The Women Living Well Book Club – Chapter 7 {Effects of Technology on Marriage}

chapter 7 marriage in the age of media

Let’s Discuss Chapter 7

In chapter 6, we turned our eyes towards God’s word to see who he created us to be.  In chapter 7, let’s consider how turning our eyes towards media is affecting our marriages.

I believe that movies, reality television, and all the many facets of social media, that speak into our lives, are causing many wives to be discontent in their marriages.  After all, none of these truly represent REAL life.  Movies are fiction, a lot of reality television is not reality and most of us put our best foot forward on social media and the nitty gritty reality, is kept behind closed doors.

The more we feed on media and the less we feed on God’s word –the greater our dissatisfaction with our husband will grow.

We need to flip this on it’s head.  We need more time in God’s word and less time on technology.  We need more time building our own marriage and less time looking at everyone else’s!

Gary Chapman marriage quote

So how do we do this?  Rather than saying the grass is greener elsewhere, water and fertilize your own marriage!

“The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” Proverbs 14:1

Valentines Day is RIGHT around the corner. This is a fun time to plan something special for your man.  Next week we’ll talk about the marriage challenges in Chapters 9 & 10 only briefly.  So this week is the perfect time to peek ahead and take one of the challenges.

Let’s Discuss:

Here’s a brief video with a few more thoughts on this topic:

(if you cannot see this video- click here to view it)

1.)  What affect has media had on your marriage?  Are there any boundaries you need to put in place to protect your marriage?

2.)  Read Proverbs 14:1.  How does this verse pertain to media?

For Extra Discussion go to the Forum and click on the thread that says “Chapter 7″

Walk with the King,

Courtney

Bloggers:  Are you blogging your way through this book club with us?  Then link-up your blog post below.
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Please note that this link up has changed for the next 5 weeks.{if your linked-up post is not about the book club it will be removed}

 



Comments

  1. I am not married, so I don’t know what to say about this. But, Proverbs 14:1 saids that she makes things with her hands. I guess with the media, that it prevents us from using our hands to do tasks.

  2. 1. I’m not really one to follow these celebrities; I’ve been aware that following them has been unfruitful. There is a lot of competition on there. The Internet can be very good, it can also be a time waster!
    Every Christian marriage should be accountable to one another.

    2. Proverbs 14: 1 A wise woman is to build her house and bear fruit for the Kingdom.

  3. This was one of my favorite chapters! And, this chapter especially hit home with me as I have been working on a devotional book with challenges for being intentional in marriage. That word (intentional) has just been impressed upon my spirit lately in every area. It is so important that we be intentional in every aspect of life, and I think it’s what we have to do regarding media as well–both in what we expose ourselves to and in how we allow media to consume our time.

  4. So sorry about the link-ups! I have been out of the loop lately…but I love this post and agree with the take on media and our relationships. Comparing ourselves with others always, ALWAYS, gets us in trouble. When we concentrate on our own house we will bear much healthier fruit. Great post, thank you.

  5. KellyK(@RNCCRN9706) says:

    1. Studies have shown that Facebook has led to increased divorce rates in certain countries, I think England? I know in my own marriage, my DH found his old high school crush through Facebook and that’s how their affair started. Then she decided to befriend me through Facebook and became my friend to throw me off course so I wouldn’t suspect anything was up between those two. They’d chat privately through Facebook, texting, emails. It was the DAY I decided to do the Love Dare on my husband after watching the movie Fireproof (I’d had both the movie and book for awhile) that I discovered their emails between one another which alluded to an affair between them. I forwarded the emails to my email account, in case I needed them for divorce proceedings before they were deleted. She came right out and told him that he better delete these emails because she’ll deny an affair till she’s blue in the face and people will believe her over him. Well, I still have hard copies in my possession.

    I have female cousins who live out of town and across the country that I keep in touch with via Facebook. Since being badly betrayed by the last woman I trusted, I’ve been leery to make another close female friend. It’s not worth it. I’ve been burned twice now by close female friends. DH will say I spend TOO much time on Facebook. Well, my friends live there. I’ve got a good group of girlfriends whom I chat with online since 2005. A few of them I HAVE met in real life in Chicago in 2008. They are my friends. I also have my Mom who I can talk to day or night. DH and I like to watch different things on TV. He likes Finding BigFoot. I like Downton Abbey. He LOVES Elvis Presley. I’d rather listen to Mercy Me. We DO watch Sports together though. Football season is sadly over…well Superbowl Sunday IS coming up this weekend but our team isn’t playing. I’m looking forward to the Halftime Show and the commercials ;)

    I don’t have any former boyfriends as friends on Facebook. I do have some male high school classmates but I don’t chat with them outside of Facebook whatsoever. After DH’s affair, I had him disable his Facebook acct for awhile. He has since reopened it.

    2. We have to be careful not to let Social Media come between us and our spouse. While it can be used for a good purpose, as you say in the book, in and of itself, social media is amoral. if we allow it, it can be used for the wrong purpose..

  6. 1.) We’ve just had our 18th anniversary and media has been a HUGE part of our marriage. We’ve sort of grown up w/ all the latest and greatest gadgets. We started out w/ dinosaur PCs to now having a ipad/iphone in our hands. We’ve had multiple arguments over the yrs about my time spent in front of my computer. It’s definitely more me, than my husband. But, recently I lost my new iphone 5 (while helping my son feed cows – long funny story) and I have yet to replace it. I’ve rec’d lots of emails/land line calls/ & facebook messages from family & friends saying “when are you going to get a new phone”. However, I am really enjoying not having it. I didn’t realize how much of my time was spent looking at that phone & worrying about who was messaging me. My home is cleaner. Dinner is fixed w/out delay. Most importantly I look at my husband & kids when they’re talking. I’m not distracted during my quite times in the morning. Our relationships have improved. I’m not sure what my “phone future” holds, but I am going to go w/out a phone as long as possible. I am also trying to teach my kids that it’s not ok to just run out and spend more on another one. How many times have my kids been irresponsible w/ their own media devices and I’ve said, “If you lose it (break it) I’m not buying another one!”
    2.) I, like Courtney, believe media in marriage can be a good thing… as long as you are using it to help you in your relationship w/ God, your husband, your kids, & family. If time spent on media is affecting your relationships take steps to cut back and see how those relationships improve.

  7. Funny story… my husband knows who you are and about your blog and book bcs I do GMG and of course LOVE your book and will be hosting a book club in my home. So anyway… I read this post last night and played your video. My husband was in the room doing something else but when he heard your voice he said: “Oh hi there Sunshine.” LOL! He thinks you sound so happy and he made me laugh bcs he knows your voice and who I was watching! Had to share!

  8. Crystal Espinoza says:

    I honestly have stopped “following” people on Instagram because I noticed I would get kind of jealous & get upset with my husband because of pictures of other married couples going on glamorous dates & being showered with beautiful gifts! I knew it wasn’t right & that I should be happy for them & their great times together! It’s something I have to work within me. Spirit of comparison is a one way relationship killer, not just marriage but all relationships! I actually struggle more with seeing moms come up with these awesome & creative crafts & activities for their kids!! Or how good & easy it looks to homeschool (tried it & one week into it threw my son back into the system)! It makes me feel like a bad, lazy no good mama. Ugh!!!! And I know I shouldn’t let social media of all things get to me the way it does!! Something God is working on within me :)

    • I fully agree! That’s why I limit my surfing time of the FB timeline to “Facebook Friday”. I am praying about the other media I use and make adjustments as the Lord convicts!

      • Crystal Espinoza says:

        Love that!!! FB Friday!!!! I’ll start doing that :)

      • I also love that idea! Facebook Friday,,, genius. :) I deleted my FB account right before Christmas and just reactivated it a couple of weeks ago, but man was that time away from it refreshing! It was never my plan to get rid of it forever because, with family far away, it’s a nice way to bring them into our world and keep them connected with their grandbabies. Still, I hate the tug I feel to check it all the time. I bet that if I did a month without it no problem then I can certainly limit my time on it to once a week. ;) Thanks for the idea!

    • Crystal, I just want you to know that you are not alone! I struggle with the exact same things you mentioned. It’s hard to be a wife and mommy in today’s world, especially when we seem to have no break from one another! I think that, if the world insists on being so connected all the time, the least we could all do is keep it real with pictures of a messy house, cranky kids, and the imperfections that make us all in need of God’s grace. :) Thanks for sharing!

  9. 1.) The only effect I am currently aware of in my marriage has been over-use. My husband and I both enjoy watching TV and movies and we have caught ourselves using it as an “escape” the we engross ourselves in for extended period of time instead of simply as something entertaining that we watch from time to time. We have both had a similar problem with video gaming. We have had to put time limits on ourselves in these areas (for example: one show a night or 1 hour of gaming).

    2.) Getting caught up in the “drama” of media can cause you to lose your focus. You should be focusing on God and your family instead of spending all your time soaking in the latest TV/movie gossip.

  10. 1. Negative affects. I am sucked into my computer. I love it. I can’t stay away from it. I can search anything and find new things. I know he is competing with my laptop. He’s told me. I need to cut down a lot on my laptop use. It interferes too much in my life. I have in the past turned off my laptop at 9pm. One because turning it off an hour before bed helps me sleep better and two it gives me time to spend with my husband. I picked up this habit again last night and will do it again tonight. :) He has cut way back on his xbox use. So no complaints in my department. I do want to start the technology-free night. It was a wonderful idea!

    2. By letting technology take over her life. When it is taking place of spending time with her children and husband, it is time to set some boundaries or when it is used for porn or leading to an affair. I think your husband should be involved in the boundaries also. That way you can both keep each other accountable.

  11. Kim Abbott says:

    1 – I know I’m guilty of pulling my phone out when we go out to eat. Instead of spending the time to talk to him, I pull up Facebook or play a game. My husband is not into all the social media but we do find ourselves watching movies when we are alone instead of talking to each other. I remember when we were dating we used to go to the park and walk. Something we should start doing again!

    2 – Keep focus on God and my family instead of spending those precious moments with social media. You can never get those moments back!

  12. I think it all in how u view social media it can b a positive thing if it encourages u or gives u ideas or tips on how to improve urself as wife /mom example I’m a huge fan of the duggar family especially anna duggar know I could choose to b jealous of her life and husband and get bitter or I can choose to use it to encourage myself to do better as a wife and mom and learn from her example I chose the second this example can b applied to anything it’s all in ur attitude !

  13. 1. Media being a distraction has been more of a problem with my husband than with me. For years, he would sit on the computer and look at his various sports sites he was always go to for hours on end, taking time away from me and our marriage. It has taken many talks and things are finally starting to get better in that area. He is realizing keeping track of his alum college teams and the cubs should not and is not more important that being with me. So, we’re getting there. I had fallen into the trap Hollywood puts out there about what relationships are “like’–books and movies, I think, being the worst. But, being a believer and going to women’s ministry at my church that talk about marriage and what marriage and relationships REALLY are like, and seeing what God has to say about marriage and what he expects of it, has really helped ground me. Both of my sisters fell for the “Hollywood trap” too, but having no foundation gave up and are looking for greener grass. Divorce is just not an option for us, and I think for people that feel that way, their chances of working through conflict are much greater than for a couple where one is nonchalant about divorce.

    2. if you let media take control over how you view life should be, it will only destroy your marriage. The only way to know what a marriage is and how it should be is by reading about it in God’s word.

  14. Amanda S. says:

    I think that sometimes media makes my husband and me more like roommates than a married couple. We will sit in our living room and be engaged with technology, and though we talk while doing it, we don’t have as much real time to communicate. I like the idea of one evenings week of no technology. Maybe that is where we can start.

    Proverbs 14:1 says “The wise woman builds her home, But the foolish pulls it down with her hands.” The strength of my home and marriage can be found I the daily choices I make, and I should wisely protect and invest in my marriage, building it upon the true strength of The Lord.

  15. 1) When my husband & I first met we lived in different states and kept in touch through e-mail, so in that respect, technology has played a big role in our lives. We sometimes get on our various devices and zone out after the kids go to bed. We are trying to make more of an effort to read books, cuddle together and watch movies/shows together & talk about them and not just stare at our iPhones or laptops.

    2) I guess I read Proverbs 14:1 a little different-I read it as a wise woman builds up her man & her marriage- in public (on Facebook, Twitter, etc) and in private. But a foolish woman tears her down- bitter posts and snarky “jokes” can tear our husbands down whether they are posted on social media or said in person.

  16. 1. When the kids are in bed my husband and I spend most of our free time using some sort of media (watching tv, being online, etc.) We’re both ready to just relax by the end of the day and I don’t see it as having a negative effect on our relationship, but I’ll have to chew on that one a little more to see if there’s something that I’m missing.

    2. Media can be such a time-suck. It can affect how we care for our homes and how much attention we give to the people in them. By elevating media above these things, are showing our families that they aren’t a top priority.

  17. The computer is the bigger issue for my husband. We sat down for lunch on Tuesday and I pitched my new schedule and then asked him if he would like to give it a try. 6pm ends our work day which means no work, computers off. I feel he needs this since is our only agent. I am starting a schedule that I have designed according to my needs and things I need to do. Come February 1 it will begin.

    My Mom always called me her little cheerleader. I think it is uch better to build people up, especially your husband. Do not be harsh or mean in public, not is it embarassing to your husband but you look silly too. I do not believe in airing your “dirty laundry” in a public setting. Not to say my husband is perfect but I do not need to share any of that. Be a positive light where ever you go.

  18. Media hasn’t really had any kind of an effect on our marriage because we haven’t allowed it. We aren’t technological people anyway so that helps. We have very basic cell phones and we aren’t on twitter, facebook or any of those things. We are more bookworms, board games, etc than anything else. Right now the only media that is being used a lot is college media. My husband is working on his masters and both his classes are online so when he gets on it’s mainly school stuff. Whenever we watch movies it’s always together. We don’t text other people too much and really that’s it for us.
    A wise woman builds her house but a foolish woman tears it down with her hands. If we aren’t purposeful and making sure we put our husbands, marriage, children, God, etc before media…if we aren’t careful in making sure we regulate and restrain ourselves from too much media (especially bad media) we will fail in everything we do. We won’t be seeking God first and putting Him as well as our families above all else. We are to protect our marriage/homes from outside influences. Not all media is bad as long as you are using it to grow in God and it’s something that’s used sparingly. We must be aware of the example we are setting. Media can wait. Time flies…you can’t get time and memories back!

  19. As a teacher, I am constantly using technology in my everyday life. I am usually looking for resources, setting up lesson plans, entering grades, and checking email. At home I like to follow a few blogs, check my FB and twitter, and of course play a few of my “favorite games” such as Candy Crush or Bejeweled. I would say that I have the problem with overusing technology in our marriage. In fact, as I type this I realize that I need to be more disconnected–especially when I get home from work. It seems that I am drowning my exhaustion with distractions of the world- and FB, twitter, and those silly games are taking my time and energy instead of me giving this time to my family. However, the blogs at Good Morning Girls and this one here helps me to refresh my spirituality on a daily basis.

    I read Women Living Well back in the fall, and when I got to the section about un-friending Facebook friends who were male non-family members, I took it to heart and removed many men from my friends list. I also shared this with my husband (who is NOT a FB user), and the respect level in our marriage went up. It feels good to know that I am protecting our marriage with choices that I am learning from God.

    Proverbs 14:1 is to be taken seriously. It takes work and time to build a life for your family, and in an instant you can rip it apart with your hands. It is a good reminder that we are only human and we need God in our lives to help us build our family, and we need Him to prevent us from doing something foolish with our own hands.

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