When You’ve Lost Your Joy In the Midst of Marriage & Motherhood

When You've lost your joy

The tag line of my upcoming book is Finding Your Joy in God, Your Man, Your Kids and Your Home.

If you have followed me for more than 3 years you know that long ago I touched on the subject of depression just slightly.  The series was not well received because I personally have never suffered from clinical depression…so I deleted the series and decided that I would allow other women who have walked through this valley speak to this tender subject.

And though I have never been clinically depressed, like most,  I have had sad – very sad – seasons in life when I’ve lost my joy.

One sad season was when my husband was gone on a business trip over 200 nights in one year.  I stood at the window weekly, with little toddlers wrapped around my legs, waving bye bye to daddy with tears streaming down my cheeks.  This was a long and lonely season.

Every time I’ve moved from city to city – from my hometown to Chicago to Columbus and back to my hometown, I’ve experienced deep sadness that sometimes turned into anxiety and an outbreak of hives.

I’ve had dark days when tears came easy or I felt like a failure and like quitting everything in life.  We have had hard moments in our marriage where I’ve woken up to the reality of why some people throw in the towel when the going gets tough.  I get it…marriage is hard.

I’ve cried over my parenting struggles trying to raise my wild child and my whole family can attest to years of me –crying in the New Year– because I just get emotional on New Years Eve lol!…I get way too reflective and sad about all my failures, flaws, fears and frustrations.

Sometimes…I’m too serious for my own good.  I call this being a realist. And reality is harsh and cold sometimes – life is not all bubbles, balloons, butterflies and ladybugs.

And so I learned long ago that joy has had to become more than a feeling because God commands that we have it.

“Rejoice evermore.” – I Thessalonians 5:16

I have to fight for it.

I have to battle for it. I have to pursue it or my own emotions of sorrow simply squelch all my joy…till I’m a puddle on the floor in tears.  And that is not the woman you see on this blog.  By God’s grace, through the ups and downs, I have experience Psalm 40:2:

“He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”

Time and time again, I’ve slipped into a pit and found God to be my firm rock at the bottom.

And a book that has heavily influenced my joy through marriage and motherhood (and influenced the writing of my book) is John Piper’s When I Don’t Desire God: How to Fight for Joy.  

Piper writes in the chapter titled When the Darkness Does Not Lift:

It will be of great advantage to the struggling Christian to remember that seasons of darkness are normal in the Christian life. I don’t mean that we should not try to live above them. I mean that if we do not succeed, we are not lost, and we are not alone, as the fragment of our faith cleaves to Christ. Consider the experience of David in Psalm 40:1-3.

I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.

The king of Israel is in “the pit of destruction” and “the miry bog”— descriptions of his spiritual condition. The song of praise is coming, he says, but it is not now on his lips. It is as if David had fallen into a deep, dark well and plunged into life-threatening mud. There was one other time when David wrote about this kind of experience. He combined the images of mud and flood: “Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me” (Ps. 69:1-2).

In this pit of mud and destruction there is a sense of helplessness and desperation. Suddenly air, just air, is worth a million dollars. Helplessness, desperation, apparent hopelessness, the breaking point for the overworked businessman, the outer limits of exasperation for the mother of three constantly crying children, the impossible expec- tations of too many classes in school, the grinding stress of a lingering illness, the imminent attack of a powerful enemy. It is good that we don’t know what the experience was. It makes it easier to see ourselves in the pits with the king. Anything that causes a sense of helplessness and desperation and threatens to ruin life or take it away—that is the king’s pit.

HOW LONG, O LORD, HOW LONG!

Then after the cry you wait. “I waited patiently for the LORD.” This is crucial to know: Saints who cry to the Lord for deliverance from pits of darkness must learn to wait patiently for the Lord. There is no statement about how long David waited. I have known saints who walked through eight years of debilitating depression and came out into glorious light. Only God knows how long we must wait. We saw this in Micah’s experience in Chapter Six. “I sit in darkness . . . until [the Lord] pleads my cause and . . . will bring me out to the light” (see Micah 7:8- 9). We can draw no deadlines for God. He hastens or he delays as he sees fit. And his timing is all-loving toward his children. Oh, that we might learn to be patient in the hour of darkness. I don’t mean that we make peace with darkness. We fight for joy. But we fight as those who are saved by grace and held by Christ.

Friends, if you are in a time of sadness or depression, I recommend this book and if you can’t get through the first 200 pages just flip ahead to the final chapter on depression.  This chapter has been a great comfort to me AND the PDF version of this book is FREE on Piper’s website here. Yes – free! :)

I own these 4 well-worn books by John Piper.

piper books

And I have read many more books by John Piper because he offers the PDF version to over 50 books on his website FREE  at DesiringGod.org - is that not an amazing gift?  What a true minister of God’s word!  I hope you would take the time to browse his books and see if any of them can help you with a spiritual matter you are struggling with.

Chime In:  Have you struggled with a loss of joy?  How did God help you overcome this season of life?

What books have you read or recommend by John Piper?

Walk with the King,

 

 

**This post is a part of the Top 10 Quotes on Marriage and Motherhood Series.  Each Monday I am featuring one book that was used as a resource for my book that is about to be released October 1st!  

Top 10 Marriage and Motherhood Quotes

Comments

  1. KellyK(@RNCCRN9706) says:

    I admit, I too have never been clinically depressed. I think we all have days where we’re sad and rightfully so. Sad that I’ll never have another child. Sad when I discovered my husband’s infidelity. Sad when I found out that the kidney tumor that was removed with my kidney was indeed cancerous. I also had a bit if the baby blues after delivering my son back in 2004. Totally normal feelings. Thank you for the link to John Piper’s books.

  2. Oh courtney, thank you so much for this post…you have no idea how much i’ve needed it. Sometimes when you are in the pit you feel like you are the only one who is thinking this way, or who struggles with these thoughts, the only one …but you have been God’s words to me this morning and I thank you. Great encouragement, and from John piper…I will be looking at his free books ASAP!

  3. This post has given me so much strength and hope. Sometimes life just seems so impossibly hard, but it is so much easier to cope when I lean on God. Thankyou so much for linking to John Piper’s books – I am so very grateful they are free. It is a beautiful gift – thankyou xxx

  4. Melissa M. says:

    Thank you for pointing me to this valuable resource! I look forward to reading his book!

  5. My grandmother admitted one day out of the blue, “the women in our family have always been pre-disposed to melancholy.” WHAT? Thanks for the update. Armed with that knowledge I got professional help in my mid 20′s. I look forward to reading this download. It’s always good to have more ammo in my arsenal for those sneaking attacks of depression.

  6. This post could not have come at a better time. Thank you for being transparent as it made me feel less alone in my struggles as my hubby is workin oh so much, and I have a two year old and ten month old.

  7. Thanks for the honesty. I finally have been treated for depression after many years of struggling. I have a type that doesn’t fit into clinical depression. It’s called Dysthymia (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/dysthymia/DS01111). It is shorter bouts of depression, but longer term. I know I’ve struggled for many years with this.

    Sometimes I feel I am clinging to God with only a fiber left. When you can only cry out “Help me, I can’t do this”. It’s a hard place to be, but I am thankful He is a great God who can help me even there.

  8. Courtney, thanks for the tip about Piper’s books on PDF for free… Yeah! :)

    I have read his book on fasting — A Hunger for God — and loved it.

    Last year, after a surgery with a lot of complications, I went through a season of depression. At first, I didn’t realize what was happening… but thankfully, I was able to connect with a great doctor who got me back on the road to well being. I would encourage anyone who is struggling to seek medical attention, to stay grounded in the Word, and to allow people “in” to pray for you.

  9. I picked up The Good and Beautiful God by James Bryan Smith this year because I needed someone to remind me who God is, despite my circumstances. I felt stuck in thinking that God’s attitude toward me directly correlated with experiences in my job and marriage… If I was experiencing pain there, then maybe God wasn’t as powerful as I thought, or maybe He didn’t care as much as I imagined… But reading this book and engaging with other believers, including your blog, have encouraged me to persevere and go deeper into the truth of Who God really is. The author writes from an experience of pain (especially in the “God is Good” chapter as he confronts the reality and trauma of miscarriage) and offers practical training for tuning our hearts toward knowing the God that Jesus knew and loved. I highly recommend it even as I have a few chapters remaining.

  10. I am currently in a season where I have lost my joy. I’m in my second year of it and waiting patiently for the Lord to lift me out of the pit. Through it all I am asking for wisdom, guidance, and hope. I wake up daily saying, “I trust you.” and I admit sometimes that act of faith is hard. Even though I feel so alone in this season I know He is with me.

  11. Very timely ms Courtney I have struggled w depression off and on it runs in our family I’ve had a coupele rough season once after several ppl in my family had passed away over period of couple yrs amd then again after my son was born I’ve also had milder seasons that just come and go in my normal life well the last. Few weeks a severe season has been
    Trying to set in since the sudden lost of unborn child I went in to labor and she was still born we had tried amid prayed for two yrs for this baby been having a hard time walking thru this so thanks for the post sorta a MSG from god for me he been talkin to me a lot abt not get stuck in this i need to truat god to help me thru just hard when ur mad at god for taking ur baby and I want to know why my baby ?! Ugh just pray for me thanks and lots of love

    • I am so sorry Robin. I pray that the Lord would hold you in His hand and let you know that He has a plan for you and that He would give you peace. I believe your baby is with Him in heaven. I do not necessarily understand what you are going through. But I do know what it is like to have your arms ache to hold your baby but you can’t. My husband and I prayed for 5 years for our 1st baby and we had a miscarriage when I was 10 weeks along. Now that I have two children I know that that miscarriage was easier to go through than if I had lost my baby further along like you did or losing a child later in life. I pray that you remember even in your hurt and confusion that the Lord is merciful and that He cares for you.
      Blessings to you and yours,
      Hillary

  12. I chose the theme JOY for this year…I need the joy Jesus gives! Not what my surroundings or circumstances give! I have read several of John Piper books and am impressed every time how biblical and sound his writing is. Keep writing! ;)

  13. Thanks for the resources. I have struggled with clinical depression for most of my life and it’s one of those things that is greatly misunderstood. Here is a post I wrote, in which I share some of the symptoms that most people don’t realize have anything to do with depression. It’s a horrible thing, and affects so much of your life. http://www.servingjoyfully.com/2013/01/23/this-thing-called-depression/

  14. Courtney, I have followed you for awhile but have never commented. I have to say Thank you for this. Desiring God is my homepage. I have gotten so many resources or wisdom from John Piper’s site. I really appreciate what you have written tonight. Just to know that I am not alone.

  15. Amanda Cross says:

    Courtney, I really enjoyed this post. Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable about the things you have experienced. While it might not have been clinical depression, I can see that you have experienced some low-lows. I have battled anxiety quite a bit which caused me to feel discouraged. The world sees depression so differently. One of the things that I hope for is that more people of faith would see depression in a Biblical way. For me, most of the times that I have been depressed or anxious were times where there was disobedience to the Lord and a lack of repentance. I have also experienced these overwhelming emotions after pregnancy, losses, and after many nights of insomnia. I don’t want to say that depression is never a physical issue, but it seems like many do not ever see it as an issue of the heart aka a spiritual issue. I think it is a disservice to offer people medication if the cause of the depression is their own wrong thinking or not obeying the Lord. I’ve been on most of the medication on the market for anxiety and depression at one time or another and no medicine can bring peace to a fearful heart or give hope to a discouraged soul.

  16. Courtney, thanks so much for this article. I enjoy all your articles & your blog. I really appreciate you sharing about how to get the books free on PDF. (This is really helpful for those of us who can’t afford to buy them & our local libraries are not very good at carrying Christian content.) I am just now learning how to convert the PDF forms to a Kindle format for easier reading. This has been very helpful and I will be passing this on via FB to many of my friends out there who would love to read some of his books as well. You are a blessing!! Thanks!

  17. I am in the thick of it. Thank you, for helping me to remember its not me or my husband who is going to help restore that joy, but God. Jesus is our joy. Spending time with Jesus is the only way to have that true joy. Off to do that now.

  18. Michelle says:

    As someone who’s been diagnosed with depression, I think you hit the nail on the head with this line: “I have to fight for it.” Some days, simply getting out of bed is a battle. I have to remind myself that I’m not in this fight alone, and that I have a strong God who will bring me through each battle. It’s not always pretty, but his love never fails.

  19. I have suffered with clinical depression since 1998. My mother suffered from it, her mother did and she had a sister that did, and recently my youngest daughter was diagnosed. I remember going to see so many different psychiatrist/psychologist with hope that if I could just “talk through it” things would be better, I’d eventually be able to find the reason for my suffering and overcome. But it wasn’t until The Lord brought me that very same scripture in Psalm 40 that I realized no matter how many people I talked to, they couldn’t give me the answers I was looking for. I remember lying on the floor that morning for hours, tears streaming from my face until I finally had the strength to get up and fight my way through this awful darkness. I knew that Jesus was my only answer. It is a daily struggle still, but when I look up toward the heavens I am reminded this is where I find my JOY. Thank you, Courtney for sharing a piece of your heart!

  20. I’ve just been reading The Fruitful Wife by Hayley DiMarco, and the chapter I just finished was on joy. She stresses that joy is not about how I feel but what I do, that I can rejoice in God, His love, His care, His working, and the possibilities for what He is going to do in my life and circumstances. And then I find this post this morning – on the heels of a very teary night over both some frustrations and some big changes it looks like God might be bringing in our lives. Not a coincidence! :-)

    She also says, “We can’t be honest in our joy when we’re dishonest about our suffering.” When we have a smile plastered on all the time, we look like we don’t have struggles, but when we can have joy despite the struggles, that’s when God’s glory really shines. One of my struggles in this possible upcoming change is that another person I know who went through it never let on that there was anything hard about it. I want to hear about the hardness and how God got her through it: to act like it wasn’t hard only makes me feel more inadequate, because it will be hard for me, and if it wasn’t for her, then that’s another lack and failure on my part.

    Thank you for sharing both the struggles and the joy.

  21. Courtney
    Can’t wait for your book! I so appreciate all you write – it is always real and true to God’s word and true to life!! Thank you for your ministry and encouragement in the battle we all fight as believing women in all our different roles!! You are a light in the darkness! Prayers for you!

  22. I was wondering if you can tell me if this would be a good book for my husband to read?
    he is struggling at work and has lost his joy. He is missing out on so much as this is all he can focus on. i pray for him continually. and as i was just wondering what resource i could find for him this email came today.
    if ANYONE could help with some resources for my husband i would appreciate it.
    thank you and God Bless

    • Sally, my husband would recommend this book for your husband. He’s read it several times and is always encouraged. He also recommends When Man is Big and God is Small by Edward Welch – really all of Welch’s books are excellent.

  23. Thank you so much for posting this today. Just yesterday I found myself crying uncontrollably over nothing and everything at the same time, if that makes sense. Right now I find myself joyless in the Lord and that breaks my heart, what happened to the woman who loved and praised the Lord daily, who enjoyed going to service during the week and on Sunday’s, who yearned for his word? Where is she?

    I feel as though God is trying to work out all my deepest pain and emotion from childhood up until recent events in my life and I am completely joyless. I don’t know where to go or how to push through it. When I cry like I did yesterday I feel so guilty for allowing the enemy to steal my joy and ruin my day, I’m angry at myself for not being able to control it and for allowing him to steal time that could be spent with my husband and son.

    Thank you for these resources and for reminding me that I’m not alone in this fight. I feel stronger because of it.

    God bless you and your ministry – it is through you, your blog, GMG and your continuing encouragement that I have grown in my walk with Christ, my parenting and now my role as a wife. You have truly blessed my family.

    • KellyK(@RNCCRN9706) says:

      I SECOND Mari’s last paragraph. You have NO idea how much your ministry has influenced my life! I am a much better person for having found your blog!

      I am SO looking forward to the WLW Conference in August! I know I’ll be blessed even further by you and the other speakers at the conference!!

      May our Lord continue to bless you and your family as you have bleesed mine!

  24. I have suffered with clinical depression for half of my life. In the midst of being a mother to three young ones and being a homemaker I have found that it has hit me the hardest. My depression is full blown and very scary. I still haven’t figured out how to overcome this dreadful disease. It has stolen the essence of me; the joy of being me. At this time all I can do is ask God to know my heart and help me through it day by day, minute by minute. My faith is lacking in so many ways and I don’t typically have the strength to work on it. I’d love to give my account of this disease and find someone who has struggled with the same.

  25. Having battled clinical depression for much of my adult life (late teens to now at 39), I’m not sure I relate to this. Yes, I’ve had situational sadness or depression (try a 15 month deployment with 4 kids 2 months to 7), but it’s very different than actual depression. Not sure exactly how to differentiate to someone who hasn’t experienced it. And in fact, right now in the midst of a trying episode of it, I don’t feel it is a lack of desiring God. I am learning and desiring to learn more about Him more strongly than ever before, yet that doesn’t preclude deep depression at the same time.

  26. Depression also runs in our family, though sometimes I just wonder if it’s the self imposed hermit-ness.

    I have had a few different types of depression in my life, postpartum depression, depression from losing a son, losing a father, situational depression, etc.

    Even in the moments of depression, I called out to God. I knew He was there, I knew His joy would come. But at times it didn’t seem to come fast enough for me.

    Thank you for this Courtney. :)

  27. We are a military family, and right now has been an especially difficult season. My son is 3, and getting ready for his daddy’s 3rd 7-month deployment since his birth. His daddy deployed less than a week after he was born. My daughter is 2, and this will be her second. We have been married 8 years (together for 13, since high school), and this will be our 5th deloyment.

    But, it’s worse than that. The military right now has him stationed in another base where there is no housing. We have to stay at our old base, waiting for about 7 months for housing to become available for us. About the time housing is available, he will deploy, so all of his time NOT deploy has been wasted, still separated from us.

    I do not think that God looks down on me those nights where I cannot help but cry and cry. God did not intend for husbands and wives to be separated like this: it is a vision of the relationship between the God and the church…. and how the church should cry if they are separated from God.

    I cannot effectively be his help-meet from so far away. He cannot effectively be our family protector from so far away ALL THE TIME. It’s… so hard. But everytime non-military Christians see me sad, I do very much feel judged for it, as if being sad in any way is against God. And I get chastized by feminists, who think life should probably be bettered, and I should feel “empowered” without him. My own family doesn’t understand, and only tells me “you knew what you were getting into when you married a military man!”. They have no idea, and neither did I. All I really have to hold me in this is God. It’s… hard.

    • Meredith R. says:

      Hi Carly,
      My heart goes out to you, sister, because I have walked in your shoes before and I still do now. I’m a Marine wife with three kids (5, 4, & 2) and, though we are Reserves now with our Active duty days in our past, my husband travels M-F (with Drill weekends and some on-call)…so we see him 4-6 days a month. Life is so hard for women like us and I remember feeling exactly as you’ve described.
      It is such a hard road. God has shown me how much strength He put in me (which I could never have said before we went through all of this) and He continues to remind me that He is my true Prince.
      I guess I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. My family didn’t understand, either. I know how much it hurts when they can treat you like you put yourself in this situation. Why would anyone ever ask to live this life of extreme sacrifice? I understand.
      I hope that God will open doors in remarkable ways for you and your family. I pray that God would hold you tonight as the pillow beside you lays vacant. I understand. Thank you for giving your life and your love for our freedom. I understand.

      I just felt compelled to tell you…..someone understands and someone cares. ….And I really do.
      We may be strangers, but through God and the Military, we are sisters.
      Peace to you, Carly.
      Love,
      One soul who totally gets it.

  28. Thanks for sharing your struggles with us,Courtney. I have been through times where joy has left me. After child birth or during infant years. It can be so hard at times trying to balance everything in life. I remember how David had to encourage himself in the Lord and that’s what I have had to do. With family and friends an hour away,along with church family, it can get lonely. I love being able to open up the computer on days I am not physically around family or friends and feel connected to other Christ like women. You all are a blessing.

  29. Thanks for sharing. This is a very timely post for me. I’ve found John Piper helpful in the past and I think I’ll check out his books again this week. Thanks.

  30. Molly J. says:

    Courtney, thank you, just thank you. I am a long time reader but first time commenter and your words and the comments of your readers above so deeply touched me. I have suffered from clinical depression along with PTSD from my son’s birth and some days its all I can do to just cling to the Lord. I know this is my earthly personal battle and so I refuse to give up. The Lord is so much bigger than us and one day when we are standing with Him in all His glory he will show us the purposes of our struggles…they are not in vain. God bless you and your ministry and to other mammas and women out there, we all are facing these struggles together, cling to Him and some how He carries us through. Fight the good fight :)

  31. Can’t wait for your book to come out! I’ve so enjoyed following your encouraging and REAL blogging the past few years! I pray our paths cross one day!

    http://www.lifeunscriptedministries.org

  32. Amanda Clark says:

    Thank you so much for your transparency. I wish you were my next door neighbor and we could be great friends! Women need women like you! Thank you so much!
    God bless,
    Amanda

  33. A London Mum says:

    [Marked as spam by Antispam Bee | Spam reason: CSS Hack]
    Thank you amd God bless you for this! I came across this via Time Warp Wife’s Facebook page and I am so glad I did! The past few weeks have been so so sp dark for me and I was wondering whether I was/am depressed. Last week the Lord reminded me of Matthew 28:11 – Come unto me all you who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest.

    It’s actually comforting to know others go through the same thing because I honestly thought it was just me.

    God bless once again.

  34. This is so timely. This winter/spring I had two miscarriages. My emotions have been all over the place. I was depressed, then sad, then happy, then sad again, then depressed again… then randomly happy. It’s been crazy. And I feel like I’m fighting, but losing most of the time. I think we have this book! I am going to go look for it now. Thank you!

  35. This past year has been very hard and I have found myself in a pit as hard as I have tried to stay out of it. Thank you for the John Piper resource information. I’m just finishing up the book Anything and doing the study with a group of wonderful ladies. I can read John Piper’s book during our two week break before our next GMG study. You are such a blessing to me Courtney! I can’t wait to read your book too!

    In Christ,
    Laurie

  36. Great post. I’m facing this right now. I know I must fight for joy, but most times I’m lazy. I feel so weary that I don’t want to walk in faith. This post remind me a song that I love: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wa7OCQFsdVE

  37. WOW…what an encouragement! Thank you for “Time and time again, I’ve slipped into a pit and found God to be my firm rock at the bottom.” What a faithful reminder…

  38. Michele says:

    Hi! I came across this site via Pinterest and am not too sure why I am even writing about such personal things but my heart is grieving and I am so tired….my marriage is all but done!! I have had to deal with an mentally unstable, alcoholic,emotionally abusing, cheat and in truth I have felt so far from God that I can’t even call out to Him anymore because I am so tired of the silence. I have two small children and I am so down all the time that I do not find joy even with them and that breaks my heart because they are gifts….I have never read anything from John Piper so I will see if I can get any of his works….is there one that is better than the others for my situation at this moment in time?
    Thank you for this post…I am off to check out your site

  39. Thank you for this post. Downloaded a book.

  40. I can totally relate to this: “Sometimes…I’m too serious for my own good. I call this being a realist. And reality is harsh and cold sometimes – life is not all bubbles, balloons, butterflies and ladybugs.” And now I have to get your book after reading this post!!! I’ve had post partum that turned into full blown depression – and struggled with motherhood & marriage for many years. This post really encouraged me!

  41. Thank you for this post! The other day as we were recording our kids hanging up Christmas ornaments, I realized my joy for this season has changed. It isn’t joyful to me right now! It is depressing! During the ornament hanging my kids were fighting, were dropping the precious ornaments. We stopped filming, I cried, and we talked to our kids. Amongst this rush of the season I have been struggling. It is just not Christmas, it has been everywhere in my life lately. Finding myself “bite” at my kids during school time. Finding myself wonder about my marriage, not feeling confident about it! Thank you for this post! It was very encouraging!

  42. Yes I have, and still do. I just ordered you book yesterday and am eagerly awaiting its arrival!

  43. It is very encouraging to hear your stories…There are many of you who are in a far worse situation than I am in. Thank God that I have a loving husband and I get to see him everyday. I don’t Know how military wife’s can go without their husbands…I would fall apart without my husband. God knows how much we can handle and only gives us what we are capable of handling. I recently had a miscarriage and I fell into a deep depression. I would cry myself to sleep every single night and ask God why!…we don’t have any knows ids and we have waited over a year…my family just tells me to relax and not think about it? It’s easy to say when they each have kids of their own! I am desperate for a baby of my own…I feel like a failure for not being able to get pregnant. My husband really wants kids. All of our nieces and nephews adore him. He is so great with kids…I feel like I have to give him a child or else he will leave me and find someone else who can even though he assured me he will never leave me…I used to be a singer, conduct children’s choir, I worked for a lawfirm, and after the miscarriage. …I am completely shattered and waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel.

I love hearing what is on your heart.

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