Letting Your Husband Lead

If we want to have a godly marriage, as wives we need to stop trying to control everything and begin letting our husband lead in the home.  #marriagegoals #womenlivingwell #messybeautifullove

Welcome back to the

Messy Beautiful Love*Book Club!

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{To find the weekly schedule and FREE downloadable Study Guide – click here.}

Today we move into chapters 5 & 6!

 Chapter 5

Darlene writes on page 65 and 67:

The Lord cautions us: “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” (Ex.20:17 NIV)

We are warned against coveting for a reason. It’s sinful, and it’s consuming.  It’s the polar opposite of contentment and leads us to look outside our marriages for happiness.

You have expectations of…your husband…who you’ve come to realize isn’t all that you expected…The problem isn’t your husband; it’s that your level of expectation for him is outshining his character.

Darlene brings up two points in this chapter worth noting.

1.) Coveting.

Do you struggle with looking around at other people’s marriages and feel like theirs is better than yours?

My pastor shared about a couple in counseling. The wife said, “I wish we had a marriage like (insert the name of another couple in our church.)” My pastor said he secretly thought – oh no, you really don’t. This other couple had way more problems behind closed doors than she knew about.

The grass is not necessarily greener elsewhere.  We really don’t know what others are facing in private. Plus it’s a sin, do not covet another woman’s husband.

2.) Expectations.

False expectations can be formed while dating.  As we try to win each other’s hearts, both parties put their best foot forward and seek to please each other. The reality is, character qualities we did not see during the dating years will rear their ugly heads as new seasons of life bring new challenges.  Does that mean we married the wrong person? No!

How we handle our husbands’ shortcomings reveals more about our own character than our husbands’.  Bitterness, resentment, harsh words, and a critical spirit are not character traits our husband expected to see in their wives.  The truth is, usually both parties change a bit in the way they selflessly love.

Chapter 6

Darlene writes on page 75:

Yes, the Bible tells us that the husband is the head of the wife and that the wife should submit to his authority.  With that in mind we should remember that submission is a choice that we make.  It’s not something that is or should be imposed on us by another person.  It’s our response to God’s love. It is a choice we make out of obedience to God because ultimately everything we do should focus on Him and His will.  There’s a reason we do it, and that reason is to please God.

Often times there is contention in marriage because there’s an innate battle for headship. We want our opinions, our rights and our ways to be followed through in the home.

There’s only one answer to solve the problem…


In Ephesians 5, the husbands are commanded to love their wives – like Christ loves the church.

And in this same passage, wives are commanded to follow their husband as the head of the home, as the church –follows Christ.

Christ is vital!

Is your marriage struggling –battling for headship. You need Christ.

Will the world struggle to understand your marriage. Yes, because you are a CHRISTian – a follower of Christ. And when we follow Christ –our marriages will look different.

I like the analogy Karen Ehman uses of ballroom dancing.  She says:

For the dance to fall into place, the woman must follow the man’s lead.

It doesn’t mean she’s inferior or less than or subservient.  It isn’t about importance.  It’s about function and roles.  If the end result – a smooth and breathtaking dance – is desired, there are not two ways around it: the gal must follow her partner’s lead.”

Our husband is in a place of inescapable leadership.  That is a tremendous burden to carry.  Let’s lighten their load by stepping back and letting them lead.


Discussion Questions:

1.) Pay attention to the good qualities in your husband.  What makes him different? What sets him apart from all others that drew you to him?

2.) A Challenge: Text him or email him a message today telling him something you just love about him.  Then come back here and let us know that you completed this challenge.

3.) Is there an area in your marriage where you need to step back so your husband is able to step forward?

4.) In what ways can you help to nurture his role as a leader?

Join the discussion – you can answer just 1 or 2 of the questions or all 4!

Do you have a favorite section or something you underlined or highlighted from this week’s reading? Share it!

Walk with the King,


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  1. I have sent my husband a text message letting him know that I am thinking of him and how much I love him. We both often do that to one another throughout the day.

    I think that I could allow him, to take more of a leadership role in our marriage though. I love how we both pray together each night before going to sleep and it has brought us much closer as a married couple.

  2. Thank you for this study. Also the Proverbs 31 study I almost have it memorized.
    I sent my husband a text saying how much I appreciate and respect him for all he does for our family.
    I need to step back and let him lead more also take his advice and instruction. We build an Amway business together and I need to take his instruction so I am doing my part in bring in profit. We are a team and keeping that mindset is so important. Also both of my children have different fathers and so allowing my husband to lead them and respecting his rules when he is home and when he is not, so the children can see that he is the head of the house and should be respected.

  3. Great lessons in both chapter’s 5 & 6.
    In chapter 5 I was able to realize all of the expressions of love and nurturing my husband shows me. he is a long haul truck driver so is only home every 2 weeks for a short time. Even when on the road, he calls to be sure I am ok. I was sick last week and he made sure I had everything I needed and called my daughter to bring me provisions.
    Chapter 6 reminded me to step back and let my husband lead. This is hard to do when he comes home, as I have had control while he was on the road. I made concerted effort this last time he came home to listen, let him lead and me to follow. It really makes for a blissful house, with much more laughter, smiles and expressions of love.

    1. Being a part of Amway, or/ any other pyramid business will result in a negative effect on your marriage, once the “business pyramid” collapses. The best choice you can make for your marriage & for your future, is to cut ties with any get-rich-quick scheme, and focus on building an honest & reputable partnership in both the business world & your marriage – best of luck,

  4. What do you do if your husband just DOESN”T lead? I don’t want to bash my husband, he’s a great man, a caring husband and a loving father … but he does not lead us. He doesn’t make any decisions, he never knows what our plans or our schedule are, he doesn’t ever plan anything or give input when things need to be planned for the home or for vacations, etc.
    It causes a lot of tension between us, because I’m always the one saying “We have to go now”, “It’s Samuel’s bedtime now”, “Should I make the booking for that holiday we spoke about?”, “Have you paid the house bond?” … I always feel like I’m either nagging him to do something, or taking the lead and getting things done myself – but he would literally lie on our bed the whole weekend and not do anything if I didn’t make it happen.
    Any advice?
    And in case you wonder – yes, I’ve prayed, I’ve taken it to God, I’ve pleaded with God to change me, him, the situation – but frankly, in 19 years of marriage, it’s only gotten worse …

      1. Yeah, that was nothing but a faked “showmance” put on by Maks and Meryl in order for them to win the show. And it worked as America fell for it hook, line and sinker. Meryl and Maks are still friends now but everything that was shown on TV was producer manipulation. It happens every season and Meryl allowed it.

        I was rooting for a true Christian woman that season, Candace Cameron Bure, a friend of our dear Courtney and a woman who didn’t let the show override her convictions…nor did she let her partner Mark Ballas put her in costumes that were too risqué. She ended up finishing in 3rd place!! This season we have Sadie Robertson of Duck Dynasty Fame on the show!! GO SADIE!!

        1. It still beautifully illustrated a sweet and gentle woman responding to a gruff and angry man. It doesn’t matter if it was “producer manipulation” as you state. I love learning biblical principles from anyone and anything. After all, God even used a donkey to speak Truth!

          1. I just have a hard time learning them from people who aren’t even Christian. Meryl did calm Maks down…to a point. There was an episode where he was throwing things in her presence and she was honestly scared.

  5. I still don’t have my book. but i’m so happy you have this in your book. I wrote 3 blogs about it. And it looks like women have a hard time to act as the bible say. Thanks for this subject.

    love it.


  6. My husband is up and out of the house by 4:30 each morning. The first thing I do when I wake is grab my phone and send him a good morning text. I tell him I love him and I hope he has a good day. I often include silliness like “Happy Friday!” or “Happy first day of the month!” or something along those lines. Luckily we were off together this weekend and he had a vacation day yesterday so I hadn’t sent my morning text since Friday. It felt good to do so again this morning.

    Like Belinda said, I don’t know how to let him lead. I’m such a planner and organizer and darned OCD. I’d love to step back and let him lead but doctors appointments wouldn’t be made and the bills wouldn’t be paid. Besides, I don’t want him to have to do all that. He works 12-hour days and the last thing I want is for him to have to worry with all the little crap. So maybe I don’t understand submission? I have no problem doing so – I WANT to be submissive to him. I know I should be and I’m okay with that. I just don’t know how to get there. Am I misunderstanding the concept? I read and reread the section in the book but am still unsure of how to go forward. I have been praying for some time now for my husband to step up and lead our family and will continue to do so. Any suggestions would be appreciated!

    1. You don’t need to worry, if he even once asked you to do the bills or take care of the paperwork, if he thanked you for doing it – it means you’re being submissive to him. You are not taking the lead, but helping him. (It’s just that you are doing what you think is the husband’s show of leadership, maybe that’s how he leads, by letting you do it (that’s trust right there))

      1. I agree. I think too many women think that by letting your husband lead you are having him do everything. I am submissive to my husband as far as scheduling and making sure the bills are paid, he needs help in this area so I do these things. It doesn’t make me the leader but instead he is and I am working as his helper.

    2. The book called “Love & Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggrich was a huge help on this subject! It should me what my husband needed from me – Respect. Another book I really love is called “The Surrendered Wife” by Laura Doyle. This book helped me understand how my husband reads respect from me. I would GREATLY encourage you to read both…and try not to let your husband see you reading them as it would be better if he didn’t know what was feeding the change you are trying to make. 😉 Hope these books are a help to you!

  7. I’d love to see what others say about a man who won’t lead. I’m still figuring that out. I do know that nagging won’t work. Men learn best from Other men and consequences. I have learned that if he doesn’t pay a bill, then I don’t remind or pay it for him. He has to suffer the consequence of the late fee or the denial of his card at the register. I need to step out of the way from protecting him from the consequences of his choices. I pray for him every day and continue to respect and submit. It’s not easy but I encourage you to also go to Nina Roesner’s blog on how to respect and submit to a husband without enabling him either. She’s taught me a lot.

    This book Messy, Beautiful Love is awesome. Thank you for this study and for this blog. I’m learning so much!

  8. I texted my husband, telling him I was praying for him to stay warm and safe at work…it’s getting really cold here and I would NOT want to do what he does outdoors, so I never want to take it for granted all that he does for me and our children. I also told him I love him, I don’t think that can ever grow old.
    Something I try to do, is never disagree with my husband in front of our children. If there is something I want to say contradicting what he said I try to talk to him about it in private…I fail at this sometimes, but I try to practice this.

  9. Why wouldn’t both partners lead the household? A marriage is a joint union. I would never accept a submissive position. We both lead our home, our decisions are made together, and when we disagree we find a way to compromise! That’s what works for me 🙂

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