When Your Husband is Not the Proverbs 31 Husband

We hear a lot about a Proverbs 31 wife, but here are the steps wife should take when her husband isn't the Proverbs 31 husband. #Biblestudy #proverbs #WomensBibleStudy #GoodMorningGirls

Welcome back to Day 4 of our in-depth study of the Proverbs 31 woman!  I can’t believe it’s almost over – I don’t want it to end!

If you are looking for the GMG resources and Bible Reading Plan for the week -> click here.  If you are looking for Day 1 of this series -> click here, Day 2 -> click here, Day 3 – > click here.

Today, we finally meet this blessed husband who has landed a wife that most men could only dream of landing!

Let’s look at today’s reading in Proverbs 31:23-26 and pray and ask the Lord to mold us into the woman He wants us to be:

23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

So far we have seen that the Proverbs 31 woman rises early, works eagerly, shops wisely, is extremely productive and even business savvy, extends her hands to the poor,  is prepared for every season and her clothing is a reflection of her character: classy.

Next we see that her husband is respected at the city gate (v23).

Behind every great man is a great woman and the support of the Proverbs 31 wife has helped to elevate her husband.

The Proverbs 31 woman is strong, confident, capable, and intelligent yet she does not overshadow her husband.  She allows him to take the lead and she makes him shine!

But, the Proverbs 31 husband must be hard working and wise as well or he would not be able to  achieve his leadership in the city.  He cares about civic affairs in the land and is a bit of a mover and a shaker.  This husband and wife are an amazing team.

This is the part where women with husband’s who are failing to meet their expectations groan.  You may sigh and wonder – if only you had a husband like this, then you could become the Proverbs 31 wife!

I know of women who are living like the Proverbs 31 woman and their husband has walked out on them.

Oh friends, we can only change one person in this world and that’s ourselves. If your husband is not being the Proverbs 31 husband – we cannot change him.  We have to leave that in God’s hands.

1 Peter 3:1,2 says:

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

Wives, win them without words.  This is God’s way.  Pray for your husband and guard your behavior.  Live with purity and allow God to work in the heart of your husband in His timing.

I know it’s hard and it hurts but it will hurt you more to focus on his shortcomings and failures than to focus on living a God honoring life yourself.

Are you and your husband going two separate directions in life – each striving after your own pursuits?

If your husband cannot lead at home, how can he lead in the community?

The word submission is made up of two parts:

Sub (it’s a prefix) means below or under. Sub means under like in the words submarine, submerge, or subtract.

Mission means an important goal or purpose.

When a woman allows her husband to lead – it means she puts his missions – his goals – his life purposes above hers.

This does not mean she does not have her own goals. We are about to look at the Proverbs 31 woman’s next business adventure in a moment.  It DOES mean that the goals her husband has, she embraces as her own and together she helps him achieve them.

Please know that as I type this series – I type it as one on this same journey with you.  My heart longs to be the Proverbs 31 Woman but I recognize that real life comes with real hurdles and we each have different ones.

We all have common struggles with husbands, children, our work and stress load and just living life on planet earth.


Our puzzles are all different.

Apply the Proverbs 31 principles to your puzzle and then pray and leave the outcome to the Lord.

Next, we see the Proverbs 31 woman making garments and sashes and selling them(v 24).  Again, we see her entrepreneur spirit.  The Proverbs 31 woman applies excellence and quality to her work. As a result – her product was in demand by the merchants.

Then, we see she is clothed with strength and dignity (v 25).  Oh friends, I work hard to be this type of woman.  I am may appear clothed with strength and dignity on my blog here at Women Living Well but in real life – I become exposed.

I’m really not a very dignified person. I pretty much am an open book and I lay it all out there. I think this is a strength for what I do in blogland BUT if I’m not careful…I’m a “blabber mouth”.

A dignified woman chooses to be dignified just as she chooses her clothing for the day. She cultivates honor and respect by the way she speaks.

And finally, she speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction(v 26)…remember how I mentioned my blabber mouth issues?  The struggle is real friends.  Listen to the video below to hear about my struggles and the importance of a filter.

Putting order on our tongues can be an uphill battle.  James 3:2 says, there is no one who speaks without fault – none of us are perfect.  I can memorize verses and know what I SHOULD  and should NOT say – but unless I THINK before I speak – I am going to falter with my words and hurt others.

As women striving to be like the Proverbs 31 woman – we need to:

1. Practice self-control with our emotions.  When we speak rapidly – for example when we are lecturing our kids – usually we become unkind.

2. Watch sarcasm – it usually reveals a bitter heart.

3. Watch critical remarks – they are red flags revealing a proud, envious, selfish or angry heart.

Here’s Today’s Proverbs 31 Challenge:

  • Is there a mission or goal your husband has that you have not adopted as your own?  Decide in your heart to support him and then let him know that you do support him!
  • Be quick to notice others’ strengths and slow to point out others’ flaws.
  • Work on filtering your words.
  • Strive to be gentle and gracious toward your husband, and children FIRST (who you are at home is who you really are!) and then to others outside the home.
  • Purify your heart through the reading of God’s word and put aside all anger, bitterness, malice, slander, envy and self-pity.

Walk with the King,

**Chime In**

Do you have a Proverbs 31 Husband?  

Do you struggle to support your husband’s goals?  

Are you dignified in your speech?  

How can you work toward being more like the Proverbs 31 woman in these areas?

Proverbs 31 (23-26)a

**For a more in-depth look at today’s passage I encourage you to read pages 27-33 in my {free} Proverbs 31 eBook. 

Tomorrow I’ll be back here on the blog and we will be looking at verses 27-31 in Proverbs 31 together.  I hope you will come back and join us for the final post in this series and see what’s ahead on Women Living Well in the next few months that may encourage you in these areas as well.


  1. This has nothing to do with your post but I just want to share that last night I gave my heart to Lord. Praise God!!!!

    1. Oh Coni – this makes me throw virtual confetti and do virtual cartwheels (because real confetti is way too messy and if I did a cartwheel I might hurt myself!) !!!!

      Praise the Lord and welcome to the family of God. I am so glad you have placed your faith in Jesus – He loves you so!!

      I wish I could see you in real life and hug you! But this ((hug)) will have to do for now until we see each other face to face in heaven!

      I encourage you to find a church to attend locally if you don’t already have one.

      Keep walking with the King,

      1. I want to say welcome to the family of God too Coni! Praising God and will keep you in my prayers. 🙂

        And Courtney, I have really enjoyed reading your posts about the Proverbs 31 woman. This is my 2nd time doing this study and I’m still learning new things! I love that about God’s Word! 🙂

        Walking in His Grace,

    2. Welcome to the family!!!
      I’m so glad to hear that you’ve asked Jesus into your heart!
      read your bible a little bit every day. When I first started reading I had to use (on my phone) the ERV – Easy to Read Version! lol Before that, I had no idea what all that bible lingo was. Don’t let all the ‘thou’ and ‘thine’ and ‘thee’ stuff fool you. There are easier versions to understand 🙂
      There are so many resources that will explain some of these complicated bible stories.

      I hope you find a church that you love in your area.
      I’ve only known the lord for the last two years and I will tell you that I grew the most in my walk with Jesus in a small group.
      A small group is like a bible study or prayer group. If you have a church you like, or once you get comfortable at a church they can set you up in a small group.

      I’m so happy that you’ve accepted Christ! There’s a party at my mansion when we all get to heaven so we can meet up there! lol
      Yours in Christ

    3. Praise God!!!!! I SERIOUSLY have tears of joy 🙂 Oh the rejoicing in Heaven because of your decision to follow Jesus! This Christian walk certainly is not easy, but He is worth it. You’ve made the most important decision of your life!

    4. Praise God Coni! Your post was the first I saw today. I am still crying with joy for you. Welcome Sister in Christ. God will never fail you.
      So glad I discovered this website. Love the bible study. It makes me feel like I’m in a room with ladies studying God’s word, instead of on my own.

    5. This is a quote that has helped me respect my husband when I have seen his every flaw and shortcoming and I feel he’s let me down as a leader or a husband.

      “If you want a truly fine husband, respect him at the level at which you want him to reach. A man will usually not rise above the level at which his wife respects him.”

      Can we say.. Ouch! and God please forgive me?
      I am challenged by this, if I am to truly become a Proverbs 31 Woman, I need to do what God has called me to do regardless of my husbands or my family’s shortcomings. I am responsible to God for my words and my actions! I want them to be words that are full of lovingkindness and wisdom and I want my hands to reflect what I preach!

      1. Thank you for sharing that quote Sharalee! It really spoke to me tonight and I will try to remember it on a daily basis.

      2. Wonderful quote! I try to remind myself that my husband is not perfect, just as I am not perfect. I try to put him in a perfect little box, and that is was too much pressure for both of us.

      3. What a powerful quote! I have to remind myself often that just as I am not perfect, neither is my husband. I often try to fit him in this tiny box that is unattainable. What a ton of pressure to put on him and myself!

        I find myself not being supportive and criticizing how he responds to me often. In younger days, we were both very sarcastic (in a joking kind of way), and it worked for us. My heart has changed alot over time and maturity levels are a little lopsided now. I tend to get hurt feelings and focus on negative thoughts about him. This leads to a destructive day in the relationship area. Going to focus on being supportive of him and being gentle and gracious at Home First.

      4. Ouch, that one hurts! My husband is an intelligent well educated man who has been unemployed for 3 1/2 years. The finances for our family of 5 (3 kids ages 17,14,9) lie on me. This is INCREDIBLY stressful for me. I am angry and resentful. I have never had the opportunity to be home full time with our children. I have a hard time respecting him when he chooses not to get a job (even part time) . He knows this causes me great anxiety yet chooses to do nothing. Anytime I take time off to be with my kids I feel stressed about the finances. Fortunately I am blessed with a good job where I do make enough to provide a very simple life for our family. I dont know how to move forward. I can be ‘OK’ with this situation for awhile then a large bill will need to be paid and the fear comes back then the resentment. I know I should respect him but I don’t know how to do that when I feel I have taken on the road of “leader” for our family.

    6. Coni–

      In the end, what has happened to you is what this is all about.

      WOOT WOOT!!! 🙂

      Carissa in eastern Iowa

  2. I Love Your Posts. I Love Your Site. I Love Your Videos. I Love Your Videos Most of All.
    I Learn So Much From You! Thank You!

  3. I am unequally yoked and while not an excuse, it can make things more challenging. I will not give up or give in but will continue to pray daily for the guidance and direction of how to best lead by example and love rather than words.

    1. Judy,
      I’m also unequally yolked.
      Just know that you are not alone! It can certainly make things challenging, but the guys we married were good when we married them so we just have to keep on loving them as Christ loves us!

      1. Judy and Chantelle and Courtney – I too am unequally yoked. My husband is a good man, save he has been turned from Christ by crafty and wily influences of and from this world. As I struggle to keep from being the seed scattered on the ground of poor soil and being lukewarm, it is hard to see that he could be so much more if he only would cling to God as he does many other things. My witness has not been the best – especially so for many years (we’ve been married 35 years, together for 45), but I move on in the mercy and grace Christ has given me and pray that someday he will return to the Lord. Just keep loving them every day, as Christ loves us – every day, every hour, every minute. Praise the Lord we are able to do so in His strength!! Keep focused on Jesus – and all will word for our good and His glory!! Thank you Courtney for all you do being such great hands and feet to our King – you have a HUGE impact in His Kingdom here and in expanding it!!!!

        1. We are also unequally yoked. I’m in a huge battle with God right now and am having trouble seeking Him through this storm. I feel betrayed and unloved my my husband and I don’t understand why it keeps happening. He has an addiction and puts myself and the kids last If anyone has advice to share I’d greatly appreciate it. My email is mrsbrandao6@yahoo.com

          1. Megan, my husband is a recovering alcoholic and we have been married 18 years. God has done miracles in my husband and our marriage but i forst had to be strong enough to set some healthy boundaries and consequences, which he is grateful for today. Prayers for you and your marriage. Feel free to email me if you want to talk more about this.

  4. Courtney I love your blog. You inspire me to keep on. I am doing your study with my some ladies from my church and it has been a blessing. Thank you soo much.

  5. Thank you!!!
    I enjoy these loving reminders that God sends me during a FB scroll.
    I have some questions:
    What if your husband’s goals are completely opposite of yours? What if they don’t glorify God? What if he is so in love with the world and all things impure? What if his goal is to play rock and roll music and you don’t want to watch/listen to that music anymore?
    What if the moves he wants to make could teach your children to love the world more than God?
    What then?
    How do I support these goals? I still love him unconditionally, but I always feel like I have to choose between Jesus and my husband.
    Thank you for any help you can offer.

    1. I can so relate. I have been married twenty years, and a believer for a year and a half. My husband still drinks and makes bad choices. All I can do is teach my children the right ways. We’ve been attending church weekly and they love it. I can sense the sarcasm and irritation on church days with my man. Like there is a bit of him sensing that I believe I’m better than him now, which is not the case. I will continue to put my best into this home each day and trust God that he is faithful and working actively in our lives. I fight anxiety and fear in this area daily. Some days Satan hits me time and time again trying to make me believe it’s useless. But I refuse to succumb to the lies. God only wants what is good and pure for us. It is his will that my husband can open his eyes and heart to the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross for him. I will not give up hope. My husband is very scientific minded and wants proof of everything…. Solid proof. But… He believes some far fetched ideas as well concerning the beginnings of earth and humanity… Reading literature that I don’t even want in our home. He also dreams of playing rock and roll in drunken biker bars. But… I know God’s dream is bigger. I often think of my husband’s personality and how much work he will do for the king one day. He could reach so many that seem unattainable. It would be amazing. It will be amazing. I agree with you in prayer that Jesus will open our husbands eyes and hearts at just the right moment, preparing them for his message. One other thing… Have you checked out “I am second”. There are a couple testimonies my husband did enjoy and I know left a mark with him, even if it’s subconscious. Ryan Ries, and Brian Welch. Also, on Ryan Ries website, he does a weekly live radio show you can listen to. There are archived episodes, and they are so inspiring to me to listen to…. Many lives being transformed. There is a group of hard core men, including the ones I mentioned from I am Second, called the Whosoevers. It proves that your man can still be a rock and roll wild cat, but do it for the Lord instead of the world. Praying for you sister.

    2. I hesitate to respond because I don’t necessarily feel like I have answers for you. But I will say as a principle you should not participate in things that are not right in God’s eyes and if attending a rock concert is placing you in the wrong environment, I would not attend.

      However, I would NOT lecture, give off negative vibes, be critical or in any way make my husband feel like I am superior to him because I don’t go. I would make this just about me, I am not really comfortable, but I hope your concert goes well. And be willing to listen to him talk about how it went and encourage the part you can, how well he played or worked on a new song, or just I glad it went well, I’m glad you had a good time.

      But here is the thing, it HAS to come from your heart sincerely because you really are not judging him – worry about your own stuff, don’t try to be the Holy Spirit in his life – work out your own issues and growth with God and leave him to God, not you.

      Try to actually like him like you would a friend. If you had a friend into this you would not have a negative distant attitude. I had a friend who moved in with a guy. Since I care about her I shared my concerns and why I thought that was not a good idea, and I in the past had already shared Christ with her. After that, let it go. It is her life, not mine, she is an adult and has to make her own decisions about serving God.

      I realize you have kids in this picture, and here I will really say, I am not sure how to respond to such a challenging situation. But, pray on it and here are my thoughts for what they are worth. You just teach them what you think without criticizing your husband. Just teach God’s principles and God’s word. And make sure you at least are living consistent with it so they won’t see you as a hypocrite. It may confuse them to see Dad doing something different, but at least you can make sure they know the truth.

      I am sorry you are dealing with this, and honestly, as complicated as these things are I don’t know if any of this can be helpful, but I just wanted to at least try to give some support.

  6. It’s been a while since I have gotten to read your blog. I so needed this today. I have been studying Proverbs 31 recently again. Thanks.

  7. Morning all! I haven’t posted on here before, but after reading Coni’s post i HAD to. Coni – i am so excited for you & so thankful that you have given your heart to the Lord!!! I’m sure that i’m not the only one who will be praying for you as you begin this new life.

    I also wanted to add….
    This year has been a very challenging year, emotionally for my husband & i. We have been met head on with evilness. Thankfully, i can say that God’s wisdom has prevailed in how we reacted to everything. And i know it may sound corny to some, but there have been MANY times this year, that i have prayed for God’s arm around my shoulders & His hand across my mouth. And He has kept those filters in place & has not allowed me to say something that i might regret.

    1. Thank you Karalee for your comment about asking God’s arm around your shoulder and His hand over your mouth. I love that visual picture, I trust it will help me with my constant struggling of being wise with my words. Thanks for sharing!! God’s blessings on your life this day!!

  8. I do have a Proverbs 31 husband. He wasn’t always that way, but I wasn’t always striving to be a Proverbs 31 wife so we both receive grace in that.
    As for his goals: My husband had decided it was time to go back to school after many years in his last profession. His body simply could not take the beating up it was getting from his last job. The Lord led him and I submitted to him. It was not easy! We had to move from our home of 15 years to a whole new city away from our friends, family and church… oh how my heart ached to be home where we were loved and celebrated. Two years have passed since we moved here and now this new city has turned into our home and we will not be returning to our town. A little bittersweet as we all still do miss our friends and the church we were all saved in, but we know that right now this is where the Lord wants us to be.
    My speech is a huge struggle for me and you’re right Courtney, the struggle is real! The Lord has had to work hard in me to teach me that what I am thinking does not actually have to come out of my mouth. It’s still at times difficult, but I am making progress. It’s a day by day, in training kind of thing.
    Grace and Peace,

  9. I’m so thankful for this study… it has come at just the right time. Being married isn’t always easy but sometimes it is hard for no reason at all… and we have been in one of those seasons. The part about being a blabber mouth describes me, too. I talk so easily and share so easily and I struggle with stopping when I should. I appreciate the tips because when I ramble with my kids, I do become unkind sometimes, same with my hubby. Thank you again and I look forward to finishing this week out!

  10. Of all the studies I’ve done with GMG so far, this one has touched my heart the most. I’ve always been my own worst enemy because I lack a mouth filter. If only I hadn’t said (fill in the blank) replays on a continual loop in my thoughts. My heart’s prayer this morning is that God will mold me into a Proverbs 31 wife so that I can bring honor to my husband and glory to my Lord. Thank you for sharing your life with us, Courtney! It helps seeing a real live woman who struggles with the same things and is not afraid to share.

  11. I really, really needed to read this this morning. I look forward to this study every day but I was dreading this one when I saw it posted last night because I knew it would ring true… and that it would convict me in a painful (though loving) way.
    My marriage is hanging on by a thread and it’s easy to blame it all on my husband but the truth is I’ve contributed plenty to our issues. The verse about winning him with my actions instead of my words is the one that smacks me right between the eyes. I think of it often, but it’s so easy to justify my own sinful behavior (nagging, criticism, even gossip about him to my mom or friend) and then expect him to fulfill a role that only Jesus can.
    Every morning, because of these studies, I’ve been waking up and choosing forgiveness over bitterness, regarding the previous day’s pain. Every day the attacks keep coming, of course, but praise Jesus; my heart is changing. Slowly but surely.
    Thank you, Courtney, for encouraging us to grow in Biblical femininity, and to “keep walking with the King.” <3

  12. When a woman allows her husband to lead – it means she puts his missions – his goals – his life purposes above hers. Wonderful, I love this as a reminder ,to keep me being me, but changing always at the same time.
    Romans 15:5-7
    English Standard Version (ESV)
    5 May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, 6 that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. 7 Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God. t.

  13. That last line hit home for me. HARD. Like a ton of bricks on my heart.

    My youngest Manling is a strong-willed child, and we frequently have days when two blockheads butt heads worst than a pair of mountain goats. (That’s me and my child, in case you were wondering.) Yesterday was one of those. We’ve hit the ground running all week, and half the time we’ve pushed Bible study off just because we were “too busy”. We were tired, frustrated, and just not in a good space. (And my poor, tired Hubs was in the middle of it…he got the worst of it, I think, from both of us.) It ended in a yelling match, and I sent him to his room before my temper got really out of control.

    I sat down at the table, trying to figure out where it all went wrong, and I had the most insistent little voice in the back of my head telling me to get the Bible study stuff out and DO IT. With the Munchkin. So I called him down (and yes there was ‘sulking’ in my voice), and we sat down at the table to read. It was amazing, the change that came over both of us. By the time we finished up half an hour later, we were both in a much better space and much more relaxed and peaceful.

    Consistency is a problem for me. It’s probably my biggest issue. I don’t know why I expect my children to be constant when I don’t model it well for them. But I’m getting a first hand, in-depth lesson about why consistent Bible study is essential for me, my son, and everyone. We can’t make it through without having the Lord foremost in our lives, and anytime I forget that lately, I get a good reminder of why I’m wrong.

  14. I have recently started following your blog. I attend a Spanish speaking church and the women’s group leader asked if we would be interested in following your blog. I am thrilled we agreed. We have been translating the message in Spanish. And, wow, what a blessing it has been personally. I am learning and striving to be that Proverbs 31 woman, in all aspects. I read and teach my children the morals that God has put out for us to follow. It’s been a blessing. I haven’t had time to watch any television since I started with your blog, and I don’t miss it one bit. I’m too busy trying to care for my family and household. Thanks a bunch for starting this blog. God bless you!

  15. Let’s try this post again….So happy for you Coni! I’m so glad you have accepted Jesus as your personal savior.
    Thank you for the videos and challenges this week Courtney. I don’t know how I came across your site but am very happy I did. I typed out my comment and then went to post and it said “page not available”.
    I get discouraged so often. My husband is a great husband/father however, lately it seems like his attitude is getting shorter and shorter. I feel like with all I do around the house nothing is ever good enough. We can go to church and that afternoon call me foul names. He was one of the most Godly people I knew but that has changed too. He is not selfish with money as he fully supports our home and our one childs home. I think our child should be working and supporting himself at 27 years old but that’s just me. I get extremely tired and have health issues that limit how much I can do all the time. Somedays I get very discouraged. I don’t want tomorrow to be the last video. Again, thank you I have enjoyed them so much.

  16. Aaaaaaaahhhh!!! Sorry to be writing again so soon, but this study is bringing up some things I’ve had to deal with for 29 yrs. of marriage.
    The part above that mentions “When a woman allows her husband to lead – it means she puts his missions – his goals – his life purposes above hers.”
    I married a man who doesn’t do anything other than what he has to, i.e. go to work, mow the lawn…and that’s about it…seriously, I’m not exaggerating. Before computers became popualr, he watched tv the rest of the time, now he is on the computer mostly when he’s not at work or doing the lawn. Sad to say he is apathetic and lazy. His job is not one that is overly stressful. He mows the front yard to appease the HOA rules. The back yard looks bad. He never wants to do anything. He doesn’t talk much. Come to find out after we married, he was like this in his single growing up years. I used to think he might be depressed, but given the similar personalities I have come to know in his family, it is just how his personality is. During our dating time though, he put his best foot forward and made an effort in wooing me.
    After several years of being married and seeing this pattern, I did ask him why he got married in the first place. I am a very sad wife when it comes to the husband issue. I beat myself up and wonder why I have been subjected to this much heartbreak. As the years have gone on, I have tried here and there to get through to him, but nothing changes.
    We both became Christians in our first few years of marriage. If it wasn’t for the Bible saying that a Christian should not divorce, I would have done it long ago. But here I am, in this lonely marriage of 29 yrs.
    I sometimes wonder why God allowed me to be in a situation like this. I still don’t know.

    1. Becky,
      I read all the negative things you wrote, but surly your husband has good qualities. Does he drink? Does he beat you? Does he cheat on you? Does he put you down? Does he not love you? I don’t know your situation but try to focus on the positives, try to do some of the things he likes, if he likes TV maybe you can go to the movies together more? If he doesn’t like yard work maybe hire someone to help. Try to remember the situation could always be worse. Prayers from Texas.

      1. I was simply getting to the point in my comment. Of course things could be worse, but that doens’t lessen the pain of what I am experiencing. Your pollyanna attitude is fine in general, but doens’t show any empathy. Not sure why you replied.

        1. Becky,
          Not sure if your really looking for any advise or just want to vent but here is mine take it or leave it.
          Stop trying “to get though to him” Go and live life. Do what needs to be done and plan fun things to do and go do them.. Invite him to join you then go without him if he wants to stay home. He may change his mind after seeing you have fun. He may not. The choice to be happy and love is everyone’s individual choice. While marriage may be a sad part of your life it doesn’t have to mean you are sad.
          I say this with the most love I can. Pray and have hope God has a plan for you. Seek that. And watch amazing things happen in the most unexpected times! Will pray for you both.

        2. I understand this because I live it. It does sound like depression, it comes in different forms and waves.y husband suffers from ptsd and we go through long periods of quiet shut downs and I am very lonely. I’ve seeked counseling through church and have been told I need to just walk with my husband through life and find happiness through Christ. He is the way the truth and the life, even if that means being hurt by our husbands distance God has a plan. It hurts very much to be left guessing so much. What we perceive as love isn’t always the only form of love. Maybe our husbands simply being Witt us is the best love they can give. I understand your loneliness though. It is very hard.

  17. Courtney, how would you address a wife of an addict? I strive to be a Proverbs 31 wife and have offered countless opportunities for my husband to be the leader of our home. I long for a Proverbs 31 husband. I long to be submissive and always hold up my end of the marriage, only to have it go unnoticed. I know that God knows my heart and sees the work I do. But how do I handle this? I feel so abandon by his selfishness and can’t understand how his family can be last on his priorities. He’s a great father and treats me well, except when it comes to his gambling addiction. Please pray for us.

    1. Prayers go out to you, and your husband. God is Good, I pray your husband turns to God and overcomes his struggles.

  18. Megan my prayers go out to you I understand what you are going through I have been going through to his for the past 25 years out of my 39 years of marriage. The first time I swore I would not be put through this again. My husband is a professional person and the first time it was on the front page of the newspaper and on the radio and television. He has also been diagnosed with Clinical Depression. So…. here I am dealing with this for a third time, I cannot change my Husband I can only be here for him and to support him and let him know I love him. I thought I could change his behavior but I realize now only God can do this so I pray for God to help us through this and pray that he will realize that he needs to return to God. Know that I am praying for you and your husband too.

  19. I used to follow your blog daily, Courtney. Until I read all of your thoughts on the Proverbs 31 woman. I became discouraged and resentful thinking that you only ministered to the perfect stay-at-home wife and/or mom. So I took a break from following your blogs and posts on Pinterest, thinking there was no way possible for me to be like this Proverbs 31 woman while working full time outside of the home. But curiosity got the best of me when you announced your in-depth study of this chapter of Proverbs. So I began reading your posts again, and this got me thinking that I really am more like the Proverbs 31 woman than I thought, even though I do work outside of the home. No, I don’t wake up at 2am to cook my husband breakfast before he leaves for work at 4:30am, but I do make sure that his cereal is ready for him, there is bread for his toast, that he has plenty of jelly for his toast, and that his K cup and creamer are right next to the Keurig for him in the morning. I have been putting off getting my hair cut for almost the past year to make sure my husband can get his hair cut since long hair on me is acceptable but unacceptable for a man. Yes, I am too tired some days to deep clean the house, but my husband and I work together to clean and do laundry and cook dinners. I do my best to come up with healthy recipes for dinners (they are the only meals we prepare and eat together during the week) and try to keep the house stocked with all of our essentials. I make sure my husband has clean clothes for work. I pay all our bills on time, every single month, never once have I forgotten to pay something or have been late. Lately, this has been overwhelming for me since we moved to a house from an apartment. We now have more bills to keep up with, and I was forgetting when I was paying these bills. So I went to the store and bought a daily planner to keep me organized. Realizing that I am like this Proverbs 31 woman has been an encouragement to me, and I feel like my faith has been renewed. I was bitter about the things that the Bible says woman should do or not do. But I have realized that I actually like letting my husband spend the evening relaxing while l cook dinner, even after working an eight hour day and working out after work. He does the same for me when I am not feeling well or am just too tired to do anything (I suffer from severe nightmares so it’s very difficult for me to get a good night’s sleep). Thank you for all of your hard work on your blogs. It has really softened my heart to the Lord and serving my family, even thought it is just my husband and me. I really hope I can set aside more time to join you in more Bible studies. Thanks again for everything you have done for me.

    1. Trying this again. I suffered from sever night-teras out of the blue for several years. I would see shadows in corners and dark figures over me when I opened my eyes. I would scream, scaring myself and husband. I would then have trouble going back to sleep. I prayed, but it didn’t seem to help. I decided to memorize scriptures on fear. I would say them before going to sleep, while trying to fall asleep, and after waking from an episode. I haven’t had one any over 5 years. Here’s a verse to start with:
      2 Timothy. 1:7
      For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind.
      God bless, will keep you in prayer.

      1. Wow, Diedre. I am suffering from the exact same thing as you did. Every night, I wake my husband and myself up due to imaginary people in my room, standing over me, reaching toward me. It is very scary. I have been praying and practically begging God to let me sleep through one night so I can make it through work the next day. I will memorize this verse and think of it when I have nightmares. Thank you so much for your prayers!

    2. Sheri–

      I, too have been able to find kernels of encouragement in this study. I work full time and we have a six-year-old boy. I often feel like I am the only one who reads this who isn’t a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom. My house is FAR from tidy. I am NOT working out regularly.

      But, I am doing some things well, and I can make small improvements with the rest–we have our whole lifetime to achieve these things!! 🙂

      I am going to go home after work today and get caught up on some dishes and laundry–praise God that we have things that need washing! I am making an effort to improve.

      Carissa in eastern Iowa

      1. Thanks, Carissa! I am glad we are finding this study encouraging. I decided I had enough of being resentful and bitter about not being a stay-at-home wife or having a perfect house. But I’m glad I have been blessed with a home at all and realized I have been looking at these things the wrong way.

  20. Courtney, I just wanted to share a praise to God for the fact that one of the speaking engagements you said yes to was the Hearts at Home conference in Bloomington, IL this past March. I attended your workshop and was greatly encouraged, only to find more encouragement through your website and book. I thank you (AND your family) for your commitment to women’s ministry 🙂

  21. This really struck a chord with me this morning! I too tend to stick my foot in my mouth. I often leave a group or conversation thinking, “Ooh that didn’t come across the way I meant it. How can I fix this?” I’m glad to know that a woman that I admire that seemingly has it all together shares a fault with me. 🙂 I have worked and will continue to work on filling my mind with wisdom and being slow to speak. (well let’s just be honest. SlowER to speak. I’m not sure if I’ll ever make it to slow. 🙂 Thank you again for a wonderful post!

  22. My GREAT husband is not a spotlight kind of guy. He is quiet, dignified, works behind the scenes to accomplish MUCH. He’s the guy who will clear snow off the back steps of the church building because those officially on the grounds crew couldn’t keep up. He will go to an older member’s house to fix their computer so they can communicate with others.

    He is the voice of reason when there are family conflicts. He is a true peacemaker. He is not quick to speak, so when he does, people listen.

    I have the more visible talents. I am a sign language interpreter. I sing pretty well, so I sing on the worship team. I am the lead teacher in Sunday School (he takes care of my technology, helps the kids with their crafts and the kids love him).

    He decides our financial options. I discuss what kinds of activities we can send our son to do. We discussed and prayed over sending our son to Christian school. I earn more money at my job, and can more easily get extra work when we need some extra money in the budget for things like holidays. My benefits are better. It is purely a function of the field of work I am in.

    I feel like he is EXTREMELY important, and I do leave the important decisions to him (some months that means which bills will be paid in full, and which we will have to make an arrangement with).

    Am I doing this the right way? It is what works in this season of life. We would be homeless if I quit my job and we tried to survive on his income. I don’t see his gifts as less critical just because no one sees them.

    Thanks for this study! It really is speaking to me!

    Carissa in eastern Iowa

  23. I’m glad I was able to follow this study,
    Yes I do struggle with my husband’s goals-one in particular….
    We started a home church Feb 2014-his idea. I don’t like it one bit! I miss fellowship with others in a local church setting, to me it seems like I’ve been done a great injustice…but this is what he wants.
    So even though outwardly, I sit in the family room for the fellowships on Sun & Friday’s, I know I long for something much more, it breaks my heart every time I think about it…I’ve sort of resigned to this mission or goal of my hubby
    I wonder what could make me happy in this area in the near future

    Welcome to the family Coni….I always say to myself that a personal relationship with Christ/God makes life worth living! welcome!!!

  24. Courtney, like you I struggle with constantly putting my foot in my mouth because I have too much to say. I am blessed to say that my husband is very wise in this area! He seems to always say the right thing.

    My struggle today is that my husbands goal is to become a police officer. I want to support him but my fears for his safety seem to win out in this battle.

  25. I can so relate to not having a filter and using sarcasm. The no filter is the worst part. I have been working on that but some habits are just so hard to break!

    1. I have. I really enjoyed it until she made her conclusions about Philippians 2:6 at the very end. O.o

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