My Feelings About The Woman Who Confronted Me & WLWW Link-Up Party!

2 weeks ago, I posted a blog post about a woman who confronted me for being immodest. While the post was mainly about modesty, a huge part of the conversation to follow was about this woman who confronted me.  To be honest, the focus was not meant to be on her and I didn’t expect the huge response that post received! (It was shared on facebook over 9,959 times – and in one day I had a whopping 89,000 visitors to my blog!)

I’ve received emails and comments from women begging me to say something about this woman who many called…”legalistic, harsh, mean, jealous, rude, disrespectful” and so forth.

So the question is – how do I feel about that woman who confronted me?

I have one word…



I would have liked her confrontation to have oozed grace…and God’s word says to “do to others as you would have them do to you.” (Luke 6:31NIV)

Within my post, I was honest that the relationship was strange but I commended her for the way she confronted me privately.  I am honestly thankful for her call and if I ran into her in the grocery store today…which could happen – she only lives 15 minutes from me – I could thank her for confronting me because it DID help me. And grace would cover everything else…because we are all a work in progress…all of us NEED grace.

And while many cried out that she should have given me grace – I cry out on her behalf and ask for us to give her …what many thought she should have given me – and that’s grace.

I think this is a problem within the church amonsgt sisters in Christ.  We can become too sensitive and hold grudges against other women who said things in a wrong tone or in an uninvited way.  The church is made up of people from all different kinds of backgrounds and personalities.  It is EXTREMELY easy to get our toes stepped on.  But if we respond to every wrong with bitterness, the church will cease to be a light in this dark world.

 Jesus said ” By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

Every church has its handfull of difficult people.  No church is perfect.  I heard this Francis Chan video LONG ago and it cracks me up!

We’ve all been there…we’ve all faced someone in our life that we hold a grudge against because of something they said.  This lady said this to me TEN years ago!!  Yet I’ll never forget it – some of you have been holding grudges for 10 years or maybe even more!  I beg you to…




Matthew 18:21,22 “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me?Up to seven times?”22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times

Rick Warren’s says in “The Purpose Driven Life” “What are you doing personally to make your church family more warm and loving? There are many people in your community who are looking for love and a place to belong. The truth is, everyone needs and wants to be loved, and when people find a church where members genuinely love and care for each other you would have to lock the doors to keep them away.”

Did you see that?

When people find a church where members GENUINELY love and care for each other you would have to LOCK THE DOORS to keep them away!  I want that kind of church!!!!  And it starts with ME!

I think the focus should not be on others who have hurt us but on ourselves –  what are we doing personally to make our church families more warm and loving?

So I want to bring this discussion full circle – the last post was about modesty – not about the woman who confronted me.  And this post, is about loving the difficult women in our church – not about the woman who confronted me.  We can’t change others – but we can change ourselves.  We can’t change others mistakes but we can learn from them.  We must press on toward maturity and the mark of a mature woman in Christ will be one who loves the Lord so much she is willing to extend grace to her sisters in Christ because that is how Christ loves them.

John 4:11 says “Since God loves us, we ought also to love one another

Walk with the King,



  1. I LOVE this post. I had to confront our pastor’s wife years ago because she consistently dressed very immodestly and it was very difficult. She didn’t appreciate it and said it was the men’s fault if they found her immodest and lusted. Love is not easily offended and a wise woman takes rebuke. You are a very wise woman, Courtney and you handled it in a loving way. We need to listen to our sisters in Christ. We are to pursue peace with all men and that is exactly what you did.

    1. My thoughts exactly. We are to speak the truth in love, but also be mature enough to accept the reproof/message even when it’s not exactly given in the manner we would like. If the ‘message’ is truly from Him, He will show us and help us get past the delivery-if we allow Him to.

    2. I agree 100%, I was also confronted by someone in my church. I had just become pregnant again and was wearing a v neck shirt. I was not used to having anything to be immodest about. A woman quietly whispered in my ear that I was being a distraction to her husband with my clothing. She was not very warm about it and never spoke again, she actually did not really attend the church anymore, but her words did help me and made me aware of my affect on others. I don’t want to be a stumbling block for people. I want to honor God in all I do. I am still a work in progress and am thankful for the abrupt wake up call. I hold no ill feelings toward this woman. She spoke truth, maybe not with a loving tone, but truth in love as far as being concerned about the affects I was having on the people around me, including her. Thanks for sharing! We need more women who are brave enough to confront things in our lives!!

  2. Thanks so much, Courtney for your gracious response. This inspires me to let God’s grace flow through me to those I get irritated with, sadly, on a regular basis! You are right, we need to be love the body of Christ or no one will recognize the body of Christ. After all, that’s what we are to be known by … our love. Great thoughts!

    1. Beth, I couldn’t agree with you more.
      I was one of those ladies as well, BUT, praise God, through His grace…and His Word, I can see Him little-by-little changing my life for HIS glory. I truly believe that if we are hurting (any part of) the body of Christ, we are hurting our own self, because we are a part of that body. Many times I have thought that if I truly loved MYSELF as God loves me…it would be so much easier to love the body of Christ instead of continually looking for something to criticize.

  3. Not just 77 times… Matt. 18:22 (KJV) “Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.” – thats 490 times! Which I think practically speaking means… every time. That’s a lot of grace he’s expecting from us, and its something we need “his grace” to work in us to perform.

  4. Courtney I think this was so beautiful the way you wrote this. I for one read the original article and didn’t think anything other than it was a teachable moment for probably the both of you! We all have those uncomfortable moments with another women but It’s Grace that gets us through and we all are a work in progress! Great post!

  5. Amen, amen and amen!! This is definitly inspiring me and encouraging!! Show others grace, it’s what Jesus did for us. We need to be the light also at church, there are many who are hurt there and need love and feel accepted. Thank you for this post, and for sharing your heart and being transparent.

  6. Id love to talk to you privately about something (not related to this post) I am need of some heavy advice. If you could contact me at I would so appreciate it. I know you’re busy so if you cant I understand =)

  7. You wrote “Every church has its handful of difficult people”. I agree – but I would respectfully suggest that it might also be true to say “Every church has difficult people…….some days it is ME and some days it is someone else, and some days it is both!” My hope and prayer is not only that it isn’t my “day” very often, but that it also becomes everyone else’s “day” a little less often than it is now.

  8. Amen, Courtney! Very well said and written…. from the Lord FOR sure! You are such an example of striving for maturity… it’s no WONDER the Lord has blessed your blog. These hard issues of life are where the rubber meets the road with our Christian faith and truly letting HIM shine through us when we KNOW we cannot do something in our own power.

  9. I grew up in a legalistic environment…. but I have to admit my mouth drops to the floor when I see how some women dress at church. Over the years, I’ve done a better job monitoring what Im wearing. Tank top under a blouse if it dips too much, etc. I believe we can be tastefully fashionable. We don’t have to be living the in the days of House in the Prairie Ma and Pa outfits. Men are visual and I personally wouldn’t want to cause a man’s eyes to go where they shouldn’t because I wasn’t paying attention to how the blouse fit or if the material is see-through. However, there is always a way to tactfully and lovingly explain this to someone. The confrontation toward you could have been handled much better. You are greatly covered by Grace that you took her words and used it to correct something you weren’t aware of but more importantly you didn’t hold a grudge which would have been a door the enemy uses to create division. You go girl! Thanks for sharing.

  10. Do unto others still applies. I have to be honest, I DETEST the whole “questioning” type of confrontation. It seems a little degrading. This should have been a sister to sister encounter, not a mother to sister encounter. I just shook my head when I read her approach.
    I think the approach could have been sweeter. Perhaps having you over for a cup of tea and talking about what she has learned, vs. what appears to be a “drive by”: no real relationship, calling you up, and no contact afterwards. THAT is not how anyone really should be treated.
    I have to admit that I don’t feel as though you should confront someone that you have no real relationship with. I think that is best done by those who love the person in a way that the person knows it. Know what I mean?
    “People don’t care about what you know, until they know how much you care.”
    YOU are the bigger person for giving her grace.

  11. Wonderful post and you are a very kind and gracious woman. Grudges are such a waste of time… you just fester and rot… Have a wonderful day!

  12. This I think is the most amazing post, and my favorite on your site to date!!! This truly reflects the heart of Christ and is an example of how we should love others even when they hurt our feelings or they are our enemies. These are the kind of posts that keep me coming back to your site for encouragement and also for conviction that is usable in the ” trenches” of real life. Thanks!

  13. Yes, grace and love are necessary on both sides. I am saddened by the way the church ignores the need for exhortation today–many immediately chalk up ANY words of admonition as “legalism.” There is a need to speak the truth in love. Maybe she didn’t say it in a loving way, but only God knows her heart in this matter. There is a necessity to pray BEFORE we exhort others, and a necessity for those exhorted to pray about their response, as well.

  14. I am so glad you responded! I read the most about the confrontation and I did not want to judge the woman. I have been on the receiving end of similar situations and find that there is always something to be learned from what they are confronting me with. My and dad always taught us growing up that God gives grace to the person who has to walk through the offense (you), but he will not give grace to those that pick up the offense (others). I see how God gave you the grace and I know he would not give the grace to me if I chose to pick up an offense off of your experience. I also want to let you know I have truly been blessed by your blog!

  15. Very well written. After re-reading the original two things I must mention. I live in S. Florida and most of the time it is very hot and humid. We Floridians are know to dress in sun dresses or colorful tank tops a lot of the year . I think it can add another dimension to the modesty issue. What I noticed about Christian men (including my own husband) they don’t tend to really look at women in that way. Even at the health club or the beach the men from church our very focused on being gentlemen and not oogling. I love the idea of the men tanks under the blouses thanks for the tip. Love you Blogs. .

  16. Excellent follow-up! I am hoping that another 89,000 women read this 🙂 It is a great reminder that we need to extend grace! I am learning that daily.

  17. Oh Courtney, I’ve never met you and probably never will (I live in New Zealand), but I love you and I love your heart for God and your heart for people. Your site is one of the few I read because it is full of grace and love, said with a heart of joy and humility. We need more of you! Love you, sister!

  18. Amen! My heart ached for a response to the modestly turned post! Missing grace is a huge issue in the church! (then, I guess that statement could be taken to an extreme too :P)

  19. Good for you!!!! So glad that you shared your initial experience and that you are standing firm on God’s Word! Grace and mercy is Christ has shown to us and so we should show it to others!

  20. REALLY enjoyed both posts! You are a great example and I am blessed by reading your blog and being provoked to thought! Thanks for the gracious and meek responses and the way you “possess your vessel”. Your first blog touched a nerve with many. I posted it on Facebook as well. It’s obviously a touchy subject that many are interested in (89,000 visitors to your blog and almost 10,000 fb shares!!!!).
    I really enjoyed the conversations on the comments sections…so many viewpoints! God truly made us all unique and special! Thanks again for sharing!

  21. I appreciate your appreciation for God’s provision, using this woman to reach your heart and help you with your testimony. I am so desperate to grow and I want accountability, but it does not come that often. If someone brings rebuke or speaks truth they are then equally open to the same critique. No one wants that. Or very few are willing to be scrutinized. Kuddos to both of you and I count it all a blessing when God is working in my life, no matter who He uses, a child, an adult, a tragedy, etc.. May we all be teachable and see God’s hand of grace, Read “Pilgrim’s Progress” it is a great story of God’s grace through seeing what we deserve, yet we are spared by His great love and provision through a Savior Who has taken on our sin, (we all sin and fall short of the glory of God) and spare us of the punishment, but not the correction to mold and change us into His image, if we are willing and yield to His hand. I want to be like Jesus, be the Face of Jesus, I pray for an honest woman to speak into my life. Where is she?

  22. Courtney,

    I should have responded after the first post, but better late than never right! I was so blessed by your last post about modesty, and not because of the modesty issue (though it was quite convicting!) But because of how gracefully you handled the situtation both when it happened, as well as in your posting. As I read the comments this dear lady said to you, I could feel my own emotions flaring up, and all the thoughts of “how dare she put it that way” and “that was WAY over the top” thundered in my heart. But the way you responded quieted my heart. The Lord reminded me that she will be held responsible for her presentation, just as you will be held responsible for your reaction. The Lord can use all people to teach us a lesson. I have told people before, take a persons critisism…listen, ask the Lord if there is Truth to what is being said, and discard the rest. And the grace you have shown is beautiful. It is a reminder to me to #1 grow a thicker skin as to not be offended so easily :-D, and #2 that all Christians are God’s children, and they should be given respect and grace by me, even when I am offended. Thank you!

  23. You’ve done it again! Brilliant post,i sodoapprecite your heart for God and how the Holy Spirit spesks through your life! This is what the faith is about FORGIVENESS and GRACE!
    Offenses are traps and beleivers fall into them all the tiome.IN fact that is the number one reason why people leave church.None of us are perfect so your post is a great reminder of that. 🙂

  24. Love this, Courtney. I just finished a post a similar experience. If I have to choose between being too gracious or too critical, I know which one to pick 🙂

  25. Amen! There was an older gentleman at our church one night who got very mad at me that I left some of my children’s toys on some tables that were being taken down. He literally started screaming in front of everyone there (I wasn’t I was teaching a class). Talk about crying when I found out.

    I share this incident to say, at first I was deeply hurt and infuriated that he would do such a thing, and embarrass me like that. But there was some truth to his irk, it wasn’t terribly considerate of me to leave the toys lying around. And, he is also manic depressive. Grace Grace Grace. As much as I can muster.

    Rebuilding any type of relationship is hard of course after an outburst like that, but I’m doing every thing in my power to be as kind as I possibly can, because there are absolutely times when I need grace as well.

  26. I commend you for this post. I know how I would have felt if an older woman had confronted me on immodesty ten years ago (and it would have been warranted, because I had NO clue ten years ago). I would have been horrified, I would have cried and, unlike you, I would not have shown grace. I’ve grown since then, but I agree that it can be tough as a woman in the church, and it’s a relief/inspiration to see you write about grace in this. Knowing what I know now, perhaps that woman felt she was doing her Titus 2 duty (did she go about it graciously? not so much, but no one’s perfect). I wish we had more of that, honestly, because I need all the help I can get!

  27. Thank you so much for sharing this- I have been praying about this very thing. I have an opportunity each day to be a peacemaker- to continue to reach out to love even when others may not love me back. How can I do this? Only by God’s grace. Only through the outpouring of love that He poured into me through His justification, grace, and mercy. When I consider all God has done for me- how He saved me through no merit of my own- it becomes much easier to extend grace- for I always have before me how much I need grace.
    I have (in the past) longed for people to like me, to please people first. In this season for the first time I find myself truly longing to let go and only seek to please God. And one of the greatest ways we can please Him is simply to love. Love abundantly- love in all circumstances-Love intentionally.
    Thank you for sharing your heart- this was so encouraging to me to hear this word today. God bless you.

  28. Perhaps the woman didn’t dare reach out to you after confronting you; perhaps she was afraid you’d be angry. Causing confrontation is every bit as stressful as being confronted, and perhaps she needed comfort from you just as much as you needed it from her.

    Reach out to her now. Call her, visit her, or talk to her and thank her for her phone call. She probably remembers it. Give both you and her closure on this issue. Dare to reach out in genuine love and compassion and thanks.
    God bless you!

  29. “I think this is a problem within the church amonsgt sisters in Christ. We can become too sensitive and hold grudges against other women who said things in a wrong tone or in an uninvited way. The church is made up of people from all different kinds of backgrounds and personalities. It is EXTREMELY easy to get our toes stepped on. But if we respond to every wrong with bitterness, the church will cease to be a light in this dark world.”

    YES! Yes, yes, yes, yes. This is EXACTLY the truth God has been working through my heart in the past few months. I was finding myself getting worked up over the smallest things that came out of the mouths of my sisters in Christ. God opened my heart to remember that we are all sinners, and some times that means letting hurtful comments go (whether they were intended to be hurtful or not). If we Christians respond to discipline in the way the world responds to discipline, then we are no different than non-believers. Thank you so much for responding to your earlier post. You are a blessing!

  30. I love both of the posts. I love how you appreciated her. You said you would thank her if you saw her. Maybe pray for an opportunity to do so. I think it is great how the lady handled it. Thank you for sharing!
    Be blessed 🙂

  31. Amen. You are a good egg, Courtney! I love your posts. Thanks… May the Lord keep on blessing you, girl…and through your life others will be blessed also!

  32. I was just talking about this exact thing last night with a friend after dinner. We had both been so discouraged by situational at church and how they were handled and how easy it would be to be disgruntled with sisters in Christ but also how we are most likely offending people as well without knowing. We both said grace had to cover the wrongdoings(or annoyances) or we would become bitter for sure. God has been teaching me a lot about this concept of grace this year and u have found that true living grace comes from a heart that loves God and others more than oneself and really appreciates how sinful we are and so undeserving of Gods love..its a real sign of spiritual growth and maturity. I am amazed that it has taken me over 20 years of being a Christian to fully grasp this. I have been convicted to pray for the church and especially the women around me to show more grace and less harshness and judgemental and bitter spirit..I imagine that would be a beautiful picture to the world if the church demonstrated that kind of love:) love you girl and love your is a real sign of your maturity and dedication to true spiritual growth that you would even post this:)

  33. Too frequently in life, we want grace but we’re short on giving grace. People skills are so often “caught, not taught” and what we picked up as children and children pick up from us. Are we being gracious toward others when they have wronged us…when we perceive they have wronged us? Are we being gracious when instructing someone else? It’s difficult to see life through someone else’s view but opportunities for all of us to grow and become better people, better Christians mean our hearts are, sometimes, on the line.
    All of us are broken people, healed only because we allow God’s work to be done in us. His grace, given freely, so we might, in turn, freely give to others and show His grace in action.
    Generally, it’s when I think I’m the Most Right that I’m the Most Wrong.

  34. Your maturity and the love of God in your heart are showing. I don’t know you personally, but as a sister in Christ, I am so proud of you. You must make our Father (and your Mama) proud. May His blessings rest on you today.

  35. I read your post the first time around, but did not read any of the comments that followed. I just read your new post! What a great message! Thanks for being so open with us;) I agree with you whole heartedly……rather than us focusing on others “flaws” we should change ourselves first:) Thanks again! Have a blessed day!

  36. Well said – I haven’t been an extremely faithful reader of your blog but with this post you might have just added another reader. By the way I finished the Proverbs 31 book recently and loved it. Thanks

  37. I love your heart and your understanding of Grace! If we cannot show others grace, how can we expect God to give us all the “second” chances we need daily?

    May God continue to increase your ministry and revelation of His heart for You.

  38. Love this post. I remember when I was first married (28 years ago) my husband and I had moved to a small town and were visiting a church. I walked in with a black skirt, white blouse, red belt and red shoes…. Funny how some things stick in your memory! Appropriate length, nothing low cut, just some red in my outfit. The pastor got up and explained that God told him to change his sermon…..and he proceeded to preach about how women dress and how we are not to be flashy, etc. He even mentioned “red” if I remember correctly. Actually, it didn’t hurt my feelings, I laughed about it for a long time, though we never went back, and obviously since I remember it 28 years later it must have affected me! Oh, and I still wear red!!

    Great post.

    1. WOW! That post took me aback a little! We go to a very small country Church and I’d be mortified if our Pastor did that since you weren’t immodest just “flashy” as you put it! That’s crazy!!!!

  39. We are the church! This is exactly what I’ve been talking about in about five of my posts (didn’t realize until later it was going to end up being a “series” of sorts). A welcoming church is what I blogged about just yesterday! Thanks for the “reinforcement”…AWESOME post! 🙂

  40. Right on the money, Courtney! This woman did the RIGHT thing, just in a difficult way. I am so happy that you could learn from this situation, and that you are still demonstrating maturity. People aren’t always going to be sweet and confront over a cup of tea, and quite honestly, they don’t have to be. Perhaps God allowed this because a sweet confrontation wouldn’t have accomplished much. And you are so right that we all need to receive and extend grace. We can be over-sensitive and ANYTIME someone steps on our toes if we get huffy and wait for an apology it just turns into a big mess. It’s not about you being the bigger person as someone suggested, it’s about grace to move on and think about our contributions to the body of Christ. Someone also thought she had no right to confront you because she had no relationship with you, but your husbands were both in positions of leadership at the church and that gave her every “right”. Lots of eyes are on us when we or our spouses are in positions of leadership. Thanks so much for the honesty and the willingness to learn and extend grace.

  41. I read your first post, but none of the comments that followed. Am glad you addressed them in such a straightforward and honest manner. Excellent post, Courtney!

  42. Courtney–you are so right! Our job is not to change other people. It is to cooperate as God changes us into who we are supposed to look like–Him! Our offense, whenever it grows from our own hurt feelings, is never in God’s will. We can be offended for His sake, as Jesus was, but not for our own. Surely His example teaches us that.

  43. SO well said, Courtney. I love your spirit in this. It is exactly what I need….more GRACE…in the rather difficult situation my husband and I have found ourselves in the past month. God’s been making it real to me that above all else we need to LOVE. We are human, after all, and we can’t see into the hearts of others or see the big picture as our Father can.

  44. Your post helped me so much. I live in Texas. The weather during the summer is so hot that sometimes I can’t run in this heat. My exercise is running and it’s helped me lose 48lbs. It’s also my time to get away from the world and just to pray. Lately on my runs I’ve been seeing women running in these tanks, they look like sports bras , but they’re made to run in like that. A fellow friend who is also a runner posted a pic with her wearing one. “I need one too!” I said to myself. (Monkey see, monkey do!! Lol!!) So, I looked around sports shops, looked online and brought up the idea to my husband. Of course, his response was”NO!!” “Jennifer.” he told me, “those are bras, you can’t go out there running in a bra.”. Okay I said. A week later I found one and bought it. That was when I came across your post. It was God now talking to me and if I didn’t listen to my husband, I better listen to Him! I admitted to my husband I bought one and I told him I would be taking it back, which I did. I know it’s hot, but I’m a woman of God and what I wear reflects who I am. I still see women wearing these bras and in fact I saw a whole group of young girls wearing them too. I hope I can be an inspiration that you don’t need to be half naked to run. God has given me a gift of sewing so I made these Velcro ties to hold up my shirt sleeves. I even called them, JennieTies. You can see them at I’m modest even when running!!! Lol!!!!

    1. Awesome that you were listening to the leading of the holy spirit in your situation, Jennie. I am not a runner, but will be visiting your FB page. We get hot days here in Idaho and am continually looking for modest ways to keep cool, yet casual…prayers and blessings to you! 🙂

  45. Thanks Courtney for exposing your true self in front of the world. It took much courage to show weaknesses as well as strengths. It is wonderful to observe how over time the Lord changes us closer to his glory. He uses many different things to prick our hearts, and I am glad for all of them. One area the Lord has been working on me on grace (and it has been a slow process because of the hardness of my heart at time). It is so much easier to see someone elses faults than your own. However, we can learn through others shortcomings on how to fix our own faults. This reminds me of the verse, first take the plank out of your own eye before you take the piece out of your neighbors eye. Thanks again for extending grace and sharing your story.

  46. Wonderful post! Many thought of this being offensive to you while you clearly were able to look at that whole situation without being offended. Offenses are one of Satan’s greatest tools to keep God’s children bitter and divided. Your take on this matter is right on! I recommend people read or watch the series , The Bait of Satan by John Bevere which deals with offenses in the church and how it hinders God’s work.

    Thank you for sharing your heart and blessing so many of us.

  47. Excellent followup to your original post – which I also enjoyed. Thank you for the wonderful example you have shown to us!! God Bless 🙂

  48. When I first read your original post on modesty I have to admit I too was bothered by the fact that this woman came to you like she did. My first thought was that it wasn’t her business. Yet, after much thought, I realized that it was her business as a sister in Christ and that she should be commended for coming straight to you with the problem she had. So often we as women are so bothered when someone confronts us, yet we go around complaining that others are talking behind our backs. What is it that we want? We don’t like either, but we need to commend the person that actually comes to us and confronts us rather than gossips about us to others. They are doing what Christ called us to do. Yes, maybe she could have done it in a more loving way, but truthfully, no matter how or what she said I think it still would have stung deep down because she was pointing out a wrong and we all know how painful that is no matter how a person approaches us.
    Modesty is a thing we as women want to ignore and say it doesn’t matter, but it truly does. If we aren’t willing to give up that shorter skirt, or low/tight top for the better of others so they can be closer to God than it really does say something about us and where we are in our walk with God.
    Thank you for both posts. Thank you for your posts period. They really have given me things to contemplate and have truly drawn me closer to God. You have become a friend even though we have never personally met. Thank you for your spiritual encouragement to all of us women!

  49. I had a wise mom give me some advice for helping my daughters and me dress more modestly. We now sing the “head, shoulders, knees, and toes” song before we walk out the door. In other words, is our hair fixed, our shoulders covered, our knees covered, and shoes on our feet? If our shoulders happen to not be covered, we grab a short-sleeve cardigan. If our skirt happens to be too short, we grab a pair of leggings to put underneath. The song makes it easy to remember.

  50. I had a similar confrontation to yours in which a woman gave me some solid advice but not in a very charitable way. My pastor gave me some great advice. He said, “Whenever you think about her, pray for her. Pray that she will be shown the love that she did not show to you.”

  51. GRACE. We all need it–we are truly people in need of a Savior.

    We don’t always mesh with everyone in our church perfectly–that is part of the human condition.

    We do not pick and choose who are the members of the Body of Christ–if we did, they would probably all be like us–and that would not serve God’s purpose to reach out with His love to all the earth.

    Love is a CHOICE. We decide to do the loving thing, even if we feel wronged. It isn’t at all easy–but that is how Jesus loves us.

    Thank you for showing us the right way to handle these situations–it is worth a WHOLE lot.

    Carissa in eastern Iowa

  52. I was thinking back to my feelings when I read your original post. And I know I felt defensive for my friend. (weird how we all get possessive of you because we read your blog :)) But trying to see it from her point of view, I don’t know if I would have had the courage to call you and point those things out. I would hope that I had that courage and that I would not have completely picked apart your entire outfit. But I really don’t know if I would have made the call.

  53. Courtney –
    I’m glad you came back to address the issue that so emotionally arose from your previous post. I love how you let God use the beneficial parts to make you a better person, while letting go of the things that could have destroyed you. That is the real lesson for each of us. I’m trusting that women everywhere will follow your example in responding to good advice wrapped up in a bad package. 🙂 We can all question the method, the means, and maybe even the peson, but is that really what matters?
    Thanks again…

  54. A Preacher once advised me, “In the Christian life, you have to have thick skin and a tender heart!” I am seeing this more and more every day! =)

  55. Beautiful, beautiful post Courtney! I recently began reading when a friend shared the Proverbs 31 series with me. You are a wonderful gift to us women walking with the King. I loved, loved, loved the spirit in which you wrote this and the overall message of grace and being a responsible and loving member of the body of Christ. So thankful to have your blog. Keep walking and giving us your wonderful insight!

  56. New International Version (©1984) Proverbs 27:6
    Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
    I feel bad for the woman that confronted you if she read all this. It’s not easy to say hard things, but they need to be said, yes maybe with a little more grace…BUT at least she was doing the right thing..the godly thing. I commend her, because most people don’t have the guts to do what is hard and right. Look now the fruit of her saying something to you…You have become a better example and your now blessing women through that example. Don’t think that we don’t look at your outfit in your videos! Were girls…that’s what we do..we admire each others beauty and look to each other for approval and love. Like it or not it’s true. 🙂 Sometimes, even when there is grace, it’s hard to hear the truth. She gave it to you and you are better for it. 🙂 HUGS~

  57. PS…I was confronted with the same thing when I first became a Christian. 🙂 It was hard, embarrassing, but I know she was right. I still have to check myself every now and again. My husband say’s that he loves me for it more, too, now. 🙂

  58. I confronted someone once – after listening to my young adult son cry because he didn’t know where to look – IN CHURCH. I don’t think I came across very nicely either. While I think most women dress immodestly out of ignorance – at least I hope that is the case with most Christian women – it is very difficult and awkward for young men when they are confronted with immodest dress even in church.

  59. Confrontation is never easy!! Whenever you NEED to confront anyone, you should be merciful and gracious. I was not amused in the way she confronted you. She could have been, I think, more tactful. Learning from this experience, is possibly most important. My suggestion: think first how to approach each person according to THEIR personality, not your own. Be sensitive and PRAY before.

  60. I very much appreciated reading this today. I think that we need to watch each other’s backs and we can always learn something from someone (even if they didn’t say it in the ‘perfect’ way). We become stagnant in our walk with Christ when we don’t allow ourselves to be stretched out and exhorted. We need this and should welcome it, especially if we yearn to be more like Him with each passing day. Courtney, firstly, thank you for the first post on this topic of modesty. I know I have a lot to learn in this are and my husband and I have been having several discussions about it. Secondly, thank you for the reminder that GRACE should be the force that propels us in life. And thirdly, thank you for talking about the importance of confrontation. It is never comfortable and our flesh refuses it. The true question is, who will we side with? Will we take sides with our flesh or will we listen to what God may be trying to speak into our lives. In a nutshell, thank you!

  61. I love that you wrote this Courtney. I did read the original post on modesty. I was somewhat offput by they way you described her telling you, but when I read on YOUR RESPONSE to her was what mattered. Even if her words were harsh, or not how some of us felt she should have told you, ultimately God spoke to you through her and you received HIS message. I agree as well with giving others grace and not holding grudges. I have helped with youth in churches before and we used to tell them, ESPECIALLY GIRLS, that if you had a problem with someone RESOLVE it with that person NOT gossip about it or complain about. I learned to take that advice myself, and if I have a problem I try to resolve it right away with someone.

  62. I didn’t read the previous post to hear what happened, but I wholeheartedly agree with your message on grace. You never know what kind of day somebody is having. Oh how I hate being judged based on a bad day. Thank you for sharing!

  63. Thank you so much for this follow-up to your EXCELLENT post about “the confrontation” about your clothing. I have been in that ladies shoes, KNOWING the Lord wanted me to speak to another young women about her revealing clothing. I hated to have to do that and put it off for as long as I possibly could. But when week after week she would brazenly display her body in church… I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer. I spent lots of time in prayer over my attitude, my words, and her response. I hope and pray I was gentle and full of grace. We women need to take seriously how we dress and cover our bodies! It isn’t our “right” to dress as we please. It is an honor to our husbands (or future husbands) to keep our body parts and pieces covered and not gawked at by other men. Please, let us respect our brother’s in Christ and keep covered!
    Blessings, ~Aunt Mae

  64. I would be really interested to know Courtney how you would approach and confront ‘yourself’ ( that girl you were). Have you ever confronted a younger woman about her dress? If you have I’m sure you would have done so in a very loving manner. I think so many Christian women see immodestly dressed women and girls in the church and we say and do nothing for fear of offending and we tell ourselves ‘well, I’m going to extend grace to her’ – the fact that she has been a Christian for years and may even be in a position of leadership creates even more of a dilemma for us. I was just reading yesterday about how they are handling the issue of immodestly and inappropriately dressed women at Royal Ascot – the famous British horse races which the Queen and Royal family attend. This year they introduced ‘rules’ – specific guidelines which included no strapless dresses, no spaghetti straps, no shorts or pants, specific guidelines for hemlines and hats to be worn in the Royal enclosure. Men must also wear suits. They did this because of falling standards of dress as it seemed people did not understand what ‘smart’ meant. For those who turn up inappropriately dressed they are handing out pashimas and fascinators! I actually thought this was a very kind and ‘graceful’ if expensive way of letting girls know that they needed to cover up and abide by the rules rather than asking them to leave. But imagine if we did this at the Christian school formals or weddings – had rules or guidelines and handed out shawls at the door – we would be accused of legalism or at least pettiness. Kind of sad when the racehorse industry has higher standards than the Christian church!
    One more thing – I wonder if that lady ever reads your blog? I’m hoping that if she did read that post that she didn’t read the comments section. Let’s not forget she is a real person and we are not talking about a hypothetical situation. So thank you so much for addressing the responses that came in in such a gracious way.

  65. This is such an honest and thoughtful post … I love how you said //I think the focus should not be on others who have hurt us but on ourselves – what are we doing personally to make our church families more warm and loving?// You hit the nail on the head. Thanks for this. And thanks for the linky too!

  66. This was the blog post I so needed to read today. We are currently dealing with a family situation that requires the utmost grace and tact and sensitivity. Thank you for showing the way.

  67. Thanks for the wonderful message. Love the “what part of the body are you?” II’ve been listening to a local pastor’s message on my way in to work and he said all that we get into heaven with is our character. Way to go, girl!! It reminds me that “Love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8

    Lately life has been a character building kind of day!

  68. Courtney, I loved your first post on this topic. I really really hear your heart for women loving each other, and not judging each other…but giving grace, pouring grace out. Being a mom and a wife in this day is harder than ever. Keeping a level head, standing strong when the world keeps beating you down. The last we need to be doing is beating each other down. Thank you for revisiting this post. I’m with ya sistah!
    Praise God! Sheila

  69. I will usually adress sister if they are not awrae of something i.e bra strap showing etc…

    However if someone is wearing a short skirt or bein intentinally immodest then that is a different issue.

    We have to leave room for the Holy Spirit and really pick the right time as no one likes to be wrong and the response will reveal their heart.

  70. This response is full of wisdom. Thank you for being a great example of handling a tricky situation with grace & a Christlike attitude!

  71. Courtney – Your previous post came to mind today when a peer from church confronted me via Facebook about an activity I particpated in that she felt was wrong. To be honest, I felt her argument was very nit-picky, and I wanted to tell her what I thought, but chose to be GRACIOUS, thank her for her concern, and leave it at that. It’s great the way the Holy Spirit brings things to mind when we need them!!

  72. Thank you so much for both your post. The issue of immodesty in the church is very frustrating to me. My husband is a pastor and I have two young men (ages 21 and 19). Many times they have commented to me about how some lady or young lady was dressed. My husband has always said, ” if there is one place christian men ought to be able to go and not be tempted by too much flesh, it should be church”. We did men and women split classes on Wednesday nights at our church a few months back, during these classes I addressed the issue of immodesty in the church with the women. My husband talked to the men about not lusting. We had an 87 year old married man tell all the men that immodestly dressed women still even catch his attention, it is something they (the men) will face all their life.

    Wow! that was a huge point for me in my next class. I told the women that they needed to help their christian brothers in Christ by covering up. I have always had this motto: Dress to be attractive, not to be desired! Our beauty should be our Godly spirit and countenance, not how much flesh we can show off!

  73. Amen, my sister! Amen! Dependent upon The Lord’s Grace and Praising His Name with you! ~Randi Marie

  74. {Melinda} The times when someone has confronted me on an issue have often been turning points in my life and character. I am grateful for them, even if they weren’t always delivered lovingly. God can use even those experiences to make us stop and think and reconsider our actions in a particular area. And unloving confrontations remind us of that way we should confront others if the need arises.

    Love your heart, Courtney.

  75. When I read the original post and its follow up I was so impressed with your humble and gracious response! And after reading this one, I had to say thank you for teaching and setting an example worthy of imitating. You are to be commended and I appreciate what your story and Christ-honoring attitude is teaching me!

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