FUN Unglued Yellow Purse Giveaway – Winner to be Announced on the Webcast!
First let me announce the winners of last week’s Unglued Giveaway! The winners are…
Lisa Raymond and KimmyA!
Congratulations!!!! Please email me: courtney (at) womenlivingwell.org – your address and I’ll get you your copy of the book!!!
Now for today’s giveaway!!! This one is FUN!
Do you see the yellow purse on the cover?
Lysa is giving away a yellow purse filled with Unglued Goodies to one WLW reader!
“The Unglued Prize Pack” includes:
1. Yellow Hand bag (In honor of the cover of Unglued)
2. Unglued Book
3. Unglued DVD Study – (awesome!)
4. Unglued Study Participants Guide
5. Unglued Key Tags
6. A few fun accessories (Scarf and a ring!)
I am flying to North Carolina early Thursday morning to participate in Lysa’s Live Unglued Webcast Thursday evening! Kelly from KellysKornerBlog.com will be on the couch with me too! I will be announcing the winner of this Prize Pack – ON THE AIR! Fun!
You can tune in for FREE to the webcast by going to LysaTerkeurst.com this Thursday evening, August 30th. The webcast begins at 8pmEST. I’ll be sharing “my reaction type” or in other words – when I come Unglued what I act like. lol! And a story of a time when I majorly came Unglued! Let me just say it was my husband’s fault *wink 😉 !
To enter to win: Leave a comment sharing your best conflict resolution strategy you have ever seen in action/heard or implemented.
I’ll be sharing a few of my favorites and the winner on the air!
Walk with the King, 
For the best one is learning when to walk away before things get to far; I am still working on learning that but my husband has it down!
I away find that its easier to solve any problem if you stop and listen. That way you know the true problem is.
The…my…ultimate conflict resolution ever implemented? Jesus Christ dying for me on the Cross!
Amen!
Conflict resolution?! God has certainly opened doors to teaching me what to do and my flesh has taught me what not to do! My mom recently found an apartment and work after living with us for three months. After reading Francine Rivers books, ‘A Mother’s Hope and A Daughter’s Dream’ … I thought I could handle Mom living with us. After all, I just needed to remember that seeing things through others eyes, seeing their views…helps tremendously. Kinda like that old saying I learned in elementary school about what to do when there is a fire, or a fire on you. STOP. DROP. and ROLL. For me, mom, my husband and my kids (9, 8 and almost 2) … I believe in STOPPING, Praying and SEEING. The book of James continues to convict my heart on my tongue and even my actions. I am praying that I can put into action the Stop. Drop. and Roll. …spiritual tactics to avoid conflict and see/hear others hearts over my own. :0) ~~Tiffany G.
Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God.
Amen Sister!! I hear ya – sounds like a book I need to read!
I do a lot of stopping, & walking away… & James is convicting too. Hang in there – you (we will – as I just left my mothers after caring for her for 8+ years) will get through this. God’s got us, we just need to lean on Him.
Hugs, Heather
Sit down at the onset of conflict…If you can fuss at someone from a hammock, then you need therapy.
Kirk Martin of Calm Christian Parenting
I choose to stop when I find myself in a battle and take a deep breath. I think about what I am about to say before I say it, because I know it can’t be taken back once it is said. I choose not to use hurtful words and not use the word “you” during any argument. The word “you” in an argument sounds like you are accusing and blaming the other person. I try not to say anything offensive. Think things through. It is hard, but so worth it in the end.
I have learned that every moment spent in conflict which can result in anger is time lost with my husband in our marriage. I try not to use always and never statements and keep to how I am feeling about an issue and why. I have also learned the importance of asking for forgiveness promptly and the components of asking for forgiveness. I am 65 years old and it has been a long learning process. Understanding forgiveness; the asking for, receiving and accepting/granting forgiveness was a huge help.
When my two boys have been at it all day tormenting each other all day and time outs and spanking have not worked to change their attitudes toward each other I make them hug it out. They have to hug each other for a time set by me. Usually one to two minutes. It gets them laughing and I don’t hear the fighting and bad attitudes after that.
cute!
Conflict resolution was always hard for me because i wanted to have the last word. A few years ago i ask God to help me control that evil sword that came spewing hurtful and painful things. I have to say it didnt happen all at once but slowly with continued prayer and practice I have to say He is helping me win in my resolve to bridle my tongue and that makes less conflicts to resolve. Praise be to God for always keeping His word and giving us the strength to get through it all!
AMEN.
I need to do that!!
On the day my husband and I got married, we were eating at a small little place and there was an older couple in the booth next to us. We got to talking and told them we had just gotten married. They proceeded to tell us that the key to getting through any argument was to hold hands during the entire argument. They said that we would be less likely to say harsh things if we were holding hands. During arguments where we have used this advice, they are resolved rather quickly versus ones we have not followed this advice. To this day, I believe God sent that couple to us to teach us not to let go of one another, even if we are in a disagreement!
Aw! I LOVE that!
I shut myself in a room and ask Jesus to take over 🙂 When I’m really upset the enemy thoroughly enjoys my ability to slice with my tongue….Therefore I purpose myself in having the self-control to zip my mouth, walk away, surrender myself to Jesus, and come back fully refreshed and calm!
It will be a week tomorrow , that my 86 year old Father in law has moved in the house with us. I could see that my husband and I were getting a “little ” short with each other . ( this rarely has happened in our 28 years of marriage ) .S o we agreed that we would talk out the moments together and not let things build up . That way we were in “understanding ” with one another and not assuming the other knows what is going on with each other . This has helped a lot . I know we have many more hurdles to cross . It is with faith and His assurance that we will get through this season . We may unplug or want to sometimes , but I know , I know , that Jesus will never pull the plug .
That is a tough one! When it comes to my husband and I, we really try to avoid conflict by compromising but it doesn’t always work out that way. We try to see each other’s side and not get upset. This is so HARD but worth it in the end.
Listen before reacting .
Give and take is something that I have been told is necessary in all conflicts.
Praying for the other person, even when I don’t feel like, has worked the best for me. When it involves my kids (which it usually does) I often just walk off and give myself time to pray and breathe.
To stop and think before I speak.
Thanks for the giveaway!
Stepping away and saying a prayer for the situation, the other person and for my attitude. Helps me to refocus and breathe!
I slow down and get quiet. I need time to think before I speak.
Take a deep breath and think (and pray!) before I open my mouth with a reaction. 🙂
I’ve learned over the years that for myself, I need to walk away from the situation!
I have bible verses or encouraging quotes written on my kitchen window and when I’m mad, I usually clean so seeing those things on my windows, helps to get my focus back on the Lord and how He’d want me to react and what He’d want me to say! Lots of praying and cooling down!!!!
Did you all see the sweet gal that worked for a famous Christian Restaurant. She handled that mean customer with such grace! If I could only be like that all the time!
Yes!! She is an excellent example of a girl who kept her cool – while her confronter became Unglued!!! Thanks for reminding me of that situation – she did amazing!
Leave the room and focus on something else. Read and breathe!?
Not that I have perfected it, but James 1:19 gives some powerful instructions.
Understand [this], my beloved brethren. Let every man be quick to hear [a ready listener], slow to speak, slow to take offense and to get angry.
By holding my tongue, removing myself from the situation, praying… I find I am in a much better position to talk to the other person.
Sometimes it as simple as reminding myself to smile.
That is the BEST advice yet it is SO hard. I’m reading Unglued and learning a lot already. Looking forward to the Melissa Taylor Online Bible Study
I’m learning. I really have a hard time with this. I think try to talk through it in my head. Lysa wrote this book for me. All is Grace. Praying the Lord will help me.
I try to step back and make the participants, including myself, laugh for a minute. This almost always works with my kids. It helps everyone release some tension and usually the issue at hand doesn’t seem so consuming and we can work it out following a good laugh, or at least a smile.
It’s so tough to resolve conflict! You need the help of the Holy Spirit. I know I can’t do it on my own. Just today I came “unglued” when talking to my husband about chores & children’s school schedule. Not a pretty sight! I would love to read this book!
Leave a comment sharing your best conflict resolution strategy you have ever seen in action/heard or implemented.
As odd as it may sound, my best conflict resolution strategy was for me to stop “playing God”. I acted like a puppet master trying to orchestrate everyone’s emotions and responses when I had no control over my own. This past year has been a rough year with financial strain, health issues, school changes, etc. This year I decided to let God be God and every struggle changed. The way we handled conflict literally changed. We are not falling apart. Before I open my mouth, I remember that I have a high priest that was tried like I am tried. It changed the way I talk, think, respond. I hope my answer does not sound trite or cliche, but when I literally stopped in my tracks and realized I was not trusting God with my frustrations and cares, I had to ask myself if that was the person I was going to continue to be. With patience and lots of practice (We get plenty of times to practice.:), my responses and actions to conflict are changing and so am I.
I usually walk a way from the conflict and take a minute to calm down. It’s the only way that I can address the conflict without losing my control. This never fails to work for me.
One I try with any situation is to treat it as if someone else is watching/listening.. And what they could learn from it or if it would make them feel. Like in a disagreement or something with someone I try to keep a tone and words that it would be fine for anyone else to hear and not change their mood or emotions. I hope that makes sense! (also, I say try because it’s something I’m steadily working on)
I tend to go to the source of the problem, rather than letting it linger. Get the correct information from the one it came from!
Stop and pray. Breathe and remember that God is using this experience to teach me.
I usually try to put myself in the other persons’s shoes.
I walk away from the issue and discuss it with my husband. He always gives me a fresh perspective. Love that man!
I have teenage daughters, and I had to learn to not RE-ACT when they got upset. I think they have a class on how to tick off your mom at school. ANYWAY, it helped to be able to NOT scream at them when they scream at me, and to calmly tell them their actions hurt me. It is defnitely a better reaction that way than if I just yell back! LOL
Preventive action is always best…how is my walk with Jesus? I am usually a little more balanced (emotionally) and generous with grace when my focus is on Him. For those times when I come unglued I need to apologize and work on restoration quickly…don’t let it simmer.
I will be on my to Yellowstone National Park with my family so I will miss the webcast Thursday 🙁
Psalm 46-10 “Be still and know that I am God…” I often say this verse to myself in times of conflict. It helps me to remember that my problems can only be solved with the help of my Heavenly Father.
I find it best to listen, understand, then discuss. Praying is always most important if you can in advance. Never be accusatory. Try to keep the emotions out of the discussion. If that’s not possible, delay the discussion until there is time to cool off.
I am an exploder at first then the Lord most definately convicts me to go about it His way. The Lord wants unity in His church so i pray about it as He tells us to pray about all things and worry about nothing. After prayer I know without a doubt i have to humble myself and apologize for my behavior or lackt there of. It is my job as a womens leader to step up and apologize and set the tone “love” just like in 1 cor. Paul was trying to get everyone on the right path to love one another. By settling the issue/ conflict immediately and following the instructions of Gods word it will never fail you this way. I just recently had to do all of this with a few great friends and in our church. Super hard but the story to give God all the Glory is amazing. I am super blessed the Lord gave me wisdom and all of the answers to dealing with conflict are in His word we just have to search for them.
My best resolution to conflict is never yell. You get better results from the other party. Besides yelling hurts your ears and can give you a headache afterwards.
I’m a person who tries to avoid conflict whenever possible! I usually just try to quickly forgive & move on but often I obsesses over the situation & re-play it in my head a million times;) I’m working in giving things to God in prayer & letting go!
I say out loud to myself…..Stop! Think! Breathe!
Thanks for a chance to win.
Listen completely before reacting, if needed step away from the situation and come back to it when you know you can deal with it without yelling, over reacting, or putting the other person down.
I heard a wonderful tip from Dennis Rainey at FamilyLife Today that the best thing you can do when you sense conflict arising with your spouse (or anyone, for that matter) is to stop and pray (together, if possible) that everything that you say and do during the course of the discussion will honor and glorify the Lord. If that doesn’t change your perspective, I don’t know what will!
although I’ll be the first to say that this is soooo tough to do…resolving conflict in marriage – try a kiss! talk it through no matter how tough, pray together, and I like how I read over at Good Morning Girls one day to be the first to stop the broken cycle…the love and respect cycle…be the first to rise above the conflict and respect and listen and see the other person’s side…and don’t always try to win (there is nothing to win anyways)!
resolving conflict with children – send them off to another room, deep breath, pray, perhaps wash some dishes (get your hands in warm soapy water…seems to calm me down at least), and then speak with them and talk it through.
The book really sounds intriguing to go through it with a group of ladies…especially some ladies that have been there and done that many times over. 🙂
Count to 10 and keep your lips zipped!
I ask myself how I would behave if the Lord were standing right there watching us. Would I yell? name call? throw something? walk away and grumble under my breath? Probably not 🙂 Well, maybe.; but I’d try harder!
The 3 “S” of speaking…
Slowly
Softly
Sweetly
I am trying to listen more and speak less. Walking away and praying before I deal with things is becoming my new plan of action.
Know when to speak, when to listen (which is most of the time) and when not to engage.
Restating what the other person said before moving on and sharing your reaction. It makes it much easier to figure out how each person feels!
One thing that I have heard in the past is that whenever you are in a conversation, the other person should walk away feeling encouraged. I am constantly telling my daughters to “build each other up not tear each other down.”. This needs to apply to me too! So now, when I find myself in a conflict I try (not always successfully) to come at it from the perspective of being an encouragement to the other person – not to prove that I am right.
Face each other and hold hands in a conflict. I know it sounds odd, but it works. The physical (non-harmful) contact eases the tension. It also forces you to look at the person you are in conflict with and resolve it before it gets out of control.
Stepping away from the situation always helps me. It gives me a change to cool down and refocus.
God has truly blessed my husband and I. After being together almost 11 years and married for 7, I can still count on one hand the number of times we have come “unglued” with each other. We learned very quickly when to walk away and discuss things later. We now have 3 children 6 and under who are learning obedience… Let’s just say this is where my problem area lies. I am learning how to bite my tongue to keep from yelling and to react out of love instead of anger. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but my children are worth it.
Just to bite my tongue for the little things and remind myself he is not a woman and thinks different than I do. Also never go to bed angry, always talk it through before hitting the pillow at night 🙂
Before I leave the house in the morning I always try to ask God to be the guard of my mouth, fill it with His words not mine and help me to lift those up that come across my path instead of tier them down. In the past it has help me to be aware of my behavior to others even when I want to come unglue.
My best conflict resolution strategy is to simply know when to walk away… sometimes when the hubby and I don’t quite see eye to eye, we are able to talk it out right then and there and resolve the issue. Sometimes not… and when we can’t seem to agree on anything and emotions are running high, I’ve found that it’s best to just give it a little room to breathe and re-visit it once we’ve both had time to calm down. That being said, I REFUSE to go to bed angry… no matter how frustrated one or both of us is, I always make it a point to tell him how much I love him and kiss him goodnight!
Agree to disagree sometimes, but not for the sake of simply moving on. We can’t always understand everything about each other. So sometimes, if we value the relationship enough, we have to agree to disagree and even do or say things to show the other person we care even when we’re not exactly sure where the other person is coming from. Understand that sometimes there will be something we don’t understand about another person, or that someone doesn’t understand about us, but we have to do our best to understand, or at least recognize when something is really important to another person. Then even if we don’t understand why, we can accept and respect our differences and behave in a manner that will help the relationship grow rather than tear it apart.
I pray until things change!
I have been told that I get quiet and determined when I am angry with another adult. I really take time to think through my words. I think it works well but people who lash out and let their words fly really don’t like it at all. Nothing wrong with taking the time to take a deep breath and make sure my words are edifying and not damaging.
I am trying to stop and think before I speak. Beginning and ending each day in prayer for my husband is essential.
Respond rather than react!
Serving the person who offended you usually works for me.
Giving the person a little “happy”. Just a little something or doing a little something for them.
A kind act goes a long way!
“A kind-hearted woman gains respect.” Prov. 11:16
I have given up always having to make my point – understanding that he thinks what he thinks and I think what I think. Sometimes we reach a middle ground. Sometimes he asks what I think but doesn’t really want to know. Sometimes he really listens. I need to be mentally prepared for the unpreparable and try to keep my cool by trying to keep my big mouth shut when the conversation turns in an unpleasant way.
I always ask myself if this situation is something that’s making my husband feel disrespected. I’ve learned in 24 years of marriage that will put him in a bad frame of mind every time. We have also learned to sit face to face and calmly discuss our issues. If you can look your spouse in the eye and hold their hand while discussing your grievance, you can probably get through it without any blaming, assuming or name calling, which would only fan the flames of anger.
I taught my husband to say, “that is an interesting perspective, Mother.” he does not have to agree or disagree. And she feels respected. It works!
My best conflict resolution strategy is to keep reminding myself that just because I can respond or state my opinion, doesn’t mean that I need to, nor should I for that matter.
I try to think about a problem from the other person’s point of view. If I can figure out exactly what they are needing, then we can get to a resolution quicker. I always try to make every “battle” a win-win situation. Praying about it also helps!
PMS is not an excuse for bad behavior- I used to tell my hubby” Just deal with it for a week and stay out of my way” After reading a devotional on this a few weeks back I had a ” Come to Jesus” moment having my quiet time ( in the bathroom with kids yelling for me down the hall) and if I wasn’t in an already humbling position I would have hit my knees and begged for forgiveness. I sat there and cried. Then I called my hubby and apologized and then 2 weeks latter shared it at our Ladies Bible study and we all had a “Come to Jesus” moment and hold each other accountable for our attitudes. Thank YOu God for Sisterhood
Let the small stuff slide. I started out thinking how important the dispute would be in a year. Not? Let it go. Then instead of getting frustrated about picking up the one thing he left laying around (sugar substitute packages) over and over, every day, I started to pray for him and thank God for him. I felt so much better. Now, when he tosses the packs himself, I feel sort of cheated of a chance to pray for him. 🙂
I’ve always heard to count to ten and take deep breaths. I tell my daughters to do that when they are upset, but I forget to do it myself most of the time.
Ooh, that’s a toughie. I think I have found that I need to have a good long talk with God amd read his word before I make any decisions. He has a way of showing you that you’re not ‘entitled’ to whatever you’re upset about! Forgive! 🙂
THINK before you Speak
Is it True?
Is it Helpful?
Is it Inspiring?
Is it Necessary?
Is it Kind?
The one most effective ways for me to be a starter of conflict resolution is to repeat Scripture to myself. Otherwise it is me REACTing in the flesh instead of me ACTing in the Spirit.
Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus. Phil 2:4-5 NIV
Implemented: Had a conflict with a family member — It tugged at my heart for hurtful things that were said. First, I tried discussion, not successful and then tried ignoring it, not successful! Through it all, I laid it all out before God and sought prayer, and although this person is not a follower of Christ — I decided to reach out another way. So, I wrote a long letter letting them know how important they are to me and I included this scripture. The response back was a bit overwhelming, it was like the floodgates opened up — received beautiful letter back of confession and heart-felt apology. We’ve never looked back at those days again. Although this person has not accepted Christ as their Lord and Savior, they’ve stayed open to hearing God’s word. ~Em
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
(4)Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. (5) It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of the wrongs. (6) Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. (7) It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
*Sorry this is a bit long*
This is an ongoing solution, as the more I mature in my relationship with the Lord, the more my ways change.
No doubt about it, I struggle with anger. It’s rooted deep through certain (not all) parts of my family, and unfortunately – it rubs off. I honestly think anger can reproduce faster than rabbits.
Throughout my younger years, I have been all out angry from hitting things with the intent of breaking them, running away, pounding desks, having a very sassy & hurtful (& foul) mouth, and even contemplated suicidal thoughts at a young, young age, etc. {all of these things I intent on blogging on in the future – an even closer future if I win this giveaway 😉 }
However, as I got older & my husband worked with me – my ways have gradually changed. Especially since my mother was murdered two years ago (you can read a post about that here: http://whileonthisside.blogspot.com/2012/08/fall-apart.html ), and I got saved. A very few short months after my mother’s passing, I came across good morning girls winter study that would be starting in January 2011. And it introduced me to SO MUCH – definitely since we were applying the SOAP method when studying! I learned SO MUCH about dealing with ANGER (becoming unglued!) in James!
Since the James study, I know I am not perfect in resolving conflict, but it is a LOT easier for me to recognize my anger -(as opposed to when I recognized my “justification to have this reaction” that I had in the past). I have a LONG way to go, but I also recognize (& am very thankful) that the Lord has Brought me a LONG WAY since then as well. I pound the occasional desk, and mumble under my breath at times, but I avoid the rest. I PRAY a lot, and try to be rational when I am becoming “unglued,” write, and walk away. I’ve even resorted to ignoring at times, but I have found that that can be disrespectful – so I am definitely working on that.
Anger is definitely a trial for me, and it’s not easy. I think that in general, we as people like things that give us instant gratification, and a lot of times, that instant gratification can seem to come from anger moreso than keeping the peace. But – What am I in such a hurry for? The Bible says I should be “Making the best of my time (Ephesians 5:16),” and I can’t do that if I am anger or in a rush!
On a side note:
I struggle with, what I am assuming is, anger (or perhaps just some sort of weird aftermath) – from when I had a very extreme case of PPD (my doctor said it was the worse that he had seen in 30 years). I really need prayer in this area, and if there is anyone I can talk to that has overcome PPD, it would be so great to have a mentor for this area in my life (if your situation is similar to mine – that’s awesome. My boy is currently 10 & I had PPD for 2.5-3 years. – though I am still dealing with the aftermath of it today).
My email address is whileonthisside (at) gmail (dot) com
Thanks in advance!
Sincerely praying for the person with whom I’ve been in conflict if the conflict has not been resolved. I pray for the person’s peace of mind and heart, I pray for his/her physical wellbeing, and I fervently pray for healing. As I pray, the anger or ill-feelings I’ve had toward the person dissolve in God’s love.
To take a deep breath before blowing a gasket! Then listen fully before speaking!
For me, I have to walk away. It keeps things from escalating. If I can’t escape, I try really hard to “check out”. I have one friend she and her husband came up with a word. If they noticed that the other was losing control, the other would just say the word and it forced the other to step back and breathe. It worked so well for her that she told everyone that she knew. How I found out was at a party and her child was acting out badly, and she started to lose her cool when about 5 people yelled out this ONE word. *L* I don’t think they all knew that they each KNEW her word. 😀
Asking questions. Because usually we just don’t understand where a person is coming from and if we ask questions, even if we are upset with them, it seems to take the mood down a notch and understanding becomes possible.
I like to take a step away from the situation and then return when I have a major problem. I don’t want it to become blown up due to nasty words.
I have to keep my mouth shut and somtimes leave the room and get some air or I blow things way out of proportion. Once calm again after lots of prayer : ) asking questions and really listening to what the other is saying.
Don’t keep thoughts/feelings bottled up and assume your husband can read your mind and know why you are upset.
oh, what a great givaway!
hmmm…i usually just give in and reconcile, even if it’s really his fault;) with the kids, i come unglued way too easily! i need this book:)
Take a breath, pray for help, attack the problem–NOT the person!
The best conflict resolution I have seen is to pray first and not spew out the words that are fueled by the moment. When both parties have had time to cool down and seek His wisdom then come together and talk about the issue and not attack the person.
For us it is to not go to bed angry and to make communication a priority.
I try to stop and ask myself if it really matters, will it be important in an hour or next week, if not I let it go. If it is important, I have taken time to think and can hopefully respond appropriately.
To pray about it, wait, seek wisdom from the Lord, then act
My husband and I will “talk out” an issue as many times as it takes until we both are comfortable with the decision we have come to. Sometimes this means coming back to the topic at hand several times over a span of a week, and on occasions, months! I have learned this approach works a lot better with my husband who is a “thinker” versus demanding that he come to a conclusion or agree with me right away on something. This approach allows God to work on our hearts and maybe even redirect us in a all together different and better direction.
The first thought that come in my mind is…empathy. If I can slow down and look at the others’ perspective (husband, kids, relatives) it often helps. And then I usually pray God to help me understand and find a way to solve conflicts. He always answer, in different ways every time. My personal goal is to talk less and be a good listener of Him and of the others’ reasons, especially when it comes to my husband’s.
well when I come uglued witch is more offten the I would like to admit , I try and go to a quit place like my bedroom or bathroom , shut the door ,pray and take some deep breaths , seems to help .
It took me a long time to learn this, but when facing conflict, I take a moment to think before I speak. This allows my anger or disappointment to cool off a little, so I won’t say something I may later regret. I’m looking forward to the second installment of the webcast. Thank you for such a fun giveaway!
It kind of depends on the situation and who the conflict is with. But mostly trying to remember not to “attack” the person and pointing blame at them, but instead to express how I received what they said or did. That puts more of the focus on yourself, not on them, and doesn’t bring such a rise in defensiveness. Perhaps you misunderstood or misheard, maybe they weren’t clear with their words, or you misread their action or inaction. Maybe they were just having a bad day. Don’t make assumptions and don’t play the blame game!
Hmmm that’s a hard question to answer. Definetly talking it through. Not letting it stew or gossiping about the problem.
To be quicker to listen than I am to speak and to seek out truth and make peace with the other person rather than try to be right. This is a struggle for me but thankfully the Holy Spirit nudges my heart back towards Christ no matter how many times I fall. Like others have said having a heart focused on the Lord is the best preventive measure for unnecessary conflict.
I recently watched a powerful documentary entitled fierce love. It showed the various types of people across this world that not only have experienced the love of God but those who desperately need it as well. I was inspired and challenged to truly embody the love that Christ has and has shown through out the word of God. The best way to resolve, deal with and overcome conflict that life has to offer has been to show love. When you show love you are able to be patient (waiting before speaking, giving the other person an opportunity to speak), kind, long suffering (the issue doesn’t make you turn away from them but draw nearer and use it to better the relationship). I may be 21 and to the world that is young enough to make mistakes (which would include blowing up and forgetting the character of my savior) but I prefer to shock them and let God be glorified through a different approach to conflict.
Did anyone see that episode of Donald Duck: “hahahaha, laugh and count to ten”? 🙂
I’m not sure if it works but the main thing is to re-focus on something else, preferably our Lord and Saviour! If I’m really mad I’ll always start crying at ‘some’ point. My hubby then sits down next to me, takes his guitar and plays a christian children’s song and it always calms me down!
(the text of the song is something like this: Sweet Lord Jesus, when I come to think of what you’ve done for me, what a precious gift. I want to belong to You, I want to be with You, because You took all my sin, all my fear and all my pain – I couldn’t find another English translation so I don’t think it exists in English!)
Think before you speak and listen to the still small voice of God guiding careful words.
Keep the main thing, the main thing…it’s not about who is right or wrong…it’s about extending grace in difficult situations.
I find that I really need to take some time away, think, and write down my feelings and then give a note to my husband to read, give him some time to think, and then we sit down to talk about it. Everyone has had time to cool off and we can actually work together to solve something instead of yelling and hurting feelings.
I try to remember a very simple quote what my Mom taught me and I’m trying to teach my four children who are homeschooled, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all!”
The best thing I do is to be open and honest about everything. Even when it hurts still be honest. Talk about things instead of keeping it bottled inside!
One thing I have tried to do during conflict is to pray for the person I am in a conflict with. My heart normally is softened towards them, and I find it easier to deal with the person. My other goal is to love them as Christ loved them. I go out of my way (no matter how hard it is for me) to serve them. Take them cookies, send a note, or even just a smile.
Pray ..pray .. and more pray. When the conflict is harder and very sensitive, ask a friend who I can trust to live me up in prayer as well … and let my words be God’s and not mine. And apologize quickly, don’t wait – even sometimes we know we do no wrong.
I try to remember to stop and pray before replying. I don’t always make it and I become unglued. God is working on me in this area with my husband.
Thanks.
I am the husband of a follower of your blog and since your husband was the cause of you coming unglued, I thought I’d stir the pot so to speak :). I’d also like to win this prize for her since we can’t get this stuff where we live in SE Asia.
One of my most effective conflict resolution strategies involved my wife and my mother! Yes, I hear you all beginning to laugh because I know our situation was or is not unique :). After a few years of marriage, there was way too much friction and I’d had enough so I acted. One day I called my dad and told him I was bringing my wife over. Dad was a little confused and my wife was pretty sure she was not going. 10 minutes later we arrived and I proceeded to start a confronting conversation until my wife and mother started arguing. At that point, I stepped back and told them to go for it!!! Hahaha. After some heated discussion and a few tears, there were hugs and in the 9 years since, we have had very few problems and there are now like mother and daughter. Dangerous I know but God used it to produce a great outcome.
Keep up the great ministry.
Shane
I have been very blessed with a husband that I am rarely in contention with. On the few occasions that we are in conflict….we can take a few minutes to stop, pray, calm down and then we can discuss the problem. I can gratefully say that we can work our way through anything!!
I would love to watch the webcast, but unfortunately I live in Germany so that is at 2 am! Will you be letting the winner know by email as well as the live announcement?
Thanks for all the blessings you pour out through this blog, I really enjoy reading it!
DeeAnn
If the fight is about something that was either said or done in the past I say, “why fight about something ‘today’ that has already happened? We’ve already had this fight – why have it again? Why don’t we instead use this time to discuss ways we can avoid this problem to arise in the future?” If it is in fact a “new” argument we both make sure not to raise our voices or say things we don’t mean. If either of those things start to happen we separate and go in different rooms immediately. Until we can constructively discuss sides, opinions, feelings in a loving and respecting manner we don’t poision the situation any further. Hurtful words and rude tones just make everything worse!
I’ll also say to my husband “God is watching us right now and we’re acting really ugly!!” That leads to apologizes and kisses 🙂 every time!
Remember that love keeps no record of wrongs. Be quick to forgive, quick to admit your own mistakes, and quick to move on from the conflict.
The best conflict resolution I have seen/experienced is when one person starts getting really heated, and the other blesses the heated person to disengage them and get to a point where they can talk on a level that has potential for resolution.
I have seen when I keep my mouth shut it gives the Holy Spirit time to work in the situation. Sadly, I have a hard time remembering to do this.
Oh, I so need to read this! I can’t even think of a good strategy. How sad is that?? That’s how much I need to read this!
A mentor of mine told me that when her husband is asked a conflicting question he will say “let me think about that for a bit and I’ll get back with you”. That will give him time to think and pray and the topic has moved on to something else.
When I am in conflict with my husband for example, it is important for me to remember to get the log out of my own eye before responding to him defensively and to ask myself what have I done that may have contributed to the conflict. I usually find a huge plank in my eye that I need to take out , repent of, and ask for forgiveness. The other piece that has helped diffuse conflicts especially in the future is to truly forgive one another and not bring it back up later in other arguments. Once it is forgiven, it is forgiven. Of course what I am sharing with you is not something I always get right today and it has taken me years to learn this, unfortunately the hard way. But I do want and desire to resolve conflict in healthy Godly ways and teach my daughters how to do the same. Sometimes I get angry or frustrated with my children and I don’t have self-control in that moment, and I have to go to them and say what Mommy did was wrong and ask them to forgive me. It is one of the most humbling things I have had to do. I think it is important for our children to see that we make mistakes too and are not perfect. Even though we may not get it right in the moment, we get it right in the end and show our children how to humbly repent of our sins and ask for forgiveness. I realize nobody wants to come unglued but the fact is we all do at sometime in our life and sometimes more than once and that is when we need the gospel more than anything and to learn how to be real with our emotions and to learn to forgive ourselves losing self-control and to ask forgiveness from those we hurt and were in our wake.
Prayer, Prayer, & More Prayer!!!! 🙂 Sometimes for Me, Sometimes for the other person, and Sometimes for the both of us!!! It works!!! Getting in the Right place with God is what it takes, and most times the “right place” is on my knees!! 😉 And SOMETIMES the best conflict resolution is Laughter (and prayer 😉 b/c don’t we all need to laugh at ourselves sometimes?!!! Usually the “conflict” isn’t huge enough to disrupt the lives that God has planned for us!!! I am not saying it’s easy, b/c it isn’t, but it is necessary!!! Many Blessings, and Thanks for this opportunity!!!! Fabulousness!!!!! 😀
As my cyber BFF, Wendy Pope, is discussing this week during her Psalm 35 study, David had a wonderful strategy that he used. He prayed to God to “Contend, O Lord, with those who contend with me; fight against those who fight against me.” (Psalm 35:1). I need to remain humble to the other person and represent truth whether I’m guilty (by being honest about what I’ve done and by asking for forgiveness) or not. Most importantly, I must remember that revenge is the Lord’s, walk away, and trust that God will heal and restore all people involved in the conflict.
I find that conflicts often arise when I try to control and want things done my way. Just recently I heard someone say there is more than one way to get things done. I try to hold this thought in my head throughout the day. When conflicts occur, I pause, think about the situation and consider if any harm will come if we try something differently from the way I would have done it. If no harm, I tell myself “let go and let them do it their way.” It may not be the way I wanted to do it, but most of the time it works just as well!
to sort out an argument/conflict w/spouse, to sit facing each other, knees touching, holding hands and take turns discussing the matter. (And pray beforehand).
With my husband and children it would be praying together and hugging.
This past Lent, I gave up yelling. (Tried very hard to give up Yelling). I would pray and call on the Holy Spirit to help me when I started to feel my blood boil. Things were not perfect, but they were better!
I think we resolve our conflicts better when I don’t react too quickly. I need to take some time to compose myself and think about what I will say before a load of garbage flies out of my mouth. I need to take a bit of time to let emotions settle.
My best is, I walk away when I feel I’m at a wall. I breathe and ask God to shower me with his Grace and then return when I feel I have a little more control of my thinking.
While I am not always good at it, I find humility and taking my own expectations out of the equation go a long way in keeping a conflict from escalating. Reminding myself it’s more about relationship than about me being right really helps!
What I am learning is that I cannot control everything. Even though I have good intentions and trying prevent heartache in the future, I have to learn to let go and let God be in control of the situation.
Listen more, speak less & pray!
I believe it’s important to think and pray before I speak. Don’t say things out of anger that you will regret later.
When my boys (10 and 5) fight over something really silly and they can’t seem to “communicate” to one another to make a resolution OR if they just don’t have open hearts to resolution, I make them stand toe to toe with one another, hold hands, and say, “You are my brother and I love you. I’ll always be there for you. And Mom rocks.” They can’t ever finish it without giggling, and before it’s over, they are laughing with one another not fighting. In our house–laughter and love always overpowers conflict. God’s grace was sufficient for all of us, so we remind each other daily that grace is all we need with one another in the “tough” moments.
One word….Coworker….I have all the patience and kindness in the world (HAAHAHAHA) I pray for kindess and strength but my nerves unravel at the very thought of them…I need prayer…lots and lots of prayer..I will God to unharden my heart…
The Lord nudges me to react the right way by reminding me with His word “If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.” Romans 12:18 If I listen to the Spirit’s leading, the conflict is resolved, but unfortunately I don’t always listen.
I tend to come “unglued” more with my kids than with anyone else. It may be because I am with them more than with anyone else :-). When I feel myself getting to that point, I take a step back, take a deep breath and tell them Mommy needs some alone time. I go back to my room, close the door, and put on calming music. My favorite song to listen to is Sandi Patty’s “In the Calm”. My favorite line is “In the Calm of Your Presence I am listening Lord. I am still. I am quiet. I am yours.” It brings my right back to Him. I feel my muscles loosen, my breath slow, and my anxiety melt. His Presence calms me when nothing else can.
Thanks for the give away. Can’t wait to “see” you on the webcast Thursday night.
Definitely listen when a conflict arises and pray before even speaking.
I have recently learned the best way to stop conflict and arguing mostly with my kids is to…KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT which is crazy hard most of the time but works amazingly!
Humility. My mom set this example for me while I was growing up. Be quick to apologize and admit what I did wrong/ what I could have done differently in the situation. I have learned that when my husband gets upset with me, if I keep going on and on about what he did wrong and rationalizing why I did what I did, we will end up fighting for hours. But if I am quick to apologize for my sins (I am never perfectly without fault), the fight does not drag on and a lot of times he will apologize for what he did, too.
God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. This pattern seems to work in earthly relationships as well.
Sometimes I just have to take a breath and walk away. I need better ideas though!
The strategy I am working on is to pause before reacting/speaking. And when I can do it, it works!
I think one of the best conflict resolution strategies I’ve heard is a marriage conflict resolution strategy: when you’re arguing hold hands. It might sound crazy, but it’s hard to say mean things to each other or get too angry if you’re holding hands. It’s a simple physical connection that reminds us we’re in this together and we need to work through the conflict as a team, rather than working against each other.
I think for me, it’s taking time to think through things before reacting. Pausing a moment before answering, taking a break to process before responding, etc.
The best idea my husband and I have tried is first figuring out what the issue is that is causing our conflict. Then we can talk at the issue, not each other and work together to deal with the problem. Someone suggested writing the issue on a piece of paper and putting it between you so you can refocus when you get away from what the real discussion is about. I think we actually wrote it down once, but it is a good visual to help you work together as a team and point at the issue not each other.
I think that anytime you can bring laughter into a frustrating situation, the anger will dissipate right away. My husband has mastered this technique. If we’re on the verge of an argument, he’ll make some witty remark that helps diffuse the tension.
Send kids to room for 10 minutes before I talk to them so I have time to calm down….sometimes I even forget they are in their room!
it has taken me 28 years, but i am now learning to: *pause before i speak, *think how much i love my husband, and *don’t say something that might be mean, just because i feel like it
For me, it is to see the motive behind my reaction…Am I wanting to be right or do I want to see things through the other persons perspective? Many times the other persons viewpoint has valid points and many times wins over mine. But above all, I want the other person to see Jesus in me.
LISTEN!
As the Bible instructs, be quick to listen and slow to anger.
I still have a hard time listening first but when I do, I see a real change in the direction of the conflict!
After I get over that first hurdle of listening and not figting back, it’s a lot easier to react with grace.
When my husband and I were going through a tough spot in our marriage, one of the elders in our church that he was meeting with advised him that as a husband he should “seek to make your wife holy, not just happy.”
Pray!! God can bring you through anything!!
A soft answer turns away wrath but harsh words stir up anger-Proverbs 15:1. I have recently been reminding my grandchildren to recite the verse. I know it works as well. Years ago, I remember my Dad trying to help me do something with my car and he wasn’t understanding what I meant and started raising his voice in frustration. I thought of the verse and spoke softly. It changed the whole interaction with a positive ending!
It is so important to hide God’s word in our hearts. Psalm 119:11. Hiding His word does help in times of trouble. For as it has been said, “as surely as the sparks fly upward man is born to trouble” Job 5:7.
I am really trying to walk away, but am really struggling right now with kids who fight constantly when they are together. I am unglued unfortunately.
Oh man I need this book! Unfortunately I have a tendency to become unglued quickly! The best conflict resolution there is is open communication and prayer. To hear what the person is saying without interjecting our feelings and emotions into what we THINK they mean (so bad for this) and actually hear what they say and let them explain what they mean! Prayer before a discussion starts is of course wonderful, and prayers during as well as a prayer together afterward- especially if the conflict was with my husband!
Thanks so much for giving stuff away but especially for sharing- I have really enjoyed your blog and all the others I have found through your site!
I realize that the heat of the moment is where things can get challenging. Our emotions need to be subject to Him. Not easy, but possible because of His amazing grace. I have learned and am continuing to learn (still messy at times) that as I abide in Him I can do those things that seem hard…or impossible.
In the heat of the moment I send up a smoke signal of prayer. I may be fuming outwardly but I am begging him for wisdom, discernment, grace and truth in the moment. And He is faithful. I am growing in grace as I groan silently within, asking Him to lead me to learn to die to self…and be victorious through Him. Less of me, more of Him. It’s my heart’s desire….and my flesh’s nightmare. 😉
I love seeing the girls at Girls on the Run practicing I feel….when you…..if only someone had taught me that skill at an early age!
Recently my husband and I have learned to diffuse contentious situations in a couple of different ways.
1. Let the first thing out of your mouth be this: Agree with what the other has said. (Here’s sort of a silly example, but you’ll get the idea.)
A: That sure is an ugly shirt you are wearing.
B: You’re right! Maybe this isn’t the best color for me. (Then you can go on with…) This fabric makes me feel feminine and pretty, though.
It’s remarkable how well it keeps things from getting out of hand.
2. After the other has spoken or aired his or her complaint/opinion, DO NOT immediately defend yourself. Say something like, “I hear what you are saying,” then either keep your own mouth shut or, if you are really good say, “Tell me more about why you feel that way.” A conflict turns into a learning opportunity and ultimately brings the combatants closer, which, in a marriage, is the ideal outcome of conflict in the first place.
Once the other person knows that you really do care about them and that you are SAFE, resolution is much more likely. There will always be conflict, but there needn’t be a fight!
For me, it is keeping your cool. A quiet answer turns away anger, so to really hear not just what the other person is saying, but why they are saying it, and proceeding from there, calmly.
Any time my husband & I get into a spat, we usually go have our own time for a little bit to think about what just happen. We then come back after 30 minutes or so usually and sit down to talk about what happen. After we realize who/what was wrong and how our reactions were wrong, we then pray and ask God to give us strength for it to not happen again.
I have a 21 year old daughter , who is trying to find herself in the world. It is sometimes really hard to listen and not say much as she is trying to see where she wants to go in life with school and life. I pray and listen to what she has done or wants to do. When she ask my thoughts is when I pray even more, becuase I want her as not being saved yet to listen to what GOD was to say in me.
Best I’ve heard/implemented is when you or your spouse are in conflict, go to where your spouse is & ask that you two pray together right then for resolution. Dr. Emerson wrote the book, “Love & Respect” & my husband & I took the class for it through our church. It was so empowering to know that no matter what, I can go to my husband & say “Let’s pray this out” & leave it with the One who designed my marriage in the first place.
I have learned to step back, and try my hardest to look from the outside in. Followed by tons of prayer!
When I taught at a private Christian school, we used The Young Peacemaker book to teach students conflict resolution. We focused on the slippery slope which showed them the different reactions they could have such as the Attack Zone (put downs, gossip, and fighting), The Escape Zone (deny, blame game, and runaway), and the Work It Out Zone (talk it out, overlook, and get help). The kids could relate and it gave them positive tools to stay in the Work It Out Zone. Very good book.!
Shortly after discovering Unglued last week, we had a HUGE family conflict. It got ugly….real ugly. I chased my husband throughout the house slamming doors, until he locked me out of the office. We yelled and screamed until it all blew up. Before I knew it, I was out of control. I blew it. I asked for a break, 20 minutes. I informed our family we would be meeting in the living room in 20 minutes. I brewed some tea, went to the word, prayed, and visited the Focus on the Family website. There, I found an outline to follow to clear up conflict.
Our family met, we prayed, we talked, discussed accountability, and appropriate discipline. My husband shocked me. HE extended grace. To each of us. His gentle answer had reversed all the wrath from the evening. We prayed some more, and when it was all over the Lord reminded me of something. We just demonstrated healthy conflict resolution for our children, and children’s children. It was a beautiful thing.
Courtney, thank you for your blog. Thank you for sharing Unglued with us. I can’t imagine the lives your ministry is affecting. It certainly is enriching mine!
Think before speaking. Then use biblical counsel.
S.T.A.R. = Stop, Take a deep breath, And… Relax. Then, you can state the problem(s) and begin looking for solutions!
Mine is prayer before during and after conflict 🙂 For the most part I am stuffer, which makes it easier to reflect and pray about how to handle the conflict in a way that would be more honoring of God 🙂
This was something we heard on a marriage retreat weekend.
When there is conflict with your spouse try to put your anger and pride aside and act as if you are speaking with Jesus and not your spouse. Imagine it as if Jesus were sitting there or standing there. Talk to him as if you were speaking to Jesus himself. You are not fighting your husband but the principalities that want to destroy a family. Would you scream at Jesus or belittle Him or ignore Him?
Whoa! That put a different spin on things for me. I don’t succeed always at this. When we are in the heat of it and that pops into my brain it does actually make me cringe. Would I treat Jesus this way? Would He want me to speak to my husband this way? Ouch. Effective.
Kendra
I love this! Thank you for sharing.
We have found the sentence starters: “When you… I feel…” to be very helpful when trying to resolve a conflict. It seems to put the other person in a better position to truly hear what you’re saying instead of justing getting defensive!
Use I words. I feel or I think. Instead of you do this or you said this. We got that advice in our marriage counseling before we got married. I do it all the time!
The one that seems to work best for our family, is to walk away for a few minutes, regroup and try to meet a resolution then.
Don’t react out of initial feelings, I’ve found it best to wait atleast a day before resolving conflict. Usually the initial angry emotions have gone and I can speak rationally and objectively. Praying and surrendering the situation to God always works! Talk it out with God before you talk it out with the person.
When my MIL and I were at wits end, my husband had us to write out all the issues we had with one another. He sat in the middle as a mediator and prayed at the beginning and end of it. There were no quick results but it was a start. I had great respect for my husband that day forward on how he handled the conflict that had grew over time.
Be alert to what you are thinking about, pray, responed not react to the situation.
My husband just walks away and lets it rest. I used to be the type that kept bringing up the conflict until it was settled, but this past year, I’m growing and learning that we both probably need to step back, think and pray.
Advice for anyone in a conflict:
Actually Listen (to the other person)!
Be humble (you are NOT always right! Yup – that one always hurts)!
Don’t give up (take time to figure it out together and come to where you both agree!)
Pray together!
Putting the reminder in my agenda to listen in on klove and know that I’m praying for you!
I like what Lysa said, respond don’t react. I’m learning through reading the bible for the first time in my life how to make changes, to be the wife, mother, person Jesus wants me to be. Your blog is another wonderful resource but I’ve noticed the holy spirit convicting me of the changes I need to make 🙂
Think before you speak. As a pastor’s wife, this one has been huge for me to learn and put into practice. People can say the dumbest things and I don’t want to be like them. I want to be an example to my children. Think before you speak!
The Pause….I think pausing before reacting in ANY situation automatically diffuses the emotional bomb that may go off. it’s my new secret weapon! 🙂
I volunteered for a couple of years in a pregnancy resource center. One evening a woman came in and wanted grocery store coupons. I gave her the standard amount. She got pretty riled up, saying it wasn’t enough and she wanted more. A lot of hostility. She said the director told her she could have more. So I called him. He had never spoken with her before and asked me to put her on the phone. I don’t know the exact words he used but her entire demeanor changed. But I am certain he spoke to her with kindness. To this day I always remember that situation. It is incredible how quickly kind words can diffuse a hostile situation.
I have learned (and am still learning) that God will direct my response. I try to be patient and let him direct me. I really understand the phrase ‘bite your tongue’ sometimes I need to do just that.
Mandisa confronting Simon Cowell on American Idol after he said they’d need a bigger stage for her. She said, “What I want to say to you is that, yes, you hurt me and I cried and it was painful, it really was. But I want you to know that I’ve forgiven you and that you don’t need someone to apologize in order to forgive somebody. I figure that if Jesus could die so that all of my wrongs could be forgiven, I can certainly extend that same grace to you.” And that’s a woman who truly is living well 😀
I sooo not an expert on resolving conflict! I try to just let the little stuff slide & not make a mountain of every molehill. Learning to be quiet is HARD! & most of all FORGIVE! Not just forget….really just forgive. Let go & let God. 🙂 He shows us the way! It’s hard to get past human emotions.
My best conflict resolution strategy (actually prevention strategy) is to bite my tongue and that can be so difficult for me! The next best thing is to apologize and snuggle/hugs afterwards. I love this giveaway!!!
This is something I am still working on. But I’ve been told that when I become “Unglued” (which seems to be happening more often lately) that I need to step away calmly and seek God’s help. Prayer is an amazing tool that God has given us and He is just waiting for us to use it as He intended. I’ve even stopped during an “argument” w my 3 year old and sat down with her and prayed. I’ve used that as a teaching tool as she always asks me what we are doing 🙂 God is always there for us to guide us through any situation and to help us at any moment no matter how big or small the situation may be. PTL
One of the best pieces of advice I have heard is to take a deep breath, tell the person you are with you need a couple of minutes and then find a closet or quiet spot and get alone. Use this time to take deep breaths and pray that God will keep you calm and give you loving words to resolve this conflict. I don’t always do this but it has worked when I have. Awesome give away!
It’s tough, no doubt! What I’ve been trying lately, as well as teaching my son, is to really think what Jesus would do in that moment or how could I try to be the LIGHT. It’s amazing the peace that comes over you. 🙂
When my kids were young and fighting with each other, I would make them put their hands behind their backs and stand nose-to-nose for 5 minutes (no other body parts could touch). This almost always ended in lots of giggles since one child was taller than the other so being nose to nose took some strategy. What started out making tension in our home, usually ended up bring happiness.
There are so many great ideas in the comments! Like others, I have found that it helps tremendously if I can pray for the other person. If I can get my heart right, the words will follow.
A friend and mentor of mine taught me to phrase things in a SET when you need to deliver difficult feedback or solve a conflict . Sympathy, Empathy, Truth. And I find it very helpful.
Note: It all *must* be genuine.
Sympathy. “I am sorry you are feeling x.” I am sorry x happened.”
Empathy. “I feel x too sometimes.” “When x happened I felt x.”
Truth. “I need x right now. How can we get there from here?”
As in anything else it always takes two to be in a conflict. God showed me several years back to keep my mouth closed except to pray and watch Him work the situation out. It has proven to be the best work of patience to this day. And we know patience is a virtue.
Immediately bite my tongue and began to pray for God to control my tongue!
I have learned, instead of saying, “you did this to me,” to say something like, “I feel this way when you do that.” My fiancé and I have more productive fights when we are not pointing fingers at each other the whole time.
Oh gosh — I am one of those “conflict magnets”. The best resolution that I have – is to pray for the other person or the situation. GOD always opens my eyes!
Mine is to definitely stop and breathe before I speak. Stops me from reacting in anger or hurt.
The best tip we’ve used with our boys is when they’re fighting over a toy, we ask them, “Are you putting this toy first or your brother?” It puts it in perspective for everyone, even the one who was “wronged.”
I have learned to keep my mouth shut and pray before speaking… allowing the Holy Spirit to guide my thoughts and words… doesn’t always happen that way… but when I remember to pray first, things always work out!!!
Correction… I have not learned… I am learning!!!!
Conflict is something that never goes away. But prayer and forgiveness are always the best way to handle a tough situation
walk away, pray, and give it time. 20 minutes later, it might not seem like such a big issue, if it does then go to that person in a calm manner.
I have tried so many different approaches over the 9 years that my husband and I have been married. And no matter how many times I take a deep breath or count to ten or try to walk away(which just makes him more angry) I have found that if I just start praying and keep praying throughout the conversation it helps me to repond the way I should. It also seems to help how he responds to me as well. I have come to realize that all of these other approaches is me trying to handle the situation in my own power and that never turns out good:)
With God’s help, I’ve taught myself to have a pause button. No matter what happens, I hit pause, think, then resume so I can gather my thoughts. We have a no yelling rule in our home too and there has never been yelling in our home ever since dh and I got married. Choosing to hug my children no matter what they do rather than react by being upset helps. There may be consequences for their actions, but they get a hug or some show of love and affection first.
Let each other calm down before talking it out. It doesn’t have to be worked out in one sitting, sometimes that makes the situation worse.
Well, I must say, I find prayer to be the best one to keep myself from coming unglued. In my previous job, conflict seemed to be a constant and I could almost always feel a conflict arising. As I would sit there feeling that feeling–I would pray for God to help me maintain my calmness and give me peace. I, in my human self, failed at times to allow god to work within me in those times and I deeply regret that. Prayer changes things–and I truly would love to have allowed it to change many situations!!! My unglued now comes at home with 3 little ones. Many, many days I pray for God to work thru me in their lives and I pray for calmness in me when things are getting a little crazy. It can be so hard not to come unglued (and i need to be better at stayed glued together) when you are a Mom but God can work thru me in ways I can’t imagine!! Praise the Lord!!
I am the QUEEN of not saying things well. And he is the KING of not reading me well. We are both quiet in our private life and don’t express when we should. I have learned to say, I feel like ______ (you are upset, I have not said that well, there is tension between us…etc) and just break the ice and we talk things out. After a few years of toughing it out, I feel like I could talk ANYTHING out with that man. I continually share this approach with anyone the Lord leads my way.
We are all so prideful and it keeps us from taking the first step.
like most have said…pray and think before you speak. I am one who does not like conflict. I’m way more sensitive than I’d like to be so I’m looking for ways to overcome that at times. It has a positive side in that I think I’m also sensitive to others and thoughtful towards others. I’d love to win the Unglued giveaway!!!!
The best advice I have gotten was from the Bible 😀 Hold your tongue! Be respectful. Slow to anger. My list could go on and on. My husband and I disagree about a lot of things but I have noticed that if I just LET GO AND LET GOD WORK, that things work out to his will, because I obeyed his word.
Walking away is not the only thing for me…Learning to find a way to say what I feel and believe as well as listening to the other person…mosting learning when to simply be quiet…if not I may not hear GOD : )
I try to THINK and pray before saying anything. I ask myself these questions: T=Is what I’m about to say thoughtful?, H=Is it honest?, I= Is it intelligent?, N= Is it necessary? and K= Is it kind? These questions help me to think before saying something hurtful or just something I will regret to start an argument!
Realize that anger is often a combination of emotions, not just a single emotion. For example, when I am mad at my husband, I may actually be feeling hurt that he chose to do something other than spend time with me. Figuring out what you’re actually feeling can often help you work toward a solution.
If you cannot say anything nice, do not say anything AT ALL! Pray about it and WAIT for God’s guidance.
Tell the person that you need to step away for a minute and that you need to go pray.
I try to listen before I speak. And then when I speak I try to choose my words very carefully. Key word being try.
Walking away from the situation, praying and never raise my voice.
First I think that taking a time out to regroup and think things over rationally is very important. But I also think that listening to the other person is important as well. Everyone thinks and feels differently, and you need to know how the other person feels so you can see the whole picture.
I think the best was to listen and not say anything until your able to process what was said. Often times I react with the first words that pop into my head. They are usually words I would like to take back later after my brain absorbs what has happened or what was said. I think it is better to say, “Give me a minute.” Instead of yelling.
My mom’s advice rings in my ears…”people are more important than things.” The idea presents itself in so many ways, but when it comes to my kids, they know to resolve the squabbles, or the things will begin to disappear.
When it’s between my dh and I, we will listen and then tell the other person what we hear and talk it out. Sometimes we just have to pray until we get direction 🙂
Engaged and getting married in less than two months, your site (fb page) have been a HUGE inspiration to me to prepare to be my husbands helpmeet in every sense of the word. Although I’m sure the bulk of our conflicts are still yet to come, I have found that praying before reacting or responding is the best. “Lord, help me to see this situation clearly…help me to listen to what he/she says, share my thoughts and leave the result to you”. When I know that I am approching the situation with giving the Lord full control, I’m less likely to go by my feelings but be governed by the Spirit’s control.
Love the concept cannot wait to read the book! I often find that (Thank goodness!) God shuts my mouth during a confrontation, and allows me a moment to think, and pray that his words come out not mine! Praying that this morning while I go in for an interview!
Thanks for all you do to inspire us to a better relationship with God Courtney!
the best thing to do is not keep things from each other and talk things out.
Pray before going into a situation where I think there might be some conflict. Allow the Holy Spirit to guide my words. Remember: I have 2 ears and only 1 mouth so logically I should listen twice as much as I speak! Ask for forgiveness – knowing that taming the tongue is impossible.
My mom always told me to be kind to the person mistreating me or with whom I was in conflict with….it was like pouring heaping coals upon their head. Gotta admit, that in my younger years, I liked the thought of that…Now that I’m a little older I find that my sarcasm comes out in my “nice-ness” to the other person which reveals the motives of my heart, so it’s best that I pray for that person so that my stony heart will be removed and replaced with a heart of love for others.
I have to physically relax as in deep breaths and unclench (everything- fists, stomache… ) pray and listen to the other person.
Although it doesn’t always work, I try not to automatically react, but to listen and pray for the right words to use in response before speaking.
This is a toughy.bI know we must be careful as to what we say. I also know we must no go to bed angry. However, sometimes I need to take a few to cool down and make sure what comes out of my mouth will not tear someone down. Thanks for the chance to enter this great giveaway 😀
Stay calm, be slow to speak and long in listening and always, always view the other person through the eyes of Christ. With a full measure of grace and mercy, empathy and hearing them well just comes more easily.
Duck tape! I’m pretty sure if I would put duck tape over my mouth and be silent for a few minutes I would get myself in less trouble!!
Truly, my best strategy is to wait. Wait until I am calm, wait until I can think clearly. I have such a tendency to immediately react and then, ten minutes later, come up with a totally different perspective and answer. I need to learn to WAIT. :0)
Stop. Take a breath. Pray. and don’t over react!!!!!!
I took the book to church when I first received it….which was even before release date! and showed it around to some of my friends and asked, Do you ever come “Unglued”….people I thought had it, “altogether” said, Boy do I?….Also shared the information with a friend from another church……their Fall Ladies Bible Study? Yep! “Unglued” You really touched so many ladies with trhe writing of this book, Lisa!!!
Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger. – James 1:19 🙂 Easier said than done, but it ALWAYS works!
Keep it about the current conflict, and don’t bring up past conflicts that have already been resolved and should be forgiven.
Before responding, say a prayer and remember that God loves the other person as much as you.
Wow…that’s a toughie! I honestly think the best one that I”ve come across – and used successfully – is to repeat back what I think the other person is actually saying, to make sure I’m understanding them. Something like, “Ok, I just want to make sure I’m understanding you because this is important. It sounds like you’re saying, _______________. Is that right?” This gives them the chance to restate it if you’ve misunderstood or misheard. It also helps you look/listen past the heat of the discussion and tone of voice of the person to truly hear the heart of the issue.
The other thing, tied into the above, is to use “I feel” statements. “I feel like you’re resenting me for working so much, even though we need me to.” This keeps the blame off of the other person, and helps them not go on the defensive. You might feel like they are resenting you, when really they are upset at the fact that you HAVE to work so much, for example.
I pray about it. plus i keep telling myself to tame my tongue and take deep breaths.
Seems all has been touched on – but I try to step back and remove myself from the center of the situation. And PRAY for wisdom, love and understanding.
Honestly the best thing I do is just to SHUT UP! Lol Seriously, just hold your tongue and walk away.
Try to see them through Jesus’ eyes…it really changes your perspective and [usually] diffuses anger while providing you insight on the root of the conflict–this assists with finding a true and lasting solution, not just a resolution to one argument. Oh, and a whole lotta prayer to keep your lips zipped while the Lord is giving you that new perspective and insight! 🙂
James 1:19 is the first verse that comes to mind.
Understand my beloved brethren. Let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to take offense and to get angry.
Listen to what the other person is saying..making sure you understand the real issue (often not what the complaint is about)… Many times conflict is just someone needing to vent.
If you can’t reason with the person…drop it and walk away until the situation changes enough so the person will be ready to listen or accept advise. Thinking now of the verse about not throwing pearls before swine.
I need to work on not becoming “unglued”, that is why I need to read the book! I try to just stop and pause realizing that becoming unglued does not look nice and is not a godly reaction for my family to see.
Grace and lots of prayer. Ultimately I will have to stand before God and be accountable for MY behavior and actions.
Unfortunately, I’m not that great at conflict resolution. Lately, specifically when I’m with my in laws, I find that if we want to have a non eventful, peaceful Sunday dinner, I better not say anything. The problem is, this doesnt really fix anything. I bite my tongue, or make a small comment about everyone having their own opinions and then politely excuse myself from the room or go look for something else to do. The problem is, I’m not able to really be myself around them, and i dont think the underlying conflict is getting resolved, though it has helped with keeping the peace, so that is good 🙂
Take a deep breath and pause for a moment before I react so I have time to think!
I think remaining calm is very important but probably because that is totally opposite from how I usually react:0)
Sometimes I have to walk away in order for me to hold my tongue. I try to understand what caused the conflict and sometimes that means swallowing my pride and admitting it was my fault.
I have a friend who just recently suggested this to me. I had been telling her that lately I have been losing my cool so quickly with my children. She says she sends her child to a place to sit while she says a prayer, and then she can calmly deal with the situation. Sounds pretty good to me!
Taking lessons from a Marriage study we did, I ask… “This is what you said, but this is what I’m hearing.” We don’t always hear correctly what our spouses are saying and that can cause an even bigger conflict then what was orginally meant.
I would say to let each side have a time to say what they are trying to say without being interrupted and if it starts to get tense take a “time out” and come back to the situation/topic in 15 minutes or so. Prayer, compromise and love. These all are big helpers in resolving conflict.
When I find myself getting angry, I stop and let the other person know that “I love you and I want to be able to hear and understand what they are saying., but when I am this angry, I cannot hear you.” I then set a time to continue the discussion, 1/2 hour, 2 days from now, whatever. Then I spend time with God trying to figure out what my problem is. I find more often than not this removes my issue and then we can deal with whatever the real item of discussion was.
Best strategy I have is to think before speaking and pray, pray, pray!
Pray before you speak….
When dealing with a sassy child who seems to be looking for a fight of words…smile and walk away (praying as you go). Ask the Lord to fill you with His love His understanding and grace! Then when the time seems right go sit down and have a chat with this little one. Pull them close and remind them how much you love them even when they are sassy and that God loves them too but He has a better way. Talk about how He must feel when we get out of control. Then remind them He always forgives a repentant heart and that now would be a great time to go to Him in prayer.
I have to get out of the situation. I’m not confrontational at all. If I get in a confrontation, I tend to react without thinking!
I have to just walk away, and since I am a single mother and most of my conflict is with my tiny people, it usually means barricading myself in a room so I have a minute to breathe.
The best way to avoid a conflict is to research resolutions so that the conflict never happens. We have been married 11 years and have not had a fight. We found out each others love language and worked with that. It also works with your loved ones. We figured out that all of us are the same inside. We all want to be loved and appreciated, cared for and respected. Taking time to research and respect the value in the relationship makes such a difference in the value it holds.
I have come “unglued” a few times too many lately. 🙁 Reading scriptures and attempting to memorize them could be helpful if I would actually think of the verses before I yell. Before I even got out of bed I prayed this morning asking for calmness and patience. God can change this. God can keep me from coming “unglued”.
It sounds cliche, but saying a quick prayer before I respond!! Try it… it works!!! =)
Pray before I say!
I remind myself that I don’t know what they are personally dealing with and I try to approach the situation with grace and compassion. Sometimes people are at the end of their rope and we all deal with that differently. You might be the first person to offer them grace in a long time!
That’s a great thing to remember!! A few days back there was a “saying” on facebook…. “Don’t Judge… You don’t know what storm I have asked her to walk through. -God” …. Great things to always keep in mind!!!
My husband and I spoke to a Christian marriage counselor who told us to make sure that when we fight, no one raises their voice beyond a soft level. Even if we are upset and want to get out our frustration with each other, if we say it without raising our voice then it comes across less accusatory to the other person and allows them to think about what is really bothering you instead of putting them directly on the defensive. It’s not always easy to keep your voice at a soft level, but I’ve found that it really does help both people stay calm when voices aren’t raised.
My unglued times seem to always happen either with my husband (the most) or our daughter! At this old age, I am still learning when to walk away, zip my lips, or respond with a gentle answer!! Lately, rather than being “Unglued”, I’m practicing this comeback…”You may be right! I’ll have to think about that!” or “You’re right; I’m wrong! Will you forgive me?”
When I’ve blown it (been Unglued), I will later ask myself how did the conversation get so out of hand and what/how could I have said differently!
Take a time out. Cool off, think on Scripture, pray – and then remember to honor Christ as you re-visit the issue.
My husband and I have found it to be very helpful to sit down and have a small pillow we pass back and forth. If you don’t have the pillow you can not talk. It has allowed us to really listen to the other person and be slower to speak.
The best conflict resolution I have learned is that men and women are different. Not wrong just different. He sees things through blue sunglasses and I see them through pink. He hears things with blue hearing aids and I hear them with pink. So if there is a conflict I try to remember to make sure he is hearing what I am actually saying and vise versa.
After 29 years of marriage, I am finally learning to listen more than I talk. The best advice and the most difficult to follow is “Be still. And know that I am God.” The “being still” part is the hard part for me! But seriously, just keeping still, especially when I am angry is the best solution, by far!
PRAY, Pray, pray…and then pray about it again. LISTEN! And respond calmly.
I am a newly-wed, and my husband and I have already learned that if we have a conflict or something hurts us, it is best to discuss it at that moment, as opposed to bringing it up a week later.
I use to be the one that would run my mouth, and then walk away. I have learned it is better to hold your tongue and seek guidance from God. I now will step away and go immediately to God, praying and talking and seeking his will. Though we all feel as if we have been wrong, and we are so right, we need to keep asking “Is my behavior, my words, my actions Glorifying God.”
Sometimes its not easy, and there are times God listens as I vent.
I have found if I wait and think and pray about a situation that helps so much, instead of saying what I am thinking in the moment.
The best way I avoid conflict and resolve things is to step back and take a breath and maybe even eat some ice cream. Okay, not really eat some ice cream but I do try to step back, hit the cancel button on a text I was going to send, spend some time in my Bible or prayer and maybe even sleep on it before I go back to talking/addressing the situation. I know that the evil one is out to devour me and conflict is one way that he can do that and I am the Lord’s girl and I need to step back and not let the evil one control my reactions.
I take a shower. Usually when all the noise and chaos are getting to me at the end of the day and I start feeling a little bit snappy with the members of my family I will go take a shower and leave my husband in charge. It gives me a few moments to breathe and recharge for the rest of the evening. Many times that will cut off those unglued feelings in their tracks.
We can walk away and actually go for a walk when we get back we many times have new insight on the conflict. Walking releases happy endorphin’s that boost our mood and will allow for a more positive reaction and decision making.
Think before you talk.Walk away for couple minutes and pray to God to guide you to make a smart choice.Then sit down and let the other person talk first his feeling and then you talk and accept each other advise.
PRAY!
Conflict resolution for me means Talking it out immediately. The problem w/ my strategy is I have to be very careful of my words. In the heat of the moment it’s easy to b ugly.
Pray! Pray! Pray!! I have learned that when I feel an unglued moment creeping up within me, I MUST remember to begin praying! Not only for myself and my reactions and responses, but for the other person and for God to soften their heart and calm them with His peace. Turning my focus to God takes my mind and heart back to where it should always remain, on Him, and off of selfishness and my fleshly desires.
This giveaway is awesome and I am thankful to be entered into it!! Fingers crossed! 🙂
After 47 years I am still the conflict and hubby is the resolution. His ability to remain silent while I explode is unbelieveable. I am working daily to join him in that trait of patience and know that calmness is the key to any conflict. Thank you for clueing us in on Unglued. ;> MS
My husband is 10 and a half years sober! Our marriage took a beating before that. The best conflict resolution strategy that I learned to put into action was not arguing with a drunk. It was always so easy to do but he wouldn’t remember it anyway. I attended Alanon and learned to pray for my mouth to hold back. Things went a lot better when I recognized this!
A soft answer turns away wrath. It seems simple and a no brainer… but it really works…. The good ol’ “kill em with kindness”. Do you best to stay calm and talk gently…. When I find myself getting frustrated I do my best to start talking very softly… (I don’t always succeed! haha!)
In order to diffuse conflict, I use laughter! I try to listen carefully to the other side of things and then instead of letting my emotions take over, I try to think of a silly situation to place the argument in highlighting how much worse it could be. Usually starts with the words… At least… for example My son was upset with me about not being able to drive 3 hours to visit his long distance girlfriend. He’s a fairly new driver and we were concerned about the roads and traffic. He said to me, ” Isn’t it at 17 when you are considered an adult and can do whatever you want to!!” I stopped for a moment, picked up a pen and began to write. Then I handed him the note and said, “Sure! Why not! And since you’re an adult and all, here’s your bill for rent, electric, water, food, maid service and laundry service. After you pay all these, you can go anywhere you like! ” He just laughed and said that he wasn’t ready to be an adult! And accepted that we knew a little more than he did. Humor in a tense situation can be a tool to remove the emotion and allow each person to see the view point of the other.
The best thing that works for me is walking away & praying about it. Then,.try & look at the issue & locate the focus of it & go from there.
I TRY to stop and pray before I speak if I am really upset. It helps me from saying things that I would later regret.
I just love your program and enjoy all of the new and exciting information you share. Thank you so much. A friend once told me a great method for conflict resolution. When the conversation takes a turn in the wrong direction – try to redirect it it with a compliment or comment that changes the topic. An example is in the workplace, women in the office tend to gossip or complain – my friend suggested just blurting out – “What a lovely necklace”; “Is that a new blouse?”; “Have you been working out?”. It works – it really works. You turn the negative to a positive and totally change the path of the conversation. Wishing you a day of hugs and blessings. Monica
The best thing, as so many others have already said, is to pray. If it’s a conflict I know is coming, I take 5 minutes before to really pray about it, asking Him to help me act like He would and to humbly reveal my sins too, so they’ll be out of the way. If it’s a conflict that happens right before me with no advanced warning, I immediately have to think – “how would Jesus want me to handle this situation?” otherwise, my own anger gets in the way of being a reflection of Him. Oh, and remember angry voices do nothing that kind voices can’t do better.
Listen and then restate the problem so they know you are really listening.
The absolute best advice that I have been given is to
Never try to solve anything while angry. Walk away and give yourself time to think things through before you speak you mind! Always speak with love in your heart!
For me, I walk away,take a time out and check myself according to and with the Word! I found out that most of the time, my feelings,my emotions,my opinions cloud my judgement,which. Allowed the enemy to have a ball n my mind. I had to kick him out,and live the Word,speak the Word and bite my tongue alot! It still works to this day and my husband has responded favorably and have my children,all because I’m not following my flesh, I’m following Jesus!
I have found that it is better for me, in the heat of a conflict getting ready to happen, is to not say anything at that point. Then when I have calmed down, go to my husband and talk about it. (Assuming the conflict is with him, but that also works with my children). I also like to put it in writing if I know I am going to have trouble staying calm.
All about respect and not taking it personal, bite my tongue and think before reacting, sometimes that means going to another room for a few minutes to take a few breaths and say a quick prayer.
I must say I paused and didn´t want to think on this one. It is probably my hardest trial and weakest quality. I know deep down I am supose to stop and listen, I have seen too that if you can wait a few seconds to pray and reflect everything goes so much smoother, but I definately don´t do this often enough.
Something that a counsilor told me when I was young was that inorder to express how you feel, explain to the person that they made you feel a certain way instead of telling them what they did wrong. For example: ” when you did that it made me feel useless and like a little child” Instead of attacking the person and what they did.
well, I really look forward to reading this book. I am sure it will be a great help. I live in Spain so 8pm EST is very late for me, or early however you look at it, but I would love to hear the podcast too. –
Dani Joy
The best thing is to listen. Truly listen. Listen not only to what the other person is saying, but what they aren’t saying. Try to put myself in their shoes and then tell them I understand, repeat back in my own words what they are saying. If someone feels they are being heard, generally the conflict can be solved. If I am so mad that I can’t understand or want to understand, then I ask the Holy Spirit to interceded on my behalf. It’s hard, but worth it…
Remain calm, pray, and don’t yell.
When things are getting tense, I like to stop & say a prayer. Helps bring me back down to reasoning level. Also, I am trying to love as Jesus loved by showing kindness to even those who have hurt me. It is very hard to do sometimes, but I am trying. It’s important to me that my girls learn how unconditional His love was for everyone, not just those that are nice to us first.
When presented with a conflict I try to remind myself to see the situation through Christ’s eyes. Or to look at the big picture (which often takes the “big-ness” out of the situation) which helps me to not overreact. Sometimes I’ll take a break and revisit the situation later when I am more clearheaded and less emotional about it.
But even though I know these things help… I often forget to do them. I would love to win this giveaway! I need all the help I can get! 😉
You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. I think this verse has helped me, actually relying on God’s Word . I believe this is why it’s so important to memorize scripture because at times of conflict it can protect, guide and conquer. So in most conflict I’d say hush and watch your words see can when words are many… sin is not absent and remember the fruit of the spirit self control that’s the one for controlling my anger. 🙂
Think before you speak. And take a deep breath.
For me the best resolution stategy is to stop trying to be right and start trying to work our a compromise. I have been known to be a “right fighter” and I am working really hard on listening to what the other person(s) has to say before I make my statement. Take a moment to just listen and try to stop your mind from only thinking of what you want. Try to keep as much emotion out of the situation as possible. I have found that I get in more trouble when I emotional about the situation. Also, when it is your turn to make your statement, leave out accusations and just state clearly what has hurt you or what you need from the situation. It may not hurt to say a prayer or two!
In the middle of conflict I have to stop and pray about every word about to come out of my mouth. I focus on words that will not tear the other person down even if I do no feel like it, sometimes it may take awhile for me to be ready to talk, but spouting out what is on the tip of my tongue is not helpful!
Make sure you are really listening, not just waiting for your turn to speak
I’m trying to memorize scripture that I can quote in my head or out loud when I get frustrated and/ or angry!
I make my kids sit on the floor, cross legged and knee-to-knee and nose-to-nose. They cannot stand to do this, but I can visually see their anger at one another dissipate. Soon, we are all giggling and able to think more clearly and calmly and solve problems.
The best advice I have learned about how to deal with conflict/resolution is that it is OK for me to put myself in a “TIME OUT” (so I don’t react in an ungodly way saying things I can’t take back)! I go into “TIME OUT” quite often!! LOL ….and I still don’t always get it right. Love Unglued and that we have this support of one another!
Since watching last week’s Unglued webcast, I’ve been so convicted about the way I handle conflict. You see, my husband was diagnosed with OCD, panic disorder and depression early on in our marriage. We deal with a lot of emotions in our home (and we have 3 kids – whew!) To deal with all of that, to keep everyone even, I just “I’m fine” life away. Problem is that I eventually just lose it and then I feel so awful, like such a wife/mom failure. I want so badly to show my husband patience and compassion and love and understanding with his emotional struggles that I try to push away my frustrations of life, push away the angry when we have conflicts. I really thought that minimal arguments were a sign of handling conflict well.
I was SO stunned when Lysa called me out for using the “I’m fine”; that it’s a nice way to lie about how I’m feeling. I NEVER thought of it like that. I don’t want to lie to my husband, or anyone. I want to resolve conflict. I think this book is exactly what I need to deal with this pattern of (not) handling conflict. I’m hoping to find some wiggle room in the budget to buy “Unglued” in the next couple of weeks. Until then, I’m really excited to listen to the webcasts and read all of the godly counsel from these other women 🙂
Stop, pray and then listen to all sides and the pray and meditate. Then come to a solution to the conflict.
I’m a very easy going person that doesn’t get excited about much and if I do it’s usually shortlived. I feel that this is a gift God has given me!!! It has helped me to walk others through a crisis by helping them see good in others and all situations. So I guess my best conflict resolution strategy would be to always look for the best in others and all situations. God didn’t make us all the same so we don’t handle things the same, thats what make the world go around. God did however create us all in his image and I think it’s important to see that in all conflicts!!!
I have learned over the years that if you listen without emotions, jumping into an automatic defense mode that helps keep the conflict at bay and not in this hugh fight about something you think it is. Also I do agree with walking away before you say something you might regret but this needs to be a last resort. I have found in my life that if I walk away, afraid of what I might say, I never return to that issue and then it just builds on the inside.
When fighting with kids over a particular chore they don’t do, put up a big “STOP” sign with tags at the bottom to rip off. If they don’t do the chore, rip a tag off. At the end of the week, how many tags they have left is how much of a treat they receive…$ for an outting, TV time, etc.
To really listen to the other person, and try to see things from their perspective. Too often, I find myself analyzing what they are saying and trying to get a reply formed in my mind, instead of listening and trying to understand their point of view.
I try to remember the Breath Prayer. Breath in and as you breath out tell the Lord, “I can’t but YOU can”. Give HIM the control to help you respond to whatever the situation may be. Your reaction will be perfect EVERYTIME with HIS help.
Seek first to understand, before being understood. (short & simple).
My best conflict resolution strategy is asking lots of questions. Many conflicts are due to a misunderstanding or needing to understand some else’s point of view. Questions can open up discussions instead of close them!!
Honesty, bringing the real problem to the surface right away, instead of stepping around the problem because of not wanting to hurt your loved ones. I have struggled with this my entire life and I still can’t control it in my household, but with my siblings and dad, I have found just being honest breaks so many chains that are binding our prideful family.
Pray ..pray ..pray without ceasing..be still(quiet)and listen..keep focus on God…one thing that i say to the children is i didn’t wake up this morning to listen to an argument that ends their conflict right away..
In the heat of the moment, whatever the conflict is, grab the person’s hand and go to the floor on the knees! The shock of the act distracts the enemy and the prayer of the heart redirects the action. Whether the person is a believer or not, God has the last word!
Laura Coleman
My most honest and simple solution involves just 3 key elements.
1. Stop talking ! When its your turn use a very calm soft voice
2. Turn on your listening ears. Dont think about what you are going to say next, just listen.
3. Use ” I” statements rather than “You” statements, (i..e., I understand you are upset, please help me to understand more of why ….”
I really believe in most conflicts, the other person may just want heard and not really a solution. As women, we want to fix it all!
Stop and think. What have they been through today? Blessings
My husband and I use to bicker over the silliest things. It was usually a typical situation of me wanting to vent about the problems of the day and him trying to “fix” them with suggestions as to what I should have or could have done. He had good intentions but I would just get irritated.
He is much better at letting go and surrendering in an argument than I am (I’m working on this!) so he learned very early on to not try to “fix” my problems and instead listens to my rant and then says “It sounds like you had a bad day, I’m sorry. I love you.” and then gives me a big smile and a hug. It is always very sweet but now it is almost a little bit of a joke too because when he says those exact words I know that I am ranting. Now, after he says this to me I laugh (at myself) then we hug and give each other a kiss! I have the best guy!
I have a tendency to freak out over the little things, I am trying to resolve my problem, by just walking away for a second, and BREATHE. Think about what it is I am freaking out over, calm down, and is it worth to be freaking out over. It doesn’t always happen. I am trying to change though. I have also learned lately that if you cannot think of anything nice to come out of your mouth, it is best not to say anything at all. 🙂
Think before you speak.
My hubby and I just sit and talk things out. It’s just the two of us. The kids are not in our space as we are talking things out. This lessens the chance of more misunderstandings. We listen to what each other is saying, and we ask questions to make sure we understand the other person’s perspective. We don’t always agree, but we always resolve our problems quickly.
I used to “react” quickly….now I “try” to take a deep breath and pray before I open my mouth during a conflict situation. Sadly, I am not always successful:( Would love to win this giveaway!!
I give it to God as I know that the sense of peace and understanding will fill my heart. I have learned many years ago that God has protected me and brought me through conflict. The faith to know that I am protected and the actions I exhibit will be reflective of his love and peace, prevail.
When it comes to my husband: SHUT UP AND DUCK! Basically, I submit and let God deal with my husband. Of course, this needs to be done with the right spirit or it doesn’t count. 🙂 When it comes to my children: I GOT NOTHIN’!!! It’s kinda why I’m entering the contest. ;D
My best conflict resoluntion strategy is to stop, take a deep breath (or take 5 mintues to calm down), then listen, try to understand their point of view and then discuss a point of action on how to solve the problem /work together.
Most of the time I become unglued, is when someone or something gets into my personal space or against how I planned it out or want it, so telling me I am unreasonable helps, but I also improved a lot in just holding myself accountable for how I behave and what God thinks of it
Twice I have been confronted by strangers in parking lots. I don’t know why. Both times my children were in the car with me. What I wanted to do was come unglued and tell them what I thought. But knowing that my little girls were watching every move I made I stopped myself and let the other person get their frustration out. When they were done all I said was that I will pray for you and got in my car. I was fuming on the inside but I kept it in and the kids and I prayed for that person. If my kids weren’t there I would have come unglued but thankfully it was a teaching moment for all of us.
Be still ( just stop talking) and know that I am God! Only way to get through anything:)
I think one of the most important things to do is to address problems right away. When conflicts “simmer” it only makes people more upset. Pray and get to work fixing the problem before more crop up!
I try to remember not to take things personally. Before I got married, my mother gave me some good advice. She said, “Right now, do you think that he would do anything to purposely hurt you? No. Remember that feeling; if you get hurt, it is most likely not intentional. He probably didn’t realize it would hurt you. Don’t assume that he is intentionally trying to upset you or injure you.” Great advice!
DH and I have “State of our Union” talks on long-ish car trips (we take a few a year). Sometimes I’ll tell say, “So, let me tell you how you can be a better husband” (in a joking manner, of course). And there are ALWAYS “Friends” quotes that help break the tension. My parents used lines from “The Honeymooners” (my dad looks a LOT like Ralph Kramden!) and it kept them from fights lots of times. My advice? Lighten up!
The thing that works best for me is to take 5.
Also intentionally lowering my voice with my children
Helps keep me calmer and them as well.
Pray. Talk Calmly. State the problem in a kind way. Ask forgiveness when necessary. Don’t hold a grudge. We are working on putting this all together in the sticky, hairy, hard moments of life. 🙂
I always try to remember in any argumenative situation,to walk away and pray.For Our God is not the author of confusion.
Ephesians 4:32. Be ye kind one to another tender hearted and forgiving even as Christ forgave the church. The Bible tells us to be kind to each other but even if someone isn’t kind to you it is your job to forgive them.
When things get really tense and communication has started to break down a good group/family activity is “taking out the garbage”.
You hand out slips of paper and everyone writes down what they are afraid of or what they are thinking.
For this to work properly a ground rule is that none of these are accusations. Everyone must take responsibility for what they are feeling/thinking.
Then you mix up all the slips of paper and anonymously discuss all the issues in the “garbage”
this is where real problem solving can happen. 🙂
Ask “Well what do you think this person can do to stop feeling this way?”
“Is there anything you’d want to hear if you were thinking this?”
Then after everything has been discussed you find a way to “take out the garbage”
our favorite way has always been fire.
I find that if I take the first humble step, the other will respond positively. For instance, if I say, I am sorry I made you feel that way, I get a positive response instead of a negative. Instead of the putting up guards and walls for battle, being humble breaks down the walls for communication. Not always an easy task but very beneficial if you can follow through. There is power in reigning in the tongue!
The very best (and hardest sometimes) thing I have learned is keeping my mouth SHUT! :/ Sometimes it requires walking away and sometimes it comes across as having an attitude, but I’ve learned particularly with my husband, the things he says in times of conflict are USUALLY true and just hit a nerve because they are things I’m aware of and have been working on. Often I have to fight the urge to retaliate with “oh like you’ve never done that?” or “what about when you did this?” Occassionally, I lose this fight with myself and we have an all out “knock down, drag out”. :/
I would love to own this book and the other materials and goodies! I am definitely the wall building “stuffer” and would LOVE help recovering to live a fuller life.
Love reading all the great strategies! Adding my 2 cents worth . . . try to remain calm and then speak my thoughts & concerns when I’m not upset.
Thanks for the chance to enter your give-away!
Think before you speak. Is it TRUE, is it HELPFUL, is it INSPIRING, is it NECESSARY, is it KIND.
Communication is key – not putting my thoughts/words/assumptions on the other person without hearing what they have to say.
A work in progress but mine is – Breathe… just breathe
Before responding or reacting in an instant take a deep breath and pause Is it worth what I am about to say/do.
For me letter writing has been working with a friend to try to resolve on ongoing conflict. We are both able to express our feelings better in writing.
My husband and I have ever hardly have any conflict. By God’s grace we have one heart and one way. If we do have some form of disagreement we talk. And we have agreed to resolve anything before we go to bed. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold (Eph 4:26-27).
Thank you for a fun giveaway! Love you site!
I love what Lysa suggested in her first webcast and that is saying the name of Jesus out loud. As a mom of a 2 year old I can become unglued quickly and this has really been helpful this week. I have also been memorizing scripture verses such as Psalm 19:14 “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Well, I always take a deep breath. It gives me time to pause AND oxygen to my brain (which I really need to think clearly). I usually smile (and/or laugh…which I do A LOT when I am mad or nervous). I try to think about what to say before I say it. Most times, it takes me so long to think of how to say what I want to say, the moment has passed and I just shake it off and move on. Mostly, I need help dealing with the moments I come UNGLUED with my children. I used to have much more patience. I don’t want to be a “no-mom.” I also don’t like to be a “yeller.” I love my children and I always try to breath and think about why they are doing what they are doing….without coming UNGLUED!!!!!!!
Take time to really listen. Take time to pray. If there are hard feelings, do something nice for the other person and pray for him/her. Hard to stay mad at someone you are praying for!!
First I have To make sure I look within myself and find where I am at fault in the situation. Very hard in the unglued state because usually when I am in conflict with others it’s because I’m in conflict within my self.
I try to talk it out and find the common ground. There is always something you can agree on, even if you have to take it up a few notches to find it. If I think we should have vines in the front flower bed and my hubby doesn’t, we can agree that we both want the front of the house to look good and be easy to maintain. Then we can go from there.
Doesn’t work in all situations…but many times thinking hard about what you want to say–especially overnight–has been beneficial to me. So many times, I waited–and the conflict took a twist and had I said what I wanted to in the beginning, it would have caused a bigger problem. Many times, the conflict works itself out!
When I am in a conflict with someone it has usually started in my heart. I try to combat that by praying for that person and then extending love and kindness. It is hard to let that conflict turn into a full fledged attack of bitterness when I alkali myself to bless them. Sometimes its a home ccooked meal or just offering to go to the store for said person. Ive seen it works wonders…in fact I’m now close friends with a gal that at one time was like a burr inmy saddle!
I have learned to listen to the entire story before reacting. But most importantly I have to pray before reacting. I have reacted in some really immature ways because I did not go and pray about the situation first. I need to let God give me the direction and sometimes it is so hard to remember to do so.
The best conflict resolution strategy I use is to pause the situation, walk away for a moment, and take time to think. It has done wonders for the way I communicate during a conflict situation. You can’t take back what you say in the heat of the moment, but you can always take a few moments away from the conversation to compose your thoughts and react rationally.
Some tools I try to remember to use: a) ACTIVE listening – which includes NOT formulating a response in my head while the other person is talking! b) Asking LOTS of questions – not assuming I know all the answers, all the why’s! c)Being quick to apologize and seek forgiveness when I DO come unglued!
I always pray about conflicts. They usually work themselves out before I even have to have a confrontation. If not stop and listen. Count to ten and say Jesus help me.
The best thing that’s worked for me, but I am still a work in progress, has been learning how much my anger affects my kids mentally. I’ve been educating myself on anger more and I realized that this is a behavior my kids pick up on, duh! But, for me I started seeing my 4 year old yell at my 2 year old and I realized she’s not an angry little girl, she’s just learning that this is how you deal with things! Made me sad, and made me change!
Not sure if you call this conflict resolution but one of my favorite ways to deal with conflict is remember to “pick my battles”. I know not to get riled up about certain things that are not important or critical. Especially if it upsets the harmony in our home. This is especially important with a child but equally important in my marriage relationship.
I try to put myself in the other person’s shoes.
A friend shared with me this and it has helped so much when I remember to apply it! Before I speak I need to think: is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it truthful? It must pass the test before I can say it. Meaning it must be all 3…if it is truthful but is not kind or necessary I must not say it!
Best strategy is to go to a room and pray by your self, collect yourself…
Dying to the flesh and praying and not saying what you really want to say or react how you really want to react. Also saying i am not arguing with you. That is my husbands conflict resolution when it is a no win situation he will just say you are right and i am not arguing with you about it. Not to be of course LOL that is how he dealt with our son who loves to argue and will argue to the end whether he is right or not.
Stop and pray before speaking. Sometimes I find it better to wait and when things are calm or even not calm but perhaps the next day after spending time in prayer, we sit down on the sofa and talk. I have found my husband will really talk when we do this and I find usually neither of us were really understanding what the other one meant. I thought one thing, he thought another so we were both upset over nothing.
Zip it! That’s my problem. I need to learn to take a minute and listen, catch my thoughts and calm down before I say a word!!
Humble yourself and say you are sorry first. Sometimes it’s just that easy to soften someone’s heart.
Oh, I so struggle with this, especially with my teenage daughter. I am finding that most often what works best for me is to not take her comments personally, listen, calmly respond (instead of reacting), and above all….PRAY!! Can’t wait to read Unglued!!
Luke 6:27 says to love our enemies. Conflict is not always with a down and out enemy, but in the moment the devil can take over a situation and your family or closest friend can seem like an enemy for that moment. I am not very good at this, because it is really hard to do sometimes, but when I do follow thru it always works out for the best. When I find my self in a major conflict with someone at work or a family member, I will do something really nice for them. It has to be something that is out of my comfort zone. For a co-worker that I am having trouble with, maybe I look for something good and take them to lunch and tell them about the one thing that I see they are doing really well. Do one nice thing that you really don’t want to do. Nothing works with out a lot of prayer along the way. I speak from experience, it works.
I have found that the best resolution is to take a few minutes to clear the steam and gather my thoughts then to use “I feel” statements. I feel heard when I am saying how it affects me and my feelings on things rather than attacking the other person. It shows that I am vulnerable and emotional instead of angry and blaming.
My husband has taught me so much about dealing with conflict.
~ that the words you speak can never be taken back. There is no magic eraser that wipes them clear from a persons memory, no matter how untrue they are or how sorry you may be.
~To treat your spouse as you would a stranger. You would never be quick to yell at a random person if you disagreed with them. You would be calm and polite and with the same (if not more) respect than you would someone you don’t even know.
~Yelling, bad words, and demanding your way show a persons age and intelligence. Young children handle their emotions in these ways, because they have not developed maturity. When you yell and curse, you are expressing a lack of intelligence, especially if you are using words with no more than four letters.
~You will always “come out on top” of an argument when you are calm and the other person is irate. ~When you have been yelled at and have managed to retain dignity and grace, you have shown your character.
~Always say “It’s ok” if a person says they are sorry. My husband always grants me no strings attached forgiveness. That’s all he ever says; no punishment, no lecture, no “look”, no anything. Just “It’s ok”
Agree to disagree is what has proved a winner for me in many situations.
Great give away, I could sure use a new purse. Thank you for the opportunity to win this great purse and the contents. I would love to do a small bible study in my home and this material would be awesome.
for me, it is to stop and think before I speak. I tend to react without thinking, and then will regret my actions, because I know I could have handle the situation differently. Keeping it honest here.
I just have to process things silently before I react. Of course, my reaction depends on the situation.
Respond not react. I am still praying for this to be consistant in my life! He is still working on me.
Give grace and take the time to see the other persons point of view
Matthew 18 is where I always start. Go to the person and talk to them about the problem! Don’t avoid it and hope it will resolve on it’s own.
My best resolution… walk away… because if I stay in a situation, my ‘Italian” or “Jersey Shore” side comes out & its never pretty… I need to walk away & breath…
Don’t go to bed angry! Those nights that my hubby and I don’t listen to that advice, neither of us sleep well and we are still angry the next morning instead of being rested and ready for the new day. Deal with it and find resolution before going to bed. Great advice!
When I was really hurt by a family member, I changed my prayers asking the Lord to bless them instead of cursing them. It really changed my heart and I was able to forgive them in a way that I never thought possible and then there was healing in the relationship. At first I was just being obedient. But as I kept praying my heart did change.
My husband and I try to respond To each other rather than just react. “when you…..it made me feel unloved” or “when you …it made me feel disrespected.” amazing how much quicker we can resolve issues and with very little hurt feelings!!
Step away. Move to a quiet place & be still with God. Reflect on the true source of the conflict and pray that God will give me kind peaceful words, honest rebutal and forgiveness. Then, choose God’s resolution NOT MINE. Hard to do sometimes, but He is always right on…I am not. Always continue to pray for my actions & words and for the others involved.
If the conflict is with my children I think it is helpful to share with them my reflection time with God, as an example of how they too can seek Him when they are in need of some conflict resolution.
18 years of marriage, 4 children who have been home schooled for the past 9 years, 7 of the 18 spent as the wife of a sr. pastor….conflict resolution…WOW! I have learned that I have 2 ears and one mouth so that I can truly listen twice as much as I speak. I know we have all heard that saying, but applying it makes all the difference…developing a heart to learn or understand what my part is in the conflict…what have I done to offend or hit a nerve…and then genuinely communicating my sorrow at any pain inflicted…that can only happen when I listen, whether it’s to my husband or my kids or a friend…listen…and choose my word carefully”A gentle answer deflects anger,but harsh words make tempers flare.” Proverbs 15:1
If it is immediate and present conflict I try to put myself in the other persons place. What are they feeling? Why are they reacting this way? Often it is interpretation from both standpoints and a minunderstanding. If the conflict/difference is ongoing…pray, pray, pray and seek God’s Word.
When my daughter turned two she would get so wound up in her emotions she could not be reasoned with. So I started making her stop and take three deep breaths (sometimes more if needed) to calm down. Once she could get out of the immediate frantic state we would talk about what had her upset. Now that she is four we both do this and somedays even take time to get on our knees and ask God for his guidance because we are to wrapped up in feelings to see his direction. This has saved us a lot of back and forth. Although there are times we do not remember to take this time out but together we are learning. I have also implemented that if she argues with her cousin (both are 4) they have to hold hands and look each other in the eye and tell one thing they like about each other then hug. I have even started doing this with her if I loose my temper with her.
I have learned to say…what I hear you saying…then repeat it back. Sometimes what I hear ISN’T what is being said…or is not coming across the way it’s meant. If not, the other person has a chance to restate what they are saying. I may not still agree…but at least we both are on the same page.
I have trouble with resolution. I can’t seem to become a master of it. However, My BF who has 5 children has become a master . When there is a conflict between children she makes them spend more time together. They must do chores together, cook , their laundry. And, they must do it with cheerfulness, and love. By the time they have spent they day together whatever the issue was has seemed to have gone the way of the dinosaurs. If it hasn’t resolved itself then another day (s) is required. I think that it is the love the children have for each other that makes the problem a non issue when forced to be together.
Being a listener first, before you respond or give any advice,even if it means taking some time to think about what has been said will usually lead to some good resolution.
(FYI – I am in dire need of that there yellow purse. And, also, we are looking for a study to do soon!!!)
Conflict resolution … hmmmmm … Hubby and I started a notebook early in our marriage (we have had a few now!!!) If we have something hard that needs to be said we write it out – easier to be conscious of your words in writing. Then we READ it to the other so it comes across as we intend and with love. This has stopped MANY a battle before it’s even begun!
Recognize the fact that everyone has their own point of view. Just because they don’t agree with you doesn’t make it wrong.
They have an entirely different set of life experiences and that has a very strong influence on how they react. Even if you were sibs, growing up in the same house, your temperament influences your perception of every incident.
For me it is definitley stop to listen thoroughly, then process, make sure I understood and finally think before I react or answer, it makes a world of a difference for all involved!
Love them like Jesus. And admit my OWN faults, not theirs.
I’m still learning to just “shut up and pray.” I don’t always have to have the last word.
A family was outshopping when theyoung child became upset. He threw himself on the ground and had aterrible temper tantrum. The mother tried to calm him, but was unsuccessful. Then out if the blue, dad threw himself on the ground mimicking the child, whi stopped to watch what his dad was doing and began laughing. The tempertantrum ended, and the family continued shopping.
I’ve learned that whether I’m dealing with my husband or children if I can feel myself getting angry I close my eyes count to 5 or 10 and ask God for patience because I don’t want my emotions to cause me to react with anger but rather I handle the situation with love.
One thing I always think of when I am faced with a “nasty” person, is Romans Chapter 12:20. It says,
But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink.for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head!!
Your blog means so much to me! Thank you!!!!
Listen, ask questions, make sure you understand… then prefer one another… especially your husband…in love… if I don’t have the right attitude still make the outside look right while desperatly calling for God’s help to make the inside right too:-)
I had a situation awhile back in which the person confronted me with something they felt they were right about and I just kept silent and let them speak. I then quietly said my peace and it was over. I think they were looking to argue, but I couldn’t. Be slow to speak and slow to anger. Unfortunately I don’t always have situations end this nicely. I know I’m a work in progress.
Praying for the person and yourself. It’s amazing what God will show you when you take the time to pray over it instead of just dwell on it.
Act…don’t react!!
One thing that comes to mind, Is to stop before I say somthing that is hurtful to my husband.
It is better to say nothing than to hurt others.
Just because I am “right” does not mean the other person is “wrong.” There does not always have to be a winner in an argument or discussion. It is ok to let someone have an opinion that is different. It does not make you right or wrong for considering another point of view.
I think trying to put yourself in the other person’s shoes is a key when trying to resolve a conflict. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own needs and wants we are blind to what the other person’s needs. My husband and I don’t fight, honestly we don’t. Do we get upset with one another, sure. But we always try to see where the one is coming from and put ourselves in that scenario. He knows I think with my heart. I know he is very rational. Total opposites! But since we have that knowledge and can see situations from each others point of view we can resolve things a lot easier.
Oh, my, how I would love to win this giveaway, and give it to my sister. Hard circumstances tried to tear her apart, but she did not come unglued! In the midst of escalating conflict, she maintained the high road and did not return evil for evil.
Personally, one of the most successful conflict resolution habits I’ve implemented while raising 7 children, is to diffuse a situation with a gentle answer. Quite often, I used some helpful phrases I read in a book by John Rosemond–Nevertheless, Even so. Nevertheless, it is your bedtime. Even so, it is time to feed the dog.
Viewing all of life as training opportunities helps me remember to not react ;-), but to train.
Still trying to work on this myself but learning less of me and more of Him. Before things get heated, walk away, put myself in a *time out* and pray about it first.
My 5 year old is just like me… which means everything needs a reason why before she’ll do it. Even basics that happen every day. By 6pm, I’ve had enough! The best I can do is go for a walk around the building. Just seeing green things and having free air to breathe helps me collect myself and remember that we are a team, working for the same thing. That I am her role model, and as I cope, so will she in a few years time. God is good and helping us grow into who he will have, perfect in his Heaven.
One thing that has helped my husband and I is to rephrase what the other person is saying to make sure we are hearing them. Often what is said and what is heard are two totally different things.
Being a homeschooling mom is hard. Recently, my precious daughter was frustrated with a lesson and because she was so “unglued” she could not hear me. We both walked away and I took a shower and she moved on to something else. After the shower and much praying on my part, we came back together and worked out the problem with the lesson. Walking away and pausing to pray helped us both get back on track.
It depends on the person or group of people on how I handle things. My husband and adults I usually walk away or get quiet and take time to consider the situation before reacting. With my children it is different and this where I really need to work on. I will either yell (which is something I am working on stopping, but trying to use a calm strong voice) or give myself a mommy time out. I will let the kids know that we will talkk about the situation when I am ready. So yes I am often the crazy lady seen walking around the yard giving myself time to cool.
I try to remember, before I even open my mouth, that if harsh words come out, the battle is lost, the moment is lost, to the enemy. How many moments, hours, days, am I going to give over to conflict….how many moments to peace? Sometimes I sense irritation in my husband or children, they want recognition, someone to listen to their fear or gripe. I can do that! It communicates compassion, respect and love, the very things I crave. And when I give it, my goodness, I receive it back tenfold, from our Father in heaven, but also from by family. I’m not saying it is easy, and I still have ugly moments, (forgive me Jesus), but working toward victory is so much better than giving up!
Learning & still learning to keep my personal opions to my self unless I’m asked. Standing back and letting God take care of my adult children’s situations, letting them learn to trust in God not Mom and Dad. Hard to do because you want the best for them, you want their lives to be better, easier than yours was. But thanks to God and His saving grace, I am truly blessed with wonderful godly children.
i have an unmarried daughter with a little girl. she is learning the hard way about how anger is keeping the baby’s father from wanting to be around my daughter. she blames him for her anger and bad reactions but it’s simply self control and learning when to keep your mouth shut. it would be great to give her this book but i don’t have access to a live webcast to find out who the winner will be. i think i just may have to buy the book and send it to her. please keep her in your prayers as she may end up losing her daughter due to her anger issues. thanks.
I’m the kind of person that needs time and space, typically. My husband doesn’t love this, but when I do get to walk away, hide out in our bedroom for a few minutes, and then emerge with a calmer spirit, we’re much better off!
The best advice I’ve heard when you’re tempted to raise your voice when losing patience with your children, is to whisper! That way you are getting their attention and they are forced to REALLY listen to what you are saying!
I stop and take a deep breath and then pray. I find that taking it to God calms me down and helps me see things from a different perspective.
When they try to get even with each other I tell them to recite the verse that they have memorized “vengeance is mine I will repay says the Lord. Dearly beloved avenge not yourselves. But overcome evil with good.”
Listen first then speak. Never make assumptions.
I have learned to respond not react …and that I usually need to do that when both parties are calmer. Especially with one of my sons. Rather than go around and around about an issue I say, “I am not going to discuss this right now. I will talk to you later.” Then there is nothing left for him to say. I just don’t engage. Later when we are both calmer it goes much better.
Listen and don’t lose your temper.
Don’t speak until you’ve prayed.
Once the words are out of your mouth they can’t be taken back.
A lot of conflict can be made worse by spewing our madness out our mouths.
Be calm, pray and proceed with caution.
Tasha
A few times in the middle of conflict, I have suddenly remembered that the other person was once a little child utterly loved by her parents. Children are so loveable, and we can easily overlook their flaws. Then, I try to remind myself that even as an adult, that person is still a child of God, and He loves even greater than earthly parents ever could. How can I be in conflict with one of God’s beloved children?
Conflict Resolution = My Biggest Problem Area! Yes, I admit it!! I have an extremely short fuse! But, since I gave my life to Christ he has began to remold & repair my problem areas. A few key points help me when my eyes start rolling, my hands shaking & I am one step from coming UNGLUED!
A) REMEMBER who the actual engineer of Conflict is, SATAN! So you are not fighting your husband, your friend etc, So with this thought, we are GOD”s children, we are POWERFUL & can defeat Satan!
B) As we are humans, our knowledge is incomplete & imperfect so even sinless people in a perfect world will see the same situation differently through their own knowledge & perspectives.
C)As Christians we knowingly enter into, we initiate conflict with evil whenever we proclaim the gospel, preach holiness, protest against sin in our society, or testify to Christ in the midst of a world that DOES NOT want to change.
These factors give a result of 3 stages (THAT I LOVE!!!) of Conflict Resolution!
1. PRAY! Gain God’s perspective on the conflict!
2. REMEMBER! God is BIGGER than ANY problem!
3. ACT! Act in the “opposite spirit” (Such as treat a stingy person generously, return Love for Hatred)
Finally, be realistic. While we live in this “world” conflict is here to stay & we must learn to manage it in a Christian “Kingdom way” until Christ returns to take us home to heaven where there will be no more crying or sickness or pain!
Instead of yelling, whisper, the kids are so shocked they stop what they are doing to listen!
I bite my tongue – if needed. And try to think if the conflict is really worth it. Most of the time – IF I can think clearly – the conflict is certainly not worth the effort and or consequences.
Thanks for this opportunity 🙂
Picking and choosing your battles. Pray for direction and simply walk away before it gets to a place that is hard to come out of.
The most interesting conflict resolution I was ever told about was from my sister. She told me that their marriage counselor told them to take off their clothes and then continue their discussion. She said it worked because it was hard to be angry or say hurtful things when you were so vulnerable.
What actually happens for me is I try to walk away and find a quiet place to think and pray. God usually brings my shortcomings to the front of my mind and makes it possible for me to apologize and continue a conversation with an open mind and heart.
I have struggled with biting my tongue my entire life. It takes a daily effort to control it when i am hurt/mad. The best way for me handle anger is to walk away and go write out what I would “say” to that person. It is very therapeutic to write it out. I end up throwing it away and i have not caused any damage to the relationship with my sharp tongue.
I have learned to stop my own mind from its natural tendency to formulate a response during the conversation. I try to listen to every detail, everything that my opponent is saying, search my mind for Biblical responses, and to not strong-arm the situation just so I can be right, be the winner of the argument.
In conflicts, we may not always agree, and that is alright. But as a Christian, the one thing I can do in a situation of conflict is to pray for my aggressor/opponent. And that is the best conflict resolution there is when the Father reconciles the situation!
O my goodness! so many comments! Every women wants a new purse, I guess! For me and my husband, we often just have to step back, walk away and cool off. Then we can come back to the issue later when we are not angry and have had time to think and pray about it, therefor we are responding, not reacting emotionally. The book sounds great- I would love to win it! And all the other fun stuff!
I have a difficult time adjusting to kids. I love my step kids, but because we don’t have them 100% of the time, we all go through an adjustment period… I’ve found that if I can remember to respond softly, it makes them stop and listen because otherwise they can’t hear me.
Being a true hothead. I have struggled with this for years, i am the screamer, the arguer. I still get very very angry over dumb things but I have become much better in how I deal with that anger. My greatest conflict resolver that I have been using is to immediately start praying for whoever or whatever is upsetting me and thanking Jesus for the situation so that I once again have the opportunity to give Him praise. I thank Jesus and ask Him to bless the (antagonist). Example : DH comes home from work and tracks him work boots across the carpets which are light colored Berber. Instead of being really mad that I want to holler at him I begin to pray. ” Thank you Jesus, that DH has a job to go to. Thank you Jesus that my DH is a hard working man that gets up each and every day for his family. Thank you Jesus that DH is healthy enough to go to work everyday. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to pray instead of getting angry.” I feel that this is what God meant when He told us to pray without ceasing, every opportunity that we come across in life affords us the opportunity to pray, but very, very few of us take that opportunity and do it. I myself don’t always do it But I am reaching that goal closer each and everyday!! In Christ’s Service, Faith R.
You know, I would haven’t deal with conflict if everyone would just do what I tell them! Seriously, though, I always try to think, “is this going to affect me a year from now?” Life does go on. If its not something that is going to affect me badly down the road, it may not be something worth getting worked up over. If I’m still thinking about it a few days from now, I may need to address it and then I can calmly. I’m not saying I follow my own advice all the time, but we have to shoot for something!
When conflict comes…stop…pray…listen. You will be able to handle the situation with God’s help.
A good friend of mine flashes her chest to her husband… they giggle… and then can talk things out calmly. The funny thing is that her husband has flashed his chest to her during an argument and she says the laughter is uncontrollable!
It all depends on who I’m with. With my kids I usually yell, my husband walk away and at work avoid conflict as much as possible! I have a friend who has said the best strategy she has heard of is to say something kind or positive about the situation as that usually defuses negativity.
To stop and not speak or think before I speak
There are so many ways! Choosing your battles is probably the best. Sometimes you have to really think whether or not it’s something worth fighting for. I do this with my kids and my husband. If he leaves a dish out, is it really that important? No, not to me. If you can’t get past it, then you need to listen to each other and talk calmly. Don’t verbally attack the other person by bringing up unnecessary or old things.
Practicing active listening and active speaking. Communication is so important!
Listening and then repeating back (kindly!) what the other person said. Often I find I misunderstand what was said in the first place so the conflict would not have happened if I had clarified first!
I Smile….its an act of faith. Emotions are fickle. Choosing joy, choosin your course,despite, always lends itself to a blessed outcome.
I have learnt that when there is someone that is always trying to start something up, just do not get on their level. Always remember that the LORD said we are to FLY AS THE EAGLES. Eagles soar above the bad storms and that is something I try to always remember. GOD is our Wind beneath our wings to help us soar.
My mom taught me one of my favorite ways to resolve conflict between siblings. She would make us sit “criss, cross, applesauce”, facing each other, with our knees touching. We had to look each other in the eye and tell each other a positive compliment or something we were thankful for in regards to each other. Coming from a family of gigglers, we were usually giggling and loving each other again in just a couple of minutes!
The best conflict resolution statement I have ever heard is designed to end an argument with your child. To end the argument you simply say “The time I have with you is so precious that I don’t want to spend it arguing with you. I love you so much would you please do what I have asked of you.”
My husband and I have an “open and honest” policy that generally keeps us from having much conflict. We try to talk about the conflict as it happens instead of letting many conflicts build up and then explode. Sometimes open and honest brings out a conflict that the other wasn’ even aware of and we have to work thru that, not always an easy task but again not letting things build up and not bringing up things from the past seems to be our best plan of action.
First off, what a great giveaway, I would love to host an Unglued Study at my home, I myself struggle with becoming “unglued” as Lysa calls it so many times for the wrong reasons, probably mostly what hurt, pain or even self conviction that is in my own heart and I find myself taking it out on others.
Some things I am trying to implement myself when I might start to become unglued are focusing on the fruits of the spirt! Praying, giving myself a “time-out” to cool off to think about the actual situation, the effects my behavior has on my husband, kids, friends, and to ask the Lord for guidance on how to handle the situation better.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Let us not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another.”
Over the years I have learned (and I’m STILL LEARNING!) to keep my mouth shut.
It helps in many ways….
I am not speaking before I know the whole story.
I am not saying something that I will regret.
When my mouth isn’t running, I can stop and LISTEN to what God is telling me.
Stop. Think long and hard before responding. Then respond with grace, if necessary. This is totally not a natural response for me, but it really works when conflicts come up!
I always say… ” You are only responsible for your response.”
SO with that I pray for wisdom and Understanding.
Listen with my heart putting myself in there shoes.
Then I respond (NOT IN kind if they are angry) but with as calm and loving tone as possible.
(granted this is the goal not always the norm… due to my sin nature.) :-/
Proverbs 15:1 A kind word turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs anger….this is SO true . I learned from a friend who gave me a talking stick. A small stick with a knob or ball on each end. When you are talking, you hold the stick and the other person is quietly listening. Then, you pass the stick and return the behavior. Great teaching tool! It all comes down to CAUSE and Effect but that is a hard lesson to learn. Remember: In Happy times…Praise God, In Difficult times…Seek God, ….In Painful times, Trust God….IN Every time, PRAY to God! PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!
My only conflict resolution plan is PRAY PRAY PRAY!!!
When I’m feeling stressed and need to get away, I scrapbook! The quiet time is fabulous and it takes my mind off of the issue.
I will be leading an Unglued small group from September 18-October 23rd and we will be going to see Lysa live in Pella, IA to wrap up our study! Yay for learning to control our raw emotions! 🙂
God has placed me in a conflict issue for the last 6+ years and in the last year has started to really show and take me out of the storm. This is related to my daughter who I haven’t seen in 6 years and who was very much in satan’s world. As the years went on of hurt, pain, sadness, depression and anger God gave me one verse that till this day I use more than ever in conflicts and that is BE STILL and know that I AM LORD Psalms 46:10. Number one “BE STILL” there would be times she would call and I knew it was to a be explosive situation I would not pick-up the phone. If I could not talk or deal with the situation out of love I would “BE Still” and wait till God showed me the right time or gave me the strength to have a small portion of His heart. Then secondly “AM LORD” just a reconfirmation that He has my back and is in total control of this and all my situations so don’t panic/worry. God is way capable to handle my little problem. So to me this has help me more than ever and something I still use pretty much every day of my life now. Praise report – God is healing my daughters and I relationship and God will renew it. In fact will see her in Oct. and will be a Grandmother in Feb. Through this God has allow me to share my experience and help others that have or are going through the same thing. GOD IS GOOD & uses ALLfor His Good!!! I am very blessed. We go thru trials to learn, grow, change and use to be testimony don’t be a shamed go help other. LOVE all my Sister N Brother in CHRIST!!
Just try to remind myself what Jesus did for me and that I only want to love like He loved me.
Praying, pausing, thinking before I speak, all work when I let them.
When my husband and I argue, we stop as soon as we realize there is tension. We take 5 to calm down and pray and remember what’s important (our love). Then we hug, remind each other of our love and then we are able to sit down and talk calmly about the issue at hand.
Best Conflict Resolution I’ve heard was at a marriage retreat…when you can’t figure it out & emotions are running rampant- take your clothes off in front of your spouse. (: Hahaha!
LOVE this blog & all the encouragement!!
~Hollie
Pray by myself if God leads me to confront then pray with the person and then speak the truth IN LOVE 🙂
I have found the best conflict resolution is to 1) calm down and go off and pray and read my bible 2)listen to what God is telling me to do and doing it and submitting even if I don’t like or feel like doing what he’s guiding me to do, like apologing first or forgiving even if I don’t feel it in my heart 3) trust the outcome to him and do not try to fix it myself and when I totally let him have it he surpasses all my expectations and restores and provides peace if no restoration is possible. not easy but effective and sometimes repeating these steps each time triggers happen to resurface the conflict.
When a conflict arises in my life, even though it’s very hard not to react haphazardly, I just try to just take a breath, ask God to direct my actions & my responses, & then try to calmly talk the problem through. Compromise can also be a great and helpful tool!
Think of others before myself…it usually all boils down to my selfishness…I need to love like Christ.
Not saying a word immediately. Biting my tongue and asking God for wisdom.
Life has many obstacles, many temptations; however, all we need to have is our hearts full of love and kindness towards our sisters and brothers. Even on the most difficult times always reach out a helping hand. I never think of something being a conflict; instead, i think of it as a challenge.
I quote the scripture love never fails. No matter how big of a fight or argument my husband and I get into, it’s usually through email during the day that we communicate. No matter what is said sometimes I just reply back I love you. It may take a time or two, but it always melts and conquers that hard heart of his! 🙂
Best conflict resolution….call a “family meeting,” sit down and talk things through. Hear what your spouse is saying, say how you feel and come to an agreement, even if that means you “don’t win..” Then don’t have a bad mood about it.
The best advice that I have, that has worked for me, is to walk away and pray. I ask God to help me see where I have sinned and need to repent, and to give me wisdom in the situation.
1. Praying for the right words to speak.
2. Clarify to make sure I understand what the other person is communicating.
3. When giving my response I use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.
4. Reminding myself that I don’t want to sin in my anger or hurt feelings & how much Jesus has forgiven me for.
I wish I could say I do this 100% of the time, but I can’t.
A tip I learned from a marriage conference once, was to come up with a ‘safe’ word to use during.an.arguement. When the word is used it means one person is getting to upset and needs to take a break before things escalate. You always have to come back to the topic at some point though.
I am part of a wonderful Sunday School class and I pray for our unity to be strengthened often. Recently a misunderstanding of what was typed online resulted in a message questioning my motive – I was horrified at first of the misunderstanding but calmly responded, clarifying what I meant and how I valued that person’s friendship. Recalling James 1:19 – Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. How you respond to misunderstandings or other people’s behavior is crucial – responding calmly can diffuse any tension and reinforcing that the problem is not bigger than the relationship is also vital. Relationships are so much more important than the conflicts that arise.
Pray, listen and breathe!!
Learning to walk away!
With three teenage boys conflict is always at my house. The best thing I have found is to stop everyone from talking and take a moment to breath. We tend to get so caught up in talking over each other that mom can’t focus. If I have everyone stop talking and give everyone a minute to calm down, it works better. Don’t get me wrong this doesn’t always work and there are many times that I come unplugged with them but when I can remember to slow down and talk it all though in any situation it always works out better.
The first thing I do is start praying! When you pray for someone, you start to really love them and want the best for them. Then I look for every scripture I can related to the issue. Once I have my armor on, it’s time to meet face to face, in love. This is the difficult part but when I have asked my Father for wisdom and for His words to use, it is much easier. I just let the Holy Spirit take over. I give the person plenty of time to talk, without interrupting them, and believe it or not sometimes they resolve the issue on theri own without me saying a word. I try to always end with prayer together. And then, this is crucial, continue the relationship as if the “issue” never happened. In fact, reach out more often to cultivate and nurture the relationship. And continue to pray for the person and their family.
Love your blog!
With Joy,
Trish
I love the acronym THINK. Is it True, Helpful, Inspiring, Neccessary, or Kind? Nope… Then don’t say it.
Pray, pray, pray…………before opening my mouth. I am still learning this each and every day!
I try to stop speaking (yelling 😉 and listen. Sometimes removing myself from the situation for a few minutes to pray and seek wisdom from my husband. And try my best to show mercy as Christ shows me mercy everyday of my life- amen for His grace!
When you speak, use the word “I” and never the word “you” 🙂
What an exciting giveaway, and great topic.
When engaged in any type of sticky situation, where I can see myself quickly becoming unglued (or, even pushing someone else to become unglued), I try and remind myself of this quote i came across on the internet a while back, I didn’t learn it by heart, but it basically says that: To be kind is more important than to be right, God gave us two ears and one mouth so we can listen more and speak less.
These are some great comments. I tried walking away because I need to calm down before discussing anything–however my husband was the opposite. He liked to solve conflict immediately. So I have not always had the ability to walk away like I want. But something we have noticed recently is that we get into most arguments when we are both tired which usually comes in the evening. We have decided we cannot have a conversation/conflict then because we go to bed all hyped up and usually not happy with each other. So now when we start to go down that path, we both stop and ask–do we really want to talk about this now? Usually the answer is no, it can wait. And usually, the conflict is so minor we both forget it the next morning. We have found this to be the most helpful.
I take my time to ask the Lord if it’s really that necessary for me to bring up a discussion. I pray that God gives me the correct words to use and to come with a humble heart. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I am not perfect and have a lot of work to do in this area of conflict to not be self centered.
Walk away and pray…my gut reaction “snapping” usually get me into a bigger conflict!
Still trying to figure out a good balance between standing up for myself and my believes AND just “letting it go.” I tend to be the walk away kinda person but then I bet myself up for not standing up for myself a little more often.
For me the best thing is walking away to pray and count to 10 to get real perspective before I blow things out of proportion everything looks better when covered in prayer right lol!!!
Listen before you speak!
Well, HE’s still working on me! But I would say that thru several bible studies including P31 this past summer and attending small groups over the past few years(hearing what other women have to share) has really helped me! I have learned to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT! I grew up in a home w/ a lot of fighting! So naturally I became a fighter. My first few years of marriage were very hard. But w/ The Lord’s help and scripture memorization, I am finally learning. =) I find that in conflict of any kind, it’s best to stay humbled. Even if I’m right and he’s wrong-LOL ” Proverbs 13:3-what i get out of this verse is “Controlling your tongue has it’s benefits-sometimes opening your mouth can ruin everything!” Always forgive—Ephesians 4:32 “be kind to each another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you!” Praise God, He’s not finished with me yet! =)
The best conflict resolution I have seen implemented is at my church. They have a policy in place for leadership, but it is also taught from the pulpit. Our Pastor and leadership says if you get offended or have conflict with someone you have 5 days. You have 5 days to go to that person and work it out. If you do not, then you have to let it go and it is your problem (not the person you are upset with) because you did not go to them and work it out. Of course, people do let things go on longer than that, but what it has taught us as a church is: If I hold on to something and don’t work it out I am responsible for the conflict. It has encouraged us to be responsible for our actions, because if we go to our Pastor or someone in leadership saying we have a problem with someone the first thing they are going to ask us is “How long has it been going on?” and “Have you went to this person and tried to work it out?”
This is a great guideline!
My favorite is in prvbs, “where there is no wood the fire goes out!”
One of the best conflict resolution strategies I’ve found is to smile! It’s a hard thing to do when in the heat of the moment, telling someone “how it is.” it is definitely something I have to concentrate on which in turn takes my concentration off the stressor I was just focusing on.
It’s amazing how this one little act can change the course of events.
Wow! What a great question and something I am working on daily sometimes hourly;) God’s Word tells us a soft answer turns away wrath and soo often in conflicts I am trying to defend MY position. Sometimes we need to step back and speak quietly and pray. Prayer is so often our last resort and we fail to use it first when we need it. God wants to help us and is there if we just lean on Him!
I step back, hush and start praying, sometimes walk a way and start praying…
I’d sooo love to win :)… My husband (who is a Senior Pastor) has taught me some wonderful conflict resolution skills :)… One of my favorites is when someone has hurt you or has done something you need to address come to them with questions not assuming their motives or heart. Don’t put them on the defensive, but truly come with a heart to learn why they did what they did. A lot of times things can be worked out just by understanding someone’s heart in the situations .
Three key things I have learned about conflict resolution are these: When frustrated, walking away and taking time to pray “Change Them Lord or Change Me!” The majority of the time,pretty much everytime…lol… the Lord changes my heart towards the person and the situation. The second key is the ability to “Agree to Disagree” I realize there will be times, no matter how hard I believe that my choice is the only right one, the other person may feel just as strongly. There is a point where you have to realize that neither will change the other, which leads me to the third key. There doesn’t have to be a winner and a loser. It is ok at times to compromise or even yield to someone elses views. I hope they are as clear for you to understand as they are in my head! I would completely freak out if I won! Would just bring lots of sonshine to my life!
Stop. Pray to keep my cool and my voice calm. The hubby and I have learned to just let things be until we are calm enough to discuss something…sometimes we will even go to desperate corners and text each other if it is something that could become really heated. With the children I try to either send them to neutral corners for a 10 minute family time out!
God is really working on me on this issue. He has shown me the wisdom of James’ admonition to be quick to listen and slow to speak. I have to learn to not immediately respond, but to let the Holy Spirit speak to me before I speak. When I have tried to take control and “win” the argument I have always regretted it and God has shown me that He is the one in control.
For me it’s stop, zip mouth, pray and talk when calm.
Of course, like others have said, Jesus dying on the cross solved all conflicts for us.
I have learned that if I stop & LISTEN, then REPEAT back to the person what I THINK THEY SAID, a lot of conflicts have been halted. We (I) tend to hear what we/I want to hear & when it is repeated back, it can sometimes be or meant to be something completely different that what was said or heard.
AND question all text, emails, etc.— you can read ANYTHING into a written statement.
My husband and I use what we learned in Marriage Encounter. We each write a letter to the other. Then we talk about it. By writing a letter, you can calm down and be more rational (hopefully).
walk away from the conversation and take some private time to collect my thoughts. Then after I am sure I can speak without over-the-top emotion, revisit the conversation in a calm manner and usually start with an apology because that gets their attention.
My initial response is to snap right away..walk off and pray to calm down and for clarity of mind. I always come back calm, apologetic, and able to remedy the situation. I hate it though! I want to be able to remain calm and have Godly responses immediately instead of spouting off at the mouth first!
My husband and I have been married for 32 years and though we still have conflicts every now and then, they don’t happen very often. My strategy when I get upset is to wash dishes and reflect on the situation, and pray about it. I know it seems odd…..but when I wake up in the morning and see dishes that need to be washed……I remember what a good day if was the day before! Now, I do was dishes on stress-free days too…..but on the stressful days, sometimes I go looking for something to wash, lol.
Stop to analyse the situation, find the root of the problem, and steer clear of anger. People generally know what’s right and what’s wrong, so acting in a way that shows respect towards the other person, while doing the right thing is in my experience a better way for conflict resolution to take place. And also praying for guidance in times of uncertainty can prove to be fruitful.
If it is conflict with my husband, I try to make sure that I touch him while I’m talking to/arguing with him. Even if I can only bring myself to put my hand on his shoulder, just touching him calms me down (since I tend to be the one to elevate the sound level) and it grounds me into remembering that we’re on the same team and we need to come to a solution, not win. Sometimes it takes a lot of pleading with God to help me touch him, but as I pray “Lord, I don’t feel like touching him, but please help me do it anyway” the anger tends to diffuse and I can focus more on healing for both of us.
A great big hug can solve an awful lot of problems.
Years ago someone told me that when someone is speaking to you, the best thing to do is just listen. Don’t formulate what your next statement will be but just sit and really listen to the other person. It forces you to focus on what they’re saying and their point of view while at the same time helping you to stay calm.
I wisper when I really want my kids to listen, 5, 3, and 2. That way I stay clam I am not yelling and either are they.
Some of the best advice I have heard was from the Scripture that says ‘A gentle answer turns away wrath (or anger.)’
I have always looked at this from the point of view that if you talk calmly to the other person who is biting your head, yelling, angry etc…it should help diffuse THEIR boiling emotions. BUT the other side of that coin is, if you are boiling over, angry, emotions out of control, and you respond with a purposeful, quiet (gentle…) response, coming against what your flesh really wants to do..yell and scream…it diffuses the wrath in YOU. I really liked that point of view and strive to use it not just in my friendships and marriage but with my children as well. 🙂
Hmmmm. … The way I’m suppose to handle it? Or the way I sometimes handle it? If I’m at the point of coming unglued, I try to distance my self from the situation. Whether it’s my family or a friend or a stranger, I start praying for them. At first I usually don’t want to do it. A long time ago, I learned the lesson that when I pray for someone, usually the person who is changed is me and my attitude.
Hi, sometimes the best way to resolve a conflict is to just walk away and letGod handle it!!!
Communicating when the heat has cooled. In the midst of conflict, there is little to hold your emotions from overtaking the words that flow through your mind and often out of your mouth. I know for me, I do not like to walk away, I want to sort it out in that moment. My husband needs time to process. We have found that respecting and loving each other means I let him think and process while my emotions cool down so I too can think clearly. Set appropriate time limits (i.e, giving 15-30 minutes and checking in, and allowing 15 more minutes if needed) so you do not avoid the needed conversation. Sometimes the disagreement was simply a misunderstanding of what was said, but without that time to cool down, my emotions would have continued to fuel a fire that should not have been started in the first place.
The best way for me is to walk away, cool off, pray and rethink the situation. Do I always do that? I’m sorry to say I don’t!
Pray, pray, pray…. And then PRAY some more! God is listening and waiting on us to call on Him. Give it to Him. He’s got this:)
Whether I am being addressed or addressing the conflict, I have learned it’s wise to just take a breath, look at the person or object of conflict, and in that moment and in my mind/heart, ask God for the response he wants me to give. Sometimes it’s just silence. And sometimes I am surprised myself at what comes from my own lips. Whatever it is, it’s always better than what I can come up with and more often what I can’t.
Take a deep breath, count to 10 and listen to the other person. Really listen to them. Don’t be thinking about what you are going to say as soon as they shut up. When they are finished talking, Think! Then speak in a calm, rational voice!
Stop and think — What is the worst thing that could happen
Prayer! Sometimes just taking a step back and think about the situation especially before you speak can make a big difference.
I think a great strategy is to look at the situation from the other person’s perspective. I’m working on this!!! Unglued has been a huge help to me so far!
Pray, count to ten, and then maybe still keep my mouth shut!
Conflict resolution is tough, especially with three two year olds, but the one lesson we try to always implement, even if the conflict itself went poorly, is emphasis on the resolution part. Restoration. Each triplet always says they are sorry to the one who was wronged, vocally, and hugs and kisses the other one. Often, the one wronged, is the first to give the hug which makes me feel like we’re at least getting resolution right. Now if we can just figure out how to tamp down the conflict 🙂
I tend to get caught up in emotion when my second oldest verbally explodes. When these times come, one of us has to go to our room and get away from the other…typically she won’t so I go. After an hour, she has calmed down enough to realize her emotions got away from her and the verbal acid spew that came out was very hurtful. I try to get away before I start acting in the same fashion.
The thing that I am working on is learning to use I statements rather than You statements.
“I felt like you were criticizing me when you said _______, it really hurt my feelings.”
rather than saying
“You are always criticizing me!”
to that my husband would become defensive and claim that he certainly does not.
That I don’t always have to have the last word
-Well, you did say the one that was the most effective, so i say PRAYER! Unfortunately, it’s not the one I ALWAYS go to. Unfortunately, my emotions dictate my reaction often. However, I know the Proverbs talk about a person that speaks all their mind is a fool, and I did a study on Mary a few years ago, how she “held these things and pondered them”. When i do feel my blood heating up and my heart racing, if I can have the discipline to hold my tongue *period* literally not say a word then until I get on my knees, and THEN poor my heart out to God and sincerely ask for His help to control my emotions and to give me discernment on how to handle the situation……. I’ve *never* regretted it. Of course, when I have been like a city with no walls OH have I regretted my actions!!!!!
Can’t wait to hear/watch the webcast 🙂
Sometimes I don’t think when my daughter (in her twenties) makes a decision and unforunately my mouth gets in the way. I’m trying to think before speaking but it isn’t one of my better features.
Stop talking and pray. It is amazing that the things that seemed like a big deal were not and those things that are a big deal God will always give you wisdom to work through.