in a way that will please the others around them. Living through a generation of “do it because I said so and I am the adult, (leader, parent) and I know better” was devastating when those people giving that advice faltered in living the gospel or didn’t live their own advice. Many people have considered that generation and those with that mentality hypocrites because they teach an expectation of perfection that is near impossible for anyone to live consistently and left the church because their own testimony was rooted in the people instead of the principles.
    As women, we are programmed to live for others, put others needs above our own. It is a God-given assignment we are more than capable of. The danger is losing who we are in the service of others. As we develop our inner beauty because we love ourselves, that beauty creates a better world for all those around us, but it strengthens us first.
    My role as wife and mother is the greatest calling I will have on earth, but I believe my inner beauty and eternal salvation is my ultimate goal and will be my greatest accomplishment despite the choices of others around me. Even though things are going well now, I have no control over choices my husband and children will make in their lives. If I end up having no one else in my life that can appreciate or see my inner beauty, I know my Heavenly Father will and I will love who I am because of the effort I made to develop it.

    1. I love this response. I’m in a place where I feel like my marriage is so stagnant. We just went on a fabulous vacation together and we had a good time together. But as soon as we came home, it’s life as usual. We are pretty much just friends living together. But we don’t really do anything together or spend any time together. It’s depressing. I don’t know what to do to make it better.

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